#out4self

[after6fashions]

I am in a committed relationship with...

I awoke this morning feeling a sense of dread and contemplating ways to fix myself. In my solitude of the day I began to think of why I was feeling like the world outside somehow had it in for me. All of things that I hold dear in my life in that moment, and I just felt like I needed to find out why these emotions were taking me underwater. I was drowning in my sorrow of being alone at almost 40, in two and half days I will cross the threshold into "age" and in truth, I am frightened by this. 

When I was in my twenties life seemed so rich and full, then I entered my thirties and life became a bit more exiting, but now as I take steps toward being 40 life feels like sands in an hour glass, because I was never alone. I didn't have moments of "me" time, I never had to worry about an expensive dinner at a swanky restaurant, or a passionate evening of sexual pleasure, because there was always a man there. When my ex-boyfriend decided he needed to move, I got stuck, I couldn't move, how was I going to take steps without being an "us"? Food lost it's flavor, restaurants lost their appeal, and self pleasure was not really pleasure at all for me. Then as I made my round back to my car as I jogged, the thought hit me, perhaps the reasons why I am feeling this was has less to do with turning 40 and being single and more to do with never experiencing a relationship with myself. How funny, I thought, even chuckled as I continued to jog, the nerve of me thinking that I was somehow down because I have never been in a relationship with myself. 

Sure, I have broken up with myself numerous times, I mean I ended my dieting dates, my empty promises of getting more sleep, I have even said "Nikki, I promise I work less and spend more vacation time with you", but really, do those break-ups even count? I came to the realization of yes, they do count, why are those non-committal issues less important? I asked myself, and it is because I have never experienced "single life". I have been endlessly floating towards the shore without ever really knowing how to swim towards it, because as I float the currents carry me away from who I truly am on the shore. I rushed home, eager to please "her", I asked "her" what she wanted for breakfast, and I made a date with "her" this afternoon to visit one of the beautiful wineries where I live, and I even promised "her" that I would say something encouraging every day for the rest of "her" life to lift "her" spirits.

"Her" is this beautiful woman inside of me, who smiles at her reflection, laughs at the pains in her life, is a dedicated mum to the fullness of her son's life, and is a devoted friend to all. I think I am falling in love with "her", and for the first time in my life I am looking forward to a committed relationship with ME.

[after6fashions]

I am in a committed relationship with...

I awoke this morning feeling a sense of dread and contemplating ways to fix myself. In my solitude of the day I began to think of why I was feeling like the world outside somehow had it in for me. All of things that I hold dear in my life in that moment, and I just felt like I needed to find out why these emotions were taking me underwater. I was drowning in my sorrow of being alone at almost 40, in two and half days I will cross the threshold into "age" and in truth, I am frightened by this. 

When I was in my twenties life seemed so rich and full, then I entered my thirties and life became a bit more exiting, but now as I take steps toward being 40 life feels like sands in an hour glass, because I was never alone. I didn't have moments of "me" time, I never had to worry about an expensive dinner at a swanky restaurant, or a passionate evening of sexual pleasure, because there was always a man there. When my ex-boyfriend decided he needed to move, I got stuck, I couldn't move, how was I going to take steps without being an "us"? Food lost it's flavor, restaurants lost their appeal, and self pleasure was not really pleasure at all for me. Then as I made my round back to my car as I jogged, the thought hit me, perhaps the reasons why I am feeling this was has less to do with turning 40 and being single and more to do with never experiencing a relationship with myself. How funny, I thought, even chuckled as I continued to jog, the nerve of me thinking that I was somehow down because I have never been in a relationship with myself. 

Sure, I have broken up with myself numerous times, I mean I ended my dieting dates, my empty promises of getting more sleep, I have even said "Nikki, I promise I work less and spend more vacation time with you", but really, do those break-ups even count? I came to the realization of yes, they do count, why are those non-committal issues less important? I asked myself, and it is because I have never experienced "single life". I have been endlessly floating towards the shore without ever really knowing how to swim towards it, because as I float the currents carry me away from who I truly am on the shore. I rushed home, eager to please "her", I asked "her" what she wanted for breakfast, and I made a date with "her" this afternoon to visit one of the beautiful wineries where I live, and I even promised "her" that I would say something encouraging every day for the rest of "her" life to lift "her" spirits.

"Her" is this beautiful woman inside of me, who smiles at her reflection, laughs at the pains in her life, is a dedicated mum to the fullness of her son's life, and is a devoted friend to all. I think I am falling in love with "her", and for the first time in my life I am looking forward to a committed relationship with ME.