When to say no
Your career path never looked better! You are handed great projects, are motivated, working hard and enjoying every minute of it. Seniors leaders have noticed you are results driven, and tasked you with new responsibilities. There's resentment among your peers, they are cooperating less, and you continue to smile and know who your allies are. The recognition and responsibilities keep pouring in. Your personal relationships need attention and time, and next week you will definitely sign up for that yoga class. This weekend you will not work more than 3hrs, you tell yourself. It's Friday night, and you are alone in the office again at 8pm. Your colleagues have gone home, to a party, or to the activity they had planned. You skip yoga again, while your body aches for a good workout. Is it time to say no? Is it safe to tell your boss or head of the division to reassign the fantastic project to someone else? There are several things to consider: one, is the situation temporary, two, can you ask for additional support, three, how can you manage it differently in the future and fourth, what do you want out of it. If your pattern is to accept all tasks, consider why is it that you are unable to say no. Many years ago along with my full-time demanding job, I was volunteering in leadership capacity for a nonprofit. We hosted events each quarter, and somehow I found myself sweet talked into taking on more than my peers. I ended up with 3-4hrs of sleep for weeks at a stretch, if I were lucky. Couple of events laid out the pattern. There were usual suspects who made the assumption that with no kids or spouse, I had no commitments, therefore it was ok to assign a bigger piece to me. This is when I learned to say no, push back, and negotiate. My second problem was that I was a perfectionist, and had to see everything on my plate was executed well. During a leadership course, I presented my leadership role with the nonprofit as a failure to manage a sustainable model. I presented to a classroom of 120 students. My learning can be summed to: I was unwilling to fail and unwilling to say no, or do a less than perfect job. My third a-ha was taking on too much. I was functioning as an extension of one board member without realizing so. There's a saying in Urdu that translates to: using someone's else's shoulder to fire the gun. Implying using someone for own purposes. It never occurred to me, that I was being used by a friend to advance their own agenda, even with the best of their intentions. I was carrying someone else's water. That realization cleared up a great deal. While I honed my leadership skills in a way I never could at work, there were clearly unhealthy patterns that I needed to change. My lessons learned: 1- You are in control of your time, demands and well being. While it's normal to have busy or stressful periods at times, you are also in control of the decisions and the choices you make. You are the best judge of your threshold and capacity. 2- I learned to say no, without being guilted or sweet talked into commitments. Yes, people were initially not happy with my clarity, they had no choice but to accept it. At work, I had similar challenges, my former boss used to hand me a new client, and when I asked what my goal was, he said: what you always do, get things done. My results oriented reputation was in fact hurting me. I learned to ask what I could give up instead, when additional pressures and deadlines were being stacked on to my plate. The conversations became much easier there on. 3- Stop when you are over committed. Assess and reassess the situation, your options, negotiable tasks, and re-prioritize. Negotiate with your boss or partner. When discussing options, focus on yourself, how it's affecting you and why you need to change. This doesn't put the other person on the defensive and open to hearing you. At the end my realization was to put my emotional wellbeing first, and choose commitments accordingly. I am cognizant of having a support circle of friends and colleagues around me. I actively seek out mentors and tap them when I get stuck. My trusted circle has the license to critique me, there is no substitute for a trusted friend or mentor to help you see past your blind spots and the stories we tell ourselves.