When talking about consent, it’s common to hear the mantra “No means no.” But how many of us really believe that no ONLY means no?
For a lot of people, no can feel like it means a whole lot of other more negative things: “I don’t like you,” “You are bad/unattractive,” “You are creepy.”
For whatever reason, we attach these meanings to a very simple idea: that the person just doesn’t want something at that moment. When we ask someone if they want to do something sexual (kissing, stripping, oral sex, intercourse, whatever) we sometimes believe their answer has great implications on us as people; that it says something about our value or worth. This isn’t only false, but it is also essentially unfair to add our own, secret meanings to other people’s simple statements of preference. Unless the person you are trying to romance is the Riddler (in which case I can’t help you), it is unlikely they are trying to leave a trail of verbal clues you must decode to find their real meaning. Let the person talking decide their own words and meaning don’t do it for them.
Interesting that we've seen Mohan, Javadi, McKay outright say no/I'm off the clock. Santos and Whitaker have also made peeps of protest. I'm wondering if either Frank or Mel will similarly Assert Themselves (tho Mel, as per s1, seems to have duracel bunny ancestry and can run okay for a while).
learning to say “no” and having boundaries can really lift you up. it brings you this strength that you felt like would have been impossible to have. the mentality and emotional power it gives you can make you feel unstoppable! however, i know there’s a lot of us out there that may struggle with putting your foot down and saying no. and that’s okay! this chapter is here to teach you that saying “no” and putting your own needs first is something that you are allowed to do! people pleasing is a big thing that stops a lot of us from setting boundaries, and unfortunately, it’s caused us to be put in situations or relationships that aren’t good for us. say “no”! set those boundaries! you have a right to do so.
ᥫ᭡. the importance of putting yourself first
let’s start this chapter off with a discussion on why you need to put you and your own needs first.
you can’t give your best to others when you, yourself, aren’t at your best.
this is one of the biggest lessons i had to learn for myself. i’m not one to always call out from work or miss a lecture, but there are days where my mental health is really struggling and i can’t bring myself to even get out of bed. so, i prioritize myself and take a day to rest, relax, and recharge so that i can continue to give my all the next day! people always talk about prioritizing your health, but they don’t always include mental health, so be sure that when you prioritize your health that you’re also taking your mental/emotional state in mind!
you also can’t expect yourself to give others your best when you aren’t providing yourself the best. if a friend needs you, but you are in a spot where you need yourself more yet you continue to give to another person, then you’ll have nothing left for yourself. one of the first things you hear on an airplane is to put your oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else with theirs. so use that same mindset of helping and taking care of yourself first before you go and help another.
people pleasing gets you nowhere
to piggyback off of the previous statement, if you’re constantly someone’s “yes” man/woman/person, you’re constantly putting yourself in a position that makes you their personal doormat. people will lose respect for you and your boundaries if you’re always trying to please them; they see it all as an opportunity to use and take advantage of you, your time, and your energy.
you can still be a good person while still having boundaries! just because you’re setting a personal boundary for yourself and for others that doesn’t automatically mean you’re selfish or anything along the lines of being a bad person.
ᥫ᭡. how to set boundaries
setting boundaries is key! it’s important that these boundaries are put into place so that your own energy isn’t taken from you, especially when you need your energy the most.
know what your personal limits are
understanding what you will and will not accept will help be the first step into knowing what boundaries you want to set! take time to reflect and ask yourself, “what do i want with my time, my emotions, and my relationships?” know how you want your energy to be spent.
be clear about your boundaries
having a good idea of what you need and want for yourself will help you communicate your boundaries. once you know your own personal limits, create a clear boundary that you want to set for yourself and for others.
use “I” statements
setting a healthy boundary is important, so be sure to use statements with “i feel…” rather than “you…” because those “you” statements can come off as accusatory, and whoever it may be that you’re setting a boundary with may not take kindly to it.
consistency
make sure you’re consistent with your boundaries. reapply or restate them until those boundaries stick. practice, practice, practice! consistency will help to continue to reinforce the boundaries you’ve set!
set consequences
people will cross your boundaries, and it’s going to happen and it will be extremely frustrating. a lot of times, unfortunately, people will continue to cross your boundaries over and over again, so set consequences.
i’m not saying you have to be outright rude or lash out on them; fighting negativity with negativity is an unnecessary stressor to put on yourself. create a plan for yourself that will help you communicate some kind of response for whenever your boundaries are being crossed.
ᥫ᭡. practice saying “no”
saying “no” is one of the key things when setting boundaries. you don’t want to go out with people? say no. your boss is asking you to pick up more hours, but you’re already starting to feel drained? say no. a friend is asking you if they can vent to you, but you’re not in the right headspace to deal with strong emotions? say no.
you can always politely say no, of course, especially in a healthy friendship/relationship or a professional setting.
here’s how:
“i’m not feeling up for it right now, maybe when i’m feeling better another day we can!”
“i can’t take those hours on, i have prior responsibilities i need to attend to.”
“i’m not in the right headspace to take that on right now, but i still love and care for you!”
i know there’s a lot of us who might worry about coming off as rude, but there are so many ways other than the ones i mentioned to say no!
again, you can still be a good person and have boundaries. if anything, having boundaries puts you in healthier mindset and can bring you healthier relationships with people! boundaries are there to strengthen yourself!
you have to be firm and to assert yourself. you know you don’t want your time and your energy to be spent on someone or something that drains you more than replenishes you.
ᥫ᭡. final notes
i just want to keep reiterating that you are allowed to say no and set boundaries. too many of us have lived lives where we felt like our purpose was to please others and give and give until we have nothing left for ourselves. put yourself first! i say this all the time: you are always you’re number one priority. it’s the truth, and i’ll keep saying the truth until it sticks for you because you need to know that for yourself. you are allowed to prioritize yourself, your wants, and your needs. being selfish, for the right reasons, is okay! wanting to take care of yourself and focus on your needs is the right reason to be selfish. you’re allowed to want your own time, you’re allowed to be there for yourself before anyone else, you’re allowed to put your own well-being before others— you should be doing so! becoming a better you means learning to put yourself first!
This scene burst into my head this morning so I think maybe this challenge is doing its job cracking this writer’s block 🤞 and we’re jumping back in at the deep end with a Mom!T’Pol POV
Saying no
It would be euphemistic to describe the circumstances of Elizabeth’s entrance into their lives as unusual. Appalling would be more accurate. Because of this, T’Pol and Trip considered it of utmost importance that their home be a place of safety and acceptance. They could not alter her origin, but they could ensure she had no cause to doubt that she was wanted and loved as she grew up.
T’Pol sometimes found balancing the emotional needs of her mate and child with her own need to maintain equilibrium challenging, but Trip and Elizabeth were very dear to her and worth any difficulty.
Supporting Elizabeth’s developing sense of autonomy presented its own challenges. Several weeks after Elizabeth’s second birthday, utterances of “All done!” and “Play Lana?” and “Lizbet do it!” frequently resounded, as did exclamations of the word most favoured by toddlers throughout the known universe: no.
For unknown reasons, Trip seemed to find it amusing that Elizabeth’s first friend in the Starfleet Childcare Program was Lana, an exuberant little Andorian girl. T’Pol of course found it unremarkable that a child belonging to her Trip would gravitate to the person in any room who seemed most in need of a friend.
Elizabeth’s eyes were anatomically typically Vulcan. However, as T’Pol watched her daughter explore art materials, she considered the possibility that those eyes perceived color more closely to the way humans did. Or, she reflected, perhaps Elizabeth had simply inherited her father’s aesthetic taste.
As Trip joined T’Pol and Elizabeth at the table, a vibrant smile lit his face. He was back early, maximising their time together before T’Pol had to leave for an afternoon meeting. His joy in their presence seemed to fill the room with warmth.
Until he picked up a blue crayon to join Elizabeth in her artistic endeavours.
“No!” Elizabeth said emphatically, shaking her head. A wispy strand of light brown hair pulled free of the barrette restraining it and curled against her cheek. She reached over and thrust a green crayon at her father insistently.
“All right. If it’s that important to you, Daddy’ll start with the green crayon,” Trip said amiably, shooting T’Pol an amused glance.
After a few minutes of drawing, he asked, “Lizbeth honey, do you think there’s any chance you’ll say something other than ‘no’ to Daddy today?”
Elizabeth regarded him seriously for a moment with her wide blue eyes, and then at last she tilted her head and said, “Nirsh, Daddy.”
Trip laughed, “ All right, that’s fair.” He shifted his gaze and raised his eyebrows, “T’Pol, your daughter is a bilingual smartass.”
“In spite of my best efforts, she does strongly favour her father,” T’Pol agreed.
“Ass?” repeated Elizabeth.
A look of panic crossed Trip’s face and he scrambled to recover, “Uh, ass-tro-physicist! Maybe you’ll study stars and planets someday. Like Mama. You like looking at the stars.” He carefully avoided eye contact with T’Pol.
Elizabeth frowned. “Stars,” she considered, “…no.”
Trip burst out laughing.
T’Pol inhaled deeply through her nose and allowed her own amusement to pass over her. They were both very dear to her, but they were also very taxing on her composure.
3 ways to keep your energy strong as you move forward:
1. support your peace by not becoming extremely busy. give your time to what matters most and repeatedly let go of the rest.
2. feel good about saying no often so you can focus on what you truly want to pursue. if it does not click with your intuition, it is not for you.
3. don't let the emotional turbulence in others stop you from keeping your mood the way you want it to be.
