Migrating to Tumblr feels oddly similar to my egg cracking. All those years on Reddit, lurking silently, staying observant while keeping my head down and trying to avoid being noticed, terrified that if I’m seen or heard, I’ll get my ass handed to me. But I didn’t know anything else, so #thisisfine. I see the kids laughing gayly over there with their brightly colored furbys and Goncharov t-shirts and feel a confusing longing, but they’d never let me hang with them. I don’t belong in that world. I wouldn’t know how to tell them that I think they’re cool.
Then the boycott happens and I’m all sad and bored and find the Tumblr app buried in the back of my phone. I got it a while ago, didn’t really know why. Took it out and looked at it now and then, but was never bold enough to give it a shot. But whatever, nothing left to lose, right?
So I open it up and look for a bit. It’s pretty. It’s so pretty. I get that sense of longing again. I hesitantly run my finger over the reblog button and…I like it. I don’t know why, but it’s comforting. It wasn’t as weird as I thought it might be. Or if it is, it’s weird in a good way. I keep digging around, learning, exploring, and see that there are actually a lot of people who feel this way. They’re finding themselves, really seeing each other for the first time, being welcomed and gently guided into this strange new life by this community. People are really supportive here. I’m not used to this feeling.
The more I explore, the more comfortable I’m becoming. I think I might be able to be myself here. It feels like maybe, just maybe, I’ve found my people. Maybe I’m not anti-social media. I’d just never had a safe environment. So let’s try this. I’m scared, but I’ve got to do it. Make my own post and come out socially. I…I’m not a Redditor. I thought I was. I tried to be, but it only ever made me sad. I don’t know what’s going to happen next, but I don’t think I can ever go back to that life.
Finally admitting it, breaking out of that abusive, toxic environment…I’m feeling something I’d forgotten how to feel. Hope.