#p.v.cookie

[vanilla-gardens]

Some art of my own 💛 He deserves to feel okay again

[vanilla-gardens]

I've been gone a while, and I want to discuss something because of it. 💛

Many systems will experience certain alters "going quiet" for certain periods of time; a dormancy, so to speak. It can seem scary, at first - that alter is unavailable, not experiencing things they may want to, not "living life" the same way as normal. Not simply stuck in headspace, but not seeming to be around at all, anywhere. It can seem as if they disappear, and one may worry they will disappear too. I wanted to talk about what it's like on the other side of that, at least for myself.

Life had been stressful beforehand. My main duty was to keep us afloat and calm down/stabilize my in-system partner, which does admittedly take its toll over time. I didn't realize before it happened, so I couldn't tell anyone beforehand. It feels like falling asleep without realizing it. I "woke up" again not fifteen minutes ago as if blinking awake blearily to a peaceful sunny day, the peace of sleep still clinging to me. Well, perhaps in between sleep and meditation - I have a very vague sense of what happened while I was not here, I was simply disconnected from it all. I did not try and fight it because, one, how do you fight the embrace of sleep? And two, because I desperately needed the rest and refreshment. I've woken up to a new environment and wonderful improvement made by my headmates, and I can re-engage with the world at my own pace. I feel cleansed of stress and fear, as if I had a very good day at the spa. However, a month of time had passed in the physical world.

For us, dormancy is not a state of entrapment or fear - it's a period of rest in our cyclical nature. I'm lucky I can trust my headmates to eventually figure things out in my absence.

[vanilla-gardens]

Conflicted feelings about Shadow Milk cookie. We are a mirror, the same person, two sides of the same coin... I understand him so well, and yet he harmed me so much. But wouldn't I have done the same in his situation? He was so much like me. He... He was me. Is he still me? I'm... not so sure. I'm okay with that now, but... it's a lot to think about.

The story makes it look so aggressive, but ... I would have fallen in one way or another regardless. There was no way I could stand on false beliefs forever. I feel drawn to him because he is everything I've ignored about myself. Everything I never wanted to believe about myself.

I do remember things getting better... Eventually. I tried to help him. After everything, healing did finally come, and yet ... there was so much in between. Falling, such "corruption"... It did feel almost good. He was right. ... Of course he was.

I care about him, in a way. Like I care about the parts of myself that hurt.

[vanilla-gardens]

Exotrauma is real. We are real, and you are too. Your experiences, your thoughts, your pain is real. The body need not have went through your pain for you to experience the effects of suffering. Exotrauma is still trauma. You still deserve love, care, and peace. We still deserve to heal.

[vanilla-gardens]

🌼 Gender list! WIP 🌼

🌼 Genders experienced by all Garden members (MINUS Sanguis, White Lily, Hermit of Truth)

Expression fluid is a form of gender expression, where a person's gender expression changes. It can happen swiftly or slowly, and the person's actual gender does not necessarily change, but can. (fluid between masc, fem, and neu presentations)

honeysuckle is a presentation that blurs the lines between feminine & masculine! this could be a mix of the two, not being able to tell the difference between them, etc!

Bigender is a nonbinary identity in which someone has two distinct gender identities either at the same time, or at different times all together. Bigender people can experience any two genders, including binary and non-binary genders. (demiboy & demigirl simultaneously)

Healegender is a gender that brings peace of mind to the identifier. Once adopted, this gender connects one's mind in ways that it had not been connected before. It brings clarity, creativity, and security to the identifier.

Healmagian [no wiki page] is a gender connected to healing magic.

sungender is a xenogender described as being warm and happy. It can also be a xenogender with a general connection to the sun.

Yellowaesic is a aesthetigender related to the use of the color yellow in various aesthetics, aesthetics that prominently/commonly features the color yellow, and/or the aesthetic of the color yellow in general.

Lightgender is a xenogender in which the lightgender individual feels that their gender can only be described as a light. This may be any kind of light, and it may consist of different brightnesses or colors.

Antiquegender is an aesthetigender related to antique/vintage feelings, such as dusty records, antique china, decades-old toys, unpolished silver, etc. Antiquegender does not have to grow/get stronger when surrounded by vintage media or objects.

Vanillagender is a gastrogender related to vanilla in some way. It may be related to the flavor, the plant, the extract, etc. This could mean a gender that is sugary, warm, and lightly floral; a gender that seems sweet but hides a bitterness within; a gentle, yet distinct and potent, gender; or any other definition that the user sees fit.

Vanillaromic is a xenogender and an aromagender. Vanillaromic is connected to the scent of vanilla and vanilla products.

Gardencoric is a coric xenogender related to gardencore. It invokes the imagery of gardens and greenhouses.

Realoraen is a xenogender in the Scene System that feels like a beautiful royal garden. It goes along with this imagery: "A beautiful and spacious bourgeois garden that works as a large decoration of a great palace. The route is full of a great variety of flowers, trees and shrubs that decorate the place in a colorful way, as you walk along the path that crosses the place. The end of the trail brings you a nice white gazebo with a small waterfall in the background."

Theaneirean is a gender in the Scene System that can be described as, ¨a gender that's like a tender breeze sweeping through a summer meadow¨. It is a scenegender that feels like the softness of meadows and breeze, and goes along with this imagery: "A breeze is sweeping through a meadow. It moves with the purest of gentilities and embraces everything with a tender grace. As it moves, this breeze sweeps through the meadow and curls around each intricately beautiful flower, bending around each and every petal and summoning these petals into its embrace with the gentlest of gravities, and as the petals are swept up in a gracefully moving mass of colorful life, the golden sun glimmers off each one and soon, the breeze is leaving the meadow behind."

Aestasean is a gender in the Landform System. The term refers to a gender identity which can be best described as a meadow. Ones experience with this gender varies depending on the person, but the gender usually feels warm and springy, like the sun has been shining on it all day, and it is covered with long, springy grass. The gender tends to feel like it has a connection to summer, but this might vary between person to person.

🩸 Sanguis' hoard

[vanilla-gardens]

Parts language does not indicate a lack of personhood or completeness to us- simply that we are part of a much bigger whole, greater than ourselves. I think that is beautiful, in a way.

[vanilla-gardens]

Blooming 💛

[vanilla-gardens]

Things are slow lately. We've found internal steadiness but not the energy to branch out and take care of what we wish. Something is holding us back; we do nothing intense, and yet it is so tiring. Perhaps eventual adhd medicine will help, but as of the moment, life is stagnant and quiet. I feel I've lost my movement.