#pagan diary

[musemarrie]

Day One of Runic Journey:

Fehu ᚠ

This Rune was a little confusing to me at first. But now, I sort of see it as a “What you give is what you get” kind of energy. It is defined as symbol of wealth, prosperity, new beginnings, and perhaps creativity ventures. That is what confused me at first, questioning if it represents wealth in terms of money, which it can, but it less about the outcome of the money and more so about the start of the journey that will eventually bring wealth. Perhaps it can be seen as the promise of a reward if the hard work is put in. I read also, “Money makes more Money” which perhaps represents that one already possess the knowledge or ability to create this abundance.

So, today I had drawn the Fehu Rune on my left wrist and activated it with the intention to “Bring me clarity to understand my creative purpose, perhaps in a way that will allow me to make money.” Now, I did not lead the day in a very Fehu way, as in, I didn’t put in much work. For most of the day, I felt a sort of dread and sadness over myself and my lack of change for the better. But, I suppose Fehu is most about planting the seed for a harvest later, it’s a slow-burning candle. I spoke with my ‘Knight of Wands’ ancestor more closely today; he gave me insight on our relationship and what I need to work on which I suppose is good, to have a healing seed be planted, but it wasn’t necessarily involved with my intention.

Some time past in the day before I finally decided to try and do a creative venture. I have been thinking about creating vlog style videos and I have filmed some footage that I haven’t started to edit. I started to edit the beach vlog and a certain happiness and nostalgia was brought back. I used to make calm videos like this even though no one ever saw them besides friends (they are rather boring). But I will only learn from doing, so I will put out anything without worry of it being boring or even embaressing.

I am someone who likes many things and seems to never be able to choose one path. To focus on just one creative venture seems difficult— but it is also what Odin and my ‘Knight of Wands’ ancestor have encouraged me to do. Odin has told me that creating these lifestyle videos will bring me peace and happiness, if done for my enjoyment. I will try to do this venture for now, and perhaps it could eventually encouraging me to start others — like drawing or playing music again.

Overall, I have learnt a little about the Fehu Rune and perhaps planted the seed for my creative venture. In my view, I did not have a good, “productive” day. But it is one small thing— perhaps it is fitting for Fehu.

[ancat-dubh-old]

realised I’ve had this blog for a proper while now and also want to spend more of my online time being unhinged and thoughtful about magic in a space that for all its gory faults isn’t deathspiral/totally identifiable social media so! little reintro for my like, 30 followers lol:

I’m J, 30, faggy commie historian, Taurus ☀️ Leo 🌙 Cap ⬆️. I started this blog whilst feeling my early pandemic return to witchcraft era and it turned into more of a magic diary party of one. might be a bit more pagan leaning these days tbh or maybe those things are both for me now; either way, feel like writing and building up more of a community here.

I’m slowly developing my own animist pagan practice, a lot of which currently revolves around a particular green space in my city. there’s some faerie shit, some place-based spirit work, some ley lines, some acab-ery, some folk magic+community care politique, some barrows, some prehistoric vibes. a little je ne sais quoi

my magical work is kinda blending with the spiritual and also developing real quick right now. form-wise, I mostly work with genius loci, divination (tarot, ornithomancy, bibliomancy, my own systems), weather, body/movement work, folklore/historical[ly informed] folk magic, astrology, the moon, plants, animals, fire, writing, queer ancestors, foraging, the ocean, and a Celtic- and Algonquian-leaning seasonal calendar. I’m lucky enough to have not exactly a coven but a small close group of regular magical co-practitioners and to live in a city with a big, sprawling, historic esoteric community that I’m exploring more eye arr el as things open up.

I work with deities, saints, and land spirits, maybe right now as focal points/beginning relationships rather than straight up devotion – something something working out of but also in dialogue with diaspora Roman Catholicism. this bit of my practice feels like it goes hand in hand with putting my anticolonial money where my mouth is (family of colonised experience TM, grew up white settler on occupied land, now live in a seat of empire). I work slightly more regularly I guess? with Mars, + occasional Wild Hunt run-ins, some recent exploration with Brigid, and a big ol reverence for Father Thames. also generally v interested in histories/theories of magic, animism, and polytheism, esp atm Shintō, Inuit mythology, and London occult stuff.

lbr this blog is mostly still aesthetic pics of my altar and nice nature spots where I do magic/reference points for myself, also tend to keep this q magic-focused and introspective (personal craft is all under #my stuff) – but might also use this more to talk about (to myself and hopefully with more people) the *how* of developing a practice. this is something I feel like I lacked starting out, also I’m a Leo homosexual so any excuse for a pagan Carrie Bradshaw moment. plus I wanna build up more of an online community and make an effort to chat more – 18+ folk on the wavelength, you’re always v welcome to say hi.

[ancat-dubh-old]

I’m noticing the crows more recently. I think I’m looking up more to gauge how the slow green spread of spring takes the branches overhead; I’ve been feeding them, too, as it gets light enough to bring my dinner out for walks again. I’ve obviously been googling tips for getting crows to recognise you faster and about how their vocalisations work (spoiler: they vary massively and we don’t have a good sense for what even basic caw combos mean, only some clues about how they structure ideas), but I’m also enjoying watching them watch me, testing how close they’ll come, giving them soft little cues before I toss a handful of peanuts or cat food. the magpies are bolder but the crows seem cleverer – they feel like they’re collectively working me out.

I found a dead one in a bush yesterday – I noticed her because I thought the skull was an egg gleaming out of the brambles and wanted a closer look, only to find that what I’d thought was a nest was actually a tangle of leftover pinfeathers and sinewy bits and ribs. I’ve never gotten a go at the aesthetic natural burial vibe so I gathered some flowers for her and decided I’d check in a few weeks to see if the skull’s usable, which made me think about where animals sit in the green space where I’m developing my practice. we’ve all had a bit of a ~this bird is a sign moment and/or deity association, which I enjoy (I’ve pulled Death a bunch this week so it didn’t feel like, not on theme), but it made me consider how I was thinking about the crows I’m making friends with – certainly they’re part of the magical fabric of the space, but they feel like a collective to me of creatures with their own magical pull and influence, of a distinctive current rather than a messenger/representative/symbol of some deeper power. taking a moment with the dead crow felt more like them letting me into a more intimate part of their space than an individual encounter.

there are a few creatures on the heath that do have their own unique magical presence – there’s a fox who always collects offerings right after we leave them by the same tree at night, and sometimes comes very close to peer pointedly at us – but that feels a bit different, more supernatural TM, to whatever neighbourly thing I’ve got going on with the crows. lot of parsing how I think about spirit vs magic vs divinity right now, and where those things choose to overlap.

[ancat-dubh-old]

honestly can’t tell if my current Spirituality Moment TM is a hyperfocus or me working through something big but this time of year, man!

I feel intellectually like I wanna do more practical work rn, like exploring urban witchcraft practice with the dark closing in the edges of the city and more research into deity work and animism, but also I’m just really vibing with some hours-long, meditative, church-feeling rambles through the space where I do magic. I feel restless, like I should just pick someone to address and go with it; but my gut’s also saying take your time and wait. I’ve got vague ideas emerging about how I approach nature in an animistic way and how that might narrow down a practice, alongside being curious about the possibility of deities or fae or local spirits as distinct entities – but genuinely feel like, idk, my brain needs some time to chew through all this even though I’m impatient for what happens next, if that makes sense.

lit the candle to Mars, anyway – it’s not like it’s like signing a contract! – and making the most of the last of the asters, mugwort, and fireweed.