#pagan vent

[sunnypaganblog]

I had an intrusive thought that I kept apologizing to Lord Apollo for over and over and ended up crying to him about because I genuinely didn't know where it came from. I feel fine now and more calm—I feel sick anyway so maybe that's why I feel kinda weird today. I dunno. I prayed to him to help me with my sickness once I calmed down enough to speak properly.

Lord Apollo wasn't even mad it seemed. He just stayed with me and comforted me til I felt better. But I feel weird for the thought I had in the first place even though I shouldn't since I know they're just intrusive thoughts. I feel guilty anyway though.

I think I'm just gonna rest for a while and wait til he gets back. I said I'd talk with him later today anyway.

[sunnypaganblog]

It seems my guilt-ridden, OCD brain has finally accepted that my deities will never hate me, even if I think they should.

[sunnypaganblog]

A certain line in Inside Out ("Dad doesn't love us anymore—that's sad.") is kinda describing how I feel a little about Lord Hermes at the moment. I know he actually still loves me and cares for me. I think my BPD is freaking out and just wondering if he secretly is dissapointed in me or will leave me due to something that was making me sad yesterday.

Maybe I'll tell em about it tomorrow if I have the time. I dunno. I don't wanna make em feel pressured.

[sunnypaganblog]

Vent //

Why do my deities still love me and care about me??? I don't understand. I've fucked up so many times as a human being. But they still care for me. Why? Why—? I just don't get it. I think I'm having a really bad OCD episode right now but still—

[sunnypaganblog]

I think maybe a reason for some of my anxiety lately and some of my repetitive thoughts is because I genuinely don't understand how my deities can love me or care about me after everything I've done. I know they're here, but it's like my mind is so convinced that no one would ever love me after what I did that I can't help but feel excessive doubt. Fuck OCD, man. I know they're here and that they care, but my OCD doesnt wanna believe that my deities care about me so hard that it makes stuff like regular tarot readings, prayers to my deities and acts of worship a living hell mentally—cuz it'll just start randomly repeating distressing thoughts whenever I try to talk to em or do something for em./neg

[sunny6677]

Also sorry if I maybe sound a bit off—I kinda had a mild overreaction and got a bit stressed since I was being told to do so many things at once even though I just wanted to sit down and draw after a long day of school. And now I've gone into classic 'how could Lord Hermes and all my other deities' not hate me mode and I'm thinking about all my past mistakes.

I'll be fine though jdndbd I'm not sure what's happening but I think it just may be a mild episode that'll pass./gen

[truly-fantastic-me]

christians: i believe in angels, demons, and one god that created everything in existence in 7 days.

society: cool! you do you! :)

me, a pagan cryptid: i believe in magick, aliens, dragons, spirits, the multiverse theory and past lives.

society: wOw uM. do you actually have an critical thinking skills??? do you beLIEVE everything you read??? are you aWARE of how crazy/stupid/delusional this sounds??? how DARE you have these beliefs, you conspiracy theorist!11!1 you special snowflake!11!1