#paged(ee)

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The thing I like so much about the near-plane crash as well as the live video in The Long Game is that both are things completely out of Shane’s control and both in public. Shane spends the entire novel trying to control every little thing. His diet. Who knows about him, and about him and Ilya, and how they find out. Ilya thinks if he can just “fix himself” and keep his depression and feelings to himself, then everything will work out.

And then Ilya’s plane nearly drops out of the sky, and Shane’s on the ground and can’t do anything about it; doesn’t even get to know the status as it happens. Meanwhile, Ilya can’t hide from it, isn’t isolated to his home where he can pretend it’s not happening. It’ll be a news story in hours. He’ll be asked by coaches, by journalists, by fans what it was like and how he felt, and if he says he’s fine, no one will believe him.

Same with Hayden’s livestream. Shane spends the novel (both novels) crafting very specific plans for his life and when and how things will happen, and he thinks if he can control all those aspects, he can control the narrative, forgetting to realize that his life isn’t isolated to himself (which parallels his arc in realizing he can’t just make decisions about his relationship alone, without including what Ilya wants too). For ilya, it’s like a metaphor: hiding his depression only works so far, until it involves hiding himself from others, and that won’t and doesn’t solve anything. He spent his whole life not talking about his mom’s depression and yet thinks he’ll achieve what she couldn’t by doing the same (though for different reasons).

Would it had better for them had they come to these conclusions through reflection? Yeah, if they were real people. And while events still could’ve happened privately, I think it was important that both events mentioned happened publicly, because it’s the thing that’s weighed on their relationship the most, even when they decided, in HR, how to move forward together. TLG spends so much time showing that when they stick to the same grooves they grew up in, how unhappy they are, just like in HR. And that it takes two external situations to push them out of those ruts makes sense. They’re so good at pushing themselves forward, to sticking to the path they’ve been on, that it’s hard to step out of it. And yet, that path may lead to something they both want—successful hockey careers—the grooves were created by someone else, with someone else’s standards that they, at times, blindly think are their own because the end goal is the same. But they need something to push them sideways, not forward, to realize there’s room to walk comfortably, side by side, on the edges.

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yeah i can’t tell you how many times i’ve read a fic where the writer has chris do something he couldn’t physically do, and it pulls me out of the story so hard. and as much as i want to tell the writer, i feel like fic comment etiquette is such that i can’t, even though i’d do it in the nicest way possible.

Hard same! Both fronts—hence the post, because I’m not going to comment on a stranger’s fic to say, “hey, have you considered that Chris is disabled and that’s fine?” Nor do I want to call out anyone directly. But I’ve read him carrying snacks to his room while also using his crutches, as if he’s broken a leg and the other can carry his weight by hobbling. Being in charge of bringing out the trash (how?). Holding a baby while not sitting. Kneeling. Sitting cross legged. And that’s not even considering how his vision factors in or, and @lesbucks pointed out in the notes, his vocal disability.

I don’t know if it’s because Chris’ disability is physical, or because he’s a child, or because people are unfamiliar with CP, but I don’t fail to notice that Buck’s ADHD (which isn’t mentioned outright in canon) is never shied away from. It’s not often the focus, but it is woven seamlessly into so many authors’ fics, beautifully I might add, and yet as a whole, a lot of fandom can’t seem to do the same for Chris.

And maybe I’m just sensitive to noticing when an author or artist veers away from a disability in order to not make it a big deal but in turn ends up erasing it, or worse, not remembering it / its severity because I am disabled, but it’s so frustrating! Which again, was my point. I’m not trying to nag or ridicule or insinuate that they’re bad people. That’s just how privilege works: you don’t have to think about it. So here’s hoping more people do. There’s nothing wrong with being disabled. There is something wrong (hurtful, disheartening) in ignoring it, even when it’s unintentional (and I do think it’s almost always unintended)

[livesbetweenpages]

There’s something so heart wrenching about Eddie who digs his heels into every decision he makes, even if it turns out to actively be hurting him or someone else—except Chris. With Chris, he runs. He found out Shannon was pregnant: signed up for the army. He found out Chris wasn’t developing as expected: re-enlisted. His parents tried talking Eddie into letting them raise Chris: he took Chris to LA. He thought being a firefighter was too much of a risk for Chris: left the 118. He fucked up with Kim: he let Chris run. And of course, Kim is the embodiment of Eddie’s desires, and the situation collapses all of Eddie’s instincts onto themselves, so that when he thinks Chris is thriving in Texas, he runs under the guise of good parenting, but it’s a running from the roots and attachments and life he built for himself, filled with the things he wants. A family who loves him and sees the good of what he does as much as the mistakes. A partner he can depend on, who he can lean on, who he wants around, full stop, not an ideal of a person he’s supposed to want. A job that he loves, and excels at, and is more than just something to pay the bills even if it comes with real risks. He runs but simultaneously digs his heels into the decision, repeats what he did with Shannon in making choices that don’t just affect him but that he can argue are necessary, as if it’s the only option available to him, because to consider an alternative would force him to consider his own needs instead of only the needs of those he’s responsible for/to. And so far, since he’s been back, he hasn’t been forced to reckon with these instincts, both in how they played out in the past, but also whether he’ll continue these dual seemingly-at-odds but now-mutually-dependent reactions.

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That Eddie is constantly willing to tell Buck about his issues so long as they relate to Chris but will only not deny things once Buck finds out about things that relate only to Eddie is so fascinating. He tells Buck about his worry for Chris in the earthquake, that Eddie is all Chris has, that Shannon wants to see Chris, that Chris lied about science club, that Chris was texting multiple girls, that Chris locked himself in his room. He has Buck on FT even minute of the day when they’re apart because the house isn’t good enough, his plans with Chris are being derailed, he thinks Chris is embarrassed about his new job.

He doesn’t tell Buck that Shannon left—Pepa does, and then Eddie owns up to it not being all Shannon’s fault. He owns up to the panic attack only after the cardiologist basically forced it. He owns up to the issues with Ana only after Buck witnesses something is wrong. He owns up to the ptsd because Buck walks into the middle of it. He owns up to Marisol and the nun thing after Buck questions why he’s there early. He owns up to Kim after Buck meets her and confronts Eddie about it. He only tells Buck about wanting to move after Buck finds the tablet, only about the house once it’s already purchased, only about the El Paso job after Buck finds out, all of which connect to Chris but stem from Kim.

Over and over he turns to Buck about Chris because he knows Buck won’t judge him for it, and will reassure Buck in painfully sincere ways when it’s in relation to Chris/Chris adjacent, but he doesn’t turn to Buck about himself. He doesn’t lie about it once Buck steps into it, but he doesn’t actively bring Buck into it. It’s like he’s willing to let Buck see him failing at fatherhood, and more so after the tsunami than before, in part because Buck immediately saw Eddie drowning in various responsibilities at the very start of knowing each other, but after because he saw Buck worrying about failing Chris as much as he does. And yet it’s like he can’t willingly let Buck see him as a failure as a person or in romantic relationships, but also is unwilling to lie to Buck. Like he thinks not telling isn’t lying—and these instances specifically it isn’t, but he’s still hiding these imperfections, these “failures” so that Buck can still see him as good. Which is also so so interesting because he considers his role as father to be intrinsic to who he is.

Which then makes me wonder: why. Because it’s not that Buck doesn’t constantly find out the full story after he asks/pushes. So it seems that Eddie can’t initiate it. He can’t bring himself to “confess.” He stayed out of the confessional for decades and then refused to accept absolution. And yet never once seeks it from Buck to begin with.

[livesbetweenpages]

Now that I’m thinking, I know we focus so much, and rightly so, on Eddie’s reaction to Buck finding out about Kim: how Eddie tries to hide it, and with just a look from Buck, caves immediately and confesses. But Buck’s reaction is also noteworthy. He finds out his friend is cheating on Marisol, whom he’s been dating for months, finds out it’s emotional not physical, finds out she looks exactly like Shannon and individually, those points would likely garner a big reaction from anyone who found out. But Buck doesn’t focus on any of it. He focuses on Eddie. He doesn’t question Eddie’s motives or decisions, because he knows Eddie, knows this is out of character and yet so very much something Eddie would chase, would hide. He isn’t mad Eddie never told him. He isn’t mad at all. He doesn’t accuse Eddie but doesn’t excuse him either. He’s just a pillar for Eddie to lean on, to remind Eddie of himself, while also recognizing the hurt Kim and Marisol would feel. He just has so much love for Eddie that he knows Eddie wouldn’t want to hurt either of them, while also having been in positions where he thought a relationship meant something specific when it didn’t for the other person. He loves Eddie so much—unconditionally—in a scene shortly before his parents use it as proof they were right 6 years ago, in a scene shortly before Chris is so angry with and hurt by him that he can’t even look at Eddie. Meanwhile, Buck never looks away. Whereas eddie “fails” as boyfriend, as son, as parent, for Buck, Eddie is always Eddie to him, no matter what. No label and no expectation that comes with it required, and so Eddie can never fail with Buck because there’s nothing to live up to.

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It just occurred to me that Eddie is normally the looker, Mr. Heart Eyes, staring at Buck while Buck talks—except when Eddie’s in Texas and they’re on FaceTime and suddenly Eddie keeps looking past the phone, keeps looking anywhere but Buck, while Buck sneaks glances at what he’s doing, so that he can keep his focus on Eddie.

It’s like Eddie can’t look at Buck because Buck is the mirror that shows Eddie the full truth of who he is: Buck doesn’t ignore the messy bits, the mistakes, but he doesn’t hold them against Eddie like it makes Eddie less than. And Eddie’s in a hell of his own making, trapped in a town he left and felt forced to return because he made the biggest mistake he could: losing his kid’s trust—losing his kid near completely. And he can’t look at Buck in the moments he fails, because he Buck forgives him for it, regardless of what it is, and Eddie doesn’t think he deserves that forgiveness until he makes it right. It’s why, in part, to me, he didn’t tell Buck about Kim.

Meanwhile, the screen acts as a barrier, acts as permission, for Buck to look at Eddie. He’s allowed, encouraged even, to focus on Eddie, who needs him, even 800 miles away. No tricks needed to offer support like he had to with Carla’s expertise. Buck doesn’t have to offer this time, just like when Chris wanted to leave; because Eddie called him. And Eddie keeps calling him, keeps needing him, so Buck gets to help, and gets to look, in part because of the screen, but also because Eddie keeps looking away.

[livesbetweenpages]

#buck and his eternal feelings of impermanence… wah#like this being his concern after a whole arc where he was kidnapped to be a replacement for someone else#the ways buck keeps hearing the message that his value is not inherent to him#but the people who actually love him don’t feel that way at all#like actually i could chew on this aspect of buck forever <- @perlaret’s tags on this gif set have me thinking

What is the will if not Buck’s impermanence to Eddie in actuality? He doesn’t get to be in the Diaz family—unless Eddie dies. His place is established but it exists in absence (Eddie’s) but also as absence, as in it’s a role that doesn’t exist if Eddie’s alive. His value isn’t inherent to him because his value is in being alive when Eddie cannot/is not.

And yet! What is the will if not Eddie permanently keeping Buck as part of his family, but in possibility? Shannon died, his parents don’t trust his abilities, Isabel isn’t physically capable of parenting Chris everyday—all of these people who aren’t there or can’t be there when Eddie is still alive, unlike Buck who isn’t related yet constantly there for Eddie and Chris simply by giving Eddie options and resources and support. And Eddie sees that, and knows how hard Buck fights, and that trait is unique to Buck—it’s Buck at his core—and it’s that reason, that inherent part of who Buck is, that makes Eddie update his will. You act like you’re expendable, but you’re wrong. To Eddie, Buck can’t be replaced.

From Eddie’s side, Buck isn’t a placeholder for Eddie should anything happen. He’s vital, always already. But from Buck’s side, Buck is not expendable in case. He’s vital in future, but only if. Whereas for Eddie the will solidifies Buck’s place in his and Chris’ life and family, the will and Buck’s place in the Diaz family cannot coexist. If the will means anything, Eddie is still alive, but once Eddie dies, and the will is enacted and executed, it no longer holds any value, any meaning, because it can’t be re-activated. If Eddie dies, the will once executed also becomes a dead document.

So of course Buck won’t say anything even if he figures out how he feels about Eddie. But of course Eddie doesn’t have to look at how he feels about Buck because he’s already made the biggest gesture he could.

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In a season where Buck has spent time ruminating on who he is and what he wants, and a season where Eddie suffers alone but heals with other people, I think now would be a perfect opportunity for Buck to realize he is, in fact, in love with Eddie. He doesn’t say anything, of course he doesn’t. He can’t. Because Eddie is straight and more importantly his best friend and Eddie and Chris are his family, and he cannot let what he wants fuck that up, and so in a very Eddie-like move, he doesn’t think he deserves to get what he wants but he can settle for close enough. So he attempts dating—not hook ups, not tinder or grinder or an app—a real set up, with potential!

And unlike every other time, Eddie, who in s9 has repeatedly doubled down on not wanting to date, doesn’t follow suit, both in part because he doesn’t want to, but more importantly because, after a week of being mildly annoyed at Buck’s new relationship for reasons he can’t say, he finally figures out why he doesn’t want to date and why he’s so antagonistic towards this new person: because Eddie’s in love. Except Buck seems happy. So he can’t say anything—won’t say anything. Buck’s his best friend. If Buck had feelings for him, he’d have known…right? Cue angst spiral about everything this means and who he is and why it doesn’t matter now.

Meanwhile, Buck is making it work, except for every moment he knows he’s miserable, but he’s going to have to find some light in the misery, he did it after Bobby died so he can do it for this…right? And Eddie’s miserable. And both of them are trying not to show it. Until Buck finally breaks it off, finally gets where Abby, where Tommy were coming from: it’s very much not about the other person so much as they aren’t it, this is nice but it’s not enough, and Buck would rather have almost with Eddie than everything with someone else. And then in the good, dream world, we get a repeat of Buck miserable and coming over to Eddie’s and Eddie happy and Buck’s like, okay I know you didn’t like them but could you at least tone down the glee. And Eddie says, I’m not gleeful. I’m just … I’m happy./ you’re happy I’m single again? / yeah :D / you’re happy no one’s ever going to love me the way i want them to? / no / then why are you so happy in the face of my misery? / you have a nice face … even when you’re miserable / Eddie / I’m happy cause you already do. Have someone who loves you, I mean / Eddie / at least…I think that the way I love you is the way you want me to :)

What I’m saying is is that while I think the chances of Buck saying anything without knowing how Eddie feels are essentially zero, I think the chances of Buck figuring it out before Eddie are pretty high and I’m hoping my bet is good because the angst potential is delicious