I’ve been okay for a while now But okay is a slippery slope. I remember, And every time I dwell too long I feel your weight on me And I cannot breathe I break a sweat trying to run from my own highlight reel And it pours into a glass - I shoot it like hard liquor as I try to regain some of my strength Am I a victim or a survivor? I am both, and the scale is always changing Some days I’m more a survivor than a victim But right now I feel like the victim I can’t even cry because if I do, it will take too long to recover And I am trying to be brave, but bravery feels like lidocaine I am numb. I want the warmth of those who love me, but I cannot bear the thought of being touch I long for for it, but feel unworthy of a kind hand and the gentle heartbeat of those who know my tragedy and love me like an ancient masterpiece Right now, I’m not okay And no ones fault - not really So I’m sucking smoke into my lungs so that maybe I can suck it up But it hurts And it feels like it’s brand new Years may have passed, but you will always be the monster who escaped the dungeon beneath my bed You will always be the one who stole something I didn’t know I had. -ashleyanne #ashleyanne #prose #wordvomit #lit #paintopoetry #poetryfrompain #monster #survivor #iamboth #recovery #processing https://www.instagram.com/p/B1pgZCRh4L8/?igshid=nzw2qwpxb32v