HAPPY PAN VISIBILITY DAY to all of pansexual, panromantic, and other wonderful people... and a very specific little guy from a comic, i guess.

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HAPPY PAN VISIBILITY DAY to all of pansexual, panromantic, and other wonderful people... and a very specific little guy from a comic, i guess.
11 pm realizations.
1. I realised that i may or may not have a crush on my best friend
2. I might not be fully aromantic
3. My previous theory of being demiromantic might be right
And 4. I am 100% still ace. Without a doubt.
Being pan oriented aroace is odd because im attracted to so many people but what for
this is me venting and if you don't wanna read this, that's okay! if you read this, yay! and if i can help or just show other oriented aroace and aspec people in general that they're not alone, im happy about that. though i don't know if this is actually helpful ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
anyway, i need to vent. too many fucking thoughts and screaming them into this void might help a little.
i hate being confused about my feelings and my orientation. because like. i have no fucking clue of anything and im still trying to determine if i really don't feel any romantic attraction and its just really strong platonic attraction.
also, i still don't know if i only like women and im a lesbian oriented aroace or if i am either bi oriented or pan oriented. like seriously. i know that i already felt more for a boy when i was younger, but i also know that it definitely wasn't sexual attraction and if i ever tried to think about kissing said boy i was kinda weirded out. so now im not even sure if it ever even was romantic attraction or, like i said, just really strong platonic attraction.
and now there's also this guy that i kinda like, but im pretty sure it's neither romantic nor sexual attraction. but i think that i wanna be close to him, but that could just mean that i just wanna be really good friends with him and just spend time with him.
on the other hand, there's also this girl that i met like five days ago on a friend's birthday and i know she's not straight because my friend said that everyone who was there was not straight. and. like. i can't stop thinking about her and she was really cute. but like. i dunno in what way i think/thought she was cute. i just know that i wanna meet her again and im also hoping that when my friend organises another meet-up like this that she's also gonna be there. she just seemed really nice and cute and kind. but in theory i really don't know what kind of relationship i could imagine with her. because, like i already said, i am definitely not sexually attracted to anyone, but i wouldn't mind if we kissed, although im not entirely sure if i'd really want/like that, but i think it would be okay for me?
but i think aroace is definitely a label that i identify with. so i think i'd be okay with being in a queerplatonic relationship? but i can mostly only imagine being in a qpr (or something similar) with women.
so am i more like lesbian oriented or is it me being bi oriented and just preferring women? i don't know. and i also don't even know if she would like me like that? (whatever "like me like that" means) im also still thinking about just going up to her and asking her if she would like to be platonic girlfriends. but that kinda seems a bit too unusual and maybe strange or weird.
so yeah. i dunno if writing all of that down actually helped me or just got me more confused, but i think i at least know that i like her. in some way. and i kinda like that guy. but yeah. in what way.
if you have tips/experiences to share or just want to talk about being oriented aroace/aspec or just talk in general. im here and i would love to meet new people. and it kinda seems very random to put this at the end of my venting, but hey! if my venting helps me to meet new people, why not ^^ (though i don’t know if anyone's gonna read this till the end)
idk, this is kinda just a few identity crisis rants, but here goes.
okay, so I identify as an aroace pan oriented transmasculine entity. that's a lot of words, and it took me forever to figure them all out, but they're comfy, the comfiest descriptors I've found yet. but a lot recently my mind, that fucker, has been throwing a bunch of shit in the cogs to freak me out, and two specific arguments:
I've been having a hard time associating my whole self with my chosen name
I don't know what romantic attraction feels like, and I want close emotionally attached connections, so am I actually Aro or am I actually just confused like everyone says
my chosen name feels like something for just my corporeal being. when I try to associate it with my consciousness, it doesn't feel right. I, the actual mental processor piloting this flesh blob, don't feel connected to any specific name, but I feel like my name does still work, just, only for the flesh blob I'm piloting, not for me. and it's really confusing me. I've tried other names before and this is the first one that I've completely enjoyed, but I still prefer to not be referred to as "chosen name", just like, by nicknames or terms of endearment. and I don't know what this means, it's really confusing me and it's making me sad and all the imposter syndrome of 'what if you're not trans' is using that to attack me, so I'm just,, what does all this mean? i just want answers.
the other one was something I figured out when I finally saw an actual description of the different attractions. it used to be that I thought aesthetic attraction was the same as romantic, and thinking a person was pretty was all I needed to be in a romantic relationship. then when that was removed, I thought maybe emotional closeness was all I needed to be in a romantic relationship, but I'm so incredibly emotionally close to my friends and I have never considered asking them out, and I'd go mad if I ever had to live with most of them, it's a friendship because when I need to, I can just go back to my own spaces or kick them out of said spaces. but all my friends are dating and whenever I hear them talking about partners, I still feel that ache of wanting for something like that, but at the same time I would never seek it because I don't even know what I'd be seeking. so, yeah, I just really want to know what's going on.
panoriented
panoriented \pæn-'ɒ-ri:-en-ted\
(noun)
a person identifying as being romantically and sexually attracted only to persons identifying as any gender
synonym to pan