The Philosophy of Lost Chances Chapter 7
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that’s sent private messages, sent notes or has reblogged my stories. I haven’t felt like these things are that good lately and I have to admit when you see something with 2 notes it can get discouraging. So I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that does encourage me. It means the world to me.
Qui-Gon had spent the morning in meeting after meeting with both the Naboo and the Gungans, trying to sort out their complicated future. There were so many logistics that needed to be covered before the healing could begin, but it seemed that the Queen would ensure that all Naboo would be OK. It was exciting to watch the young woman weave in and out of the reports, she would be a strong leader, Qui-Gon could see why Anakin had spoken so highly of her.
Letting his feet wander around the palace, Qui-Gon’s thoughts started to drift to Mace and Obi-Wan. He had inquired about the two before the meetings had started. They were very hopeful about the prognosis since the master had woken the evening before, but had voiced their alarm where the padawan was concerned. He refused to leave Mace’s bedside for food or sleep, they were considering their own means of subterfuge if the young man didn’t start listening to medical advice.
Qui-Gon had happened on one of the numerous gardens in the Queen’s considerable home. It astonished him how much nurturing went into the palace grounds. It almost felt like the temple, like home. The living force was alive around each and every color; it helped to calm him as he renewed his thoughts of the red-haired imp that seemed to consume his thoughts as of late. He couldn’t fault the young man for his devotion to Mace, his master. He remembered how inconsolable he had been when Xanatos had been ill or hurt. “Xanatos…” The word was wrenched from his lips as memories overwhelmed his thoughts. He remembered waiting for his apprentice to awake after a bad concussion that left him in a lifeless coma. The time he was just a young boy and contracted a deadly alien flu from a distant planet they had visited. Time and time again his thoughts were sitting by his bedside, the cold lifeless hand in his as he prayed to the force to return him.
Qui-Gon had seen that same silent plea when he entered the healing halls the night before. The utter look of despair of a person trying to bargain with their gods as they tried to justify a solution that would allow the person they loved most to come back to life. The feelings started to pummel him from each and every direction sending the master crashing down heavily on his knees. The dirt and stone digging into older flesh that no longer could take such punishment, as the memories started to extend harder and faster at the master.
“Not here, not now.” The faint words were wrenched from his lips as the pounding in his chest seemed to get thunderous and brisk. He began to picture the jet black hair of the man he raised and loved as a son, lightsaber raised to strike and kill. The words of hatred that spewed from his lips as the moments continued on, only to have the image morph into a small, compact red-haired padawan. Obi-Wan’s blue lightsaber raised above his head to strike out at Qui-Gon. The hatred that was sparked towards a man that he barely knew but still loathed, his heart was now completely out of control. He felt as if it didn’t slow down he would die here, beneath the green canopy of the living force, once again alone.
Qui-Gon recalled all the darkness that he had seen last night, directed at him, as he absorbed it all into his own mind to prevent the turn of such a valuable padawan. He felt the hatred of the moment. He knew that Obi-Wan had struck back at the Zabrak with anger and hatred, not the Jedi way. The darkness had tainted the young man and up until last night he had not purged it into the force, he had not let it go.
“Nooo….”
The word was wrenched from the master’s chapped lips as the emotions continued to swirl around him. He was in an endless loop of darkness and hopelessness. The exercises that once let him calm down from the panic were not succeeding. As the moments lingered his heart beat out of control. His breath coming in shallow gulps, as the moment of helplessness continued. The darkness was here and it wasn’t letting go.
Obi-Wan was clutching tightly to his master’s hand, when he awoke and looked up into smiling eyes. His master was looking better, if not completely healed, he was on his way. “Master.” The single word was said with such reverence and caring that it almost broke Mace’s heart to see his apprentice so out of sorts.
“My Obi-Wan, you look like hell.” Mace chuckled softly and immediately stopped as the pain ran through his body.
“Master, please don’t do anything that will do more damage to your wounds. Would you like some water?”
“Thank you, Obi. I’m OK. I’m worried more for you, it looks like you went twelve rounds with a Sith.” The dark circles under his apprentice’s eyes said it all. He knew that boy, no the young man now, probably never left his side. They had many rules as Jedi and attachments were one of those, but he knew without a doubt that they were both attached to the other. You couldn’t spend most of your young life with one person and not form a bond, one that seemed unreasonable in every other instance. They both loved each other, as a family and no one would ever stop them from caring for the other.
“Really Master, you think to joke now?” Obi-Wan looked away, trying to hide the smile that the banter invoked.
“There is no better time for levity then now. You fought and defeated a Dark Lord of the Sith, Obi-Wan. You saved my life and in that have proven without a doubt that you are ready for your knighthood.” The pride in his master’s voice only made him feel guiltier about everything that happened in the last two days. He had defeated the Sith because he gave into his emotions, he had unleashed that anger and hatred toward another Master of the order. He didn’t deserve his knighthood; he didn’t even truly deserve to call himself Jedi.
“Obi-Wan, what is wrong?” Mace started to cringe slightly as the overwhelming emotions flooded their bond. He could feel the self-loathing and recrimination that crushed the young man before him and tried desperately to put it to rest, sending all the love and admiration he felt through their ever strengthening bond.
Obi-Wan released his death grip on the still pale and clammy hand that kept him grounded to the present. “I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve anything but to be sent away. You made a mistake when you took me, you should have let me age out.” The cold words flowed from his lips, but they were said without feeling, as it they were being recited by a protocol droid.
Mace tried to sit up, his muscles clenching with pain as they argued that this wasn’t something they were meant to do, but he would see to his padawan in his time of need. “Obi-Wan Kenobi, you will look at me, NOW!” The words were harsh and meant to break him from the trance that seemed to keep hold.
“M…Master.” Obi-Wan looked up at Mace, a look of utter despair upon that beautiful face. The dimples that always showed his happiness no longer there, his face presented a very haunted man that was drowning in his own feelings.
“Speak to me, Obi. No matter what you tell me, I will always love you. Nothing will change that.” Mace quickly drew the boy from the chair and pulled him up on the bed in his embrace. “Darkness can’t consume you if you don’t let it. Speak to me, Padawan.”
“When I watched him pierce you, and I was helpless to do anything until the force field lifted. I felt anger. I felt despair. I wanted to go to you, but I knew I had to defeat him to do that. In that moment, I hated him, I wanted revenge for the pain he inflicted.” The young man let his head drop to his chest, tears now flowing down his cheeks as he continued. He knew that his master would let him finish, not interrupting until it was over. He remembered how he felt in the moments leading up to the confrontation between him and the Sith, it seemed like a century ago, so far away.
“Go on, Obi.” Mace ran soothing circles against his padawan‘s back, trying to be patient.
“When the force field dropped, I attacked, not to end this, but to make him hurt. I wanted him to feel the pain that was running through our bond. I wanted him to know what it was like to hurt as bad as you did! I was so overwhelmed that I lost my balance and fell into the melting pit. In that one moment, I had failed you, I had failed the Jedi. I let my emotions dictate the combat and I was going to leave you alone to die. I never felt so helpless.” Obi-Wan started to sob, his sentiments finally releasing to the force as he continued to talk.
“Obviously, you didn’t end up burnt to a crisp.” Mace tried to offer a bit of levity to the situation knowing that when it was over his padawan would be quite embarrassed.
“In that moment, I let go of the hatred and anger and centered in the force. I felt your drifting presence and knew I had to end it or you would be gone. I was able to locate your saber and call it to me as I jumped from the pit and cut the Sith in half. I didn’t stick around to watch him; I just ran to your side and attempted to heal you. I couldn’t let you go.”
The silence fell over the room as Mace realized the boy had said all he would for now. “Tell me, young padawan. In all that you told me, what do you believe to be your greatest sin?”
Obi-Wan glanced up and wiped the tears from his eyes, feeling like a foolish child once more. “I struck out in anger. I broke the code.”
“The code. I do believe I once knew a man that told me that the code was a guideline that sometimes needed to be broken. In fact, I think the exact words were, ‘Fuck the code’.” Mace traced the tear tracks from the padawan’s face as he remembered the boy he once used to be. “You may have given into your emotions, but you forgot the most important thing in your speech. You felt your passions and centered in the force, you gave into it at the lowest point and came away clean. You did not walk the dark path for long, young one. I do not believe that once we go down that path that it will forever alter our destiny. You will remember that moment forever, and recognize it if it happens again.” Mace pulled Obi-Wan into a tight hug and felt the boy flinch and then relent as the words and meaning started to wash over him.
“Have you been able to assist the Naboo, or have the council sent another Knight to assist?” Mace felt Obi-Wan tense once again, knowing that this was something else that was bothering him. “What happened, Obi?”
“The council sent Master Jinn.” Obi-Wan swallowed and crawled back out of the bed and into the chair before his master. “He came by last night and…”
“If he hurt you, I swear to god I will cut his precious fucking hair!” Mace growled.
“He didn’t…I hurt him. I was so upset and he came in and asked about a debriefing. He didn’t seem to even care that his friend was lying lifeless in a bed. He cared for nothing but the mission.”
Mace nodded and knew that wasn’t the case. His longtime friend just hid any emotions that might make him vulnerable. “I’m sure he cared, Obi-Wan. You just have to understand everything Qui-Gon’s been through. You once wanted to be his friend, are you giving up on him?”
Obi-Wan shook his head and tried to put his thoughts together. “Master, I lashed out at him, I let the darkness that I felt from the fight focus on Master Jinn. I know that he was letting me and taking it all into himself to protect me, but I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t…”
“Obi-Wan, I know how much you’ve been through, but you would need to know the story in order to understand just what Qui-Gon offered you by taking that darkness inside himself. I’m not the person to tell you that story, however. Today is a new day, with a promise of new beginnings, perhaps you should find him and talk to him?” Mace patted his apprentice’s hand and gave him a weak smile. “Besides, I’m tired and need to rest. I suggest once you have sorted this out that you do the same.”
Obi-Wan stood from the chair and looked back at the drowsy master. “You’re going to be OK.” It was both a question and a statement that Mace just nodded.
“When Qui-Gon is struggling, you can certainly find him in a garden.” Mace dismissed his apprentice with a wave of a hand and the young man disappeared behind the door.
After his talk with Mace, he felt lighter. He knew that he would have to recount his anger and emotions to the council but he knew that his master was correct, he stepped away from the darkness and didn’t let it take over, however he needed to find Qui-Gon and apologize. The master had his own issues. He didn’t need to take on Obi-Wan’s. This palace had too many gardens; the young man thought to himself, this was the fourth garden and no sign of the tall troubled master. Just as he was about to give up and go back to his quarters he felt the force swirl around him. Something was off, wrong. The compact padawan started to trace the feelings and was led to yet another garden off the beaten path, he was starting to run as the force called for urgency.
Qui-Gon Jinn was on his knees, his body toppled over in what looked to be agony as he gasped for air. The rocks around him were flying faster and faster as the force whipped around him. Tears were streaming down the cheeks of the older man as he projected his thoughts outward for anyone to hear. This wasn’t the control of a seasoned master; this was the plea for help from a man that was drowning in his fears. Obi-Wan closed his eyes and tried to center himself in the force before getting any closer. He could feel everything this man had felt. He felt betrayal, guilt, darkness, but the strongest emotion was loneliness. How could they have let this man flounder for so long? How could the council and the other Jedi not see just how damaged the older man had become?
“Master Jinn?” Obi-Wan let the soft word slip from his lips, but there was no recognition in it. Just a bit louder, Obi-Wan spoke more forcefully. “Qui-Gon Jinn, please listen to me…”
The rocks seemed to spin faster around the master as he approached him. The fear of failure radiated off him in sheets that made the padawan feel sick to his stomach. He then realized that some of the feelings were familiar, they were feelings from the night before. The master had taken them all into himself to help the padawan, even if he could ill afford it.
“Qui-Gon, please, listen to me. You are having a panic attack and your shields are down.” Obi-Wan shifted a bit closer and was able to deflect the rocks against a nearby tree allowing him to reach out gently to the man on his knees. He lightly took the larger than life hand and pressed it against his own chest. “Feel my breath and breath with me, Qui-Gon.” Obi-Wan started to exaggerate his breathing to assist. “That’s it, it’s just a panic attack, and we can get through it together. It’s not the end of everything. It’s just the beginning.”
Obi-Wan sensed the master start to match his breaths, his feelings starting to swirl a bit less as a tiny shield wrapped around the master’s thoughts once again. “That’s it. It’s OK. Just breathe with me Qui-Gon.”
As the shields began to establish once again and Qui-Gon seemed to come back to the moment, he felt the master pull back in embarrassment. “There is nothing to be embarrassed about. You helped me last night and I’m just returning the favor. Master Mace says that it is strength to ask for help when everything seems hopeless. Something tells me you’ve been alone in this for a long time, Qui-Gon.”
The cerulean eyes lifted and just stared back in confusion. Obi-Wan knew this was the moment that would change everything. The master would either take the help offered or retreat. He knew that the force was telling him that if he retreated then all would be lost. “Please, stay with me.” The younger man reached out and gently wiped away the tears that fell down Qui-Gon’s face. It was such a simple thing to do, but it broke through the walls that were Qui-Gon Jinn, the master collapsed into his arms, letting everything wash over him.
“It’s going to be OK. I will help you. We will help you.” The words were said over and over as Obi-Wan rocked the older man in his arms, the force stilled as one of their favored was being cared, “Finally” it seemed to whisper.
