#depresstion

[kae-ty]

I’m fucking sad, I’m so tired of being so sad.

[letitiaslabyrinth]

DIDN'T DESERVE | PART TWO

warnings: feels. like a lot of them. talks about mental and emotional abuse. Shuri goes o f f. angst, angst ending in fluff, y'all get a happy ending this time dw pairing: Shuriri word count: 2.5k A/N: LISTENNNNNNNNN I know I'm late with this alright? I knowww but I'm here now so 😭 also my bad for dipping for like a week? maybe more than that but I'm gonna be honest this fic was kicking my ass cause I was going through a lot while tryna write. needless to say there's so much projecting in this it's c r a z y. anyways even tho this took me so long, im still not satisfied with the ending but i digress since i need sumn to give yall ignore any and all mistakes cause this isnt proof read.

It had been a month since Riri told Shuri she wasn't going to forgive her and it had been the worst month of both of their lives.

Shuri had basically overwhelmed herself with her work in the lab. She never left—she practically slept there most nights. 

It's not that Shuri had things to fix with the suits, hell, she didn't even bother looking at them because they reminded her of Riri, but she needed something to keep her hands and mind busy so she just worked on small projects.

People started to notice, obviously, but nobody said anything. It’s not that they didn’t want to, it’s the fact that they knew Shuri wouldn’t listen. She was in her own world right now—her own safe space and anybody who tried to break her out of it in any way would be yelled at. 

Okoye walks into the lab, rushing to Shuri’s side as she almost falls over. “kumkanikazi wam kufuneka uphumle," (My queen you must rest) she says, helping Shuri sit down.

“I’m fine, Okoye.” Shuri brushes her off and tries to stand, only to nearly collapse for a second time. Okoye sits her down again.

“You have buried yourself in your technology for the past month, Shuri. You are hurting your body.”

Shuri sits there for a second. Her head drops, making her sit up straight. “Alright, maybe, I should take a nap-”

“In your own bed,” Okoye interrupts.

“Yes, in my own bed, Okoye.” Shuri rolls her eyes in fake annoyance before leaving to go to her room.

Once she’s there, she takes a shower first. The water feels so nice against her skin that she doesn't wanna get out. 

Over an hour later, Shuri stepped out of the shower. She wrapped her towel around her body and made her way to her bedroom. She dried herself off and put on a pair of clothes then sat on her bed. It was quiet. She didn’t know how to feel with no foreign noise or voice in the background. Shuri shakes her head and puts her phone on her bedside table. That’s when she sees it. In the crevasse between the bed and the night stand was a photo. Shuri picked it up. It was a picture of her and Imani. It was their first date. Shuri can feel tears starting to form and puts the picture down. She closes her eyes and wraps her arms around her chest, slightly rocking side to side. She hasn't taken any time for herself since her breakup with Imani and now that she was, it… actually, Shuri didn’t know how she felt. At least, not exactly. Yes, she was hurt. Yes, she was upset, but what else? Imani had put Shuri through so much mental and emotional manipulation that even when they broke up Shuri didn’t realize it. Shuri doesn’t know if she should feel relieved now that she knows or not. In all honesty, realizing that she was basically nothing more than a plaything for Imani to control, realizing all the sleepless night and petty arguments would only ever end in Shuri apologizing whether she was in the wrong or not, realizing that her and Imani did have something real before things went south, it hurt.

Over the five years that they’ve known each other, they’ve broken up and gotten back together again a number of times. Shuri knew she shouldn’t have given in to Imani when she told Shuri that she had changed but Shuri missed her. I mean, could you blame her? Imani wasn’t the only person in their relationship and she wasn’t the only one who made the mistakes.

This breakup was different, though. It was final. Shuri and Imani had had an actual conversation, over text, about their relationship. Of course, Shuri had been the one who reached out first but when Imani told her she was tired of going back and forth, that was it. She left her alone.

Memories of how they were before they made anything official ran through Shuri’s mind. The midnight calls that would end up with Shuri falling asleep first because of how safe she felt with Imani. The constant texting and inside jokes they had with each other that no one else understood. The sound of her voice, her sweet, pretty smile that she always flashed at the camera, the future plans they had made with each other. Shuri had felt like she had met her true love, her first love. Ironic, huh? That the first person she ever dated would be the same person she would be with five, ten, twenty years later. Shuri had opened up to Imani about so many things. Things she would deny if somebody had asked her about it. Yes, Imani was Shuri’s first girlfriend but she made Shuri feel like they would never leave each other. Like they would stay together forever.

Shuri’s phone buzzes, the sound freeing her from her own mind. She lets herself go and wipes the tears she didn’t even realize had fallen. 

Ima ❤️

iMessage

Shuri dropped her phone. She got up, pacing around her room. So many questions started falling into her head all at once. She couldn’t think. She could hear her heartbeat in her-

Incoming call from Ima red heart

Shuri gasps, “Fuck!” 

Tears swelled her eyes. Why was Imani reaching out now? Just when Shuri was trying to start her healing process. Shuri sunk to the floor, head in her lap, hands over her head. She let her ringtone play out but even when it stopped she didn’t make any efforts to move.

She ended up sleeping there

Shuri hears Okoye’s voice when she starts waking up. Okoye’s shaking her and checking her vitals with her kimoyo beads.

“Okoye, I’m fine,” Shuri groans. Her side hurts from the way she slept but she barely even remembers sleeping.

“My queen, you have a visitor downstairs in the common area,” Okoye says.

Shuri prayed to Bast that it was Riri instead of Imani. "Tell them I'll be down in a second."

Okoye nods once before leaving.

"Imani?" Shuri says, causing her to turn around. She looks… different. A good different. But Shuri won't let herself fall for that trick again. "Why're you here?"

"I came to apologize." Her voice is different, too. It sounds more mature than Shuri remembered. "I was tryna reach out to you last night so that we could actually schedule a day that you weren't busy so I could come by but you didn't answer so I figured an apology in person would be better."

Shuri keeps her guard up while Imani talks, her arms folded over chest. "I don't forgive you."

Imani stays quiet for a few seconds. "What? Shuri, I said I was sorry."

"Yeah, and I do not forgive you. You put me through hell, Imani, and I know you didn't seriously come here thinking that those two words would make you forgive you for everything. And, to be honest, I would tell you how fucked up in the head I am because of you, but knowing you, you'd probably use it against me in the future, if we even talk. So, why don't you just save both of our time and tell me why you're really here."

"Fine." Imani takes a deep breath. "I wanna try this again. I know I hurt you, and I am sorry, Shuri, I was going through a lot at the time we were dating and I projected my emotions onto you, which I shouldn't have. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me and I can't live without you."

"Then don't," Shuri shrugs.

"What?"

"Live without me."

Imani smiles. "I knew you'd understand -”

"Oh, no no," Shuri cuts her off, shaking her head. "I'm not saying we can get back together, Ima, I'm telling you to kill yourself. You know, since you can't live without me, just don't bother living at all."

"Shuri, what the fuck? What's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me is that my ex-girlfriend who mentally and emotionally abused me for years came into my house uninvited, gave a half-ass apology where she tried to turn herself into the victim, and then had the balls to ask me to get back together. That's what's wrong with me. You've ruined so many friendships I had and now thanks to you, I can't get them back. You knew I had never dated a girl before and you took advantage of that." Shuri raises her finger as Imani was about to say something. "And before you say it, no, we cannot just move on like we've done in the past. I deserve someone better than you. Someone who doesn't treat me like shit and doesn't ruin relationships I have with people just because they're insecure about themselves. So, do us both a favor and get the hell up outta my house. And if you can't find the exit on your own, Okoye and the other Dora will gladly help you." Just as the words left her mouth, Okoye and a few other Dora Milaje soldiers came from the shadows, spooking Imani.

"This isn't over, Shuri," Imani says while she's being rushed out. "You'll come running back!-”

"Oh, for bast's sake," Okoye says, rolling her eyes and pushing Imani out the house. "Make sure she leaves the city," she tells two of the Dora. "I do not want to see her here or anywhere in Wakanda again."

"Yes, General," They say in unison, escorting Imani off of Shuri's property.

Okoye turns around and sees that Shuri's sitting down on the couch. "Shuri, are you alright?"

Shuri nods. "Uh huh."

Okoye sits next to her. "You're crying," she says softly.

Shuri doesn't make any effort to wipe her tears or even hear what Okoye's saying. She's too busy replaying the "conversation" her and Imani just had. She hadn't expected to go off like that. She knew she was angry but she didn't realize she was that angry. Her words, her voice, her tone. 

"Can you give me a moment alone?" Shuri asks Okoye and Okoye nods once and rubs Shuri's shoulder before leaving the house.

Shuri sat on the couch until the sun went down. She didn't realize she had been staring into space for so long until she felt her eyes getting heavy. She gets up slowly and drags herself to her bed, falling into it once she's close enough. She holds her legs against her chest and continues staring into space.

Riri paces herself in her head. Stop acting like a pussy and just knock, she says in her head. She takes a deep breath and knocks on the door. It opens slowly.

"Riri?" Shuri opens the door completely. "What're you doing here?" Shuri looks…like hell. Her voice came off so quiet Riri had barely heard her. There's bags under her eyes and they're red and puffy. She's been crying.

Riri rubs her hand on the back of her neck, "I wanted to talk to you."

"I thought you didn't want anything to do with me," Shuri mumbles. Her tone isn't harsh or anything, it's soft again. Despite Shuri's words, she opens the door fully, stepping out the way to let Riri inside.

Riri walks in slowly and sits down on the couch, Shuri sitting next to her.

"I know what I said to you the last time we saw each other was harsh, Shuri," Riri says after a few minutes of silence. "And I wanna apologize for it."

Shuri tilts her head, "Ri, you don't have to apologize for-" 

Riri shakes her head. "No, I do. I'm assuming you and Imani broke up before you came to see me and instead of understanding where you were coming from, I brushed you off. You didn't deserve that and I know it's no excuse but the only reason I did is because I like you. That's why it hurts me so much when you cut me off."

Shuri pauses. I like you. Like. Not liked. Like. 

"You… you like me?" Shuri says slowly. "Like, present tense, Ri? Like, like like?"

"Yes, like like, Shuri," Riri says smiling.

"Even though I hurt you?"

Riri shrugs. "Everybody makes mistakes. Don't worry about it."

Shuri stays quiet for a few seconds. "So, what now? Are you…my girlfriend?"

Riri turns her full body towards Shuri, looking her in her eyes. "Can I be your girlfriend, Shuri?"

"Yes." Shuri's answer is immediate but she means it. She likes Riri. She's always liked Riri. Riri was easy to talk to, Shuri always found herself at Riri's apartment whenever she and Imani ended up fighting.

"Should we watch a movie?" Riri asks.

Shuri nods. "You can pick, I'ma go freshen up a little bit and get some blankets."

…

It's been four months since Shuri and Riri have started dating. 

Shuri's happier now, way happier. Her mental health since she and Riri have gotten together has slowly improved. It's taken some time but when Shuri finally opened up to Riri about what she went through while dating Imani, Riri almost booked a flight to LA just to find her. Shuri had to beg her not to because she knew how that would end and she didn't need her new girlfriend ending up in jail because of her ex.

"Mama, can you come here for a minute please?"

Shuri pauses the TV and walks over to Riri, who's in the kitchen. "Yes?"

"I want you to try something for me." Riri puts a plate of food in front of Shuri as she sits down on the bar stool next to the counter. Shuri's confused at first, she doesn't know what the dish is, but before she can ask the question, Riri speaks up, "It's ground beef and rice. You told me you'd never actually had it before so I decided to make it for you."

Shuri smiles at the fact that Riri remembers. She takes a small bite at first then a bigger one. "This is good, Ri," she says with her mouth slightly full. "Like, really fucking good." Riri covers her hand over her mouth to hide her smile but Shuri can still see it from the way her cheeks go up.

Shuri finishes her plate in a matter of seconds. Riri had been making meals for Shuri ever since she found out she had barely been eating and despite eating being difficult, Shuri finished her food every. single. time. 

"You like it?" Riri says, still smiling, "Like, you really like it?"

"Yes, Ri. It's so good." While Shuri goes to put her plate in the sink, she kisses Riri on her forehead. "You should definitely open that restaurant you've been talking about."

Riri chuckles and sits on the counter. "I want to, but to open a restaurant, first, I need money. Then, I need a vacant lot, and then I need employees and-"

"Baby, I have money. I have people and friends who can work for you."

Riri shakes her head, "No, no, I wanna make it there on my own, and I'd love your help but I don't want the foundation of my restaurant to be you cause then I'm gonna feel like I owe you for the rest of my life."

"I get it, Ri. I want to help you, I do, but since you wanna make it on your own, I'll let you and when you do make it on your own, I will be there with you."

[ireallydontcare-love]

I get sad being around myself.

[wild-saber1337]

MARKING YOUR THINGS (Artist: Dr_Mice_)

(Translation from artist)

🦺：This is for you

：Use It to mark things so they don't get mixed up

n3:Why do I have to mark things？

🦺：To distinguish personal items

n3:Why do we need to distinguish personal items ？

🦺：Because we need privacy

n3:Why...

🦺：I'll explain later

🦺：（Brushing teeth）

🦺：Don't Mark My Body

n3:Why

🦺：Because we need privacy

n3:Why do…

🦺：It's hard to clean

n3:sorry

[trinitysani]

im not in a good place mentally

[bananowa-poezja]

leki

chciałam pomocy

na cały etat

niestety

w aptece

tego nie sprzedają.

[snehasreesblr]

How could someone's life got this sync up unintentionally ...

After finishing just got up and hug my maa ,

Thank you

[huntthewerewolf]

The Cut

A blade in one hand.

Your dark thoughts scrambling in your head

The cold metal against your skin.

With just enough force you can slide it across.

With no care in the world.

Dripping blood.

The pain an escape.

The scares on your body.

There to remember what you did.

As you keep silent to the world.

With a cold blade in one hand

And your blood in the other.