Remembering her Faith and Love
One year ago today, (though to me feels like yesterday) was the last time I saw my grandmother. I had been visiting the area because we lost another family member, and with that reminder of our morality, I strove to spend every available moment with her. She had grown weak. The last 8 years carrying Wegener’s disease, had taken a toll on her.
Though she had already been fighting an illness, a couple years ago it had progressed so much that we took her in. She was so weak and in so much pain, that at one point of time, she could not even get out of her bed alone. At the time, we were not sure what she had. We took her to specialist after specialist, each one unsure, prescribed us some medication to help to pain, and referred us to another. In that season, is where she taught me what it is to have faith.
Being my grandmother, she has been there for me since day one, and the reason i am where i am. I dont know where i would be without her. She took care of me as a baby, and when my family moved away, i would come back every summer to see her. Growing up, and even until this last winter, i would be faced with problems, and want to give up, to end it or run away… but sometimes the only thing that kept me going, was that i knew, if i held on just a little bit longer, i would be able to visit her again. She always had a way of making my problems go away, and it didnt matter that she mainly spoke spanish and i spoke english, because love is not bound to a spoken language. Love is universal. Thats another thing she taught me.
Sitting there, watching her stuck in bed, i saw the most amazing display of faith and worship. She had constant pain in her head, her lip had gone numb, her eye had problems so she wore an eyepatch, her teeth were falling out, she had several hard cough attacks everyday sometimes within an hour, she was dependant on a feeding tube and she could hardly talk. yet despite all that, EVERY morning, she would watch the daily mass and any preachers they would show. EVERY day she read her bible and kept up with the daily scriptures. EVERY night she would pray the rosary, and pray over us. As, i watched her, NEVER ONCE did i see her blame God for her pain, NEVER ONCE did i see her question Him. She trusted Him, She held onto a hope that things would get better.
//I hope to have that type of Faith one day//
For a while, things did get better, after about a year, she regained strength and although still in pain, she decided she was ready to move nack to her home. And she did, she missed her home, watering and tending her plants. Here, in this season, is where she taught me what it is to have love.
See, she was not fully healed, she still had cough attacks every so often, she was a little weak, she was limited on what she could eat, her lip was still numb so she had trouble speaking, she still had constant pain and she needed a walker to get around. Yet everyday, she would get up early, clean, and cook before my grandpa got up. She would go out and water her plants before the sun got hot and then come in to watch the mass. EVERY day she continued to pray and read her bible. Though he never really intend to cause her more pain, my grandpa would not consider her illness. He expected her to cook and clean like before (and she did her best to). He would ask her to go with him walking and even though she didnt want to because her pain was hard, she would still go for him. He didnt care. NEVER did i see her get angry with him, yell at him, or hold ANYTHING against him. NEVER did i see her mutter under her breath when she asked him for help and he refused. Yes, sometimes she’d go into her room and cry but she never held a grudge. Despite her pain, everyday she would get up, thank God for the day and put others’ needs above her own.
//I hope to have that type of Love one day//
i saw her in the midst of her pain, have so much faith and love that it amazed me. i stood in awe as i watched her make it a point every sunday to show up to church, because honestly, sometimes i dont show up to church out of laziness. its so easy to make up an excuse, and here, if anyone could have an excuse not to go to church, it would be her. yet there she went with her walker, up the stairs to the church. she would even attend a small group.
So one year ago today, i sat in the living room with her, just listeming to her talk & tell stories of when she was young. Though she was still getting around, i could see a certain weariness in her eyes that I hadn’t before. I could tell she was getting tired of living in so much pain. So I sat, eyes watery, because I knew this would be my last day here and then I would have to make the long trip back to my parents house. We talked, and laughed and eventually it got late, and I had to leave, so I got up to say goodbye and she didnt something I do not remember her doing before. She took me and she prayed a blessing over me and my future. I tried to hold back the tears as she prayed, I thanked her when she finished, but when I got in the car and started to pull away, I couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. That was the last time I saw her and 3months later, she left.
Yeah, I will admit, I feel so robbed of time with her. My mom and I have a weird relationship. Its not in my mom’s personality to talk things out, and a few other reasons make my relationship with her awkward in the way that I can’t run to her with my problems. My grandma made up for that… and now she is gone. she was supposed to be there on my eighteenth birthday…. and she was supposed to be there for me when I bring a guy home to meet my parents… she was supposed to be there when I get married…. But enough of my selfish reasons
Now she is FREE of pain. Now she is in PARADISE with Jesus..
and one day, I’ll see her again, and wrap my arms around her, tell her I missed her. Tell her all about what I have done, tell her how much I learned from her and maybe even introduce her to my husband & my kids.
So while I could be mad at God for taking her so soon, I choose to thank Him. I am SO blessed to have been old enough, and wise enough to learn from her before she left. I am so blessed to have seen such and amazing woman of faith. To see her strong hope, and unconditional love. How she was not shaken through such a hard storm. I pray to one day have the faith, love and complete trust in God that she did. I am so blessed to learn from her, and more so, I am blessed to call her my grandma. ♥