#pasayema

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:iknályu pá-nóungu starts tomorrow, 1N1 (1st nóungu 1). A time of reaping the benefits of hard work, a time of rest and recovery, a time for feasting and laughter and general debauchery.

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Contemplation after 3 years of service

It’s been just over three years on this path. I remember the moment rather clearly.  I was lying in the couch, wrapped up in the aching depression and consuming anxiety when all of a sudden I sat up.  “Maybe she’s seven,” I thought. Not too long after that I realized that who I thought I was worshiping was not who I thought it was. And that’s where this all started.  It’s funny that I came upon…

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My path is greatly changing. It is already so far from what it once was, and it threatens to move father yet. I don’t know if this blog will survive the change. I don’t know if the online shrine will survive the change. I just know that I will not survive the change as I am now. My focus must be drawn inward. So I will leave you now until a time that a decision on the future of this blog can be…

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The first image I have of the Nameless is that of the Broken God. The god that tore themselves apart to take responsibility for unintended consequences that came from an action rooted in love. A god who has been broken, as I am broken, but found the strength to put themselves back together. That is the version of the Nameless that resides in my heart. That is the versions who holds my hand and…

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Lesson; Wild Priest:

Contemplation In a World of Action  by Thomas Merton: "...in any vocation at all, we must distinguish the grace of the call itself and the preliminary image of ourselves which we spontaneously and almost unconsciously assume to represent the truth of our calling. Sooner or later this image must be destroyed and give place to the concrete reality of the vocation AS lived in the actual mysterious plan of God, which necessarily contains many elements we could never have foreseen. This “sitting in the cell” means learning the fatuity and hollowness of this illusory image, which was nevertheless necessary from a human point of view and played a certain part in getting us into the desert."

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I was given quite the experience this morning. I woke up briefly and could have sworn I heard God laughing- a deep belly laugh full of joy. Then I fell back asleep to continue dreaming about God. That's a lot better than the nightmares I had about priesthood the night before. I don't know what was happening in the dream, just that I woke up in panic and fear thinking "I'm a priest".

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Sitting in a darkened room with nothing but the glow of the computer, I realize- I love you, I love you, I love you. I thought you had left me, empty and bare- my actions based on habit. All the while I was preaching how if you want to get close to God, you must foster that bond, feed that flame. My own advice I tossed aside. Why? Why? Why? I questioned myself with every exhaled breath. But now I realize- You were with me the whole time; your gentle love waiting in the wings while my thoughts took the show. And if I only let you, you'll gladly take center stage and I can rest my heart in your peace once more.

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I finally [second draft] finished a project I’ve been working on. It has epithets of the Nameless on the left and a prayer on the right. The prayer is almost entirely in English because I don’t have enough of the words in the prayer in :āšlān to translate it properly [such is why this is a second draft and not a finished project]. I realized I didn’t size properly when I did the prayer; pieces of…

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