Merlin Memory Month: Day 2/Path 2 - Favorite Hurt/Comfort
Can also read on Ao3: Only You Ao3
Arthur sat on the couch and stared despondently out the window.
When he had first emerged, wet and tired, from the waters of Lake Avalon he had been happy just to be alive again—to have escaped the dark void that had imprisoned him for centuries. Merlin had been ecstatic just to have him returned, he no longer had to walk this world alone, while everyone he knew and loved died around him.
For the first two weeks their mutual joy was enough to sustain them. Even as Arthur learned of Camelot’s fate—the fate of his friends and family—and adjusted to the 21st century he was always able to find peace in Merlin’s company. Just having Merlin here was a balm to his soul, Merlin gave him the strength to carry on in this new world.
However, as the two settled into their new routine and learned to live with one another again the careful facade of the honeymoon stage began to crumble.
They nitpicked at each other like usual, which was normal and to be expected. Arthur would get frustrated at the world around him, understandably so in his opinion, and lose his temper. Oftentimes, Merlin would lose his temper too. He was still Merlin’s King, but Merlin hadn’t been his man-servant in over a Millenia… so needless to say, they were adjusting.
Arthur had also found that in this new age, with its new rules and responsibilities—or lack thereof— he was now free to indulge his Merlin fascination, and so he did. Which even he could admit was probably not helping the situation, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. In his previous life he had always done the right thing, the proper thing, just as a King should, and look where that had gotten him.
So he let himself be selfish about this one thing. He let touches linger, when in the past he would have pulled back. Gave himself permission to watch Merlin whenever he liked instead of looking away. What did it matter? Outside of Merlin himself there was no one around anymore to hide from or impress, no one who cared what he did, so he let himself pay attention to whatever he liked. And what he liked, was Merlin
Which is why he knew Merlin was hiding something from him… again.
Sure, he hadn’t noticed Merlin’s magic in the past as he should have—he wasn’t as unobservant as Merlin seemed to think he was—but to be fair, back then he had made a point to not notice things about Merlin because he already noticed too much. Like how the sun accentuated his cheekbones when he was cleaning Arthur’s armor, or how his hips swayed enticingly when they went riding, or how his trousers would pull taught across his lush backside every time he leaned over to gather firewood.
No, Arthur had been too busy not watching Merlin to notice he was a Sorcerer. He understood why Merlin had hidden the truth from him, and on some days, he was even glad he had, but this life was a second chance for them both. A chance for them to bury the mistakes of their past back in Camelot and move on, or so he had thought.
‘How can we move forward together if he still doesn’t trust me?’ Arthur thought glumly. ‘What is he hiding now—’
His thoughts were interrupted as the front door slammed open, admitting a stumbling Merlin into the apartment laden down with shopping bags. Arthur got up silently to help him bring the groceries into the house, plastering a smile onto his face as he teased Merlin.
“You look like a pack mule,” he told him grabbing a bag as it slipped from Merlin’s grasp. “You know it is ok to make more than one trip… Or, I don’t know, let someone know you need help.”
Arthur couldn’t help the trace of irritation that slipped out at the end, causing Merlin to look at him funny as he walked to the counter and plopped the bags down with a groan.
“Ha. Ha,” he countered. “I got it all in just fine, so what’s the problem?
“You’re not alone, that’s the problem!” Arthur snapped under his breath.
Arthur instantly regretted his words. Merlin had been alone though, for centuries.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I know this is weird for you too,” he apologized.
In his current mood it was better to shut his mouth before he said anything else he might regret. Instead he gave Merlin a small smile and silently started putting the groceries away. He didn’t know if it was shock or anger that stilled Merlin’s usual chatter, but they continued on in silence. Arthur pointedly ignored the furtive glances Merlin was sending his way, grabbing a cold beer from the fridge once all the groceries had been put away before plopping back down on the couch again.
He heard Merlin sigh behind him before the couch dipped suddenly. He continued to stare ahead, as he took a deep drink from the bottle in his hand. He didn’t want to fight with Merlin, but he wasn’t in the mood to pretend he was happy either.
He was hurt by Merlin’s lack of trust in him, he could understand it, but it still hurt. There was also guilt, for everything Merlin had endured while he was gone, while he had been waiting—for him. Maybe Arthur didn’t deserve Merlin’s trust after everything his friend had already given up for him.
“Ok Arthur, what’s wrong?” Merlin’s blunt question interrupted Arthur from his thoughts, startling him enough to look over at Merlin.
Merlin’s face was so expressive. There was concern, and confusion mixed with sorrow and something else Arthur couldn’t quite pin down.
“Seriously Arthur, talk to me,” Merlin demanded. “I can’t help you if don’t talk to me!”
“What about you?” Arthur countered.
“What—”
“Do you trust me?” Arthur interrupted, watching as shock replaced the confused look on Merlin’s face.
“Of course I trust you!” Merlin retorted. “What kind of question is that?”
“Really? Then why are you lying to me again?”
“I’m not—”
“And don’t tell me you aren’t lying to me,” Arthur yelled over him. “A lie of omission is still lying! I know you are hiding something from me Merlin. Why? I thought we were past all the secrets and the lies—”
Arthur cut himself off abruptly as shock coursed through his veins. He hadn’t meant to say all that… it had just come out. What had happened to him, he used to be so much better at controlling himself than this. Why did Merlin have this effect on him, damn it?
“What the hell Arthur?” Merlin hissed. “Why the fuck do you think I’m lying to you? Where in the hell is this all coming from anyways? If anything, it sounds like you don’t trust me!”
Arthur groaned, dropping his face into his hands, hiding from Merlin’s hurt and angry gaze. God, he just had to open his big, fat mouth. Now he was going to have to talk about it… there was no getting out of it. But he had hurt Merlin, and that was even worse, he owed Merlin an explanation at least.
“You keep pulling away from me,” Arthur mumbled into his hands.
“What?”
Genuine confusion dampened the anger in Merlin’s voice, prompting Arthur to turn his head and look at him.
“You keep shutting yourself off,” Arthur tried to explain. “We’ll be together, and everything will be going fine, and then you will pull away, shut down, or make some lame excuse and run off.”
“Oh,” Merlin managed before Arthur plowed on.
“I mean, at first I just thought it was about getting used to having someone around all the time again, or at least someone who knows the real you. And I was trying to give you space—time to adjust, you know? But instead of things getting better, they keep getting worse. You keep disappearing and running off… just like you used to when you were hiding your magic from me.”
Arthur paused, taking a deep breath. His stomach clenched sharply when he noticed the tears in Merlin’s eyes, the shattered look on his face.
Please Merlin, if you trust me then just be honest with me. Please,” Arthur pleaded.
“Trust me Arthur, you don’t want to know this,” Merlin stammered out.
“I want to know everything Merlin,” Arthur argued. “No more secrets.”
Merlin looked away and took a deep shuddering breath before whispering, “I love you Arthur. That’s it. That’s my big secret. But I know you don’t love me and that’s ok. We can get through this and—”
“I love you too Merlin,” he interrupted. “But that doesn’t explain why you’ve been acting so weird! What does loving me, or me loving you for that matter, have to do with you hiding something from me?”
“No, you don’t understand,” Merlin choked out. “I don’t just love you Arthur, I’m in love with you.”
Happiness filled Arthur, he felt light and numb at the same time. Merlin had said he loved him, that he was in love with him. He could have him—have this!
“Arthur, say something please,” Merlin pleaded as he lost the fight with his emotions and started crying.
Merlin was crying, sobbing even, why was Merlin sobbing. He shouldn’t be sobbing when Arthur was this happy, that’s not how their world worked. They were two sides of the same coin. Merlin’s sadness was Arthur’s sadness…Arthur’s happiness, Merlin’s happiness and vice versa. The thought broke Arthur from his trance and he lunged forward, wrapping Merlin up in his arms and pulling him close. Wanted nothing more than to comfort Merlin and make everything better.
Merlin gave a startled squeak and looked at Arthur for the first time. His wracking sobs gave way to quieter gasps when he saw the joy on Arthur’s face, the tears slowing to a trickle before they stopped completely. Arthur gave him a few minutes to calm down, rubbing his back softly and petting a hand lightly through his silky hair. When he felt Merlin grown heavy and relax into his arms he spoke up again, saying the words that would change things between them forever.
