I just recently figured out the cause of my problem meditating and doing any form of pathworking. Let me tell you my basic problem first before the backstory.
I have a weird fear of meditating and doing meditations as well as doing pathworking style meditations. Every time I try to do a pathworking or a meditation it starts out good then I extremely and rather quickly pull myself back to reality. I know that isn't the best thing to do when you do such things, especially in pathworking, but it seems to be an automatic trigger I can't control.
Don't get me wrong, I have a great and extremely vivid imagination where I use all my senses on instinct when I think of something like an apple. As I type this I can feel the imaginary apple in my hands, the texture, feel. I can smell it and I can imagine myself eating it and experiencing the taste, feel in my mouth and the sound of the crunching of me eating it. And I can see it in my minds eye very clearly. And I have no problem tuning out the world and just zoning out and letting my imagination run rampant when I daydream. So one would thing that me having a problem pathworking and meditating would and should be non-existent.
So here comes the back story.
When I was going though therapy a long time ago, the group I was in was trying to learn relaxation techniques for our anxiety problems. I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder aka Worry Wort Syndrome according to my family. Anywho, the instructor asked us to do a mediation like pathworking where we were suppose to go to the one place we always wanted to go and explore. So I thought, cool and followed the pathworking/meditation exercise.
Well I always wanted to explore a black hole in space. BIG MISTAKE ON MY CHOISE OF A PLACE I WANTED TO VISIT!!!
Everything was going good, I felt the energy, the heat of the incretion disk, the rush of the disks winds spiraling past me like a hurricane, the sights, sounds, smells, and touch was amazing. I loved it.
Until...
I started feeling and experiencing the gravity of the black hole pulling me into it. The best way I can describe it was a strong pull of an undertow at sea. I tried to remove myself from the pull of the black hole but I couldn't escape. I clearly experienced being pulled into the gravity well into the black hole. And I would of been completely sucked in till the therapist told us to slowly return to reality. I tried, I deeply and full heartedly tried, but mentally in that pathworking I was getting sucked into the maw of the black hole. So I did the one thing a person doing a pathworking should do is jump back into reality.
When I did I fell onto the floor on my hands and knees, shaking like hell and sweating profusely in a icy cold sweat. I was in tears and looking around and touching any sold think I could, thinking to myself and mentally repeating to myself, I'm alive, thank god I'm alive.
The staff was almost about to call 911 to take me to the hospital that is how messed up I was from that meditation the group therapist gave the group. When asked what happened I told the therapist and the instructor of the meditation/pathworking what happened and they understood why I was acting the way I was.
And it wasn't a few years later when I started to take my path into the occult, paganism and witchcraft more seriously. When I heard about pathworking I thought I would try, but every time I would do so I quickly backed out of the meditation, feeling that I can't do it. Until recently I figured out why I can't and I am guessing that the pathworking/meditation experienced I and in that anxiety therapy group must of been the source of my problem.
So I still want to try pathworking and all, but in a way where I feel I am in control and at least semi aware of my surroundings for my own mental safety. I was thinking that maybe daydreaming would work because I can go from the daydream back to reality without any problems.
Because honesty I feel if I kept with that meditation/pathworking the experience of that black hole and got sucked into it during that meditation/pathworking session then I might have gone catatonic. Or worst, comatose.
And I don't want that to happen to me or anyone else. So any suggestions on what I should do?
Hey pookie, thanks for sending this in!
Yeah, it definitely sounds like that first time with the pathworking/meditation did a number on you and I'm sorry to hear that you went through all of that D: It sounds like your body remembers that feeling of blackhole-ness and is trying to stop you from doing so again in order to protect you.
My advice would be to try starting with creating a 'house' or 'base' space and really getting the feel for what it's like in that space. Something that helps me is using videogames to help visualize the concepts first (Minecraft is my go to for the freeform-ness) Once you get the feel for your 'home' then you can build it a little further from there and 'explore' the area around it. (again minecraft helps me with this as I can actively explore the area and then help commit it to memory. but if you're better at experiencing things without the excess feel free to do what feels better) Here's a link to more on Mindspaces and more on Astral Travel I might also suggest checking out Hedgewitch stuff too
All in all: Don't push yourself too hard too fast to get back into it. Take small steps and listen to your body to make sure you stay safe as you practice!
