Endings and Beginnings, Part 4:
That night, I cut myself for the first time in years. It felt good even though I knew it was wrong. My mind was just spinning with the mess my life had become. I couldn't concentrate long enough to sort it all out. I was ashamed but the cutting helped. So did the tears I shed along with the blood. I fell asleep on the floor again, this time with dried tears and blood on my face and hands
I woke up feeling like I'd drank my fill of vodka last night. In truth though, I'd cut too deeply and bled too much. It's been 3 weeks since Dan betrayed me. I talked to a lawyer and can sue over the false signature issue. It's just a matter of worth to me. Do I want to take this to court? Do I want to waste money on a lawyer I don't have? I thought over it a lot and decided, no. I'd rather save my money and get the hell out of town. I don't want to be near them nor anyone we knew.
I need to pull myself together. I realize I'm falling apart and my depression and cutting have really started to dampen my joy and my desire to help others. My work means everything to me but I just can't muster the passion for it right now. I've been here before and I hated it. I hate it now but I can't seem to find the spark I need to reignite myself. I'm still sleeping at the shop, I used my income to buy essentials and I also opened a new bank account, just savings this time. When my lease is up, I'm gone. I really hate these feelings and knowing the truth and reality of it logically but still not being able to pull myself out of the dark place in my head that tells me how pathetic I am, how worthless, how ugly, and how life would be best if I disappeared. I decided I need to get out of my head before the shop opened, so I dress and go for a walk. As I walk along looking at the store fronts a picture captures my attention. I walk up to the window and read the quote on it. My heart sped up and I read it over and over again.
I don't know why it spoke to my soul, but it did. I needed to buy this picture. I went into the shop and bought it. I hugged it close to me as I walked back to my shop. When I got inside I put it up on the wall above my counter where I could always see it.
That night, I didn't cut. I found the strength to ignore the need that clawed at me. I had to put my hands under me to stop myself...but I did. I do really good over the next month. Then, the crash came. I saw Dan and Sheila at a restaurant being all lovey dovey. I ran back to my shop and went right to my razor. I shook with the need to cut my leg. The razor, at my thigh, ready to give me that glorious release. "NO!" I yelled and threw the razor away. I pulled my pants up and left the shop. I locked the door and ran down the street.
I don't know how long I ran, I just know when I stopped I was breathless and out of tears. I looked around me and didn't recognize the street. There was a light on in one of the stores though and I went in. I hoped to get a drink but what I found was even better. "Namaste and welcome to The Yoga Spot. May I help you?" I looked at the older lady and shook my head. I told her I didn't realize where I was and apologized, ready to head out when she stopped me. "My name is Cindy and I think you are in the right spot."
<<<TBC>>>