I was just rewatching the scene with John and the undercover Peaky at the Russian party and when John pats his cheek I’m like 99% certain he pushes his face into the door??
Warnings/notes: A bit of angst maybe? Idk hahah. This is something I had lying around in my drafts. I haven’t been able to do any requests today because I’ve been busy with my family, and I’ve also had a migraine sooo yeah, this is the best I can do today xD Not read through, but I hope you like it xx
Wordcount: 1982
Summary: A letter to John.
I remember the first time I looked into your eyes and felt my entire world flip, the first time I saw you smile, and knew that I was in trouble.
I had been across the room, tangled up in my own imagination, when came up to me. By the time you had said hello, we had already spent a lifetime together, and from the moment we started talking I knew that I wanted you around.
I knew right away that you were it for me. There were no reservations or second thoughts, I saw you and in an instant knew in my bones, my soul had known your soul lifetimes ago.
I had never experienced such a true and genuine state of happiness until I met you. Every day, I woke up with a smile on my lips, wondering what trouble you were going to get us into today.
I was there for all of it, the countless of scoldings from Arthur, the cuffs around the back of our heads from Pol and running from the coppers whenever you thought it wise to steal me a bouquet of flowers from old Anderson’s flower shop.
It’s those memories I treasure the most. The times we would go on midnight walks, kiss under the starry sky or in front of the fire, and wake up in each other’s arms would leave my chest and stomach fluttering with butterflies, too.
But it was when you were up to no good that you were truly yourself. Truly free. If only you knew how much those little moments with you mattered to me, how treasured they are.
It’s two in the morning when I write this. I can’t sleep, because I miss you so much. I miss you so much it physically pains me, just like I did last night, and just like I will tomorrow when I wake up without you. Again.
Polly, your brothers, and the kids help me through it. God, you should see them, John. They’re growing so much, so fast, and they look more and more like you for every day that passes.
Every time I look into their eyes, it both pains me and makes me feel all warm inside. They’ve got your eyes, all of them. Your deep, sparkling Shelby blue eyes. The very same ones I fell for.
They miss you, too, but they’re doing good. Better than me, at least. I guess it’s because they’re not really old enough to know what’s going on.
Katie and Harry understand the situation for what it is, but they’re still too young to really be able to grasp the seriousness of it. And Isabelle, Mia, Eric, Noah and Nick don’t understand it at all.
They don’t understand why you’re not coming home at night, why you’re not there to help them get ready in the mornings.
And even though I know it’s wrong of me to keep them in the dark, I can’t bring myself to tell them the truth when they come home from school every day with notes and drawings for you. It would break their little hearts and I can’t bear the thought of them feeling like this.
Katie and Harry write you letters, to back up my lies and make them more believable for the others, and all of it has just been piling up at the back of the wardrobe, stored away behind your clothes behind the loose wooden panel where you used to hide the cigars you told me you quit countless of times.
I bet you didn’t know I knew about that, huh?
The truth is, I always knew. I could smell it on your clothes and hands every night when you came home, no matter how much you tried to hide it with soap and cologne. That, and Harry came and told me the second he had caught you and you had made him promise not to tell me.
He truly is a mommy’s boy at heart. I always tried telling you.
But Katie was your girl. Everyone misses you, but she’s taken it the hardest.
I gave her the locket you gave me for our two year anniversary. The one with the picture of you and me on our wedding day. The only time she takes it off is when she sleeps, but even then, she never lets go of it.
She stopped wetting the bed, though, and she’s doing great in school. Harry, Isabelle, Mia, and Eric are, too, and all of them like math the best, just like you did.
Nick just learned how to write his name. He writes the ‘K’ backward, but he still learned earlier than the others. I’ve been teaching him a few short words myself, and I’ve started to teach Finn how to read.
He misses you really much. He blames himself. I don’t know why. He had nothing to do with what happened. But then again, I guess there’s no logic in grief.
He’s grown up a lot, both mentally and physically. He’s taller than all of your brothers now, and he’s added some muscle by boxing. But he’s still the same, sweet boy he was when you left.
He tries to be hard, though. He drinks, smokes, fights, takes drugs, and he’s been seeing prostitutes and taking on a much bigger part in the Peaky Blinders.
God, he tries so hard to be you. But every time he even comes close, he breaks down again, and every time that happens, he comes here.
He’s been staying over at our house more often than he’s home this past year, but I’m not complaining. He helps out around the house, keeps his cousins happy and occupied while I get the things I need to do done, and in return, he gives me something else to think about.
Polly says he feels your presence through me and the kids. She tells me they all do.
They’ve all been coming around for dinner every Sunday, and I have to sit in your chair every time. It makes me dizzy because I feel your presence stronger there than anywhere else. But I have no choice because Noah starts crying if anyone else even comes near it.
Those dinners are the only time during the weeks that I’m able to get my thoughts off of you, but it doesn’t last forever.
The minute they’re gone and the kids are asleep, I’m alone again, and being alone was never this hard before I met you.
Ada’s been trying to set me up with other men, but I can’t even bring myself to imagine giving my heart away to someone else.
I know that, when we thought you were going to be hanged for blowing up the train, you said that you wanted me to move on and be happy when you were gone.
I know that was your last request. Your dying wish. But I just can’t honor it.
When it comes down to it, you’re the only one I want. You’re the only one I can imagine myself with. Your hands are the only hands I want to hold, your lips are the only lips I ever want to kiss. You’re the only one I think about when a love song comes on the radio and the very last thought running through my head before I drift off to sleep. You’re the absolute only person I could ever see myself happy with.
I won’t ever be able to move on from you, because no amount of time, distance, nothing could separate us. Because I know that we were right, that we were real, that you’ll be waiting for me among the stars, and that I’ll come to find you again when I’m ready.
I just want to go back. To the time before it was too late.
There were a million things I wanted to say to you, but goodbye was not one of them. But even a million words will not bring you back, and neither will a million tears. I know because I’ve tried and I’ve cried. God knows I’ve cried.
I think of you every night before I fall asleep. The words you said. The way you looked. The things we laughed about, the silent moments we shared. And when I dream, I dream of you. Because it’s about you, it’s always about you.
I wish I could see you one more time, see you come walking through the door, so that I can say goodbye the way that I wanted. But I know that’s impossible because I realize if I got my way, I’d never say goodbye at all.
Today is the three year anniversary of the day that I lost you. And for a time it felt as though my life had ended too.
But the loss of you has taught me many things and now I face each day with hope and happy memories to help me on my way. And even though I’m full of sadness that you’re no longer by my side, your influence still guides me and I still feel you near.
I found a picture of you that I hadn’t seen in a while yesterday. I held it in my hands, lost for a moment in your smile.
It made me cry, but for the first time, not out of sadness. I cried from happiness because I knew that wherever you are now, I know in my heart that you’re still laughing and smiling like it’s your last day alive.
Rather than grieving that what we once had is now gone, I realize how truly lucky I am to have had something that makes saying goodbye this hard, and I smiled through my tears. A genuine smile, as I thanked God for the memories you’ve given us.
What we shared will never die. It lives within my heart, bringing me strength and comfort while we are apart. And I know that we will one day be together again.
I hope that you can see me, see us, and know that you’ll never be forgotten, that we’ll hold on until the day we get to see you again. Because there’s no one like you, John Shelby, and there will never be another that we can love like we did you.
I love you. It will only ever be you. As long as I live, as long as I breathe, with every beat of my heart, I will be yours and yours only, because you’re my forever. Forever my forever.
Yours truly, (Y/N).
You felt the warm, salty tears sting your eyes as you gazed upon the letters engraved into the gray, smooth stone; seventeen letters that built the name of the man who had changed your life forever.
Your legs were aching from having crouched down for so long, but you couldn’t be bothered to care, the violent thudding of your heart and the flurry of thoughts running through your brain pushing away everything else.
When a careful hand clasped down on your shoulder from behind, you flinched, the light touch bringing you back to reality and forcing you to blink the tears of your eyes.
“It’s time to say goodbye, love.” Polly spoke from behind you in a soft, careful tone, giving your shoulder another squeeze.
You swallowed, giving the stone another long look before finally pushing yourself back up into your full height.
Sniffling, you reached down and shakily put the flowers in front of the stone, tucking the letter you had written only hours before behind them to shield it from the rain.
Straightening yourself up, you shook your head. “No. It’s not goodbye. It’ll never be goodbye. It’s simply a ‘see you later’.” You said and finally smiled, because you knew deep in your heart, that you would see him at the other side of the stars.
