#peanutsads

[peanutworm]

Argh

[peanutworm]

I feel like ive been continuously bracing myself this entire year

For personal stuff and global stuff

I am so fucking tense

I want to cry

[peanutworm]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

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Im just gonna ramble about my current emotional state for a min you dont have to pay attention if you dont wanna

A lot of times at work my boss will just randoly scream bc of some bullshit she has to deal with

It always fucki scares me

I alwasy think shes gonna come and scream at me next (she never has i just have anxiety)

I finally got a weekend off this week (two whole days in a row!) bc last couple of weeks its just been one day off then work two then one day off so ive been hella tired and stressed

Today my goal was to just kinda relax and chill with myself, but every room i go into that isnt my own room, my mom comes into and starts talking to me about stuff shes working on

Which is usually just fine!!! I love my mom and i love her work shes awesome and she makes the coolest shit

But today when we were in the livingroom she randomly screamed out of frustration bc of whatever

And now im in bed and i wanna cry bc i just want to feel slightly better but i cant bc i cant go anywhere to be alone and just have a moment of fucking peace ya know???

[peanutworm]

My parents before i came out: *calls me by my nickname “Nan” 99% of the time*

Me: yo friends i have realized i am non-binary and id like to exclusively go by Nan from now on bc my real name hits me weird. (Hits me like theyre callin me by a middle name and im in trouble)

My parents now: “hey *real name*” | “*real name* come here!” | “*real name* i wanna talk to you”

I just... I dont.... like it.... or understand it..... i went like 10 years in a row without them calling me savanna and now every other time they say it and i just feel yucky

[peanutworm]

WARNING: Personal life Ramble ahead

So

Theres this stupid pink chair we have at my house

Weve had it forever

Like a long ass time

I like this chair. Its comfy as fuck. Its big. I can sit criss cross in it and that makes me very happy (because i usually cant do that bc i am very big)

The chair has been downstairs in my sisters old room for a while (There was a flooding incident that made her switch rooms but actually mostly everything was ok)

I asked my mom today if i could have it

And she said no

Because

My sis tried to re-cover the chair but whoever covered it in the first place used a fuck ton of staples for no reason, so she gave up

And mom said none of us can afford to have it re covered and none of us would do it ourselves so we’re just gonna get rid of it

And that has made me inexplicably upset and i dont know why

I feel like im reacting the same way i would to her telling me we cant keep the cat anymore but its just a chair

I dont know why its so important and i wish i did but also wht if its not important and im just overreacting????

I hate my brain and i hate feelings and i just want to go to bed now

[peanutworm]

*Googles “how to NOT upset my mom every goddamn fucking day”*

[peanutworm]

Apparently sometimes you just need to lie in bed and groan for a long long time until the sads go away