#pelvic dysfunction

[trytobesweet]

I am very out of shape.

Earlier I brought my dresser drawers down to the garage to have dad help me with new holes for the new drawer pulls (that came with too short screws and I could've sworn the seller sent me new ones but I have no fucking clue where they are). I was breathing real heavy halfway through bringing them back upstairs and when I finished, my heart rate had spiked to 180-something. It only took about 5-10 minutes to get back under 100bpm, but I was dizzy and hot and my face was red. I don't like this. But I don't know where to start at this point.

In addition, my ears are hurting periodically and I just realized it's probably because of tension in my head/neck because there's no other symptoms of infection or anything. And, my adductors are still like steel cables and I still haven't taken the time to figure out how to gently stretch those either. Underwear is uncomfortable some days because of how tight they are...

I really need to figure something out. But I'm still scared of doing much without supervision because of the hypermobility and not really knowing the difference between good,/productive pain and bad/destructive pain. And we're going to be moving in a few months and I'm going to be nearly useless. 😥

I've known this is something I need to work on for a long time, but today was a very big reminder. If anyone has resources that might help, I'd appreciate it. I'm also being reminded that the most helpful part of PT was usually the sport massage and wet heat treatments because even the supposedly hypermobile informed providers were not educated on autism and got annoyed with how slowly I progressed, though they tried to hide it...

[aberrantmood]

Hopefully not sounding whiny here. Just wanted to vent a bit.

Despite my almost constant sexual thoughts involving fantasies of penetration, I’d be lying if I said any of these fantasies are remotely possible for me at this time in my life.

And that is thanks to: Vaginismus.

It’s so bad, that I can’t insert a tampon. I can’t insert anything. It feels like a brick wall; and even when my gynecologist actually managed to get something in there, it hurt a fuck ton. So much so, that I actually began sweating and couldn’t help but move my body from the sheer agonizing pain.

It pains me to say that this condition makes me miserable every time I think about it. Or every time I masturbate watching a vagina haver get railed, and think: “Damn. Wouldn’t that be a dream, to get dicked down?”

I don’t know how I’d even be able to confront a dom who’s interested in me, strap on user or not, with giant fantasies of fucking me from penetration.

“As much as I yearn for it, as much as the thought makes me incredibly horny, that literally can’t be accomplished until I go through months of pelvic floor therapy.”

A good dom will settle for pleasuring me in other ways, biggest part being clit stimulation. This I know of. Would hopefully still be turned on and have a good, even great, time themselves and want to keep coming back for more.

I also would open up anyway—already do on my google docs BDSM list for any doms interested in engaging with me, that I have it.

It’s incredibly important to be upfront and honest about everything, of course. Even of any sexual insecurities.

But it still, well… deeply upsets me that I have it in the first place; hence, having to talk about it before any sexual scene/activity.

Just wanted to get this off my chest after reading a few NSFW/NSFT posts and fantasizing, before the reminder that I apparently have shit luck when it comes to my vagina.

To any very sexual person out there with vaginismus: You are heard. Loud and very fucking clear. You are not alone. Far from it. You are not being dramatic nor unreasonable; Vaginismus is like a laugh in the face from the universe.

Especially if your biggest fantasies are often something you could play out, could do, if you didn’t have it.