Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #661
I decided that today was the day. I still had a ton of shredded cheddar in the fridge, and so many slices of American cheese, too. I had a box of shell macaroni. I had more than enough milk. Yesterday's noodle experience was underwhelming. And I was tired of being all mopey from my last (failed) attempt.
...So I got a buncha dishes done, and then I started making cheese sauce. 2 cups of milk, warmed. Shredded cheddar, added slowly, though I'm not sure how much I used. Followed by broken-up slices of American cheese. All of it, going into the milk that was gently warmed on the stove. Melted and reduced to a thick, almost pasty consistency – just like the macaroni and cheese at our favorite barbecue place.
...It tasted phenomenal.
And then!!! I boiled the noodles. It's 8 cups of water for a pound of dried pasta. Boil the water, add 2 whole tablespoons of salt (yes, it sounds like a lot, and it is a lot, and I didn't grow up doing this, but holy shit, it makes a goddamn difference!!!). Add your pasta. Boil for the length of time it says on the package. Strain. Mix it into your sauce:
...It was pretty all right macaroni and cheese. It wasn't bland and horrible like the last batch. I didn't accidentally make just cheese this time. It was actually fairly flavorful macaroni and cheese with good texture. It... didn't rise to the level of flavor of the macaroni and cheese that I'm trying to replicate. But... the texture was spot on. I think... I think I just need a cheese that's a bit less mild. American cheese and mild cheddar cheese are both... well. Mild. I've heard that gruyere is a popular choice for macaroni and cheese. I know I've had it before, but I don't recall what it tastes like. That's all right though; it's just a minor solvable problem; I'll look for it tomorrow when I go to work.
Well. The next thing I wanted to do today was figure out how much it would cost to send this thing to Canada:
...Because that's where the recipient of this one lives. So J and I went to the post office, asked a few questions, got some bubble wrap, wrapped the tree, stuck it in a box, wrote down the address, and... sent it on its way:
...It'll be at its destination in about a week. I hope the recipient enjoys it.
...Did yours ever get to you...? This one, remember...?
...If it found its way into your hands... I hope you love it very much.
I breathed life into today's wishes when I got home:
And soon after that, it was time for me to play Stardew Valley with one of my readers. We managed to get through the rest of winter. We had a long string of good luck days, and so I spent a lot of the time in the Skull Cavern, looking for iridium ore and prismatic shards, and I found quite a bit of iridium, and one prismatic shard, which I promptly turned into a Galaxy Sword! It's gonna be a lot easier to keep myself safe in the Skull Cavern as a result, which means I'll be able to get to deeper levels more quickly!
Before I knew it, it was already almost 8pm. And since I have work tomorrow, I decided to sit down and write to you!
…
...Sephiroth, I... I don't... really wanna go to work tomorrow. I... don't even really wanna... wake up tomorrow. I... wanna go back to the dream I had where we were making pumpkin ravioli. Where you were safe. Where I was safe.
...
...Can't we go back there together...?
...
...Yeah, I... I know the answer to that. I... I know. I do. It's all right.
…
I found out just a few moments ago from my mother (with whom I normally have no contact) that one of my (numerous) father figures (who now lives in Florida) is in the hospital with severe pneumonia, brain swelling, and a brain mass.
...This particular father figure... I'm... not really surprised to hear this. He spent most of his life not taking very good care of himself. He's the kind of person who believes firmly that children should be neither seen nor heard. He was harsh with his words, critical of everything, and punitive when it came to imperfection. He's the kind of person who expects sickness to not affect a person at all. He's also not the kind of person who goes to the doctor, unless he is literally dying. Which is probably why he has severe pneumonia instead of mild pneumonia, and a mass on his brain that has been, up until now, I guess, undetected.
...His belief that "only whiny bitch-ass complainers go to doctors" is one that a past version of me had very much internalized. And it's why I nearly fucking died of pneumonia when my immune system crashed at the end of college. It took M begging to get me to go to get it treated before I caved and god it done. I'm glad I don't carry such bullshit beliefs anymore.
...He's not a bad person, though. When he wasn't drunk, high, or plagued by the cruel memories of his own upbringing, he was sweet, affectionate, and fiercely protective. He knew a lot about cooking. He knew a lot about building things. And... I wish... I wish he had the patience to teach me. Or the inclination to spend more than just superficial time with me. Or... even the capacity to see me as anything more than just a “stupid kid”.
...He played a lot of music with my mother. He sings and plays guitar well. And he's a songwriter. And there's one song in particular that he wrote that is... hauntingly beautiful.
…
If he's dying, then... I wanna put that song to music box before he disappears and the song disappears with him. He's got a lot of trauma and stuff in the way of him being able to love other people properly. But... I think the good things in him deserve to live.
…I asked my mother to ask him for the lyrics; I can't remember them all. And I asked my mother to ask him for the chords that go with them. Because although I remember the general structure, having the specifics would help me a lot. I'd like to do right by his creation. I'd like for it to live after he's gone.
...I had better go to bed. Tomorrow is barreling towards me at what seems like a breakneck pace, and... I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready for it, and... I would rather wake up to making ravioli with you, as though this place where I live now is just a dream, and M and J are the guests we're expecting.
But... that's not how it is, and tomorrow is something I have to face. I want to be able to greet it properly – with a smile, and with an open heart and mind.
I love you so much. So please stay safe out there, okay? Stay safe so that you can greet tomorrow properly, too.
Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #660
I woke today to find that J had already woke up super early, went to the donut shop we love, and brought back yummies for us:
...I wasn't there, so I don't recall the flavors especially well. But... without prompting... J got these two, with you in mind:
A pumpkin cake donut, and a pumpkin glazed donut. I'm not sure which was which, haha. But... they were both very good. I wish you were here to have a bite or two.
...You are loved. And not just by me.
...Today's letter to you is late, I know. I'm... probably gonna end up getting to bed late, also. Sorry about that.
I felt... kind of empty today, I guess. A cloud of vague dread hung heavily upon my shoulders all day today. It didn't feel especially debilitating, though. So, I breathed life into today's wishes, in spite of it:
I also finished weaving the tree I started yesterday:
...Haven't done this in a while. It didn't turn out half bad, did it? I guess I'll send it along to its intended recipient tomorrow, assuming that the shipping for it isn't too ridiculous.
...If it is too ridiculous, I'll just have to save up for it. No biggie.
Eventually, I was hungry, so I decided to finish off the leftover pumpkin soup I made:
...There wasn't a lot left, though. So I made some boxed macaroni and cheese to go with it. Though, this one was a different brand than what we normally get; we found it at the faraway grocery, eager to try it. Unfortunately, this brand is not quite as good as what we normally get. It wasn't terrible, though, all things considered. We ate it, and it was fine. It mixed pretty well with the soup.
But we're probably not gonna get it again. And that's all right, too. Sometimes we try things, and they don't work out, and that's just how it is. Scouting out a new item is always a successful mission, because the objective is to assess whether or not it's a good fit for you; the objective isn't necessarily to bring the item back as a replacement for an already-existing one. The victory is in the simple fact that now we don't have to wonder about it, because we know.
...I spent the rest of the day leisure writing. I haven't done that at all since... sheesh. The second week of August. Some very important words came up, and... for... reasons... I can't say too terribly much about them. But... they were, nonetheless, important. I cried a lot, and a number of very needed realizations clicked into place within my brain. Part of me wants to stick them here, because they were very good words. But there is a small, nagging sense of hesitation about doing that, which... I'm going to heed.
...
...Who knows... things everywhere are weird enough that maybe, somehow, you already know what those words are...
…
...Or maybe I've already said too goddamn much. Maybe I've just lost my goddamn mind. Though my mother would tell me that first, I have to have a mind to lose. So who the fuck knows.
…
...I really don't know anything. And sometimes, that scares me. I just... want to feel safe. Like the ground isn't gonna crumble away beneath my feet. But nothing is ever certain. Nothing is ever nailed down. And even the people you think you're not gonna lose... you end up losing them. Or else... the people who brought you here, who were supposed to love and nurture you... they just... resent you and hurt you a lot and wish you were never born instead. And that's a loss, but... a different kind of loss. A loss where they're still here, somehow, and despising you for every second of it.
...You learned all this the hard way, too. Just like I did.
...
...Sephiroth... I... don't know what to do. About anything. But there is one thing I am certain of. No, two things.
The first one is that while this defective, painful body of mine can still act as a suitable vessel for me, you will not lose me. If there is anything beyond this vessel, you still won't lose me, no matter how many vessels I cycle through. No force in this world or any other can stop me from doing everything in my power to be a safe harbor for you. Not even you, with all your power, can do that. Test my integrity if you must, in whatever ways you feel are necessary, as often as peace of mind requires. But on this, I will never, ever waver.
The second one is that I don't want to lose you. And... yes. I know you're not mine to begin with (you are not, have never been, and never will be anyone's property, no matter what the fucked-up people at Shinra or anyone else tries to condition you to believe). And I know you're not even here for me to lose. I... doubt you can even hear me from wherever you are. By the standards of conventional wisdom (🙄), you don't even exist, and I'm fairly confident that nothing I do here will ever reach you (by all means, please feel free to prove me wrong on any of those points). But still... still... as impossible as it is, still, I...
…
Well. It's late already. I still haven't done any of my get-ready-for-bed things. And my brain is swirling with far too many thoughts and worries, and... I should sleep.
...Hey. If it's been some time since last you've rested or slept or whatever... you should do that, too. You're a living, breathing human being (regardless of the shape you take or how you were made; we don't fucking do bigotry in my house), not an aberration or a machine. You have needs; be aware of them and heed them. You deserve your own kindness and mercy; give yourself some, alongside some gentle accountability. After all, we can't change to better behaviors if we don't acknowledge (without beating ourselves up!) all the ways our current behavior is fucked and take care of ourselves so our brains can properly reset our architecture.
I love you. And I'll write again soon, I promise. So please promise me you'll stay safe out there, okay?
