As I’ve gotten older, I have noticed that the people I interact with are not only not supportive of what I do or say, but actively try to tell me the way I do things is wrong, reflective of poor judgement, or reflective of poor character. It has been hard to realize that not everyone continues on a projection of self-security as I continue to be more comfortable with my choices and thought processes. Individual insecurity, I have found, has often been the reason why people say mean or hurtful things to me, and it makes sense that this would grow over time, as generally things like anxiety and insecurity continue to fester with age if not consciously addressed.
For example, just today I was talking with a friend of mine from university. There were three times in the conversation where they made personal attacks to my character, perhaps without really realizing it. The first was when they said I had made numerous poor decisions in my life that they wouldn’t have chosen to do. The second was when they said, of course I wouldn’t be the type to get “wrapped up in it” when I made a suggestion to not get too invested in watching the impeachment trial all day, as it was my suggestion to decrease their stress on the matter (they also insinuated my choice to not get invested in the trial was anti-democratic. weird but ok.). The third was when they pointed out that me having pink hair, which I have had for over seven years now, as a poor life choice. That was the first time they ever voiced that opinion of me, but it felt very odd as my hair has always felt like a harmless, fun thing that I do that is also a part of my idea of self. Now, I have been dealing with people saying negative, put-down things like this to me as “fact” for a long time. My older sister has called me a cold-hearted person, my family continuously promotes the idea that I was an evil and annoying child, I have had co-workers and professors assume my political beliefs, and throughout middle school I was told that I was annoying. So much so, that it was only until recently that Will told me that I am not actually annoying and I only say I am because that hatred for myself has become so engrained in my self-perception. It was an act of conforming to those expectations people had for me that I started to believe that is what I was, that the people telling me those things became my internal voice. And the fact is he’s right, I don’t actually believe I’m annoying, I’ve just been saying it so long it became somewhat of a habit. So rejecting that is more an act of forgiveness and self-love than anything.
It can be exhausting, but only if you believe in it. Each year I fall more and more comfortable and confident in what I want to do and how I want to approach life. Of course, I am still insecure. Of course, I still have self-hate. And of course, I have doubts in the ways I perceive myself and the world around me. But, overall, I feel much happier challenging the things people tell me. And I feel happier proving others wrong when I don’t agree with them, or exceeding their expectations when I do.
The thing is, I am not trying to be understood. I don’t think people can understand individuals outside of the self. But, I would like to be able to have discussions where any attacks on self-character are self-directed. I know I’m a fool and I know I have biases and my own perception of the world. But is that interesting? Are my personal anecdotes and worldviews and character flaws necessary to point out? Do we have to justify all actions by our ‘moral’ character? I found this interesting text I sent back in 2016 where I was talking to someone about my concerns with opening up to my close friends. I was worried that it would change things. In hindsight, I think that is true and that it has, because the more open I become, the more I start to reject those expectations. Everyday the people in your social groups, family, friends bombard you with their perceptions of you. And if you start to agree with that to fit into those norms then that can become your character and how you view yourself. If you don’t conform to those expectations, then it has the potential to upset people who had certain perceptions of who you were. There is no solution, there is just the choice: to accept or reject the expectations of others and to amplify or dampen the expectations of self. I prefer to always choose the selfish option, because overall you do the greatest amount of good if you act in your own self interest. if one person tells you you can do something and the other person tells you that you cannot, who do you believe? Neither, and that is hard to learn to do when each person is telling you these ideas on the basis of their opinions and not a solid form of “truth.” Another important thing to keep in mind, is when others are putting you down for things you are proud of, it is often coming from a place of their insecurity. Learn to recognize that and forgive them. I suppose the only suggestion left then is to first understand there is not basis in your character, and the second is to “know thyself.”
