I gotta say, chums, I am currently very much enjoying learning things about myself that I never had the mental capacity to learn before.
I was in ‘survive’ mode for so long; over the past couple of years I’ve been able to screech the brakes on the frantic forward sprint of ‘get away from the bad’ and slow the fuck down. I’m able to learn how to take care of myself. How to wash my skin, how to care for my teeth, how to clean my home, how to dress myself in a way that doesn’t make me feel gross and wrong; all in ways that feel right for me and weren’t dictated to me as the ABSOLUTE.
I just figured out what colour season looks good on me. (I’m a True Autumn.) And you know what? I’ve been wearing those colours already. Maybe not the fashion I wanted, yet, but I have been able to slowly figure myself out, and feel comfortable doing so, because I have support in being myself.
Found family, people who say “fuck yes! Do that more!” when I show them some crazy nails. “Hell yes! I’ll teach you how to shave! Can I teach you how to fish? I Hate fishing but I’ll do it! I can be like your friend dad!” when I came out to my friend as genderqueer and going on HRT.
I’ve never been in this place before now, a place where I’m allowed to choose for myself what’s right and correct, and told, “Yes you look amazing! I love what you’re doing.”
I’ve never felt this level of acceptance before, both from outside of myself, and from INSIDE. I’m accepting that I’ll never be 130lbs of cute in the same way I was at 18. I’d rather be 230lbs of happy.
