so …… just weighed myself (which i NEVER EVER do) bc i had a bad feeling and clocked the highest weight i have ever been. which my logical side of my brain is screaming does not matter!!!! getting a number down is not worth a relapse!!! but it really put me in my feels and i did have to talk myself down from a panic attack. forced myself to power through a banana for breakfast.
like …. it all makes sense ofc to gain weight as i haven’t been super active as of late, i have definitely been overeating, and im on my period as well, but im struggling with the cyclical, intrusive thoughts. however……
today is beltane, i am going to a beautiful, isolated beach town about an hour south that i haven’t visited in years to see my grandma, and i woke up healthy with a roof over my head. im going to try not to let this crush my good energy for the day. a FULL, NOURISHED woman is an EMPOWERED woman.
if you read this, thank you. im not the type to vent on here but it just really needed to come out. grateful for my space on here and my friends. all good energy going forward today !!! 🌱🌱
I almost feel like I want to wait until the night/day of the season finale to watch everything.
Idk I’m annoyed that this whole thing is triggering me so much.
Like I thought I was better and then that sneak peak brought the anxiety back up.
Idk I hate not being here and not talking to you guys and not being able to be in the fandom like I normally can. I hate that my comfort show is not comforting right now. It makes me so frustrated.
Like why is this affecting me so much? I know I’m not okay but like damn… I really am not okay.
I just want to go back to how I was three weeks ago and I thought I was but I’m clearly not.
Idk guys I feel like I’m disappointing yall or something. Cause a part of me is excited to see this play out because logically I know they’re gonna get back together and I usually live for the character development and angst but I don’t know how to get to a place right now and enjoy that journey like I used to.
This is annoying. I’m annoyed. I’m mad at myself.
I’ll let yall know on Tuesday what the plan is. Maybe talking to my therapist will help 😂
Hey💜 thank you so much for caring to ask. I love and appreciate you tons. And I'm so sorry for the unprompted trauma dump I'm about to pull.
I feel like I shouldn't do this, but I need the cry and I also want to justify myself for being late and inconsistent here lately. I'm gonna get personal and might feel vulnerable and delete it later, but here we go:
June 2024: my life falls apart before my eyes after I lose my job and 2 weeks later, I lose a scholarship to do my master's abroad. I had so much riding on this and it was going to save me from so much to leave where I am now, but it didn't happen.
July 2024: I take everyone's advice and throw myself into a new job "to get out of depression".
August 2024: worst working experience of my life and the most toxic environment I've ever been put in. I try to leave and they start threatening me with the contract I signed because it states that they get to sue me for a lot of money if I break the contract and leave before the period stated in it is over. I'm manipulated and forced to work for them under that threat because I don't have the money to pay.
November 2024: I can't take it anymore and I leave anyway. I get threatened like crazy. My father is very cruel about it. I'm all alone with the powerful owner/boss (who's equivalent to a congressman in the US I think where I am) who wants to ruin my life.
December 2024: I apply again to the scholarship when it opens call. I find out about the adjuster.
January 2025: Luigi. This blog. The shadowban.
Early February 2025: death threats, hate and graphic anon asks about Luigi on both blogs.
Late February 2025: I develop a new anxiety-induced thing where my heart palpitates and my chest tightens like I'm having a heart attack whenever I feel any negative emotion. So now I'm advised not to even cry about it because my chest just gets more painful and it doesn't soothe the pain anymore.
March 2025: I receive an email about how my own country didn't feel like nominating me to the scholarship this year, so now I don't even get to be part of the competition for the thing. And it's most likely that the man I used to work for pulled some strings to make it happen to get his revenge (because I'm a straight A student and they were actually very impressed when I went to put my papers in for the application).
November 2024 — present: constant threats about being taken to court where they will have me pay money I have none of and leave me in debt. People tell me they can't do this to me, but the anxiety can't be helped.
So now I'm jobless, almost moneyless, with way too many mental health issues, living in constant fear of being sued, stuck with my textbook abuser of a father, hopeless, with no scholarship, no job and no plan, and Luigi is still not free.
That's what's going on with me and I am so so tired. I've been seeing psychiatrists for 10 years now, way too much meds, and I'm just so tired.
Any kind wishes you send my way (if you're still here reading this) would be highly appreciated. I am very grateful for you either way. And again very sorry if you had to read through my shit and felt bummed out. I just needed to let it out even if just into the void.
That is why I disappear for days at a time and come back to say life is being rough. Please forgive me for it all, I never mean to be rude and I always wanna be here to talk to everyone.
(If you see this and feel like being mean, please don't. Please.)
When you meet a new person, how bad would it be to be like “hi, wanna tell me everything you hate and like then I’ll tell you about what we have in common” or smt? 😂😭 I wanna make new friends but self-introducing literally turns my stomach from the anxiety GKAKVKA what if the other person hates what I love? 😭 it’d be so awkward… at best…
جماعه I support girls في كل حاجه في الحياه وshe/her وكل حاجه فوق ماتتخيلوا بجد. ولكننننن البنات بجد بجد بجد مع بعض في مكان واحد مش كويسين خالص ومؤذيين جدا. بجد شئ مش مفهوم وشئ صعب التحمل والتعامل معاه
Any person who ever hated on/bullied young child anakin can go rot in hell.
He was a fucking child given a script to read. Fuck you, he was a child you are horrible to hate on him. You are a heartless cunt to ever bully a child. Cheers for coming to my ted talk. I take no criticism whatsoever!
