#personal catharsis

[abstractelysium]

uuuuuugghhhhhhhhhhhhh this is gonna be long I'm sorry in advance -

An Alternate Timeline Headcanon for the Final Episode of Last Twilight

or; There Was A Much Better Way To Handle This And It Wasn't Timeskips: Plotting Out MorkDay Post-Breakup to a Satisfactory Happy Ending

or; I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS THE SECOND TIME IN LESS THAN SIX MONTHS I HAVE TO DO THIS! THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE A FREAKING SERIES!

... *ahem*. Apparently this is my coping strategy.

Disclaimer: I'm keeping the breakup at the end of episode 11, because I actually believe the conflict of it was in character for both of them, and I wanted so badly to see it handled well, and... well, we all know it wasn't.

Let's set some parameters for this. Going into this finale, we needed to sort through three main things (thank you very much @lurkingshan, your post about this is the inspiration and I 100% agree):

Day's trajectory of acceptance in the narrative

ableism in Day's family and the unresolved issues they have

Mork's trauma vs. Day's trauma, aka the reason for the breakup

Before we dive into the plot part, let's go into a little more detail on each.

As many have noted, it is not an unrealistic outcome for Day's disability to have a cure. Day recovering his sight is not outside of the realm of possibility, and doesn't mean he wouldn't still learn from his journey as a disabled man. And I don't want to slight anyone's real-life experiences at all. But, given that so much of the framework of this show was about Day growing towards acceptance and agency, being able to live his life the way he chose while still being a disabled man... in our version, Day will not be getting his sight back. I wouldn't have minded if they left it as a "maybe someday" hope-for-the-future thing, but to me, in terms of narrative function, the central message of the story was largely undercut in the last 15 minutes. This is about what will best serve the narrative; so, Day stays blind.

In terms of ableism in Day's family, especially the way Day's mom got off the hook for her treatment of him... I have to admit, I'm not going to completely fix or solve that in the finale. We'd have to go back further (episode 10/11 at least) to truly address her wrongs to my satisfaction. So why not do that, go back and fix this issue from its starting point? ...I'm tired, y'all. We're going to do what we can given the parameters I set myself: one episode. It might not be enough, but let's try. (I will be retconning at least a little of the moment immediately following the breakup, so there's that.)

And as for the breakup itself... I just want to give a little clarity on why I think it works. In episode 11, there was some focus on the caregiver vs. boyfriend issue - Day bored and alone, Mork working but worried; a need for growth beyond existing patterns in order for Mork and Day to make it, the proving ground for their success as a couple. But given all that, I see their fight and breakup as competing trauma responses from two well-meaning people. We understand Mork's choice not to take the job in Hawaii based on his feeling that he failed Rung in the past - despite his reluctance to share that with Day until forced to by their fight. And I understand Day's choice too, as 1) a person who holds his anger unnecessarily long (see: Night) and 2) as a stubborn young man who hates being pitied, because it denies him a say in his own life and the lives of others, especially and most hurtfully in the context of his own family, the people who are supposed to understand him best. Was Mork's choice made out of pity? No, I don't think so. But I believe Day would interpret it that way, and I believe he would feel like a breakup was the best option in the moment.

SO! With all of that in mind... let's fix episode 12.

Part 1/4

We open in the immediate aftermath of the breakup. Mork has just left, and I want to linger on Day's line "Did I make the right decision?". (I think it shows some good growth for Day that he questions himself in the immediate moment following, considering that he has been known to hold a grudge far too long without looking back.) Night wants to understand why Day would go to that length, and wants to defend Mork. Mhon probably says something about how she feared this might happen, that sometimes love makes you make difficult decisions. Day gets to lose his cool at them both here, particularly Mhon. "I can't tell between love and pity anymore, Mom!" Day says he's just so tired of being pitied by everyone, and not being allowed to have a say in his own life, including in his family. He brings up the lengths Mhon went to to keep him and Mork apart, and the way they've rarely treated him as normal or capable since he lost his sight. Mhon will be somewhat ashamed about this, and probably break down. Night, meanwhile, can gently express that he just wants Day to be happy with his choice, and now Day can wonder if he truly is.

Meanwhile, a miserable Mork has Phorjai over to help him pack. He's going over the details with her: he's taking the job in Hawaii, his flight leaves in four days, and he'll be on a six month work visa. Phorjai will ask him how he's feeling, and he gets to be honest with her. He doesn't understand Day's choice, but he wants to respect his decision. She says the job will be good for him, and he agrees, even if he's sad now. They end up talking about Rung, and Mork gets to break down about it, about how miserable he feels, like he's failed all over again, despite his best intentions. (This would be the first time since the flashbacks we have seen Mork get to actually process his grief so this is very important!)

A couple days later, Night takes Day to the university. Day has a cane in hand and is ready to re-enroll, and Mhon doesn't want to stand in his way. We return to the same professor from episode three (!), who is happy Day is back, and ready to discuss how they will be accommodating him. Day goes over the courses he wants to take, and there's one that the professor has hesitations about, but decides to let Day enroll anyway. Outside the office, Night asks how it went, and Day says the professor pitied him enough to let him into all his classes. But the door to the office is open, and the professor overheard this. He enters the conversation and corrects Day - to Day's surprise - that it isn't pity that changed his mind. He believes Day is capable and he wants to see him succeed, so he gave his approval. The class will be hard, but Day is up for it. Day can be visibly moved by this. (NOT EVERYONE PITIES YOU IN ALL SCENARIOS BABY BOY TIME TO LEARN THIS)

Mork says his goodbyes to Phorjai and Poomjai (who we did not get enough of! give me more cute baby!) and, with a heavy heart and a reprise of Last Twilight in the background, gets in a cab to go to the airport.

Part 2/4

Day is now definitely unsure if he made the right choice, wishing he could have a chance to talk to Mork, but thinks he's too late because Mork is conveniently not answering his phone. Day finds out that Mork is on his way to the airport (because the information pipeline still goes Mork -> Phorjai -> Night -> Day even when Mork and Day aren't talking 😂) to leave for Hawaii.

So guess what! We keep the stupid rush to the airport! (Although this time we're NOT doing it at the freaking wedding, dear lord. Namtan was precious in that scene but nope.) Night gets the flight information from Phorjai, and we see a few cute flirty texts between them on his screen. Day asks Night to hurry but Night says he doesn't want to get them into an accident, and Day softens and says "I know, me too. Just do your best." (BROTHERLY FORGIVENESS!)

Day makes it to the airport in time, and finds Mork, but Mork has only like a minute to spare before he has to go. Day tells him he's still upset about everything, but he'll miss Mork while he's gone. If he's coming back to Thailand in six months... can they talk things out then? Mork agrees. Day wishes him a safe flight, and they part.

Part 3/4

Instead of a time skip, we now enter a quick MONTAGE of the next six months! We see Day at university, doing well in his classes! We see Night and Phorjai on a cute date with Poomjai! We see Mhon with Day at the Society, attending meetings and making an effort to unlearn some ableism through Aon and Pla! We see Mork on a video call with Phorjai and Poomjai! We see Day comfortably using a cane, and teaching his replacement caretaker his routine, and being respected for his choices! We see Mork thriving as a chef in Hawaii, getting compliments from customers and his boss!

There's a quick scene where Mork has to go back, but his boss offers him an extension of his work visa, if he wants. He can go home and have time to think about it. Mork is happy to have options.

The six months are up, and Mork has returned to Thailand. Day has been waiting for this moment, but he's nervous - maybe we see Night helping him get ready, teasing him a little.

They meet at a cafe, and Night leaves them to it. They ask how the other has been, both sharing small talk about them both doing well. Then Mork asks if he can take Day to meet someone. They go to Rung's grave, at the temple, and Mork 'introduces' Day to his family. Day asks if Mork will tell him the whole story of his sister, and Mork does. Mork takes the chance to say that he still doesn't really understand their breakup. He'll admit Day was right at the time, Mork was treating him differently because of his disability, and he's sorry about that, but if Mork could go back to that time, he'd still make the same choice all over again. He loved Day then, and just wanted to stay with him. And as hurt as he feels, Mork still loves him now, and he just wants Day to know that. Even if they don't have a future together.

Day, in this version, is the one who asks for a second chance. His apology is sincere. He's been working on things, on himself, on his future, and he wants the chance to give them another go. He's sorry for assuming Mork's choice was made out of pity, and he admits they aren't perfect together, it's not always easy being a couple. They'll need to communicate clearly if this is going to work, if Day is going to be more than just a burden to Mork. But he wants that chance. "We might have more problems, in the future. If we're going to fight, I want to be with you when we do. I want to fight at your side. Will you let me try?"

And he will, of course. Mork takes Day's hand, and with a rainbow in the sky, they get a fresh start.

Part 4/4

Okay, now you can have your damn timeskip! (We earned it as a happiness epilogue, you see.) A reasonable amount of time later, no more than a couple years.

We definitely keep the happy family dinner moment where Mork's cooking impresses Mhon, and she asks him to call her Mom. We get Day moving in with Mork, and Day's replacement caregiver, now only part-time, helping them smooth out worries and helping Day lead his independent life. Day graduates, opens his bookshop, and does become a public speaker. Night asks Phorjai to marry him. The final scene is of Mork and Day dancing at the wedding.

A happy ending, at last. One they - and we! - actually deserve. 😊

(Anyway this is now apparently a thing I do sometimes, and this was obscenely long. But if you made it all the way through, I appreciate you so so much. I hope you can see the love I have for this show, even through all my disappointment. Let me know what you think!)

[noxstellacaelum]

No, it’s not just because the guy is hot ... and other BS about a female fan base (Looking at you Veronica Mars and Shadowhunters)

I wrote recently about how filtering female characters through the male gaze can cause a project’s “center of gravity” to shift away from the agency and autonomy of female characters. This is how we end up w/ stories where women are there (narratively) to be pretty arm candy, or objects of sexual desire, or romantic partners (half a ship) vs characters who shape their own romantic and life choices. This is how we get female characters subjected to endless, pointless pain and trauma — usually sexual assault/ rape narratives (GoT, Veronica Mars). Or female characters who sacrifice endlessly and forgive every transgression, so that a man can be redeemed/ understood/ forgiven. (Why else would Buffy forgive Spike?) As I said, I don’t think every silly, guilty pleasure TV show or movie has to be a feminist icon story. Men can tell good stories about women. And give me flawed, complicated, nuanced characters and relationships any and every day of the week. I prefer truthful storytelling, not a kind of hagiography w/a side of feminism for my female characters.

Still, I had to just shake my head — after gagging on my coffee — when I saw the recent TV Line article quoting a senior executive at HULU as saying that the negative reaction to the ending of S4 Veronica Mars was A-O-K b/c it was a testament to how much people love the show. And, that the end was all part of RT’s super-well-thought-grand-plan to make VM into a noir detective show where Veronica solves random mysteries in random places and has no friends, no family, no relationships — having been an asshole to everyone in S4. Never mind S4 Veronica’s questionable detective skills, as evidenced by her failure to figure out who was behind the bombings until it was too late. Yeah. Whatever.

Of course, I didn’t stop at the article. I had to look at the comments. The official RT fanboy line appears to be that people who hated the ending are basically weak, stupid (heterosexual, I guess) girls who are upset that we won’t get to look at Jason D’s abs anymore. Apparently, we just don’t understand RT’s art and vision. Sad, really.

And so it goes. Once again, female fans are reduced to unthinking, stupid, crying hordes upset when we don’t get our happily-ever-after.

This is such complete and total bullshit. I hated all of S4 Veronica. VM in S4 is an unrecognizable asshole. She mocks Logan for seeking help for his PTSD. She misses or ignores her dad’s health crisis. She’s casually racist. She randomly uses drugs w/ strangers. She’s terrible to her friends (Weevil). And she’s the worst detective ever. Killing Logan off as some kind of suffer porn for VM was just one more piece of the shitty story telling that was S4. Especially since there was zero narrative explanation of how or why smart, gritty teenager Veronica fell into the abyss of self-loathing, self-absorption and cruelty that defines her in S4.

To my mind, though, the mansplaining from HULU, RT and crew is one of many examples of how Hollywood dismisses female fans along with female characters. In addition to Veronica Mars, I’ve written about how Shadowhunters TV betrayed both its female characters and many of its female fans. And, just as happened w/ Veronica Mars, when people objected, the show runners and their shills told us that we didn’t understand the showrunners’ art or storytelling; that we were upset bc not all of the couples got a wedding, that fan fiction could sort out the narrative mess left after the finale. As if completely sidelining the protagonist and her romantic partner, then tacking on a rom com meet cute at the end, made it all ok.

It wasn’t OK. It was BS. And, depressingly, not a surprise when one examines how the show treated its female characters and fan base all along.

- Cassie Clare, the author behind the six book series, has hinted on her Tumblr blog that from the very beginning, the male producers and show runners behind the TV adaption did not value her heavily female fan base. The show even added a lot of computers/ tech (explicitly NOT canon in the Shadowhunters universe), and made a character a police officer (not a bookstore owner) and added a police procedural framework when it launched to attract an older male audience according to Clare. (Aside from the tech not canon issues, gender stereotyping on who likes computers much?!?)

More importantly, the storytelling around female characters, and the treatment of their sexuality, showed the lack of regard the show had for female characters and their fans. Where to even start:

- The show aged-up the characters — which I am totally on board with — but then cast an actor who is only six years older than Matt D. (he played Alec) to play Mayrse, Alec’s (and Izzy and Jace’s adoptive) mother. 6 years!?! There are plenty of skilled, age appropriate performers one could have picked. Don’t tell me that casting decision was the product of anything other than the male gaze.

- Book Mayrse is a complicated and not always likeable character. Totally cool. Show Mayrse exists in S1 of SHTV for the sole purpose of being bigoted and homophobic re Alec (with a side of slut-shaming for her daughter Izzy). Then, in S3, she exists solely to be punished (w/ a random de-rune-ing) and then redeemed for her homophobia by becoming “captain of the Malec ship.” S3 Mayrse seems to be entirely unaware that she has other children. Not Izzy. And not depressed, and suicidal Jace. A more richly observed character who is a mother would not act this way.

-Book Izzy is sexy and body positive. And a formidable warrior. Awesome. Show Izzy is often reduced to slutty eye candy in S1. She’s turned into a drug addict in S2. And, then, in S3 and the finale, she’s charged w caretaking duties for Jace (bc the show ignored the parabatai bond bw Alec and Jace and Mayrse was absent, as noted above). And, in the climactic fight scene, she’s disarmed by Clary (who had been training for a couple of months at that point) and needs to be saved by Simon, her non-Shadowhunter soon to be boyfriend. Simon is hugely heroic in the books, as is Clary, but their heroism is not at the expense of, or in place of, Izzy’s strength and heroism.

- Clary, the protagonist, is wholly sidelined in 3B and the finale. I won’t go down this rabbithole again, except to say that the show’s decision to strip Clary of her entire narrative arc — her mother, her father figure, her memories, her magic, her identity her chosen family, and her love — deeply, deeply betrayed the character and her fans.

- And, as I’ve written before, the dark Clary storyline seemed more about putting Kat M. In sexy clothes and having her act in a sexually aggressive way toward Jace (let’s call it what it was - the show hinted that she went down on Jace in a club while Jace was distraught over losing Clary and basically roofied) (bc sexually aggressive women are either slutty or evil on SHTV, I guess.). It made no sense.

-The whole Climon storyline was cringe worthy, and her weird shame-y commentary on Jace’s past sex life made no sense either.

- Maia hooking up w/ Jace behind a bar, and forgiving her attacker.

The list goes on and on.

I am sick and tired of Hollywood reducing female characters and female fans to unsophisticated, silly, shallow people looking only for the love of a (generally straight white) man. I am sick of shows sacrificing female characters and their fans to tell stories about other characters, even when those stories are worthy. (We shouldn’t have had to choose between, say, Magnus, Alec and Malec, and Clary, Jace and Clace.). I am sick of characters and fans serving as a mirror or vehicle for other characters’ stories.

Female fans watch TV. We buy movie tickets. We participate in fandoms. Stop telling us that we should be content w/ scraps from the storytelling table.

[androgynousfeline]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

I did an Endgame Fix-It because I had _thoughts_

[ayushinair]

Dispose This Body Off For All It Is Worth

If a drop of alcohol ever wets my mouth and if the smoke from my it is of a cigarette and not the cold, it would not be for the ephemeral pe

[atinyfireflywithmittens]

I seek, but I never find

I give, but I never receive

I speak, but I'm never heard

I'm here, but not seen

Is it too much to be acknowledged?

Is it too much for my needs to be met?

Why can't happiness be mine too?

No matter how I ask, I'm never answered

No matter how I try, it never changes

No matter how I cry, it always hurts

No matter how it goes, it always repeats

Why am I even here?

[totallybat-tastic]

I drove past you again in traffic this morning while we were both on our way to work.

Your car sticks out like a brightly colored, dented thumb.

And I didn't feel any longing or sadness at all.

That is all the reassurance I need to not bother keeping an eye out any longer.

[lillyoftheally]

Chapter One

We all gathered up into the car again, exhausted from being on our feet. I could feel my eyes getting heavier and heavier watching the sun's rays fade into night as we past mile after mile. Compared to the car ride to the hospital, full of laughter and merriment, this was especially quiet. I didn't mind. 

  "I'm boooored!" whined Nicole in her typical fashion. No, don't care that the general rest of the car was in a melancholic tone, worry about yourself. I tried loving her as she was apart of the group, but it was really, really hard sometimes. I rolled my eyes and looked over to John who was sitting straight across from me. I looked at him a lot, to be frank, and sometimes I caught him looking back, but I'm sure that it was just coincidence. Written all over his face was the same feeling of annoyance I was feeling. 

  "Why don't we play a question game of some sort?" suggested Nicole's mom, who was driving. Ever at her daughter's beckon call, I was amazed at how much she did for her daughter and manage to not smack her upside the head once in a while. Then again, Nicole would probably literally attempt to kill her. The anger issues on that girl…

  For the next ten minutes I listened to the questions and answers from each of the people in the full SUV, closing my eyes trying to sleep partially because I'm awful at answering and asking questions, and partially just because I was honestly tired as fuck. I stretched out across the car seat, careful not to touch John, but enough to make him take notice. I don't know why I tried these small, daring acts, but they gave me a little satisfaction. The questions were atypical of a bunch of teenagers, so as you can imagine, quite deep, with gems like, "Who do you like?", "How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?". Moderately interesting, but not exactly my cup of tea. Everyone always lies anyway.

  "Allie, what about you?" asked Michelle. Dammit, she must have seen me move or something. 

  Act dumb. "What about me, what?" I replied back. 

  "Who have you gone out with this year? Or *do* you have someone special in your life right now?" she waggled her eyebrows suggestively. 

  My heart started racing. The car was silent. Could they hear it? What did I say? In my peripheral vision I watched as John, who had previously been occupying himself with his own work, stop writing. 

  He wanted an answer? Fine, I'll give a real nice answer. 

  "Well, um, I mean, I've gone out with a few guys this year, but none that really meant anything. At least, I didn't to them, obviously."

  I saw him take a large breath and sigh, looking out though his window. Purposefully not in my direction. 

  Maybe I was a bit too catty.

  Good.

[ajquin]

Tomorrow...

It's absolutely crazy to think that the routine of seeing the same faces and places, as well as mindlessly working on the daily grind you've shaped for the past four years will finally come to an end. You wonder, "Has time really flew that fast?" without realizing that a new door has been opened, a new chapter of your life has just begun. Haha, it's weird because yesterday night, I attended my brother's recognition night and as soon as the band played "Pomp and Circumstance" for the 8th graders, I felt a bit emotional. Just a simple tune, a piece of commemoration, can flood one's mind with infinite memories years gone and spark a kaleidoscope of feelings... nostalgia, remembrance, excitement, pride. As I walk up those steps to receive that diploma, not only will I take away years of challenges, lessons learned and hardship (saved to become fuel for motivation in the next four years) but also, years of sweet, beautiful moments that will make my heart beat fondly as it did when I first stepped into the doors of a place called high school.