Boof. A hard one to admit for SO many people. This was/is totally me. This is likely so many people I know who remain single or divorced into their 30s and beyond.
Even though you operate in an adult’s body, you can be hella old, and still operating with the heart of the childhood you or the heart of twenty- something you, who still was relationally immature. If you are watching your fertile window come and go while remaining single, ladies, you may be relationally immature. If you’re still in your 30s, gents, and are not yet in that mainframe of desiring to settle down, you are probably relationally immature.
If you are struggling to sustain romantic relationships, I would even go so far as to say that your perpetual singledom is like a firetruck siren of a signal from your heart that you have some therapeutic work that may need to do.
Relational immaturity specifically addresses the “relationships” slice of your overall maturity birthday cake. You might be doing just fine living in your own dwelling. You might be killing’ it at your job. You might know how to boil some water and do your taxes. Maybe you have traveled the world. But that doesn’t mean you have mastered relational maturity. If there are other aspects of your life that you can reflect upon as “not yet in an ideal state”, those other incomplete areas of your life may be linked to your relational maturity.
It is worth mentioning that relationships must be mature across multiple relationship arenas: with your own body, mind and heart. With God if you are spiritual, with your family, with your friends, and with your professional colleagues at school or work. These relationships all fall under “relational maturity”.
And then of course, your romantic relationships will be impacted by your relational maturity even more so, because these tend to be the most emotionally intimate and vulnerable. Unlike your family or your job, your romantic interest or partner is under zero obligations and is not incentivized by any business perks to stay with you. All of your relationships will be somewhat interconnected, believe it or not. You can’t show up as an outstanding business partner at work if you are trashing yourself by not eating well, not sleeping enough, and if your brain is pumping with negative self-talk. If you’re having drama with a friend you may not be as clearheaded at work or in your romantic partnership. If you have struggles or drama in your family, you may not show up in your romantic relationship as your best self. Etc. So it’s all kind of comprehensive.
For me (takes a deep breath because this is about to be very vulnerable), I noticed myself struggling in professional settings, essentially struggling over and over to get along peacefully with anyone who failed to meet my mind’s expectations of that role, and they disappointed me in any way. Even if my expectations were 100% reasonable, because perhaps anyone hired in that role should probably be able to do X, Y, or Z in order to even be considered for hire, if that person disappointed me in any way and failed to do X, Y, or Z, it put us on the fast track to our relationship either dissolving or hitting a major bump in the road.
I observed myself in over a five year long pattern of job hopping and struggles with professional relationships. I would say yes to a job, then discover that certain key players at the job majorly sucked to work with, all my favorite colleagues would quit, or that some seriously shady secrets would come to light about how that company operated.
Then I would begin the hunt for a new job for the following year in the same industry, hoping that maybe, somewhere out there, not all companies in this industry sucked. Five plus years later, I think it’s safe to say that yes, maybe they all actually DO suck in that particular industry. Because they were all shady after at least three tries to find a good job. Once, and it could be a one off. Twice, and you start to wonder, and it may not be a coincidence. Three times, and it is no longer a coincidence-- it is a pattern. And yet, I was the one failing to pivot and adjust my approach to finding job satisfaction.
There are some definite parallels to romantic satisfaction here, so read on if you have time...
I would wonder things like, “Why do I keep choosing these professional positions where the people constantly display shadiness or appalling levels of incompetence? Why don’t any of the best professionals at the job stay hired, but all the crappier employees stay hired for like, decades? Should I also keep it moving? [the answer was “yes”! But I was too naive to realize it].
Why wasn’t I able to learn after the first, or maybe the first two disappointments, and adjust course out of this entire field if they all seem to display these relational patterns I don’t thrive under?”. There were some colleagues and bosses that I had amazing professional rapport with amidst all of this, but the (pardon my french) f*ckery of the people in key decision-making roles usually drove all the best employees out the door.
I also wondered, “ Why were certain people able to tolerate or even thrive in what I considered and knew in my heart to be toxic work cultures, while I was deeply troubled by them? Why did my job dick me around so ruthlessly, but if I looked at other colleagues, the job would never dare to do the same shady things to them?”.
Sometimes I observed that the very same boss was like a gracious, generous angel to specific colleagues, and then full on illegally shafting me or others, in the very next breath. Why was this the case? Further more, the most puzzling question of all: Why was I able to have phenomenal professional relationships with some of my colleagues, that lasted long after we both left the job and which I am able to maintain to this very day? But with other colleagues who couldn't meet my standards professionally, or who were outright shady, unethical and unscrupulous to me, the connection for even a basic “we don’t even have to be friends whatsoever outside of this building, but let’s get this work done on a respectable and amicable level” was impossible.
It took a lot of therapy to figure this all out. Yes, the issues were likely rooted in my dysfunctional childhood. Yes, the issues were probably exacerbated by a couple of highly unusual and definitely relationship-related traumas that I faced in my early adulthood. And yes, the issues were not helped by these blind spots I had about how to have relational discernment and tactical knowledge for how to approach these types of relational situations. In a nutshell, relational immaturity manifested in my professional life. Because other people would fully have no problems navigating these situations. But I did. And I see the exact same patterns and struggles romantically.
I hope that I have since developed an awareness around my issues; and that I now know enough to avoid or overcome these situations next time I’m in a promising romantic relationship, and in my professional relationships moving forward.
If you sense that you might benefit from therapy, I strongly encourage you to seek it out. Just the ability to admit to yourself “I might need help from a trained professional to figure out the root of these emotional struggles” is you, becoming more mature as an adult. Because it takes courage and insight to realize when we need more help than we are able to find on our own.
If you think you can’t afford therapy, it would surprise you to discover that there are ways to make it affordable. For example, many college campuses give the students free personal counseling by default. So take advantage of that in your twenties or during grad school. Christian churches and other organizations offer personal counseling with bona fide therapists-in-training, who just need to get their hours completed under the supervision of a licensed therapist before they can officially get licensed themselves, and fly solo. There is therapy online. Your basic medical health coverage may cover therapy, unbeknownst to you. Even free governement-issued health coverage may still include personal counseling.
If the thought of talking to a therapist absolutely horrifies you, because it is too “mental” and you can’t even handle the thought that you have “mind problems”, I would encourage you to reframe what “therapy” can be. The words “therapy”, and “mental health” completely turn me off. I don’t even want to begin to suggest that I possess, or to have anyone else label me as having “mental issues” when I know myself; and I know my mind is perfectly intact. I’m just struggling in certain areas of my own personal success.
Rather than defining this type of help as “mental health”, or even “therapy” that isn’t physical therapy, I would encourage you to choose to reframe it as “emotional intelligence training” and “self development”, under the umbrella of “personal counseling”. I am WAY more comfortable with the title of “personal counseling” than I am with the labels of “therapy” and “mental health”. Just because you are seeking personal counseling for issues that are not related to your physical body, and you may need a little more help for problems that may be rooted in your past or in your emotional wellbeing, it does not mean you have a mental health problem.
I severely wish all personal counseling services everywhere would step into 2020 and re-label themselves under a much-needed umbrella of “social-emotional wellness services”. This would totally strip the taboo for people to seek out these highly beneficial services; and encourage all wellbeing practitioners to practice under this umbrella. Things like yoga, meditation, mental illness, personal counseling, couples counseling, family counseling, postpartum depression and anxiety, PTSD, and substance abuse-- all of this kind of stuff should be considered "social-emotional wellness services”, because they are all social-emotional issues. They are matters of the heart, mind, emotions, and relationship.
If you’re like “yeah f*ck reframing-- I am not down with therapy at all, sorry”, there are a lot of beneficial podcasts on relationships that can begin to help you tap into your emotional core in private, and maybe help you get some insight on any past relationship traumas or relationship patterns. There are amazing life coaches with free youtube videos that can help people.
Some of my absolute favorites are:
- “Stephan Speaks”
- heart of dating podcast (christian)
- Mark Manson
- Zen Habits
- Amy Chan / Renew Breakup Bootcamp
- Matthew Hussey (I would recommend more of his recent stuff, and less of his gamey, ‘how to get the guy’ manipulative kinda stuff).
I have another resource that is absolutely phenomenal; but not everyone is ready for that level of truth. And it does come from a christian man. If you’re intrigued by that, willing to be vulnerable, willing to hear harder truths, and especially if you consider yourself a Christian man or woman, send me a direct message on tumblr and I’ll send you the name of one of the most transformative relationship coaches I have ever found.
