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Mantras/Reality/Awareness

I learn that it is possible for me to mend, to become more loving, intimate and supportive. I have the choice of communicating with my family in a way, which is safe for me and respectful of them.

I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth.

You want to be close and are able to be intimate. To maintain a positive connection, you give up your needs to please and accommodate your partner. But because you don’t get your needs met, you become unhappy. You’re preoccupied with the relationship and highly attuned to your partner, worrying that he or she wants less closeness. You often take things personally with a negative twist and project negative outcomes.

“There are two questions a man must ask himself: The first is 'Where am I going?' and the second is 'Who will go with me?' If you ever get these questions in the wrong order you are in trouble.”

Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors. They have worried themselves sick about other people. They have tried to help in ways that didn't help. They have said yes when they meant no. They have tried to make other people see things their way. They have bent over backwards avoiding hurting people's feelings and, in so doing, have hurt themselves. They have been afraid to trust their feelings. They have believed lies and then felt betrayed. They have wanted to get even and punish others. They have felt so angry they wanted to kill. They have struggled for their rights while other people said they didn't have any. They have worn sackcloth because they didn't believe they deserved silk.

The formula is simple: In any given situation, detach and ask, “What do I need to do to take care of myself?

Detaching does not mean we don’t care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. Few situations—no matter how greatly they appear to demand it—can be bettered by us going berserk. Why do we do it, then? We react because we’re anxious and afraid of what has happened, what might happen, and what is happening. Many of us react as though everything is a crisis because we have lived with so many crises for so long that crisis reaction has become a habit. We react because we think things shouldn’t be happening the way they are. We react because we don’t feel good about ourselves. We react because most people react. We react because we think we have to react. We don’t have to. We don’t have to be so afraid of people. They are just people like us. We don’t have to forfeit our peace. It doesn’t help. We have the same facts and resources available to us when we’re peaceful that are available to us when we’re frantic and chaotic.

Just feeling urgent and compulsive is enough to hurt us. We keep ourselves in a crisis state...ready to react to emergencies that aren't really emergencies. Someone does something, so we must do something back. Someone says something, so we must say something. Someone feels a certain way, so we must feel a certain way. WE JUMP INTO THE FIRST FEELING THAT COMES OUR WAY AND THEN WALLOW IN IT.

The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it is not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of the other person — without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other.

find other emotional outlets and support than just the one person. find friends who can help you with your problems too, so the entire weight of them is not put on your partner and you have somewhere to go for help and support if you lose them

Caretaking: Codependents may: feel safest when giving. feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them. feel sad because the spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them. feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don’t have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help. abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else. overcommit themselves.

Low Self-Worth: Codependents tend to: get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise (stroke deprivation). try to help other people live their lives instead. artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others. get strong feelings of low self-worth embarrassment, failure, etc. from other people’s failures and problems. try to prove they’re good enough for other people and settle for being needed.

Controlling: Many codependents: become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally. don’t see or deal with their fear of loss of control. think they know best how things should turn out and how people should behave. try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination.

Dependency: Many codependents: don’t feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves. look for happiness outside themselves. latch onto whoever or whatever they think can provide happiness. feel terribly threatened by the loss of any thing or person they think provides their happiness. feel they need people more than they want them. try to prove they’re good enough to be loved and don’t take time to see if other people are good for them. worry whether other people love or like them and don’t take time to figure out if they love or like other people. center their lives around other people. look to relationships to provide all their good feelings. lose interest in their own lives when they love. worry other people will leave them. feel trapped in relationships. leave bad relationships and form new ones that don’t work either.

Poor Communication: Codependents frequently: don’t say what they mean. don’t mean what they say. don’t know what they mean. don’t take themselves seriously. ask for what they want and need indirectly–sighing, for example find it difficult to get to the point and aren’t sure what the point is. try to say what they think will please people. try to say what they think will provoke people. try to say what they hope will make people do what they want them to do. eliminate the word “no” from their vocabulary talk too much. talk about other people.wait to express their opinions until they know other people’s opinions.

Sex Problems: Some codependents: are caretakers in the bedroom have sex when they don’t want to. have sex when they’d rather be held, nurtured, and loved. try to have sex when they’re angry or hurt. refuse to enjoy sex because they’re so angry at their partner. are afraid of losing control. have a difficult time asking for what they need in bed. withdraw emotionally from their partner. force themselves to have sex, anyway. reduce sex to a technical act. wonder why they don’t enjoy sex.

Miscellaneous: Codependents tend to: be extremely irresponsible. become martyrs, sacrificing their happiness and that of others for causes that don’t require sacrifice. vacillate in decisions and emotions. be ashamed about family, personal, or relationship problems. be confused about the nature of the problem. cover up, lie, and protect the problem. not seek help because they tell themselves the problem isn’t bad enough, or they aren’t important enough. wonder why the problem doesn’t go away.

Someone who is pleased with you at one time may not be pleased with you at another time. Because another person's approval of you can be fickle and impermanent, it is not a sturdy place to harness your sense of self. Even if someone is pleased with you due to your current pleasing behaviors, this doesn't mean that the behavior you’re doing now is what is what's ultimately best for YOU. Sometimes what feels good in the short-term (social approval) may compromise your long-term best interests. Face the truth about the present state of your relationship. Ask yourself, "What will happen when I inevitably displease this person?" If you guess that the person will probably punish you in some fashion (rejection, humiliation, or worse), and if you realize that your behavior centers around heroic attempts to avoid this reaction, then ask, “Is what I’m gaining short-term from this relationship as important and valuable to me as what I’m losing long-term?”

Be mindful of the relational boundary line. A good self-reflective question to frequently ask: what in this relationship belongs to me and is my responsibility and what belongs to the other person? You should try to be as clear as possible of where that boundary line is and stay on your side. There are certain types of familiar relationships that replicate unhealthy patterns from your past where you might feel the strong pull to cross over the line. But, asking yourself this question can often help you stay grounded and keep the boundary in place.

Notice when you’re doing whatever it is you want to change. For instance, if you are pushing your boyfriend away, catch yourself at it. If you’re thinking thoughts about how nobody is trustworthy, say to yourself: “I’m doing it again.” Don’t beat yourself up over it; just notice. Noticing is the gateway to change.

Cut out attention for negative behaviors.Being good does not gain us a lot of attention. Being bad does. We cannot get rid of the need for attention. Do not even try. What we can do is start getting that attention for good behaviors.

How to Avoid (Adult Role): 1) When asking for help, state clearly what is needed 2) Ask for suggestions from others but know only you can solve your problems 3) Welcome and acknowledge suggestions. Have an open mind and avoid “yes, but…” 4) Be clear about what you are willing to give in exchange for help. 5) Form a plan of action that makes clear everyone’s understanding of what is going to happen. 6) Be clear on what you can and will do, and what you expect. 4) Accept that love cannot be earned (and therefore, except as children, we cannot be cheated of love.) 1) Have agreements instead of expectations. 2) Be honest and clear about what you are willing to do. Help is different than rescue, it has limits, is clearly defined, and has no strings attached. 3) Know and accept your limitations, you can help but you cannot force someone to change. 4) Believe others are equal to you and have the ability to solve their own problems and learn from their mistakes. 4) Help others find ways to help themselves—‘empowerment.’ 5) Ask for nurturing directly

Second, you have to ask yourself, “What is it I think I’m achieving through this behavior? What is my goal?” Very often, you might realize your goal is to give love and receive it in a way that doesn’t put you at risk for being hurt or being vulnerable. Now you have to ask yourself again whether you truly believe those behaviors constitute the best approach to solving the problem or achieving that goal.

Did you agree to something that led to this? Did you hold back on speaking out, against what your instincts told you? Did you give in to something you disapproved of? Did you act dishonestly in any way? Did you let your pride, ego or fear get in the way of your actions? Now aim to find alternative solutions. If you’re looking for attention, can you get it more directly? If you’re bored, what new adventure can create in your life? Did you mistake intensity or need or lust or drama for love? What did you do to promote the drama? How did you handle conflict in yourself and your partner? What information did you withhold? What provoking remarks or behavior did you engage in?

Slow down and de-intensify your relationship. Be honest with yourself and your partner.

Identify the relationships, environments, and circumstances that are contributing to the overall chaos. Determine your desire to change these factors, and also understand how and when you are likely to engage in these patterns. Remember that you may not be able to create immediate change in these areas (i.e. you may not be able to suddenly quit a job that is contributing to your life’s chaos), but identifying your goals in changing these patterns opens the door to setting a plan for change. Furthermore, you may not desire to end a relationship that is chaotic, but it is still important to understand the dysfunctional patterns embedded in this relationship that require change. Understand when you are prone to seek out chaos and develop a plan for how you will combat the tendency to immerse yourself in chaos as means to cope with other unresolved problems.

Stop giving yourself away to people who don't appreciate you. You can't find true affection by offering yourself up to every guy that passes by. Stop numbing your brain with the roller coaster ups and downs of your current cycle and give yourself time to figure out what you want and from whom you want it.

Friendships and loves do not come easily and must be assiduously cultivated. You're going to have to do the hard work to reap the benefits, and it starts by understanding that you are worth more than just a random sexual encounter. If someone is not willing to make the effort to get to know you before going to bed with you, they're not worth your time and won't help you achieve your goal of surrounding yourself with people who care about you.

learn to be calm and resist the urge to demand attention (even though you know how to get it) when your partner needs to put his or her attention elsewhere. We become addicted to external validation and the feedback that it gives us: pretty girl tells us we’re a cool guy, we feel better, we want more approval from pretty girl, etc. We get stuck in these constant loops of seeking feedback while reinforcing these negative feedback loops that torpedo our self esteem and self-worth and leave us unable to gauge our own value accurately.

However, if you have someone in your life who is resorting to dramatic displays just to get your attention, there’s a good chance it’s because you don’t respond to that person’s more subtle, calm, and kind ones. Let me put it this way: There’s a story about a man in the army named Joe, and Joe would never hear the bugle when it was time to wake up. So the other men would have to wake him up. First, they would gently shake him and whisper, “Hey, Joe, time to wake up.” He stayed asleep. So they shook him more violently and yelled at him. Still asleep. Finally, they had to throw a bucket of water on his head to wake him up. If you’re the one who is constantly wondering why the other person creates drama, maybe it’s because you’ve been asleep for the other stuff. The more emotional person (meaning, the one who instigates the drama) wants to coax their partner out of his or her emotional shell. Underneath all the seemingly crazy behavior is a desire to help their partner feel–preferably feel positive emotions. However, the more emotional person will take the negative over nothing because at least you’re feeling something.

Let the other person pick up the ball on occasion. Are you the one initiating contact every time? Do you do it frequently? Even if you’re excited about a new relationship, pull back a little and let them come to you. Don’t go overboard and start ignoring them, quite the contrary. When it comes to communication, make sure you aren’t flooding your beloved’s inbox only to receive a trickle in return.

Avoid focusing too much on what the other person is doing when they’re away from you. When a relationship is new, it’s easy to actually create problems that aren’t there by wondering what the other person is doing 24/7. When you start worrying what they’re up to all the time, you’re giving all your power away on a silver platter. Putting tabs on them reeks of insecurity and will make them feel like you don’t trust them.

Pay attention to how you feel. People with BPD usually have trouble recognizing their own emotions and figuring out where these emotions are coming from. A good way to practice this is by closing your eyes and asking yourself: “how have I been feeling these past two hours?”. If you notice some tension in your body, ask yourself where you got this from. It may be related to your emotions and feelings. Once you figured out how you’ve been feeling these past two hours you can ask yourself: “why have I been feeling this way?” to figure out where those feelings are coming from. Try to be as specific as possible. So not: “I am angry because of my stupid boyfriend”. But: “I am angry with my boyfriend, because he is forgot to pick me up again”. This way you understand better why you are angry, and in this case you even realize you are angry because of your boyfriend’s behaviour and not because of your boyfriend as a person. Try not to judge yourself for feeling the way you do.

Recognize which emotions came first. People with BPD usually get overwhelmed by their emotions. All of a sudden they feel so many different emotions that it’s difficult to see which one belongs to which feeling or thought. Being overwhelmed makes it more difficult to calm down. Thus try to analyze your emotions: why did you get upset in the first place? Which emotions did you feel at that moment? Which other thoughts popped up after you got upset? And which emotions belong to those thoughts? An example: your boyfriend doesn’t pick up the phone. This makes you angry and annoyed. Thoughts pop up such as: He doesn’t want to talk to me (sadness). He doesn’t like me (sadness, depressed). Maybe he will leave me (anxiousness, sadness, depressed, panic-stricken). Maybe he is with someone else (anger, upset, scared, depressed). By analyzing the situation it’s easier to identify which emotion belongs to which thought or feeling. Then focus on the trigger that caused all these emotions to pop-up and try to ignore all the thoughts, feelings and emotions that came after that. This will calm you down more easily.

When you’re derailed by stress and negativity, as people with borderline personality disorder often are, it’s easy to misread the intentions of others. If you’re aware of this tendency, you can check your assumptions. Remember, you’re not a mind reader! Instead of jumping to conclusions (usually negative), consider alternative meaning and motivations. Ask the person to clarify their intentions. One of the simplest ways to check your assumptions is to ask the other person what they’re thinking or feeling. Double check what they meant by their words or actions. Instead of asking in an accusatory manner, try a softer approach: “I could be wrong, but it feels like...” or “Maybe I’m being overly sensitive, but I get the sense that...”

Increase tolerance of uncertainty levels. People who have difficulty to deal with uncertainty worry and panic more and sooner about topics that may not even be worth it. In the example above about the boyfriend who didn’t pick up his phone: he may have been busy at that moment. Perhaps he just got off the bus, paid a bill or wrote an email. People who have low tolerance of uncertainty levels will try to find explanations for the fact that the boyfriend didn’t pick up the phone. Unfortunately, intolerance of uncertainty in combination with the fear of (potential) abandonment is a deadly combination for panic, worry, and getting emotionally overwhelmed. Often, this combination makes people with borderline think of how the boyfriend is leaving or cheating on them. What can you do about it? Write down possible explanations for (in this case) your boyfriend not picking up the phone. Rate them according to likelihood. Another tip: figure out what your worst fear is (he will leave me) and test that if that fear is true. Let’s call this a hypothesis. In reality it’s very unlikely that your boyfriend will leave you, so it’s a safe hypothesis. Once you know the answer you also know whether or not your reactions were out of proportion to the situation. Coping with borderline personality disorder means you have to test certain hypothesis that cause you to panic, worry excessively or make you feel depressed. This way you’ll see that most of your fears are unrealistic and not true. Please note: don’t test these fears on your own, but always consult a professional. If such an experiment goes wrong you may feel worse rather than better.

Don’t respond to others immediately. Responding immediately to someone’s comment, email or question significantly increases the likelihood that you’ll respond out of emotion rather than out of common sense or ratio. An emotional response often is driven by personal needs, desires, and fears. Its these needs, desires, and fears that can lead to a lot of false assumptions and miscommunication issues. Build in a delay: for some people it works really well to repeat the question before they answer to it (this gives people a few more seconds to answer), to ask the person if they understood them correctly (“so if I understood you correctly, you meant:….?”) before you answer, to ask themselves if the answer they want to give is emotionally charged (if so, then try to come up with an alternative response, one that is not emotionally charged). Always wait a week before you make life changing decisions. And talk about it with people you trust. Remember, people you trust want the best for you, so take their opinion seriously. And last but not least: analyze your own feelings.

For example, think of a situation like wanting your partner to turn down the television so you can read. Are you more likely to ask them in a straightforward manner, or do you start making noises of disgust and stomping around? If you choose to make someone feel guilty so you can change their behavior, rather than being honest and making the request, you may be using manipulation. This realisation can also be useful when feeling needy. For example, if someone does not reply to a message you might think “Why can’t they just reply?” But then instead of sending a second one, you take a step back and say “Okay, maybe I don’t want to be someone who pressures people like this”. The ironic thing about wanting to be more independent and less “needy” is that the solution is to recognise that your needs are actually very important and won’t go away if you neglect or ignore them. Dependency is often a result of both neglect and self-neglect of important emotional needs.

People who aren’t sure about how to look after themselves emotionally are more likely to reach out for someone else to do it for them. But no matter how good someone makes you feel, it’s still a good idea to preserve and develop as much emotional self-reliance as you can rather than relying on them.

We all sometimes experience a feeling which, on a subconscious level, might be explained in terms of a child jumping up and down and screaming “I want my ice cream!” It may be that the child is spoilt or just so distressed that it genuinely seems as if ice cream is the only possible answer. To any adult observing the scene, it is obvious that the child could be okay even without getting any ice-cream. And so it is important to observe the child within yourself and to recognise when you might be holding your own happiness to ransom by insisting on something you might not actually need.

An important step along the road to freedom is allowing other people to be free rather than holding onto resentments about their behaviour. It may be tempting to get angry with someone who isn’t there for you during a crisis or lets you down in some way but it isn’t the solution. Consider how many times you may have passed a homeless person in the street and not even thrown them some loose change. When you become an “emotional beggar” you’re in a similar situation. You can ask for help but there’s no point demanding it because nobody owes you anything. Imagining that anyone “should” help you when they haven’t explicitly agreed to do so can come across as manipulative because it confuses your needs with their responsibility. It’s not worth testing anyone’s limits by pressuring them to be someone they may not even be capable of becoming. A bit of adventurous self-introspection will often help you identify patterns of dependency in your thoughts or behaviour that you can work on overcoming. An example might be having an attitude of wanting “all or nothing” from people instead of appreciating whatever is freely offered.

Identifying what you have recently made your happiness rely on can be an eye opener. For example, a troubling thought like “People are driving me crazy!” can be reinterpreted as “I can’t be happy unless everyone is great” which is clearly a little overdependent and unrealistic. Another example might be “Nothing is making any sense!” which is another way of saying “I demand that everything always makes sense” and not strictly necessary for a happy life.

For example, you may think friendship must always be “true” and involve “being there for each other” in hard times or always being genuine or kind. You may think that a partner should love you forever, can never turn their back on you or must forgive you just because you’re sorry. Needing more from people than they feel ready or able to give is just unrealistic and it can also make you appear unreasonable. Even in a crisis, it is pointless to push on someone to do something for you just because you would be willing to do the same for them: no obligation strictly exists. There’s nothing wrong with “fair weather friends” as long as you remember what you can’t expect.

When I’m feeling needy around someone, I often visualise a giant baby crawling up to them and in a high-pitched squeaky voice saying “Mama?” This cute but embarrassing comic depiction helps me to detach and deters me from being needy by reminding me of how I would never want to come across.

In borderline personality disorder, the person responds to fears of abandonment with feelings of rage and emptiness. With DPD, the person responds to the fear with submissiveness and seeks another relationship to maintain his or her dependency.

You find yourself feeling possessive of your partner. You don’t trust other women/men around him/her. You are afraid your partner will get stolen away from you. When your partner is not with you, you feel empty, alone, or bored. You need constant reminders that your partner loves you. You fish for compliments. You like to have some degree of control over your partner. If they don’t do what you want them to, you feel distraught. You are more focused on your partner’s feelings for you than on their identity and personality.

The borderline says, perhaps not in words, but implicitly, I want you to rescue me, so rescue me and by the way I will thwart you and punish you at every turn. Every time you try to rescue me I'll ask you who the hell you are and what the hell you think you are doing. No good deed will go unpunished. Borderlines wanting and seeking rescue and the nons who try to rescue them enmesh and the result is a toxic unhealthy dynamic that sadly defies anything and everything that healthy love actually is.

Improve and practice healthy communication habits. Healthy communication in a relationship includes: owning your reactions using I statements about specific behaviors, such as, "I feel lonely when we don't go out at least once a week." Relationship martyrs sometimes use unhealthy communication (if they communicate with their partners at all). Unhealthy communication often includes You statements, labeling, and overgeneralizations, such as, "You are a jerk and you never give me the time of day."

When you're angry, identify how you are "shoulding" on your partner. "Shoulds" often represent demands that you are placing on another person, and demands frequently leads to anger. Instead, work to realize that your partner can do whatever he or she wants to do, whether or not you/others agree with it. Accepting your partner doesn't mean that you agree with his or her behavior, or that you resign yourself to being on the receiving end of it. It does mean that you realize that you cannot control your partner. You have a choice about whether or not to anger yourself over his or her behavior, and whether or not to behave as a martyr. Instead of "shoulding," move into strongly preferring that he or she do things differently, strongly requesting what you want directly or taking actions to solve problems, persisting in your strong preference and strong requests, getting help, and/or leaving the relationship.

In the first column, write your partner's offense. In the second, write your understanding of the real or underlying problem. In the third, write what you did to contribute to your partner ultimately behaving as he or she did. In the fourth, write what you could do to solve the problem.

They seek to fuse or merge with their significant others. By “becoming one” with their intimate partners, they are able to actually love themselves by loving others.

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