#personal rejection

[lonbergwrites]

That's my second personal rejection for a short story this week... I may not be a crappy writer, but I am also not a published writer...

[ilikesocialjustice]

My “Jerkass Realization”

I feel like shit.

I’ve unintentionally hurt someone I cared about because I underestimated how much they cared about me.

Its strange. Becoming so used to rejection over the years, I didn’t realize it was possible for anyone to become that deeply enamored of me. And when it did happen, I didn’t realize how deeply his feelings ran as I start having a long distance relationship with him. I told him it wasn’t serious, and it wouldn’t be serious until he moved here, which he was considering, and he said it was fine, and now I’ve met someone who is here and we really seem to be hitting it off.

And I’ve had to break it off with the long distance guy and he’s very upset. I thought he’d just be disappointed but he’s really hurt.

He doesn’t pursue romantic relationships out of fear of being hurt. Whereas I do and I’m always prepared for them to implode suddenly, as they often do, and I thought he could handle it as well as I do, and he can’t.

I *did* warn him what he was getting into, but...I feel like an asshole because I care very much about him and I’ve hurt him because I’ve underestimated how emotionally attached he would get to me. I didn’t anticipate that. I’m used to being the one who gets emotionally attached to other people, either romantically or platonically, and having *them* reject me.  It hurt a lot, but I’ve learned to shrug and say “oh well, whatever”, due to my experience with the emotional pummeling.

I just never anticipated that I’d be in the other position and that I’d be the one who has to break it to someone that I’m rejecting *them*. This is new to me.

Even though I was as gentle as I could be, I’ve still hurt him greatly.

I guess I didn’t realize that someone could think of me as being...that special to them. All that rejection took my anticipation of that possibility away.

Even now the possibility of rejection by the other guy is still in my head and I’m calmly resigned to it. I’m stoically resigned to losing both individuals if that’s what happens. It will hurt like hell, but it won’t be the end of the world.

I guess I’ve learned to always prepare myself for rejection on some level. Even when I started mentally thinking of the long distance guy as “my boyfriend”, I mentally smacked myself upside the head and scolded myself for thinking of him that way.

I’ve created a system of defense mechanisms to keep my self-image and my psyche safe when rejected.

I forgot that other people don’t have them.

I had his heart in my hands, and I’ve broken it because I foolishly thought it was as strong as mine.

[melaniemtague]

A Personal Rejection from BPJ and What I learned: The Story of an Overzealous and Egar Girl at AWP 2013

Today marked the ending of a big hope. It transitioned a hope back into a dream, for now. I don't think I will normally post about personal rejections but, in my mind this was a VERY personal rejection and it was one that I learned a lot from. It is something I will hold special to me even though my poem will have to find a home somewhere else.

At AWP this Winter I was introduced to John Rosenwald at BPJ's bookfair table. He really is one of the nicest guys ever. He started talk to me and the group of people I was with about their newest issue and how it focused on long poetry. I made the comment, "I will never be able to write long poetry." He looked at me, smiled, and said, "Trust me dear you will. It takes time, a sense of history."

In my mind I thought, well, wait, I was a history major. I have been obsessed with history my whole life. I have a sense of history, the same one I believe he is talking about. For some reason I was carrying copies of my work along with me and just blurted out without thinking, "I was a history major, I have some historical poems, would you like to take a look at them." The group I was with looked at me and with their eyes said, "Oh my god, you are crazy." While I realized that probably WAS NOT proper protocol. But, John being John, took two of my poems and said I can't look at these right now but come find me here tomorrow morning.

Later that afternoon, he spotted me across the room and came to me. Stating he loved one poem the other not so much. He gave it back to me and said see you in the morning. I met with him we talked he challenged me, and told me, "I want to see this submitted within 3 weeks."

I submitted it and we went back and forth a time or two with a few edits. Then finally I said it was in its final state and it would have to stand alone or come back to me in its vulnerable state. It stood alone for several weeks until this morning I got an email releasing it back to me...:(

I say I want my writing to "not be enough", writers should have risks. This is a risk I often choose to take. Am I not taking it in an effective way? How can I do this better? When I write I want to give enough to connect but not too much. So in many ways it seems I am successful with this when it comes to this piece. I am glad I am doing that but, on another level however (as with anything) there seems to be room for improvement. What can I do to give a little more but not change many of my poems "starving" nature?

When I start looking at my writing in this nature I begin to see the flaws that may exist because of my lack of technical knowledge just 2 creative writing undergrad classes is all I have to stand on (and a couple of people who trust and believe in me). I guess the thing I need to figure out is how to make what seems like a flaw an intentional part of my work. What thread with this piece "Chichen Itza" did not get wound in tightly enough or in the write way?

I write such a delicate poem, and construct it in such a way I can't imagine taking it back to the drawing board but, I feel like I may need to.

There may be a Pt 2 as this all has time to simmer...

Keep reading, writing, seeking, M