#personal romance

[themostfinalofpams]

Things I Wish I Could Send To My Ex 1

I’m so sorry if I did something that fucked things up between us. Our relationship was so important to me and sometimes talking to you was the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning. I’ve never felt the way I do about you before, even after all these months and maybe that caused me to put you on a pedestal. We’re both just human, after all. I don’t believe in love at first sight, but I think I felt something akin to that when I first came across your profile and maybe that clouded my judgement.

However, the thing that I think hurt me most about our last conversation was that I had previously confided in you that I’m bad at social cues and you were mad at me for not understanding the subtext and nuances of the breakup message. That you were so mad that I asked to still be friends. That you were mad that I hadn’t moved on from you already. Truthfully, part of the reason I’m so bad at social cues is that I’m autistic and I don’t always understand things that to other people are a given. I say that not as an excuse, but as an explanation of why I am the way I am. I guess it hurt me that you reacted so viscerally to something that’s a part of me, even if it is technically a flaw of mine.

I just wish things could be different. I miss you everyday, I miss us. If you don’t want to talk to me again or you block me after this, I understand, but I still hope that one day we’ll be in each other’s lives again. I love you.

Goodbye

[uozlulu]

That time of night where I go from pretty sleepy to suddenly wide awake because my brain is like “I know we’re okay with being forever alone like 99.99% of the time, but I want to be the .01% right now and think about how fucked up it is that almost every single rejection was because I was ugly.”

Like way to go you demented beastie, this is an unproductive thought train because I will never not be ugly by virtue of like a compulsive disorder and my own irreversible brain damage. Whine all you want, brain, we are not getting a life partner, and it’s time to move on from it. 

[themostfinalofpams]

Is this okay to send? I’m probably going to ask my therapist about sending as well, but is any of what I want to send a good idea?

I know what you said, I just really miss talking to you. I feel like we’re very similar people who’ve dealt with similar hardships and I see a lot of myself in you. I’ve never made a connection with anyone the way I have with you and I’d still like to be friends and keep in contact.

I know that may be one-sided, but I don’t want to lose you forever because I was too scared to ask you what was in my heart. Talking with you was the absolute highlight of my day. If you’d like my Snapchat, it’s ————— or my cell/What’s App, ————

[themostfinalofpams]

i have heard back from them now and while I’m glad i didn’t do anything to push them away, it breaks my heart that they’re going through it, too. I hope that if they need anything that they will contact me. I think i love them and all i want is to kiss them and hold them for as long as we both need.

[themostfinalofpams]

Virtual date went really well! Hoping we’ll get to play again or meet up soon once they’re not contagious.

[themostfinalofpams]

Thinking about how if things go well Saturday, I might finally have an SO 🥺🥰

[themostfinalofpams]

I think I just got asked on a date?! This has never happened to me before. Ever. In my 23 years. It’s a Christmas Eve miracle!

[themostfinalofpams]

Does this seem like too much? I feel like it seems like too much, but at the same time, I want to be as honest about how I feel as possible.