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I want to go back to write, but my brain refuses to... i try but only fog and static electricity fill my mind, everything is blurry, but i want to do something, but nothing happen and it's fucking painful, because i'm getting more frustrated... uuuugh ç_ç

#personal rumbling #delete later

I've just realized something - personal thoughts under the cut

Throughout my entire life I went through different stages. Let's called them: childhood, school years, after school, university and now.

During childhood I was still new, shaping. Parents had their problems, dad was an alcoholic, but overall I got a lot of love. Mom was always there for me, dad - even when he was drunk - always loved me, always wanted to play with me. The arguments between mom and dad are not in my memories, they were thrown away, but I'm aware of them. They were awful, but that didn't hurt me that much. You know, as a kid you don't know a lot of things. I've only realized the problems later, but it wasn't always a primary thing. Parents were always like: be yourself, keep smiling, be happy, do what you love, we won't force anything on you, we're not here for that, be free <3

Then came the school years and that literally teared everything I've mentioned above to pieces. School started shaping a different me and that's where the problems started. Bullying aside, because that's another topic, I started to think in a different way. Stopped myself from expressing any happiness, threw myself away, replacing her with a fake me who got me into many awful things - no addictions though, besides fictional addiction. I didn't know, but I was forced to become that someone just to meet expectations and not stand out too much to not be judge, you know what I mean. I felt caged in some way, that's when the fictional addiction appeared. I preferred to be in the fictional world, escaping from the real world, just to not be the fake person. Also that caused a lot of problems with me and my parents. I started to hate them, being on somehow good terms with mom, but I think I've never really got to know dad at that part of my life. Part of the problem was his job, but that aside, I've never really talked with him at that time. And so, I've lost myself.

And then came the after school time, where, not knowing who I am, being the fake person, I had to choose if I should go to university or to work. Decided to go to work, that ended up pretty badly so I went to university. Pandemic caused the fake person problem to grow bigger until one day where I've started talking with mom more, tried to talk with dad as well, ended a lot of toxic friendships and slowly realized that this fake person isn't really me, so I decided it's time for change.

This is the university years now. I've came back to music, came back to what I liked to do, what was the part of me that I've left at childhood, slowly taking the pieces and put them together, shaping myself again. All the ambitious that school tried to put on me faded away, I started thinking on my own, have my own opinion, make a path for myself. Actually, choosing the second degree was my own decision and even if this year SUCKED I still don't regret I signed myself for that degree.

Now, I'm happy. I have job practices and university library, literally loved the first week, I feel tired after it but satisfied because I've learned a lot. I am who I am and I love myself, but also my ambitions are simple: get a job I'll be happy to go to, keep the good relations with parents and spend as much time with them as possible, find a boyfriend and if not then I'll be alone - I won't force anyone to be with me and also I won't forcefully search for anyone because it's awful from my point of view, I would just make myself feel down if I ended up in a one-sided relationship again. I started to cherish what I have and I'm happy <3

#personal rumbling #but I wanted to get it out #talking corner

I started and deleted this damn fic in the last hour 3 damn times!!!! FUCK IT! *close the doc before deleting the 4th time*

#personal rumbling #delete later #lately i can do shit #i can't focus on anything #and everything I do is disgusting #ah so good #*throw herself out of the window*

It looks like my brain goes from completely dead, into over ride... how can I stop it? Now I have 3 project going on at the same time... 1 geraskier fic old af, that I found in my draft and I’m back on working on, 1 zolu fic (hello I’m doing it my first fic for this ship, dunno whats’ coming out) and 3 a damn drawing I started 6 month ago and never finished... and now I’m scribbling stupid shit on a notebook? send help

#about me #personal rumbling #i can't deal with my brain anymore #geraskier #zolu #way too much all together #*deep sigh*#and i know that in a few days i'm going back to dead #buuuuuuh

I need to scream to someone about OPLA because I'm having so many emotion, and I didn't feel so excited for a show from like a really long time, and all this interview with the cast are not helping at all. Also all the behind the scene photo, all of them!!!

THEY LOOK ALL SO GOOD AND PERFECT 😭

And now the ost... aaaaaaaaaaw ❤️❤️❤️

#personal rumbling #one piece live action

I DID IT!!!! my first fic for ZoLu is complete, now... I just need to read it at last other 10 to 20 times, going to crush my head against a wall trying to not to delete everything and maybe post that *point finger at google doc*

#personal rumbling #hiiiiii #and bye