Grieving the Loss of Virginity
Although it's a bit personal, I feel that it truly is important for me to come to terms with and acknowledge the fact that, this year, I lost my virginity.
I always knew it would be hard for me to accept. I never had much interest in having intercourse and quite frankly, I fully intended to never do so.
Thankfully, however, I can say that it was my choice to have intercourse, and I do love the person I had given it to. I am still trying to forgive myself though.
Honestly, I hate even more to admit this, but I feel like I was partly guilted into giving myself to them. I'm still a bit angry with myself for having given in so easily. But I made the active decision to do so.
Besides, now I know for an absolute fact that I am asexual and never wish to have intercourse again. But honestly, who knows; I may do it again, and that's okay.
I think part of my issue is that I'm low-key traumatised by purity culture.
I honestly feel ashamed for having had sex. The first times I did it, I hated myself afterwards.
My cousin (who is like an older sister to me), was so supportive and has even scheduled an appointment for me to be tested (just to be extra sure), but I feel disgusted with myself and absolutely terrified to go to the appointment.
I have to keep reminding myself: "I am still me", "I still belong to myself", and "It is nobody's business what I do with my body".
But it's really difficult. It's difficult to forgive myself; it's difficult to believe that my life is still my own; it's difficult to feel like I deserve to be happy and treated with respect.
It's even more so disappointing, because the goddess I connect and work with the most is Hestia (a virgin goddess). But I know she's not upset with me. Just because I'm not exactly like her, doesn't mean I don't continue to uphold her values of hospitality and tending to the hearth (metaphorically speaking).
I am still me. My identity is not tied to my body.
