#personalalx

[thehomiealx]

may 20 11:35pm

Completed my freshman year college with a 3.6 GPA. I’m fairly proud of myself. 2nd semester life changed a lot. I lost my group of “friends” and it sucked bc 1 was my roommate so I had to see her and them hanging out in our room and it was just like mad annoying. + my boyfriend wasn’t around as much. I felt very lonely and it was hard trying to keep my focus in so many places that seemed to be constantly pulling against each other. BUT I got through it. I have a pretty solid group of people that I am more than satisfied with. I am a proud woman of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Incorporated as of April 17, 2016.. a day I will never  ever ever ever ever forget. Never thought I’d be so proud to wear three letters across my chest. That experience alone... one I’ll treasure for a lifetime. Oh and my boyfriend is an Alpha.. we cute :) but seriously I would’ve never expected my life to be at this peek during this point in my life but I’m forever grateful for it. Everything has been happening so fast and so consistently that I’m just now getting back to a point where I can breathe and truly take it all in. I thank God for having a plan and direction for my life, especially when I was so blind to it. I can see now and wow, it’s a beautiful sight. 

The week I came home from college my aunt died and the next week another did. Both of these women were close to my grandmother so they hold a special place in my heart. I remember the night my grandma left us and being embraced by my Aunt Red (rip) and how much love I felt in her arms. And Aunt Helena, I remember how you were at the house in a matter of five minutes and the automatic comfort of your presence. I’ll cherish you both always. To have experienced your love and care.. to have witnessed love in such an unconditional form.. I have only God to thank for that. 

[thehomiealx]

For so long I’ve loved inside the picture. And only when I saw myself in it. I’m learning now though that truly loving someone is caring,.. and is caring about them (and not just the them that involves you). Challenging myself to see others as people who exist outside of my direct relationship with was a thought I’d never considered. probably because so often we confine people to our own little worlds that show and say that our existences only matter when intertwined, but I’m trying so hard to love you in a world that exists outside of mine. it’s hard as hell because that means wanting better for you even when it’s a disadvantage to me.. even when I can’t matter. 

I’m learning to be okay with that though. I’m learning to love outside the lines. Hope I’m doing ok. 

[thehomiealx]

Growth is so funny. To notice the evolution of yourself is crazy. I’ve been reading this book called The Mastery of Love and its really been teaching me a lot. I point out my growth as a person to myself a lot.. just a gentle reminder. And like, lately I’ve been getting to know this guy and we’ve had our moments like every “couple” does.. well at least I have. It’s been shaky ground because I am so so guarded but I’m learning to be open and transparent. so putting myself in a place of vulnerability is hard.. it’s like I’m looking for something to be wrong whenever everything is fine. Just breathe. Just enjoy. Everything is fine. But the book talks about how we can’t look for security and safety and love in others. It already has to be in us. We have to know it for ourselves. I’ll be in a situation, in my feelings, and stop and think like... I’m trippin’. I’m thankful I can notice lol. It just sucks being in the in between. 

[thehomiealx]

Fear exists in so many places. In a way, I think it’s healthy. Partially bc I am so afraid right now. You know how after a few times of a type of bad situation keep recurring when it goes right you know it can’t be true. That’s so me right now. I’ve never ever had this feeling in my entire life. And just to look back and see that I’m even allowing myself to be in this place brings me to tears. I feel like I always bring up “this time last year” but you gotta realize my growth. I gotta see it, too. The constant reminder is simply a testament to how far I’ve come and will continue to go. 

It’s important to me 

That you know you are free

‘Cause I never want to make you change

for me

- “Hello” x Erykah Badu ft. Andre 3000

[thehomiealx]

I’m 19 today. I’ve never felt so blessed in my life. Thinking back on this time last year I was headed into a dark place. I was neglecting all the life that I so desperately needed. I lost people to death, I lost people to life. I couldn’t grasp the fact that all the things happening in my life were ordained by the Father to get me to this point. I was extremely caught up in this validation that I thought I needed from certain people. I wanted them to love me. I wanted them to like me. I was being a better friend to people who didn’t care about me then I was being to myself. The people I considered friends weren’t building me up. They were taking so much from me, or rather I was giving so much to them that they didn’t deserve. And I couldn’t let go because in my mind they were what made me feel comfortable, even in the sadness and pain and hurt, I was comfortable in all of it. I was trying not to move with life when I knew that life was moving me. I was never supposed to be in that place. I wasn’t built up to stay down. And when I learned to just let life happen... to let people in..to let people go... when I learned that you can’t control the wind, I learned to live. so when I finally dropped all that baggage and picked up everything that’s was destined for me.. lol I’ve never been so happy. I’ve met people who genuinely fuck with me. just because they fuck with me. And granted they’re mostly adults but I cannot even put into words how grateful I am. I give to them and they give to me.. because they want to!!! not because I’m forcing them or begging them but because they want to.. that’s so blessed. that’s so love. I’ve gotten to do so many cool things and meet so many outrageously dope people. I know that I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I would not change a thing. And I say that honestly. I’m in such a space for encouraged growth. It’s amazing. To think I didn’t believe God knew what He was doing but he brought me right where I’m supposed to be, and being able to recognize that... that’s the best thing. I’ve truly learned to trust the Creator because He got me. Like, the past few days I’ve just woken up with the thought.. “This is the day the Lord has made”.. think about that!! like wow it makes me wanna cry. it’s such a blessing to be a live!!!! I’m so excited to embark on this new year. but 18 has taught me so much and I’m so grateful for it. I’ve learned to value everything, my family, my friends, my self, so much more. ‘cause nobody has to do anything for you, it’s their choice and their being willing to give you love,to shed on you any type of light is so decent. And for those who don't (couldn’t forget).. just love them! seriously, it will reward you more than you could ever imagine. And I’ve learned that, that doesn’t mean you gotta continue to force yourself on them but if you truly love someone, do what’s best for them!! be what’s best for them.. and that may be being nonexistent in their life and that’s totally okay. To everything there is a season... this is mine.

[thehomiealx]

so I met this guy this weekend, we worked together. And I saw him again today. It was really nice ‘cause like he wanted to show me stuff on the turn tables and like just took the time to explain it to me, and asked me my favorite color, and offered me cookies, and drew me a picture and lost to me in like 4 games of tic tac toe. And just had conversation. He was present with me. I haven’t had that on that level in a long time. It was nothing and everything. I needed that. It like renewed my hope in man (men) lol.. When I was contemplating compromise, that showed me all the reasons I don’t have to. Like there are people who want to be present with you, in this moment. They want to be presents to you, of love and life and happiness. You ain’t gotta give into anything less than that. You ain’t gotta give yourself to anything less than that. 

[thehomiealx]

I didn’t fall in love this summer.. but instead found myself in this friendship that brought things out of me I never knew existed. Being around you so consistently, every day, made me comfortable. I wasn’t always but now I am. Maybe a little more than I should be but you gave me that. Summer’s over now and I know our paths won’t cross as much anymore and by next month it’ll probably all just a memory. I asked if I should be mentally preparing to not talk to you anymore. You laughed so I know what that means. 

And I really can’t finish this bc I don’t feel like thinking about it anymore. goodnight

[thehomiealx]

I think honest self assessment is great. Like to be able to look yourself in the mirror and speak truth to yourself, whether negative or positive AND THEN turn around speak some light to yourself. There are certain things I know I’m not ready for right now and certain places I cannot afford to let myself go. It’ll ruin everything I’ve worked for. So I’m striving to put myself in positions where I can grow to a greater sense of love, a greater sense of peace, a greater sense of understanding...... a greater sense of life. It’s funny bc I feel I’m actually beginning to find out what living really is and I’m not sure if I was doing it before.