How does DOUBT control us?
Hello, welcome to my tumblr page. I'm new here and to be quite honest, I am new to blogging so I have no idea where to start or really how to begin. I just know that I woke up this morning feeling like I had to write or insert some feelings into a blank piece, whether it be on paper or on my computer.
So today's topic is something that I've been contemplating on for quite some time. "SELF DOUBT". My only problem was, I never accepted that it was more of an issue/habit that I've had for so long. So to begin with this topic... I guess I should explain a little bit of where I come from.
My name is Amy, and I am a single mother of a little girl (6), divorced for 4 years now, but happily engaged with my next partner, John. He has two children of his own. I met him shortly after my divorce. Together, we are a blended family. John and I both come from a life where we had to endure a lot of trauma. John's ACE score happens to be a 9 out of 10. My ACE score is a 6 out of 10. And if you don't know what the ACE score is, it stands for Adverse Child Experiences. Once you take the test, it helps you understand how your experiences from childhood could effect your life as an adult. Below you can find the link for this test:
https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/03/02/387007941/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean
Rewinding back a bit more.... besides my trauma, I also had a family that was unsupportive. I have a pretty large family. 3 sisters, 2 brothers, and a mom and dad. I've felt the strain that I was a complete failure and maybe even the BLACK SHEEP of my family for awhile. I fought so many times to get the validation I needed from my mother and father. However; they didn't ever fully support me, or at least how I needed them to. Sure, they provided the necessities that I needed in life like a home to live in, car to drive in, meals and so on. But I never felt like there was much encouragement, emotional support, let alone love. There was never any hugs (unless I reached for it, but it became a pat instead of a full hard on hug), not much of any I love you's, or anything along those lines. Just a lot of "expectations" basically. I was always told that I was wrong or doing things the wrong way. Always told I would never be able to do things like my siblings have been able to. I constantly felt tugged and pulled and never felt like I was ENOUGH. They made me feel like it was my fault, and for so long I blamed myself. I stopped having confidence in me (sad, balling my eyes out at this point). I felt knocked down so many times by my family, I actually stopped counting and started to rebel. I started to have bad relationships with men, chose bad activities to do, fell into drugs, and of course by the time I turned 18, my parents and I got into a huge fight. I packed up and left and shortly after that I was forced (culturally) to marry my ex-husband. After marrying him, I moved to CA and was very depressed and sad. I gained A LOT of weight and continued to suffer mentally and physically.
Fast forward to now... On Monday night, John and I, we didn't argue but it was more of a sense that we both needed space. Maybe myself more than him. We ended up sleeping in different rooms. The next day, I said some words via text to him without even knowing I had hurt him. My words were asking him to see if he really wanted to be with me and that maybe we need to be alone. That night after our kids went to bed, we talked. He told me that he was very hurt and not happy that I doubt our relationship every time we get sad or upset. He said to me, "if you had a partner who doubted your relationship all the time, how would you feel?" He said, every time we fought, I always threw in the white towel and was ready to walk out (this was true). I, of course, right there and then realized that I was causing pain and mischief to our relationship. Obviously, I would not like a partner to doubt me. I've been doubted all my life by people I thought loved me. (sad) He continued on talking to me but I had already shut down. Buried under my large blanket, I was ready to close my eyes, sob until I fell into a deep sleep. I didn't. I remained in one piece and laid there silently. I thought John was going to leave me again and sleep out in the living room, but he did not. Instead, he came to lay next to me and held me close.
So..... what have I learned out of this you may ask? As much as I hate to admit it.... doubt gives power to negative thinking. Once you start to doubt something, your mind will spiral and continue to feed into that doubt. I doubted a lot and didn't realize this was becoming a habit. Not until last night when my partner mentioned it to me. It felt like I was smashed right into a huge brick wall. It really hurt. But it was a good causing pain. Because it taught me that for once, I have found someone who TRULY loves me inside and out, up and down, and all around. Someone who emotionally supports me, talks to me, holds me close and loves me unconditionally. I DID NOT WANT TO LOSE THIS. I knew it and I knew waking up this morning I needed to start fixing the little girl who's been in pain for so long.
To anyone who is struggling with a sense of failure to life, anyone who doubts everything that seems scary or unforeseen, just remember and keep this one thing in mind, DOUBTING is not a safe option for you! I thought it made me feel safe, but really it is inhibiting my personal growth as an individual and growth in my relationship with my spouse/children.
I read an article on how to overcome my habits with doubting situations, I'd like to share these simple strategies with you in hopes it can help you also!
Simple Life Strategies: 5 Ways to Crush Doubt
1. Awareness. The first step is to make a decision today to become more aware of when those doubts are popping up.
2. Interrupt the doubt. Next time you catch yourself doubting your own abilities, interrupt your own thought process and acknowledge the doubt (you could say to yourself – “is that a doubtful thought I’m having there?”)
3. Question the validity of the thought. Ask yourself “Is that thought a fact? Or is it unfounded?”
4. Are you looking for safety? Check in to see if the thought is leading you to take the ‘safe option’ or does it inspire you to try something new?
5. Take control. Remind yourself that we have over 70,000 thoughts every single day – and that it’s your choice today if you listen to this doubtful thought or not.
Last but not least.....
I honestly said to myself when I was younger that I am not going to be the kind of parents my parents were. I was going to be someone I needed when I was younger. So today........ I'm throwing that word "DOUBT" out the window. I want nothing to do with it anymore.
Thank you for reading my blog.. comments any or all are ok.
Sincerely,
Broken hearted woman.
