It's been a long time since I've taken a moment to just write like this.
I recently got my first car. I'm really proud of it. It's not perfect, it's a bit old. but it's mine. And what i wanted most was freedom : to move, to travel, to breathe a little more.
At the same time, I've been struggling with being on time for work. Not beacause i don't care but because i'm honestly doing my best, and sometimes it just feels like too much.
The other day, i was rushing so much to be on time that my car slipped on the road. For a second, i lost control. I held the weel and just thouht "nothing is going to happen to me" and it didn't. The car stabilized. I stopped on the side of the road. A woman stopped to check on me. And I just sat there, a bit shaken... and honesttly ashamed too.
Ashamed of being late. ashamed of trying so hard and still feeling like it's not enough.
But at the same time, I'm aware of everything i'm carrying right now.
I moved to a new place, started from nothing. i'm working as a teacher. i'm doing a PdD. and i'm building my own projects, the ones that actually make me feel alive.
Sometime it feels like i'm living three lives at once.
And yes, sometimes i feel alone. Like i'm the only one struggling like this. But i also know that istn't true. people just don't always say it.
I also had to change my phone recently after five years. It felt strangly symbolic, like a reset, like a new cycle opening.
I'm learning that things don't always come in the perfect form we imagine. We think we will receive the "best of the best", especially after going through difficult times. but sometimes what we receive is simply what we nned to keep going. .. And maybe it's enough .
I'm doing my best. truly.
Writting this to remember this moment
