TW: panic attacks, physical stress reactions
TW: use of the word "Daddy"
Thaat wasn’t what the text said, of course. Not on Tony’s main phone. A phrase like that
THAT kind of talk only happened on a different device. And Tony wouldn't be looking for messages from Pete on THAT device until tonight. Tony’s main phone, an SI prototype, was supposed to be unhackable. But that, of course, just made it a target. That’s why they kept that kind of talk on the special phone.
What Peter DID sent Tony on his main phone was in code.
Tony blinked at the four letters on his phone. No one should have been able to text him during THIS meeting. But Peter’s number was different. Peter seemed to need something. But it could probably wait…
Tony stood up, took his briefcase, and left the meeting.
There would be hell to pay later - Pepper’s eyes were daggers - but “Daddy I Need You” was one of the safe words. Safe phrases, really. It meant important business. NOT arms-dealer-shipment-ship-cut-in-two business. Not Avenger business. It meant Peter business.
Usually, the kind you couldn’t really talk about with the lights on. With your clothes on. THAT kind of business.
Normally safety words were to make the intimacy STOP, but Peter had Tony had realized early on, they were anything but Normal. That’s why they had an entire Safety Lexicon - things they could say that would stop ALL conversation or action and bring attention to the problem at hand. Tony had just never received that phrase in a TEXT before. His brain raced as he tried to find a private place to have the private conversation. This wasn’t Avenger guinness - Peter SHOULDN’T be involved in Avenger business.
Peter was SUPPOSED to be preparing for his last final. His FINAL final - the very last lest he would take before officially have enough credits to graduate. He wouldn’t GRADUATE graduate until the end of the term, of course - thus Tony scheduling these back-to-back meeting on the other side of the country. When Peter’s graduation ceremony happened in May, Tony would be there, along with a huge cheering section, ready to paint the whole Columbia campus red. Hot Rod red. That’s why Tony was spending December in LA, leaving his young lover alone. Peter was using his entire Penthouse as a study-space for these last few credits. They weren’t even HARD credits, just technicality-credits. Classes he could breeze through and test out early, things he needed to officially get the first degree.
So why was Peter needing him now?
Finally Tony found a small room with a door he could close to have the conversation. From his briefcase pulled out a special pair of glasses - another SI prototype that the world+ wouldn't see the market for another 5 years or so. He switched them on and started talking.
“Hey Bambino, what's wrong? Talk to me.”
There was a moment’s pause. Then, much to Tony’s surprise, another text.
“I’m here, angel. What’s wrong?” Tony said, trying not to sound impatient. Peter KNEW how important these meetings were. This time Tony and Pepper were investing in LA were necessary to free Tony’s schedule for the next several months. They had PLANNED it this way - planned for Tony to be gone so Peter could focus on his last finals. Planned on Tony and Pepper camping out in LA to wrap up all their business dealings in one fell swoop before Tony took a leave of absence from the company. All so he could spend more time with Peter. That had been the PLAN. Why was Peter screwing with the plan now?
There was a long pause. A pause Tony didn’t like. There were times Peter “needed” him, like when he was feeling melancholy over the death of his uncle. Then there were times Peter “needed” him as in a ferry full of people had split in half and he couldn’t physically keep the entire ship together by brute strength alone.
He tried a different strategy. Using the holoscreen available with the glasses, he pulled up a keyboard and started typing.
//Daddy’s here, bambino. Tell me what’s happening.//
//I’m scared Daddy// was the immediate reply.
That made Tony blink. Scared?! His Uncanny Spiderman? The one with radioactive blood? The kid who clung to and entered an alien ship after he had SPECIFICALLY ordered the kid to return to earth?? The kid who had saved the life of Dr. Strange with his arcane movie knowledge and his willingness to risk being sucked out of a space ship into instant death? Already Tony’s mind was calculating how long it would take to get from LA to New York if he suited up and took off from on top of the building they were in right now.
//Talk to me, baby. Tell Daddy’s what’s wrong.//
//The last test. Differential Equations. I’m done.//
//That’s good, isn’t it?//
//I don’t know what’s wrong my hearts hammering and I//
Tony watched the words appear on the screen. Then he watched Peter delete them. He waited patiently as Peter struggled to put it all into words.
//Concrete is hard to breathe//
Tony’s brow furrowed as he tried to translate the line even as Peter deleted it. Finally Peter settled on a sentence that summed it up perfectly.
Tony took off the glasses. He held them a few inches in front of his face, activating the camera. He spoke.
“Peter, you’re having a panic attack,” he said calmly. “Turn on your camera and talk to me.”
Tony took a deep breath and tried again.
“BABY, be a good boy and activate the camera now. Don’t tell Daddy no.”
“Why would Daddy be mad? Bambino, Daddy knows a lot more about panic attacks than you do. I promise I won’t get mad, but you're going to be a good boy now and do what Daddy says. Activate your camera now. Don’t make me count to three.
The audio came on before the visual. Tony could hear Peter sniffle. Then the image appeared.
“Oh, angel,” Tony said softly, licking his lips automatically. “Why do you have on your pretty clothes?”
“I don’t know,” Peter said in a tiny voice, sniffling again.
He wore his pretty pink collar with the silver heart in the center. His pale chest was bare except for the delicate white “harness” Tony had bought for him, made entirely of heart-shaped fabric. He had his pink fan in one hand, but he was hugging it to himself.
“I thought they would make me feel better.”
“A little. I was going to take a picture for you and save it for later, but I couldn’t…”
He sniffled again, and Tony knew all he needed to know. Peter had tried to calm down and put on a cheerful face. To make himself feel better. But when he found he couldn’t calm himself down, it only made everything worse. Until finally Peter had to call for help.
“Alright sweet angel, you’re with Daddy now,” Tony said calmly. Firmly. “I’m going to put my hand on your chest now - is this where it feels funny?”
“Is your heart pounding?”
“It's been going on for hours now.”
“Oh baby, that sounds miserable.”
“I was suited up so I swung around the tower forever but I couldn't make it stop. “I came inside and took a shower but it just keeps going. And I thought… I thought…”
“You thought getting dressed in your pretty clothes might help? It’s okay, angel. Daddy’s going to rub your chest for a while and try to make you feel better. Can you tell me what concrete breathing means?”
Tears formed in Peter’s eyes.
“It’s okay, bambino. Daddy’s got you. Just help me understand.”
He sobbed and tried to catch his breath enough to speak.
“I told you about how Tooms dropped a building on me once…”
“Yes, but that was ages ago. Way back when you were in high school. Why are we talking about concrete now?”
“That’s what it feels like… I can’t…” He demonstrated, trying to take a deep breath, panting and moaning when he failed. “I try to breathe but nothing… it feels like I’m breathing concrete dust. I can feel it in my throat. I think I’ve been poisoned Tony…”
“Shhhhh angel, you haven’t been poisoned - mean you HAVE. That’s adrenaline surging through your system - angel you're a superhero, and you have superhero adrenaline poisoning you right now. That feels EXACTLY like breathing concrete dust. Your throat hurts because every muscle in your body is tense. You can't take a deep breath because your lungs are trying to take shallow breaths to send enough oxygen to your muscles. You’re whole body is ready to run, but there’s no where to run to.
“But Daddy’s got you. Daddy’s going to hold you very close, cand rock you back and forth. I’m even going to get a blanket. And get you under it. Daddy’s going to rub the back of your neck and see if that helps. Maybe I'll get Baby some cold ice cream for your throat…”
There was silence for a moment. Dammit this wasn’t working. Tony needed to be there, on the other other side of the country. Maybe if he…
“Will you feed it to me?”
Peter’s voice was so tiny it took a moment to understand what he had said. Then Tony understood, and smiled.
“Of course I’m going to feed it to you.”
“Of course Daddy is… wait…” Tony was all grins now. “Ii thought baby didn’t like it when I spoon-fed him before bed.”
“I thin kI might like it noghit, Daddy.”
Okay then bambino, you’re th eboss. Now tell Daddy what happened . Did something go wrong with your final?
“No, it was so easy,” Peter said, his voice choking with emotion. “And I was way over prepared, just like you said I was. And it’s done. And everything was going fine, and I had said goodbye to everybody, but then, just out of nowhere,
It hit yuou. Youre done, Peter. You have your first degree in math from Columbia university. You graduated in record time. You didn’t bet MY record, obvious… but if you did you’d still be a minor and we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
“But it should feel good!!” Peter bleated out, sitting up for the first time, leaning into the holoscreen towards Tony’s face. As if Tony were there (where he should be.) As if Tony could hold him (as he should do.)
“Shouldn’t it feel good!? To graduate?!”
He broke out in fresh sobs, looking around him in terror, struggling to breathe.
Tony waited for the moment to pass. Then, he spoke.
“Peter, look at me.” He didn’t speak until he was obeyed. “Come on, look at Daddy now. You can do it…”
Finally, Peter’s eyes met his.
It wasn’t easy, looking into Peter’s tear-stained eyes, but he did it. He leaned forward and he spoke.
“I don’t remember graduating, bambino. I know there was a ceremony, because there are pictures. Bu tI have no memory of it. I went out with my friends that night and got black out drunk and woke up in rehab.”
He watched Peter blink and sat back in satisfaction. “You didn’t read about that in your Tony Stark Research, did you bambi? Obediah was pretty good at keeping things like that under wraps.
“Now you listen to me, little mister. You know I’ve always admired you, the way you just tackle life without benefit of alcohol or substances, just raw-dogging it through sheer force of will. But right now, I’m going to send Friday a selection of wine from the rack and Dum-E is going to deliver it to the bathroom. I want you to draw yourself a very hot bath…”
“But I can’t get drunk, Daddy. You know it doesn’t take…”
“But it tastes good, baby. That’s all you can do right now, is try to feel good in your body until your superhero adrenaline leaves you in peace. Is there any ice cream left in the fridge? I’d order you some chocolate-covered strawberries, but then someone would have to deliver it…”
“You could have the delivery person just put it in the special elevator, then push the button, and step out. Or someone could stand in the elevator and then just hand it to Dum-E…”
“If I do that, will you be in the bathtub, baby? I want you to make it really hot, with lots of bubbles. Make it just as hot as you can stand it. You’re going to…”
He took a deep breath and tried to speak as calmly as possible.
“You’re going to crash, baby. There’s no stopping it. So now your job is to find the softest place to land possible…”
“I’m scared, Tony…” Peter said, his breath hitching again.
“Of crashing. I don’t know what it feels like.”
“It feels like this, angel. It feels just like this. This is the worst of it, Peter. Now all you have to do is wait it out. Wait till it gets better. And it does get better, Pete. I promise.
“Now, what are you going to do?”
Peter took a deep breath and straightened his shoulders. He shook his head a little.
Then he looked down at himself. He grinned a little, as if remembering, for the first time, what he was wearing.
He opened up his pink fan and held it over his chest.
“I’m going to ask what Daddy is going to do to me when he gets home.”
“That’s not what Daddy said to… oh…” Tony grinned. He had ordered Peter into a hot bubble bath and, well? Tony knew what Peter liked to think about when he was bathing alone.
“Okay, well, what do you want Daddy to do to you first?” “I want you to - well not at first - but… I want you to put me up against the headboard. On my knees. Facing the wall.”
“Oh… oh that sounds very nice, baby. But what is Daddy going to do first?”
“Oh, first you’re going to tell me to put on my pretty clothes. And then you’re going to tell me to take off my pretty clothes…” He touched the silver heart on his kitten collar, playing with it. Tony’s heart swelled with pride. THIS had been Peter’s plan from the beginning - to put on his special clothes and think of Tony. Tony who would certainly take care of him in his hour of need… even if he shed some tears along the way.
“All right then, angel. So after the pretty clothes come off, and then you’re facing the wall right up against the headboard, with your hands on the wall? Do you like it like that, baby? And then what does Daddy do to you?”
“I like it when you kiss my face and scrape your chin against my neck and ear and… and I like it when you say ‘Daddy needs to be inside you.’ I like it when you’re so far gone you growl it…”
“You're a liar. Daddy never growls,” he said, his voice failing him. He had to regain his composure, and soon. He had to walk away from this conversation and walk back into a meeting. There were millions of dollars on the line…
“You do growl it, Daddy. And then your whole body shivers and you sink your teeth into my shoulder…”
“Will you say it when you get back, Daddy?” Peter asked now in his perfect “kitten” voice. He was wiping the tears from his eyes.
“Say what, baby?” Tony managed.
“Say, ‘Daddy needs to be inside you?’”
Tony took a deep breath, squaring his shoulders. He shook himself a little and then, staring straight into the camera, into Peter’s eyes, he spoke.
“This is what you’re going to do, angel. You’re going to find the biggest mirror in the penthouse, and you're going to make a nice, soft pallet in front of it. You’re going to be on your knees there, so use lots of blankets, and make it soft.”
“Oh, because Daddy is going to be done with these meetings sooner than you think. And when I get home, I’m going to put you right on that pallet, right in front of that mirror. And do you know what I’m going to do to you then, baby?”
“Are you going to make me show you my pretty clothes?” Peter asked. He had his pink fan open and covering his chest. He lowered it now, using the slender fingers of his other hand to play over the hearts that made up his soft harness.
“Oh no, baby. Daddy’s going to fuck you right in front of that mirror.
“And then Daddy’s going to make you watch.”
