#phaithfulphysician

[collectivestuck-blog]

48

-- phaithfulPhysician [PP] began badgering equineEngineer [EE] --

PP: I think that should be high enough to reach the gate. EE: lemme see EE: ooo! EE: yeah that looks great! :) PP: Give it a test. I’m not sure how structurally sound it is.

--

You finish brushing Marie’s hair and approach the spiral staircase Liz made. All the stairs are embedded around a column, stretching all the way up to the enormous portal in the air. You lean your weight onto the first few stairs, and it holds. Liz has better architectural skill than she admits.

--

EE: its perfect! PP: And you know where this will take you?

--

You peer into the folds of paradox space. In another timeline, a version of you describes the nature of the Gates. You repeat her explanation.

--

EE: yeah EE: its like halfway across my planet EE: close to the atomic cymbal PP: What is that?

--

Your temporal sight again shows you the answer.

--

EE: in case we fuck up really badly EE: it lets us reset everything EE: but like everything everything EE: so we probably shouldnt do that X\ PP: Pardon my interruption, but where are you getting this information? PP: I was under the impression your sprite didn’t talk. EE: yeah maries quiet :/ EE: im seeing it from other mes EE: i think its part of being a seer EE: i can look at all the alternate timelines and see what other versions of us do PP: Oh my. PP: That sounds useful, if rather disturbing. PP: How much information can you gleam from this? It would be nice to know what we should and shouldn’t do. EE: its kind of hard EE: all of the other versions of us are from doomed timelines EE: so i can see what they do but its not a good idea for us to do it PP: Doomed timelines? EE: yeah :( EE: theres only one alpha timeline and thats us PP: So there are alternate parallel versions of us that are doomed to… failure and misery, I assume, merely because they aren’t us? EE: yeah EE: it really sucks PP: There must be something we can do. EE: no EE: thats what dooms some of them EE: they say not to worry though EE: things will be okay for them EE: the important thing is that you and i do what we have to do PP: …I refuse. PP: I will not give up on them so easily. PP: But I won’t push the issue now. PP: So go ahead and enter the gate. I’ll find you on the other side.

--

You stare through the multiverse. Some versions of you attempt to climb the stairs, which collapse and leave those yous plummeting to horrible deaths. Others are suddenly attacked by enormous GRASS OGRES, and the strife turns terrible. If you focus, you can tune out the ones who fail right now and see just the ones whose deaths come later. All of this disaster is kind of depressing, so you shut out your infinite sight.

Your ascent is unremarkable. No horrors assail you, no tragedy befalls you, no misfortune awaits you. At the top of the stairs, you step through the gate.

It deposits you on a hill overlooking a vast plain. At its center is the Atomic Cymbal, the construct used for performing a scratch. Its brass surface stands in stark contrast to the grassy fields around it. The herds grazing and galloping across the landscape stay far clear of it. Something that powerful deserves fear and respect.

You take one last look through your other selves, searching for any who might cause a scratch. There are some there – in the infinity of paradox space, you can find a version of yourself that does almost anything. Sifting through the visions, you find them. Every one working with Greg and Steve to reset the universe after terrible failure, and every one falling to the hordes that appear at the threat of a scratch. The Incipisphere resists the attempt with everything it has, and you’re never strong enough to stop it.

You’d better not fuck up, then.

[collectivestuck-blog]

45

You decide to take a rest on a nearby pew. Walking across your planet is a tall order, and the bell your quest demands you ring never seems to get any closer. All the fireplaces may give the place a cozy feel, but it’s not great for making a long journey comfortable. At least word of your pilgrimage has travelled, and your mouse friends have scurried out of their holes to offer you supplies. The only payment they accept is readings of scripture; you don’t know that they fully understand the words you speak, but they certainly seem happy to hear them.

Which is more than you can say for the imps you’ve encountered. On a lark, you tried converting one through the Word rather than the book. It lasted through four verses before clamping its hands over its ears (you think; it’s hard to tell how weird carapace creatures hear) and begging you to go away. You had to put the poor thing out of its misery.

You take a sip from the canteen that Duchess Margaretta Alderdice generously donated to your cause. There haven’t been any rivers or lakes that you have seen to provide water to these blessed creatures, but you certainly won’t turn down such a thoughtful gift. They show true compassion, and your heart swells to think of how wonderful everyone has been.

Then you receive a message.

-- equineEngineer [EE] began badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] –

EE: liz :’( PP: Oh dear. What happened, Tiff? EE: i yelled at greg for being a jerk EE: and now im not talking to him PP: I see. EE: im just so mad!! EE: why does he have to be so difficult PP: I’m afraid that’s just Greg. EE: i was kind of looking forward to doing all this with him EE: maybe get a chance to be alone EE: but then it turns out he put steve in real danger! EE: and i just want to smack him! PP: Let me guess. He said something about making Steve face his fears to become a better person. EE: something like that EE: he cant just be a normal cute smart guy PP: You’ve already heard my thoughts on the matter. EE: you and your freudian excuses PP: I don’t think this technically falls under Freud’s theories. EE: whatever EE: just ugh EE: i think im going to let him sit for a while EE: you and i can do stuff instead

--

You have been rather negligent in your server duties. Come to think of it, your server hasn’t helped you either. Everyone else has been so busy with their own problems that you’ve been kind of forgotten. Not that you’re complaining, of course; you’re more than capable of keeping yourself busy, and you’d rather they handle their affairs than trouble themselves with you.

Oh dear. And this is why.

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] –

AA: Liz. I know you’re talking to Tiffany. PP: Just drop it, Greg. PP: I’ve already heard it, and I happen to agree with her. Your behavior, as always, was deplorable. AA: You’ve heard what Tiffany said Steve said. PP: Do you deny making him climb a fifty story ladder without help or safety measures? AA: It’s not that simple. PP: Isn’t it? PP: We all have Slopbox now. We can share grist. Resources aren’t a constraint. AA: It was efficient timewise as well. PP: So is a ramp. But you didn’t build him a ramp, did you. AA: It was all I could think of in a hurry. PP: First, you weren’t in a real hurry. There was no ticking clock saying you had to get Steve through the gate immediately. You wanted to brush him off quickly so you could go back to flirting with Tiffany. PP: More importantly, I know you can think better than that. You know you can think better than that. PP: You wanted to see Steve in danger because it makes you feel good. AA: It was for his own benefit! PP: How many times do you have to say that before it becomes true? AA: He needs to be challenged so he can see that he’s capable of more than he shows. Without a firm push, he just languishes and makes himself look terrible. PP: And you are so concerned about that. PP: You don’t want Steve to look good. PP: Because if Steve is as good as you say, he’s smart, funny, charismatic, and most importantly, not some kind of sociopath. PP: And Tiffany won’t give you the time of day. AA: Look. Just tell her to unblock me so I can explain. PP: No, I don’t think I will, Greg. PP: In fact, I think that was the smartest thing she’s done since all this started. PP: You do need to just how unpleasant you can be. PP: So I’m going to follow suit. AA: You can’t do this! PP: It’s for your own benefit, Greg. PP: Think of it as a chance to grow.

-- phaithfulPhysician [PP] blocked audaciousArchitect [AA] --

You really shouldn’t be feeling this smug.

--

PP: I’m sorry about that, Tiff. PP: So. Let’s get to work on getting you through that gate.

--

[collectivestuck-blog]

33

-- equineEngineer [EE] began badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] –

EE: liz! PP: Tiffany! Are you ready? EE: liz my house is on fire! PP: Oh no. PP: Are you safe? EE: no! EE: MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE! PP: Okay. We’ll get you to safety. EE: HOW?! EE: greg was crushed by a meteor and my laptop exploded and now my house is on fire and there are meteors everywhere! EE: i dont know what to do! EE: i dont want to die! PP: It will be okay, Tiff. I’m going to rescue you, but I need your cooperation. EE: i dont understand! how is this stupid game going to help? PP: I don’t really understand either. But it does. PP: Greg and Steve are working on figuring out how this works. And they’re both waiting for you, worrying out of their minds. PP: We’ll get through this. Together. EE: …okay EE: what do i do? PP: I’ll walk you through it. Just keep calm. EE: umm PP: Right. House on fire. PP: Don’t panic more than you must.

[collectivestuck-blog]

30

You finish your first mouse Mass with a reading of scripture. It’s hard to tell how much they understood - at least a few are asleep, but that was true of the sermons back home too - but they at least seemed interested. They also have fantastic singing voices, even if they’re always in falsetto.

As you close your Bible, a chirp on your E-Reader alerts you that you have a new message.

-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] began badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] --

SS: Hey Liz. Are you there? PP: Yes, I am. I’m just finishing my first sermon. SS: You’re preaching? PP: Yes. I’m attempting to bring the Word to these misguided souls. SS: Huh. SS: Don’t take this the wrong way, but are you sure you want to do that? SS: James kind of implied that you were having a crisis of faith or something. PP: I’ll admit, this whole situation does seem to bend the teachings I’ve read. PP: But it’s times of darkness and despair that our faith must shine brightest. PP: I don’t know how this fits into His plan, but I trust that everything will come out right in the end. PP: And, to be fully honest, this little bit of structure has eased my mind considerably. SS: Well, if it helps, I guess go for it. SS: Anyway, can I ask you to give me a hand with a test? PP: Certainly. SS: I need the captcha code for the Totem Lathe and the Punch Designix. SS: Greg and I don’t have a Sylladex that hold something that big. PP: I understand. Give me just a moment.

--

You leave the pulpit and make your way back to your house. As you navigate between the pews, you give smiles and nods to your new congregation. They seem to be hovering around, none wanting to be the first to leave. This is, of course, proper Catholic behavior. Eventually, you’ll have to get them fine suits and gowns so they can impress each other with their impeccable fashion sense.

The crackles of the fires warm your spirit as you pass the mouseholes. This may not be entirely what you expected - okay, it’s nowhere in the same ballpark - but you’ll certainly make the most of it. As far as trials go, you could do far worse than a cozy place with gorgeous decor.

Something seems off as you step up to your front door. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but something has the hairs on your neck standing on end. There isn’t any sign of forced entry; you made sure to lock the door when you left so no imps would enter your home and cause trouble.

It hits you as you walk down the hall.

Your grandmother’s bedroom door is open.

Heart pounding, you creep up to the frame and peer inside. The television is still on, as it always is, displaying a soothing static. She can’t fall asleep without some white noise, so you set up an ancient TV set with a defunct antenna. It can never find a signal, making it perfect for her purposes.

You lean in further. Her favorite chair is empty save a few discarded blankets. The bed is similarly abandoned.

For a moment, your mind goes blank. Could she have awoken, come looking for you, and been abducted by imps?

No, you don’t think so. Something about this tranquil world seems safe. You make a mental note to ask one of the mice when you see them again.

The Totem Lathe and Punch Designix are simple enough to add to your Sylladex. Steve is right that you’re the only one who could carry something that large.

You use a special, very rare kind of Fetch Modus. All objects you captchalog are shuffled into your deck. The Prayer Modus operates using methodology that no one understands; indeed, it is very likely beyond human comprehension. When you want to retrieve something, you simply pray that you get it. Somehow, you always seem to draw exactly what you want. You can’t explain it; He moves in mysterious ways.

--

PP: Okay, Steve. I have both devices. SS: Can you give me the codes? PP: The Punch Designix is L229BxoG. PP: And the Totem Lathe is 1219FB64. PP: Let me double check that I typed those correctly. PP: Yes, those are correct. SS: Awesome, thanks! PP: If you don’t mind my asking, what do you need them for? SS: There’s a thing in the Phernalia Registry that lets you change the functions of the Alchemiter. SS: I think I can combine them and save some space. PP: I see. PP: That would be very useful. SS: ...Holy crap. It actually worked. SS: My Alchemiter now lets me just make things by punching in codes. SS: This is awesome! PP: Is there anything else that you could upgrade it with? PP: I’d check myself, but I don’t have access to that registry. SS: Oh, right. You haven’t connected to Tiffany yet. SS: Did you manage to get ahold of her? PP: Yes, I did. PP: When she connected to Greg, she noticed the meteor aimed at him. PP: She tried to grab it and redirect it, and her laptop caught fire. SS: Oh crap. Is she okay? PP: She is, but her laptop is utterly unusable. And it sounds like there are more meteors on their way. SS: CRUD! SS: What are we going to do? SS: We have to save her! PP: It took some convincing, but I was able to persuade her to try using her mother’s computer. I believe she’s downloading the game now. PP: She said she would give me a call when it was done. SS: Good. PP: Once she’s set up, I simply need to deploy the Cruxtruder, Totem Lathe, and Alchemiter, correct? PP: She can handle carving the Cruxore herself. SS: Apparently it’s called Cruxite. Or so Greg says. SS: I kind of want to keep calling it Cruxore just to spite him. SS: Plus it totally sounds better. PP: Steve, don’t be needlessly antagonistic. PP: And I happen to think Cruxite has a ring to it. SS: Ugh, whatever. SS: So Tiffany is definitely going to be okay? PP: Yes, I’m sure of it. SS: Good. PP: Now I’m afraid that I have urgent matters to solve. PP: My grandmother is missing. SS: She made it in with you? PP: Yes, I think so. She was in the house with me when it entered the Medium. SS: ...Oh. I’m glad to hear it. PP: ...Oh no. PP: Steve, was your mother home when you entered? SS: ... PP: Oh Steve. I’m so sorry. SS: Yeah. SS: I’m going to go see if I can do something with the upgraded Alchemiter.

-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] ceased badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] --

[collectivestuck-blog]

25

-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] began badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] –

SS: Hey Liz. Have you seen any creatures other than imps on your world? PP: Are you referring to the mice? They’re quite pleasant. SS: Mice? PP: Yes. Human-size bipedal mice. Do you not have them? SS: No, I don’t have any mice. SS: Ow! SS: I have stupid monkeys that keep throwing things at me. PP: Oh dear. Are you alright? SS: Ow! PP: According to my sprite, they are the consorts of each land. They have some purpose in our quest, though she isn’t at liberty to say precisely what. SS: Ow! That’s it! SS: I’ll be back.

-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] ceased badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] --

That doesn’t sound good. You look at your new companions, thankful that they seem to have refined manners. They chitter to each other in high-pitched voices. As you look around, you can see holes where they likely live.

The Land of Hymns and Hearths is a cozy place. Giant stone columns reach up higher than you can see, lifting up a sky that seems to be made of stained glass. Stretching out from your house are rows of walls covered in reverent carvings. You think you can make out images of yourself and your friends among them. Periodically the walls are split by enormous fireplaces, each full of roaring flames.

Your mouse companions have made their homes in cubbies over the fireplaces. They crawl out hesitantly, wide eyes fixed on you.

As a gesture of good will, you reach out and scratch the nearest one behind the ears. It makes a contented noise and wrinkles its nose. At this, the rest visibly relax. You decide to start giving them names.

A little while later, Madam Annette Ellingworth and Lord Bartholomew Castleton lead you along the main thoroughfare, squeaking back and forth. You give a friendly wave to Duke Neville Hallward and his fine lady before you stop in front of a large altar. Lord Castleton excitedly waves his paws at the inscriptions on its surface. You give them a close look. Six small planets orbit a very large one. There’s a seventh tucked right next to the large planet; it appears to have a small moon that’s… connected by a chain? How strange. Further out, there’s a ring of meteors, and beyond those another planet chained to a moon.

You circle the altar, absorbed in the carvings. These are definitely you and your friends, along with iconography you don’t quite understand. That’s clearly a heart, and that appears to be a sun and a gear. The symbol over your head is utterly foreign to you. These must be imps here, and these are definitely your new mouse friends. Everyone seems to be bowing down in worship of… a frog?

Oh dear. You seem to have stumbled across a strange mouse cult. Luckily, you are well prepared. Gripping your holy book tight, you turn to your new congregation.

Listen for the Word of God.

[collectivestuck-blog]

20

You’re sitting on your bed in tears. Beside you, Sarahsprite pats you on the back with a daintily gloved hand.

How could this be part of His plan? How does destroying the Earth with meteors make any sense? How could killing every person alive ever be for their benefit?

Thankfully James decided to leave you alone after you entered the LAND OF HYMNS AND HEARTHS. You don’t want to talk to anyone right now, especially him.

SARAHSPRITE: Oh heavens me. SARAHSPRITE: Dear, I fear you’ve a number of gentlemen callers. And I must say, their manners are simply dreadful.

You blink back tears and get to your feet.

The door to your room flies open, and a pair of COAL IMPS burst in. You can clearly make out the effects of the prototypings – four arms, rugged stubble, circle-rimmed glasses, spiky hair, and stylish corsets on both of them. They snicker at your distress.

Suddenly your despair turns to rage. How dare they! How dare He!

You grab the novel you’ve been clutching for support and charge at them.

DRAMATIC ARC’D!

The two imps explode in a shower of surprise and grist.

SARAHSPRITE: My word! SARAHSPRITE: Dearest, have you a touch of the vapors? ELIZABETH: I will mope no longer. ELIZABETH: Perhaps this is a test of faith. ELIZABETH: Perhaps this is my forty days lost in the desert. ELIZABETH: Perhaps it was all a lie. ELIZABETH: It doesn’t matter. ELIZABETH: My friends need me. ELIZABETH: And I will be there for them.

You glance through your BadgerBud messages. Steve and Greg both explain how to combine objects; Steve insists you should, while Greg demands you don’t. You debate internally for a moment.

It’s better to beg forgiveness than ask permission.

Bathrobe || Medical Reference Book = HEALER’S HABILIMENT

Your new robe sports the red medical cross on the back and on the lapel. Its pockets are full of first aid supplies that seem to replenish themselves. Your grandmother insisted that it’s never too early to study for medical school when she bought you that book. Thanks to your dedication, you know exactly what you withdraw from your pockets and how best to use it.

If you and your friends are going to encounter more of those demons, you’ll need to be ready to lend aid.

Perhaps not only physical aid.

Cross Necklace && Novel = DIVINE DOORSTOPPER

You now have a hefty tome that can convert the repentant through both inspiring scripture and a solid blow to the head. It fits nicely into your Bookkind Strife Specibus.

Novel || Laptop = E-READER

Now you have a book-sized personal computing device. It’s far more convenient – and you can read your books on it.

You decide to reach out to Steve and see what you can do.

-- phaithfulPhysician [PP] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] –

PP: Steve. SS: Liz! Are you okay? SS: James was worried about you. SS: And I guess I was too. PP: I’m fine. PP: And I’m ready. SS: Uh. SS: Ready for what? PP: For whatever it is we’re faced with. Whatever this game, or test, or whatever it is. I’m ready to help. SS: Awesome! SS: We still need Tiffany. SS: But no one has been able to contact her since Greg entered. SS: Her BadgerBud says she’s busy. PP: Have you tried calling her? SS: Uh… PP: …That was the first thing you tried, right? SS: Uh… PP: … PP: I’ll take care of it.

-- phaithfulPhysician [PP] ceased badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] --

[collectivestuck-blog]

14

With a sigh, you push your laptop away from you. Another tale of Lady Trumpington joins its brethren in your writing folder. Your spark of inspiration has burned out, and now you need something else to do.

Tiffany appears to be away on BadgerBud; it looks like her game with Greg didn’t last long. That’s a shame. It would have been the perfect moment to coerce him into asking her out. Once again, your matchmaking skills will be needed.

Most of your friends are set as busy. That’s a little unusual for a school night. Normally they’d be chatting as they completed their homework or sought a brief respite from studying. It’s actually kind of lonely.

Only one appears to be active.

-- phaithfulPhysician [PP] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] –

PP: Hello, Steve. How are you this evening? SS: Liz! SS: Man am I glad I got ahold of you. SS: We have to get you into the game. PP: Pardon? SS: James can get you, and then you can get Tiffany. That closes the loop. PP: I think you lost me. PP: Are you asking me to join you in this game that has captivated you and Greg? PP: I’m sorry, but I have to decline. PP: I hope you enjoy it, though. SS: No! Wait! SS: You have to enter or you’ll die! PP: Steve, have you been taking joke tips from James? PP: This is beneath even him. SS: I don’t have time to explain, but this isn’t a joke. SS: You’re going to be crushed by a meteor if we don’t get you in here as soon as possible. PP: ... PP: That is preposterous. PP: I’m going to let you get back to your game. SS: Wait!

-- phaithfulPhysician [PP] ceased badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] –

Honestly.

You never did understand what Steve saw in him anyway. It’s hard to be a good person and see the best in everyone when it includes someone whose idea of amusement is bad wordplay and tasteless comments. You’re still friends, of course, but really only by association.

Oh look. He just came online. You should tell him not to corrupt Steve like that. Especially when you’re trying to set him up with Stephanie.

-- phaithfulPhysician [PP] began badgering bebopBelter [BB] –

PP: James, I need to have a word with you. BB: oh good BB: after that your getting served PP: Ugh. PP: Listen, I know you love these cornball jokes and immature pranks. But please leave Steve out of them. PP: He’s already tried to snare me. If he tries something foolish like that and ends up ruining his friendship with Tiffany or Stephanie, I will hold you accountable. BB: no really BB: im gonna be your server BB: save you from the giant meteor about to crush your house BB: and fuck you my jokes are great PP: That’s it. I’m done. PP: This isn’t funny, and I won’t let you ruin my night. PP: When we get to school tomorrow, you are getting a piece of my mind whether you like it or not.

-- phaithfulPhysician [PP] blocked bebopBelter [BB] --

Rrrrrgh. Now you’re all in a tizzy. You should go for a walk to calm yourself down. Admiring the Lord’s beautiful work always eases your mind.

You carefully cross the hall to the front door, avoiding the squeaky board near the closet. Your grandmother is likely asleep, and you certainly don’t want to endure another lecture for waking her.

As you slip out, you notice the heat. Even though the sun dips below the horizon, it still feels like midday. This time of year always surprises you. It’s rather beautiful in its own way, always subverting your expectations. The unpredictable weather is something you love about this area.

Another thing you love is the enormous oak tree in your front yard. On spring afternoons, you sit in its shade and work on your stories. Lady Trumpington definitely has a wonderful tree like this on her estate. She and her beau once thought about carving their initials into it, but they would never harm something so majestic.

You daintily step from stone to stone along the path to your tree. Just being surrounded by nature like this is a spiritual experience. While some of your friends – particularly Greg – sneer at your dedication to your faith, you can’t help but be uplifted by the glory around you. Everywhere you look, all the eye can see is divine radiance and-

…It can’t be.

Your eyes are playing tricks on you. There can’t be something in the sky.

He wouldn’t do that.

It isn’t possible.

[collectivestuck-blog]

10

A girl lays on her bed.

Your name is ELIZABETH MAREK.

It’s a quiet Sunday night. You’re relaxing after a long and hectic day. This week you and your grandmother served as ushers and attendants for Sunday Mass. She raised you as a DEVOUT CATHOLIC, and your faith has been important to you all your life. You’re always willing to step up and assist your church in the weekly service, and being chosen this week was a great honor.

Now, you’re enjoying one of your favorite books. You have a taste for HISTORICAL DRAMAS, particularly of the vaguely romantic variety. Southern belles and their beaus, Victorian ladies and their gentlemen callers, New England loyalists and their secret patriot mistresses. These stories feed your active imagination, and you often wish you lived in one of these storied and passionate times.

When you’re full of emotion and zeal, you dabble in writing your own tales of amorous intrigue. The hard drive of your laptop is full of the escapades of Lady Sarah Trumpington, who has the magical ability to travel through time. She doesn’t have any control over her power, causing her to find and lose love over and over. Even though she always finds a handsome and courteous man whenever she goes, she always dreams of returning to her one true love Sir Lawrence Boddenham in her home time. Though she is ever tempted, she will always remain chaste and true to her soulmate.

Your studies of the heart have made you the emotional rock of your circle of friends. You often MEDDLE IN THEIR AFFAIRS, always for their own good. They depend on you to help them unravel their feelings.

Take your best friend, for example. She’s caught the eye of two young cavaliers, and she toys between them. It causes them no end of fuss, and you always try to mediate between the three. All of them are your closest friends, and you only want the best for all of them.

And there she is now.

Your BadgerBud brobriquiet is phaithfulPhysician, and you treat everyone with respect and kindness.

-- equineEngineer [EE] began badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] –

EE: liz are you there EE: ? PP: Yes, I am. EE: can i bug you about something EE: ? PP: Always. EE: you know how the fall dance is coming next month PP: You’re worried about Steve and Greg. EE: i think steves going to ask me to go PP: Do you want to go with him? EE: not really EE: but i dont not want to either EE: hes really sweet but PP: His heart is in the right place, even if his mind isn’t. EE: yea EE: i dont want to hurt him PP: Well then. It looks like you have two options. PP: You do want to go with Greg, don’t you? EE: kind of EE: i mean EE: hes kind of a jerk sometimes EE: but hes also funny too EE: he can be really charming PP: He’s not going to ask you. It’s not what a “smooth operator” would do. EE: ugh EE: i wish he would stop saying that PP: To tell you the truth, I think he does it to irk Steve. PP: He does this sort of thing to try to get Steve to be more assertive. EE: yea i think so too EE: its kind of sweet PP: In a somewhat sociopathic way, I suppose. EE: so what are my two options PP: You can either charm Greg into dropping his facade and asking you first. PP: Or you can find Steve another date. EE: you mean stephanie PP: It was certainly one of the possible options, yes. EE: i wish she would come out and tell him EE: its so obvious to everybody else PP: Steve can be a bit blind sometimes. EE: can you do something about it EE: id talk to her but i dont think she likes me much PP: She does, I assure you. She just has trouble showing it. EE: i guess so PP: Yes, I’ll see what I can do to boost her confidence. PP: I would like to see the two of them together and happy. EE: me too EE: okay i g2g EE: see you later! PP: Have a good night, Tiff.

-- equineEngineer [EE] ceased badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] –

You close your laptop and set it on your nightstand. Hung over it is the picture of Lady Trumpington Stephanie drew for you. It wasn’t quite how you imagined her, but you do appreciate the gesture. Even if it didn’t help Tiffany with her problems, you’d still be trying to help her work up the courage to confess to Steve. It’s your duty as a courtship connoisseur and a good friend.

It’s getting late. Time for you to say your prayers and tuck yourself in. You’ll need a good night’s sleep if you’re going to play matchmaker tomorrow.