#audaciousarchitect

[collectivestuck-blog]

69

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began a bulletin -- -- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] broaches -- -- intenseImpressionist [II] broaches -- -- phaithfulPhysician [PP] broaches -- -- bebopBelter [BB] broaches -- -- equineEngineer [EE] broaches --

BB: yo EE: hi everybody :)! EE: its been like forever since we all talked II: yeah SS: Everybody okay? BB: yea EE: yep! PP: I’m glad to hear that. AA: The Genesis Frog is complete. EE: hes kinda cute! EE: all blinky and rainbow colored PP: I hope you have him somewhere safe. I’d hate to lose him at the last second to some unforeseen disaster. AA: I placed him in a hermetically sealed container I crafted from pieces of the Forge. I personally vouch for its security. BB: ok II: are we done then? AA: Not yet. He needs to be delivered to the center of the Battlefield on Skaia so he can grow. AA: All of Derse will stand in our way. SS: My mom says they’ll take care of the queen. AA: They won’t be able to deal with her. She’s too powerful. SS: I trust my mom. If she says she can do it, then she can. AA: Tell her to stay away. We’ll find another way. SS: No. She said she’ll do it, and we need to fight the king anyway. AA: The queen is beyond the power of anyone below god tier as long as she has the ring. BB: i say we let her do it BB: ive seen her kick ass AA: I will not let anyone else enter harm’s way when I can prevent it. BB: what EE: do you want me to tell them? PP: Tell us what? AA: Our mutual enemy placed my father in her throne room. We were unable to rescue him before he received fatal injuries. BB: oh shit BB: sorry dude SS: …Wow. SS: I’m sorry, man. Are you okay? AA: I'm over it. AA: We don’t have time for pity parties. We have to get this frog to the Battlefield. II: okay II: well all go there now AA: Wait. AA: This will be the finale. It will test us beyond anything we’ve faced. PP: You have a point. Are we really ready for this? II: were all god tier PP: Is everyone comfortable with their abilities? BB: fuck up peoples luck BB: im good at that EE: yep! EE: i think i can focus on just whats about to happen and make sure nobody gets hurt AA: This will be a difficult operation. We’ll need to carve our way through the entire Dersite army, and that will be the easy part. AA: We need strong leadership to see us to victory. BB: ug II: fine II: tell us what you want us to do AA: Actually, I was hoping someone with experience would take the lead. AA: Steve, we’ve reached the end of the game. What happens now? SS: …Wait, what? AA: You’re the one with the best game credentials. And we all trust you, don’t we? PP: Absolutely. EE: yep! ;) BB: im cool with that II: agreed SS: …Really? AA: You’re clearly the best for the job. AA: So, what do we do now? SS: …Uh. SS: Okay. Before the final boss, we finish all the sidequests and get the best gear. Did everybody complete their quests? II: I did BB: me too PP: As did I. EE: i think my quest was just to help make the frog, so i did! SS: Okay, so. We have a lot of grist. Can we make better weapons? AA: I’m fairly certain I’ve already made the greatest weapon in the game. EE: um EE: we do need to save a bunch of grist for the ultimate alchemy BB: what EE: i think its part of making the frog grow :/ SS: Okay, we can probably do fine with the weapons we’ve got. SS: I think all that’s left is some last minute grinding. EE: :O! EE: steve! >:/ PP: That’s incredibly inappropriate! SS: Woah woah! SS: Not like that! SS: I mean getting the last bit of experience we need to earn the best moves! SS: I’m pretty sure this is one of the games that resolves romance plots after the finale anyway. PP: …We are going to have a talk when this is done. SS: It was a joke! BB: rofl AA: My consorts did make mention of something called a fraymotif. I took the liberty of investigating and found that they were unnecessarily expensive, so I disregarded them. AA: We should have enough funds now. BB: oh hey BB: thats weird BB: i think i have one already EE: :O you do? BB: yea BB: when i put on my white glove i can do this dance move BB: its really fucking strong AA: Fascinating. SS: Okay, so we should all get as many fraymotifs as we can. Don’t worry about hording boondollars. BB: shit BB: i was gonna retire on this BB: buy my own island BB: jamestown SS: Trust me, islands are way overrated. PP: Shall we meet again in an hour? SS: Make it two. Everybody do whatever you need to get ready, and we’ll meet on the Battlefield. AA: Understood. BB: whatever you say fearless leader EE: see you guys soon! ;)

-- equineEngineer [EE] bids goodbye -- -- phaithfulPhysician [PP] bids goodbye -- -- bebopBelter [BB] bids goodbye -- -- intenseImpressionist [II] bids goodbye --

AA: Steve. SS: Yeah? AA: You can do this. AA: I’ve never said it before, but I am impressed by you. AA: And I’m glad to call myself your friend. SS: You know, Greg. You can be really annoying some times. SS: But even when you’re acting smug, it’s because you’re cool enough to deserve it. SS: And I’m glad we’re friends too. AA: I wouldn’t follow anyone else. SS: I’ll try not to let you down. AA: I already know you won’t.

-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] bids goodbye -- -- audaciousArchitect [AA] bids goodbye --

[collectivestuck-blog]

68

You give Steve one last wonderful kiss before pulling out the Illustrator’s Interface.

-- intenseImpressionist [II] began badgering audaciousArchitect [AA] --

II: okay Im ready II: did james tell you where were going? AA: Yes. It will take only a moment. II: okay

-- intenseImpressionist [II] ceased badgering audaciousArchitect [AA] --

Steve gives a longing look as you disappear.

JAMES: Yo.

You’re standing in a room full of machinery, punctuated by the enormous viewscreen and console at the center.

Also, James is wearing tights.

STEPHANIE: Uh… JAMES: Yeah, it’s fucking stupid. Let’s just do this so I can change.

He hands out the white voodoo doll and starts fiddling with the machine. The screen springs to life, displaying the two of you standing in the room you’re in now. You glance around for a camera before realizing that there probably isn’t one. At this point, you just have to accept this weird shit.

While James dicks around, you step over to the nearby window. The rest of the Veil is clearly visible outside your little meteor lab. Very soon the Reckoning will start, and your session will come to a close. Tiffany and Greg had better have that frog finished. You came this far and finally got Steve, and you’re not going to lose all of it because they couldn’t keep it in their pants until later.

The screen jumps between the rooms in the towers on Prospit and Derse. You glance at the one you woke up in, and you’re confused.

STEPHANIE: Wait. What was that on the walls? JAMES: Part of the code. JAMES: We all sleepwalked or something and wrote it on our walls, and we don’t remember it. STEPHANIE: What? JAMES: Beats the fuck out of me. That’s what the giant snake monster said. STEPHANIE: …

After scanning each room, the screen returns to showing the lab.

JAMES: Okay, done. STEPHANIE: Now what? STEPHANIE: What exactly are we doing, anyway? JAMES: Creating the white text douche.

You cock your head as your jaw drops.

STEPHANIE: …What? JAMES: The code gives him his god-vision and teleportation bullshit, but we have to give him a body too. STEPHANIE: How about we don’t? JAMES: Tiffany said it’s some predetermined shit. We have to create him because he’s already here or whatever. STEPHANIE: …How does that work? JAMES: Shenanigans. JAMES: Fuck if I understand it. I’m the luck guy.

You shake your head and sigh.

STEPHANIE: Okay, so that’s what this doll is for? JAMES: Yeah. We make him out of it, and it fucks him up. Perfect bad luck. STEPHANIE: …That’s not reassuring. JAMES: Hey, a giant snake monster told me to do it, and I wasn’t going to argue. JAMES: You could say I was kind of rattled.

Pointedly ignoring him, you turn the doll over in your hands. Something doesn’t feel right. You’re missing something.

STEPHANIE: …There’s something else we have to do. JAMES: Like what? JAMES: Hephaestus just said to bring you here and use the doll to make Vanilla Milkshake. STEPHANIE: …That is a stupid name. JAMES: You have a better one? STEPHANIE: So why did you need me? JAMES: I guess ‘cause you can hide us doing this? JAMES: If he saw us, it would fuck up the whole thing.

-- anonymousAdvsior [AA] began badgering intenseImpressionist [II] --

AA: Your time is up, Miss Nestore. AA: I have been far too patient with you. AA: I know not where you are, but I can see the Atomic Cymbal, which means you are not there. AA: I offered you the chance to save Mister Garrison’s life. AA: You have clearly made your choice. AA: I am going to seize control of your display, and you will watch as he suffers.

--

James looks at you.

JAMES: Well? Stop standing there and let’s do this. STEPHANIE: …No. I’ve got it.

You whip out the Chromatic Cleaver, dial to black, and draw on the face of the doll.

黒

Kuro – black.

STEPHANIE: Okay, do it.

James aims the ectobiology apparatus at the doll. A green paradox clone momentarily appears on the pad before vanishing.

JAMES: … JAMES: That’s it? JAMES: I thought something would happen! JAMES: I’m supposed to be the one who fucks up his plans! JAMES: Destroy his chances or some shit! STEPHANIE: You did. Now it’s my turn.

You close your eyes. In your mind, you can feel the trigger. It’s always been there, but you haven’t been able to reach it until now.

--

II: youre done AA: No, Miss Nestore, I am merely beginning. AA: I will butcher every one of you until you perform the scratch. AA: I no longer tolerate you deviating from my plan. II: your plan is fucked AA: I am omniscient. AA: I am omnipresent. AA: I am omnipotent. AA: I am beyond the miserable machinations of a teenage-

--

With your mind, you reach through the void and pull the trigger.

--

AA: I am- AA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AA: BLIND AA: BLIND AA: WHAT DID YOU DO AA: NO AA: NONONONONONO AA: HOW II: knight of void AA: THIS ISN’T POSSIBLE AA: I CAN’T SEE AA: I CAN’T MOVE AA: WHAT DID YOU DO II: bye asshole

-- intenseImpressionist [II] blocked anonymousAdvisor [AA] --

[collectivestuck-blog]

49

You are legitimately going insane.

For the first few days of your imposed exile, you handled yourself well. Having a goal helped; you spent hours analyzing the structure and mechanisms behind the Forge. Your Sylladex is crammed full of diagrams detailing its inner workings. Once you understood the layout of the volcano, you began drawing up blueprints for a device that would ignite it. Inside, at the bottom of the funnel, is a blast door that radiates heat. The magma must be trapped behind it. There are no clear operational mechanisms to open the door, so you’ll have to rip it off through force. Unfortunately, none of the robots you’ve designed have enough torque to do the job, and you don’t have enough in the way of raw materials anyway.

By the time you came to the conclusion that you lacked the means to solve your problem alone, you had been abandoned for a week. Tiffany and Liz still had you blocked, and Tiffany hadn’t done anything as your server at all. Steve has refused to answer any messages either. At point you went so far as to strike up a conversation with ButlerBot. He’s probably the worst conversationalist ever, though – all he does is agree with everything you say and offer you tea that he doesn’t have.

For week two, you decided to try a new approach to the Forge problem. If you didn’t have the necessary equipment, you’d just have to fabricate it. Your unparalleled intellect immediately discerned the best method of doing so was to crack the code behind the captcha cards. You would just figure out how the eight-character codes correlated to the objects they represented, and then you could alchemitize anything. First, you went on a two-day hunting binge, slaughtering imps to build up your grist cache. You then sat down and started cracking. Your room is now full of pointless items, often composed of multiple things jammed into each other in defiance of the laws of physics.

It’s been more than three weeks now, and all you’ve been able to determine is that the captcha system makes no goddamn sense.

GREG: This is all your fault. BUTLERBOT: Yes, sir. I am a disappointment.

That was the most stimulating conversation you’ve had in nearly a month.

Legitimately insane.

You rub your eyes, shadowed by dark rings. The first night, when you fell asleep here and woke up on Derse, you tried to find the dream selves of the other two. Something crazy had been happening there, though, and both other towers were empty. The few Dersites that would talk to you only stuttered something about a team of monsters killing off royalty before dashing off into hiding. You haven’t slept much since then. There’s no point.

The clock on your HUD says it’s time to try opening the lines of communication again. Every day, you check BadgerBud to see if you’ve been unblocked. After the second week, you lost all hope. It’s routine, though, so you give it another try.

Nope.

Hell, at this point, you’ll even talk to James.

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering bebopBelter [BB] --

AA: James. BB: just fucking great BB: im busy here AA: Please. BB: no BB: fuck off

-- bebopBelter [BB] blocked audaciousArchitect [AA] --

This is it, then.

You’re going to die here, alone, a complete and utter failure. You’ll never accomplish your assigned task, you’ll never learn the point of all this. You’ll never get to apologize to Tiffany.

GREG: This is… BUTLERBOT: All my fault, yes, sir. May I make up for it with crumpets? GREG: No. GREG: This is all my fault. GREG: I wasn’t charming enough. I’m supposed to be smooth. I should have been able to talk her out of it. BUTLERBOT: As you say, sir. Might I suggest a drink to calm your nerves? GREG: …Is that really it? BUTLERBOT: Of course it is, sir. GREG: …I just wanted what was best for everyone.

Your throat is starting to hurt. You haven’t talked this much in a month.

GREG: I had to be the example that Steve needs. GREG: I had to be the prize Tiffany wants. GREG: They needed me to be better than them so they could aspire to greatness. BUTLERBOT: And you are great, sir. GREG: …I’m not, am I? GREG: It’s all an act. GREG: I’m a cocky asshole who needs to push people around. GREG: I… GREG: I drove away all my friends. BUTLERBOT: Indeed, sir. GREG: And now none of them will talk to me at all.

…Wait. That’s not entirely true.

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering intenseImpressionist [II] --

AA: Stephanie. II: what AA: Can I please ask you something? II: no II: were busy AA: You and Steve? II: me and james II: were working on my quest AA: Please. I need to talk to Tiffany, and she won’t speak to me. II: no II: go away AA: Please. I’ll do anything. II: then do me a favor and go away AA: …Okay.

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] ceased badgering intenseImpressionist [II] --

And your last hope dwindles away.

…

…

A favor.

Favor!

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] --

AA: Steve. AA: I know you’re there. AA: If you don’t respond, I will exercise my power as your server. AA: I’ll drop something on you. SS: You know, I was really enjoying not being bothered you for a month. SS: I was talking to an AA who didn’t constantly tell me how terrible I was. SS: It was great. AA: Steve. I need to talk to Tiffany. SS: No. SS: She and I have actually had enjoyable conversations lately. SS: You didn’t come up in them at all. AA: Steve. I’m sorry. AA: I was an ass. AA: Now please, tell her to talk to me. SS: Ha! SS: If you think I’m going to believe that, you’re an idiot. AA: …Please, Steve. Accept my apology. SS: No. AA: …I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. AA: I’m calling in my favor. SS: What? AA: When I agreed to be your server, you promised me a boon of my choice. AA: This is it. Get Tiffany to contact me. SS: … AA: You owe me, Steve. You know you do. SS: … AA: Are you the kind of guy who would go back on your word? SS: …I hate you. SS: I fucking hate you. SS: Hold on.

--

…Did it work?

-- equineEngineer [EE] began badgering audaciousArchitect [AA] --

EE: greg? AA: Tiffany. AA: Please listen. AA: I have been an ass. AA: I have been terrible to you and to Steve. AA: I have done nothing but hurt both of you. AA: And I am sorry. AA: Please. AA: Can we be friends again? EE: … EE: :O!!! EE: do you really mean that? AA: I do. AA: You were right. I needed time alone to see how big a dick I really was. AA: I’m sorry. EE: greg! EE: i am so glad to hear that! EE: tbh EE: i really missed you! ;) AA: I missed you too. EE: ive been telling steve that i wished you would come back AA: …Really? EE: uh huh EE: we should build you up to the gate so you can come here EE: im gonna give you the biggest hug ;) AA: …I haven’t completed my quest yet. I can’t light the Forge. EE: maybe i can help with that AA: I’ve been trying to reverse-engineer the captcha code for an explosive that would set off the volcano, but the system is utterly impossible. EE: ill check another timeline and see if i can find something AA: …Excuse me? EE: okay EE: i have the code for the bomb you need EE: ready? AA: …How did you get that? EE: its kind of complicated EE: ill tell you when you get here AA: Okay. Give me the code. EE: kabooom! AA: … EE: thats the code AA: …

--

You smack your face so hard it leaves a mark.

--

AA: Okay, I’m making the explosive now. AA: Yes, this is exactly what I’m looking for. EE: told you :) AA: Let me go set it up.

--

You stash the timebomb in your Sylladex and start climbing the volcano. Early on you figured out the quickest path, so it doesn’t take you long. You set the timer, take careful aim, and chuck the bomb at the blast door.

Then you run like hell.

The Forge erupts brilliantly, lava launching into the air before draining down the multitude of pipes and grooves down the face of the volcano. As it seeps down, the machinery around starts to whir.

--

EE: woah! EE: all the factory parts are starting AA: They must be thermal powered. Lighting the Forge activated the whole planet. EE: and look! EE: frogs!

--

All of the sealed compartments you’ve been seeing in the ground are opening as the machinery hums to life. Frogs of all shapes and sizes leap out, croaking at each other.

--

AA: This is part of my quest too. EE: i know EE: come through the gate EE: i have an idea for how to make it easier AA: Alright. EE: greg EE: im so glad youre back ;) AA: I am too.

[collectivestuck-blog]

44

This is the strangest thing you’ve seen in a long time. It’s as though someone decided to design a man-made volcano. The surface is polished to a mirror sheen, with temperature and pressure gages at regular intervals. Reinforced tubes run down the face into the floor, presumably to transport magma to safe containment. You can see bolts where the individual plates that make up the structure meet.

It would be a lot more impressive if it worked, though.

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering equineEngineer [EE] –

AA: Tiffany. Can you find me? EE: maybe EE: gimme a sec EE: aha! EE: found you! ;) AA: Any idea what I’m looking at here? EE: woah! EE: umm EE: lemme see EE: oh! its the forge! AA: It appears to be a volcano – or at least a reasonable facsimile. EE: yeah EE: its part of your quest AA: My quest? EE: hang on EE: steve wants something

--

Well. While she’s busy with him, you should see if you can obtain any more information.

GREG: Shiva. What is this quest I supposedly have? SHIVASPRITE: user.aspect = SPACE SHIVASPRITE: getQuest(user.aspect) SHIVASPRITE: user.quest = forge.stoke() SHIVASPRITE: for(int i = 0; i < planet.getFrogCount(); i++) SHIVASPRITE: user.quest += getDNA(planet.frogs[i]);

That’s… interesting. You have to make this volcano erupt, and then… something about obtaining DNA from frogs? Liz mentioned frogs, and you assume that all of the sealed compartments you keep seeing are where they’re kept. You can’t imagine how you’re supposed to get their DNA, though. Perhaps that will be more clear once you stoke the Forge.

Which will be quite the task by itself. Assuming the volcano is active at all, you’d need something drastic to set it off. Tiffany seems to have gained a great deal of information all of a sudden. She likely knows something.

--

AA: Tiffany. Tell me more about the Forge. EE: greg!!! EE: >:( AA: Pardon? EE: steve told me about how you were a dick to him! AA: I was no such thing. EE: you made him climb a huge ladder! AA: I offered him the most efficient method of reaching his gate. It saved both time and grist. AA: And it meant I could return to working with you. EE: oh no you dont EE: dont try to make this about us EE: you need to stop fucking with steve AA: I’m just doing what’s best for everyone. AA: Steve needs opportunities to grow, and you and I need to progress as far as we possibly can. EE: >:( EE: greg why do you have to be a jerk all the time AA: I have no idea what you’re talking about. AA: If people happen to react negatively to me, that’s their problem. EE: >:(!!! AA: What do you want from me, Tiffany? EE: i want you to apologize to steve! EE: and then to stop being such an asshole! EE: god greg! EE: youre really smart and cute and confident and stuff! EE: why do you have be a jerk too! AA: I have never intentionally been a jerk. EE: really? EE: >:( AA: Okay, perhaps occasionally I have been unnecessarily harsh to Steve. But only for his benefit. AA: He needs someone to push him. EE: no EE: you need someone to push! EE: >:( AA: I most certainly do not. EE: dont give me that! EE: i see right through you! EE: its not enough for you to be cool EE: you have to be cooler than everybody and make sure they know it! AA: Preposterous. EE: im not talking to you anymore greg EE: you want to be better than everyone else then fine EE: go be perfect by yourself

-- equineEngineer [EE] blocked audaciousArchitect [AA] --

Wh…

What?

She…

She blocked you.

That’s impossible. You’re a SMOOTH OPERATOR.

Sure, you act a little arrogant, but that’s part of SMOOTH OPERATING. She likes that. She said so.

…What do you do now?

[collectivestuck-blog]

41

-- equineEngineer [EE] began badgering audaciousArchitect [AA] –

EE: greg! AA: Tiffany. I’m glad to see you. EE: im glad to see you too! ;) AA: How are you acclimating to all of this? EE: its kind of weird EE: but this place is so cool! AA: I assume you’re ready to start toward our goal. EE: yep! EE: …uh EE: what goal is that? AA: First, we need to build up to the gate over my house. AA: I’ve already obtained plenty of grist. EE: woah! :O EE: you’ve really been busy AA: Just waiting for you, my dear. EE: gimme a sec to figure out how to build

--

While she fiddles with your house, you take a moment to catch up on the rest of the BadgerBud messages you received while you were busy. Apparently Steve and James discovered another piece of the Phernalia Registry.

--

AA: Tiffany. EE: hmm? AA: There should be a CD in the Registry. Deploy it for me. EE: okay

--

The CD slot on your armor opens, and you slide it in. With the infinite processing power of the most advanced clothing of the future, you have it installed almost instantly. You look at your team’s shared storage. Steve has cluttered it with grist and…

Tsk tsk. Really, Steve? Showing off these abject failures? This just makes him look like an immature idiot.

He has so much more potential than he shows. You want him to succeed – you really do – but he keeps holding himself back. He never had someone to push him before, not like you did. His jealousy is a double-edged sword; he really should be man enough to ignore how great you are and focus on himself, but his self-imposed rivalry has driven him to grow. If he had the confidence due someone of his intellect, the girls would be all over him. Still, if he needs you to serve as both goal and inspiration, you’ll do it. You make a mental note to chide him for displaying his failures so openly. A SMOOTH OPERATOR needs to watch his appearances.

--

EE: okay greg! EE: i made all the way up!

--

She made a series of floors, supported by white columns and connected by staircases, stacked up to reach the gate. You start your climb.

--

EE: :O !!! EE: greg! EE: youve got trouble!

--

The ground rumbles, and you see a massive swarm of Steel Imps charging at your house. Not a problem – earning enough grist to build up this high shot you up your Echeladder to AUGMENTED ADEPT. The imps charge up the stairs, flailing each of their four arms in wild swings.

You never asked for this, but you’ll sure as shit take it.

SLICE!

Your Hidden Chainblade whips out of your gauntlet, beheading three imps with one slash. The rest pause and look amongst each other. Eventually, they push one forward, and it raises its arms sheepishly. You lunge, carving it in two.

The remaining imps scramble over each other to get back down the stairs.

As you smirk, an enormous hand grabs onto the floor. The TITANIUM OGRE pulls itself up and snarls at you.

Pistons on your legs give you extra push as you dash forward, drawing your blade across its ankles. The teeth tear into its silver hide, and it howls as it drops to its knees. You leap up, slicing through its neck. As you land, you’re showered in grist. The Chainblade slides back into your armor with a flick of your wrist, and you brush your hair out of your face with your other hand.

SMOOTH.

OPERATOR.

--

EE: :O greg… EE: THAT WAS THE COOLEST THING EVER!!! AA: Hardly. It wasn’t even a challenge. EE: ;O AA: Do you see any more? EE: i dont think so EE: theyre all running away

--

All too easy. You make your way to the top of your house. One final staircase leads up to the gate.

--

EE: wait! EE: do you know what happens when you go through that? AA: No. Only that it’s where I need to go. EE: are you sure? EE: we just got back together EE: i dont want to lose you again ;( AA: Don’t worry. AA: There’s nothing through there that I can’t handle. AA: Especially if you’re helping me. EE: okay EE: i trust you

--

You know she can still see you, so you look up, kiss your fingers, and hold them up. Then you walk into the gate.

[collectivestuck-blog]

28

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] –

AA: Liz. PP: Hello, Greg. AA: I understand you’ve successfully entered the game. PP: I have. PP: Now I’m attempting to enlighten my new friends. AA: Friends? PP: The consorts of my world. They appear to be part of a pagan cult that worships us. PP: And frogs, for some reason. AA: Ah. That must be what all of these compartments contain. AA: And these creatures would be consorts. PP: Oh, what do you have? I believe Steve was being vexed by monkeys. AA: I believe these are foxes. PP: Hmmm. Then it would appear each world has its own consorts. Fascinating. AA: But likely unimportant. Have you encountered any imps and earned any grist? PP: Yes. I’m sorry, but I’ve already alchemized a few items. AA: … PP: I think Steve has as well. AA: I expected this recklessness from him, but not from you. AA: I explicitly laid out an optimal strategy. We can’t afford to squander our time and resources. PP: You don’t trust us to make good decisions. AA: Of course I do. AA: I just trust myself to make better ones. PP: …I’m beginning to understand why Steve finds you so frustrating. AA: That was a joke. PP: Sure it was. AA: Regardless, we need structure. We can do far more if we’re certain we are all working toward the same goal. PP: So you say. PP: I think you’re just afraid to give up power. PP: You’ve been head of every team you’ve joined and every projected you’ve worked on. You’re now in a situation where you can’t just take charge, and you’re terrified. PP: I could hazard guesses about the source of this need for control – I know how strict your father can be – but I think I’ll leave that up to you. AA: Are you done? AA: I have work to do. AA: Don’t do any more alchemy without consulting me first.

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] ceased badgering phaithfulPhysician [PP] --

The nerve of that girl. She’s always been meddlesome, but directly contracting your orders? You have a history of successful leadership. It only makes sense that you seize authority – for the good of everyone. You are the one best suited to keeping everyone safe and successfully winning the game.

And your relationship with your father has always been absolutely fine. He’s pushed you, yes, but only to make sure you reached your full potential. You wouldn’t be the champion of the robotics club and an Eagle Scout and a straight-A student and a SMOOTH OPERATOR if not for his guidance. You’re the pinnacle of excellence because you have the support you need to keep you focused.

Well. If she’s going to be obstinate, you’ll just let her waste her own time.

SHIVASPRITE: ERROR SHIVASPRITE: user.getServer().connection > maxTime SHIVASPRITE: user.build() cannot accept null parameters SHIVASPRITE: user.enterGate() cannot accept null parameters SHIVASPRITE: server is a key field SHIVASPRITE: server cannot be null

Your magnum opus is correct. You need to contact Tiffany again. While you could certainly continue alchemizing with the objects you have, there are certainly better uses for the grist you’ve been collecting. The devices you had a grist cost, so there must be more that you couldn’t afford before.

You do have a client player. Perhaps you’ll take a look at the Phernalia Registry from the server side.

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] –

AA: Steve. SS: Oh. Wonderful. SS: As if I didn’t have enough of a headache now. AA: Leave the apes alone. I’m going to look at the options available in the Phernalia Registry. AA: You’ve been able to earn a surprising amount of grist. I’m impressed. SS: Don’t patronize me, Greg. AA: I’m not. Well done, Steve. AA: You’ve even made a high-quality weapon. A fine example of resourcefulness. AA: Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to spend some of your grist. SS: What if I do mind? AA: I’m going to do it anyway. But I would prefer your consent. AA: I’m not an asshole. SS: Says you. SS: Fine. Do whatever you’re going to do. SS: I’m going to get back to throwing away anything remotely like a coconut on this whole planet.

--

You open the Phernalia Registry and begin perusing. Steve already has the Cruxtruder, the Alchemiter, the Totem Lathe, and the Punch Designix. These appear to be the core of the system – obtain Cruxite dowels, punch cards, carve totems, and create objects. Anything else, then, must be supplemental. They would augment the existing devices, or provide some other benefit tangential to the alchemy process.

There are multiple items related to punched cards. As alchemy revolves around them, they’re obviously where to start first.

You attempt to deploy the Jumper Block Extension. A ghost image snaps to the end of the Alchemiter, displaying a number of connection ports. It clips through the wall, though, so you can’t simply deploy it now. You’ll have to make space.

For the first time, you take a good look at the room you’re rearranging. It has the air of a master bedroom, likely where Steve’s mother sleeps. A momentary twinge hits you as you wonder about your own parental figure. It’s nonsense, though; you managed to enter the Medium, and your father is far better than you are. You don’t have a doubt that he found a way to safety.

As a show of respect, you don’t chuck the contents of this room out the window as you did with the spare room. Instead, you take care to move them down to the first floor. That lets you move the Alchemiter and deploy the Jumper Block Extension.

Of course, now you have empty ports. There’s something in the Registry called a Punch Card Shunt. When you drag it out, it fits perfectly on one of the extension ports. It seems, like the Punch Designix, to have a slot for a captchalog card.

--

AA: Alright, Steve. Enough fucking around. I need your help to test something. SS: Okay, okay. I’m headed back in- SS: …Why is my mom’s bed in the kitchen? AA: I needed to make room. Come up to the Alchemiter.

--

After a few moments, you see Steve on the screen.

--

SS: What’s this thing? AA: The Jumper Block Extension. Put one of your cards in the slot. SS: Which one? AA: Didn’t you not want me dictating your moves? SS: Okay, here goes.

--

He draws one of his cards from his Sylladex and slips it in.

The pedestal that scans carved dowels transforms into what appears to be a scale. You place an uncarved dowel on it, and the central platform projects symbols into the air.

A = 2πr2 + 2πhr

V = πr2h

--

AA: You used a geometry textbook, I assume. SS: Yeah. Looks like it makes the Alchemiter calculate the properties of the Cruxore cylinder. AA: Cruxite. SS: What? AA: It’s called Cruxite. SS: Oh. Whatever. AA: More importantly, the Shunt changed the functionality of the Alchemiter. SS: Yeah, it did. AA: Hmm… SS: Hey, I have an idea. AA: Yes? SS: Can we get the captcha codes for the things in the Registry? Maybe we can combine them all into one machine. AA: That’s a good idea. Is your Sylladex capable of capturing something as large as this? SS: Crap. No. AA: Nor is mine. SS: I think Liz can. Check with her. AA: …Why don’t you do that. I have other things here I need to handle. SS: Okay.

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] ceased badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] --

[collectivestuck-blog]

18

You finish off the last of the Steel Imps with a flourish. As usual, your parries and thrusts are perfect. In addition to being a SMOOTH OPERATOR and a genius roboticist, you’re a fantastic fencer. Sure, you’re not undefeated at your fencing classes, but that’s just because you’ve been holding back. Obviously you don’t want to overwhelm your classmates.

Now that you have grist to spare, you can continue learning the intricacies of punch card alchemy. It obviously works by combining the captcha codes from the two objects you want to merge using either a bitwise AND or a bitwise OR. Changing the operation changes the resultant object.

Suit || Robot Prototype = FUTURIST’S FRIPPERY

Suit && Robot Prototype = BUTLERBOT

You’ve donned the Futurist’s Frippery now. It’s shiny, covered in LEDs and pneumatic tubes. Each metal plate that comprises the torso is hexagonal, giving the entire outfit a honeycomb aesthetic. This is compounded by the shades that complete the ensemble, which give everything a yellowish tint. They function as a heads-up display, giving you access to BadgerBud, your web browser, and your host session with Steve. You’ve been ignoring him while you work. He needs to learn to think for himself if he’s going to be a member of your team.

ButlerBot follows you around, trying to offer you a spot of tea. You’d get frustrated, but a SMOOTH OPERATOR never loses his cool.

You consider crafting yourself a new weapon. While your foil is more than adequate to dispatch the trash you’ve encountered so far, you wouldn’t mind something more appropriate to your surroundings. The LAND OF FACTORIES AND FROGS demands something invented sometime after humans walked upright.

Foil || Pneumatic Tube = AIRBLADE

Your sword now has a compression nozzle in the hilt. Squeezing the trigger adds momentum to your thrust, giving your attacks extra power.

It’s a little unwieldy, though.

Futurist’s Frippery && Airblade = HIDDEN AIRBLADE

Now the blade is stored in your suit until you flick your wrist. It still zips out with the same compression blast, but now you can use it as a surprise attack.

You bet there’s a bit more functionality you could add to it.

Hidden Airblade && Bicycle Chain = HIDDEN CHAINBLADE

Serrated teeth spin along the edges of the blade. You bet this could cut through the hide of any imp you could possibly encounter. In fact, this is probably a game breaker.

Obviously your engineering genius is going to be the savior of your team. You should probably take responsibility for manufacturing all of your team’s equipment. It’s just better for everyone if you’re in charge.

-- audaciousArchitect [AA] began badgering siliconSwashbuckler [SS] –

AA: Steve, do not use the Alchemiter. SS: What? Why? AA: We don’t know how available build grist will be. AA: We need to use it as optimally as possible. AA: Send me a list of the contents of your environment and your Sylladex. AA: I will determine the best objects to create. SS: No! Screw you! SS: I’m not going to let you play this game for me. SS: I am the game expert here. And I refuse to take orders from you. AA: As leader of this team, I am the most qualified to make these sorts of important decisions. It’s best for everyone. SS: Screw that! What makes you think you’re leader? AA: Steve. Please. AA: I have the most experience creating intricate devices from limited resources, and I have the most experience managing a team that is capable of victory. AA: Need I remind you which team is the regional champion? SS: Oh yeah. Being the head of the robotics club obviously makes you godking of everything. AA: I’ve already created the best possible weapon available in my circumstances. You should let me do the same for everyone. AA: We need to be strong if we’re going to win this game. SS: No. SS: I can make at least as good a weapon as you can. SS: In fact, I’m going to go do that now. SS: Screw. SS: You.

-- siliconSwashbuckler [SS] is now busy --

Well. So be it.

This will be a good learning experience for him. He can find his limitations, and then he’ll come back and be willing to listen.

In the meantime, you should try to make contact with the rest of your team. Steve may be stubborn, but you’re sure that the others will see reason.

Really, it’s best for everyone.

[collectivestuck-blog]

12

The CUTE GUY you like has convinced you to play a game with him. Ordinarily, this wouldn’t be your thing; you have more fun playing around with your miniature lab. Today, however, you had a difficult history test, and you promised to play if he’d give you the answer you couldn’t remember. Now, you’re finishing the installation while chatting with him.

-- equineEngineer [EE] began badgering audaciousArchitect [AA] –

EE: okay EE: its almost done AA: Excellent. Did you read the guide? EE: bleh EE: i dont really want to AA: Of course you do. You enjoy reading. EE: not this stuff EE: its all weird game talk AA: How do you expect us to succeed if you don’t study up? EE: didnt you read this already? EE: you can just tell me what to do AA: Nonsense. We’re a team. A fine couple.

--

It’s a good thing he can’t see you blushing right now.

--

EE: okay okay EE: ill skim it EE: oh! EE: its done! EE: i can see you!

--

On the screen of your thin laptop is the CUTE GUY, standing in the middle of his room. It doesn’t look quite like you expected; you’re not surprised to see the workbench and robot parts, but you expected the rest of the room to have more personality. He keeps his room tidier than you keep yours.

--

EE: wow greg EE: wheres all your stuff? AA: Tucked away. We need plenty of room for this. AA: Go ahead and start deploying the Phernalia Registry. EE: hang on EE: i want to look at your room more AA: I’d be more than happy to show you my room intimately later. EE: !!! EE: jeez greg

--

He can be so crude!

It’s…

Kind of hot, actually.

--

EE: okay so I just put this stuff down somewhere? AA: Yes. You should have plenty of room.

--

You pull the three objects from the toolbar and set them in a line. Greg was right; you did need a lot of room. Whatever these things are, they take up a lot of space.

--

EE: what do all of these things do? AA: We’ll have to figure that out ourselves. The guides I’ve checked have been disappointingly lacking. EE: okay EE: oh wait EE: theres one more thing here EE: it looks like a captcha card

--

You drop the card on the bench next to his robot. While you’re no expert, it looks like it’s almost finished. You’re looking forward to seeing in action and rooting for Greg at the finals.

--

AA: This is odd. EE: what? AA: This card appears to have been punched with some sort of rectangular press. EE: thats weird EE: whats the point? it ruins your card AA: The spacing is exact. I’d wager it’s some sort of code, wouldn’t you? EE: youre the code guy EE: does it work with one of the machines?

--

While he turns the card over in his hands, you bring up your web browser and get back to skimming the guide. Greg was right about this, too. It’s really sparse, barely detailing the devices at all.

--

EE: okay i think i get this EE: the big square one is the cruxtruder EE: you have to open that first and get the cruxite out of it EE: then you use the totem lathe to carve it AA: And then the Alchemiter produces an object based on the carved dowel. Yes, I read the guide too. AA: I don’t have enough leverage to pry the lid off. It appears to be jammed. EE: maybe i can do something

--

Your attempts to open the Cruxtruder with the cursor fail spectacularly. It doesn’t respond to be tapping, and trying to pull on it just lifts the entire device. When you let go, it drops with such force that the whole house shakes.

--

EE: eep! AA: Okay, no more playing around. Leave the experiments for your lab. AA: Well now. EE: huh? AA: Steve just sent me a message. It seems James is unreliable as ever. AA: I’ll handle him. You continue reading.

--

Greg becomes engrossed in his phone. Hopefully he doesn’t upset Steve too much. You’d hate for this harmless game to get blown out of proportion.

Unfortunately, these walkthroughs are still dense and unapproachable. Most of the jargon in them goes way over your head. There’s one that looks like it’s actually detailed, but whoever wrote it clearly loves to hear herself talk. It’s like a freaking novel. Maybe Liz would have the patience for that, but you sure don’t.

--

EE: woah! EE: i figured out how to zoom

--

You magnify far in, until you can count all the golden hairs on his head. Jeez, he has great hair. You spend a while just staring.

Then you try zooming out. You can see his room, then his house, then his neighborhood. If you keep scrolling out, you could probably see your house. Wouldn’t it be weird to look over your own shoulder? Maybe you can try that. The camera controls seem to be simple enough. You can move it around, and even pivot to look down or up.

Wait. There’s something up there.

--

EE: !!!! EE: GREG!

--

He’s not paying any attention to his phone at all now. Something else has him enthralled.

The Cruxtruder is open. Judging by the saber in his hand, Greg managed to pry it open himself. Floating before him is a glowing version of the robot that used to sit on his bench. They seem to be talking.

SHIVASPRITE: user.danger > 0.99 = true; SHIVASPRITE: user.obtain(Cruxite); SHIVASPRITE: define artifact = lathe.carve(Cruxite); SHIVASPRITE: user.obtain(artifact); SHIVASPRITE: if(user.alchemitize(artifact)) then Reckoning.target = null

He’s nodding. Did he understand that babbling?

--

EE: greg! EE: damn it look at your phone! AA: Yes? EE: you have to get out of there! EE: theres a giant meteor headed for you! AA: I know. AA: Did you install the client as well as the server? EE: who cares?! EE: stop standing there and run! AA: No. We have to finish the game. EE: no! EE: this is stupid! EE: im not going to let you stand around and get killed! AA: I won’t be. AA: That’s the point of all this. EE: what? AA: According to Shiva, using all of the devices of the Phernalia Registry will send me to safety. AA: I have to wonder if that’s the intent of the game. EE: youre talking crazy! EE: greg ill drag you of this if i have to

--

You swing the cursor around to try to grab him, but he easily bats it away with his sword. He won’t answer you anymore; he’s busy fiddling with the devices you deployed.

Desperate, you zoom out. The meteor is descending quickly. You think fast. If you can’t move Greg out of danger…

You reach the cursor up to grab the meteor.

You leap backwards and scream as your laptop screen bursts into flame.