It only takes a look from a person to remind you you've had sex with their doppelganger.
Chapter word count: 10k
Works summary: Sequel to Closed Eyes
Dan wasn't sure how long he had been staring at the sketch Henry had drawn pinned above his bed. They looked so alike, it was scary how Henry had drawn it from only Dan's description. The eyes, the curve of his lips, jut of his nose, all so close to being perfect that Dan could touch the paper and remember how Phil's skin felt.Phil's skin didn't feel like that anymore. Phil wasn't his Phil anymore. They weren't the same temperature and Dan knew how Phil had felt as a reflex, muscle memory, barely thinking. All he knew was touching his skin wasn't the same. Things weren't the same anymore.
Dan wasn't sure how long he had been staring at the sketch Henry had drawn pinned above his bed. They looked so alike, it was scary how Henry had drawn it from only Dan's description. The eyes, the curve of his lips, jut of his nose, all so close to being perfect that Dan could touch the paper and remember how Phil's skin felt. Phil's skin didn't feel like that anymore. Phil wasn't his Phil anymore. They weren't the same temperature and Dan knew how Phil had felt as a reflex, muscle memory, barely thinking. All he knew was touching his skin wasn't the same. Things weren't the same anymore.
Summary: based off this song. ‘You were red and you liked me because I was blue.’ Dan is an artist who sees people as colours and Phil needs money.
Warnings: mentions of depression and antidepressives
AN: Thank you to the fabulous emejig16 for editing this and sorting out my shit. I love this song so have been working on this for a while so i hope it’s good
Read on A03
LIFE DRAWING MODEL NEEDED
Must be willing to be drawn nude. Any gender or physique but must be interesting. Must be 20-30 years old. Will pay £50 per session or hours. Discuss in person. Model must be available after 8pm. Preferable long term commitment.
Contact number: 07913362736
Dan Howell
Phil stared at the poster and chewed his lip. Money was tight, and this was harmless, right? He fitted each category, was the right age, was any gender and owned a body. He didn’t really know what ‘interesting’ meant but he was covered in little moles he guessed might make him that? Phil could do nights and wasn’t planning to leave town for a while. If it was long term fifty quid seemed pretty good as well. And being drawn naked couldn’t hurt. Unless the guy started doing close ups of his crotch, then he might be a little skeptical.
Phil didn’t earn much fixing junk up that people just might buy and his heating was going to be shut off soon. It was winter, and that was one of the last things he’d need. He punched the number into his phone and pressed the dial button. Someone picked up after four rings.
“Hello,” he heard on the other end and Phil cleared his throat.
“Hi, I’m called Phil and I’m calling about your ad for a life model?” he checked, hoping the number was right.
“Yes. I’m Dan. Are you interested?” The voice asked, and it sounded disembodied and monotonous. Phil swallowed.
“Yeah, I am,”
“Willing for me to see your dick?” Dan asked bluntly and Phil blushed.
“Yeah, I mean, as long as you don’t just like, draw only that,” He said and he heard a dry laugh.
“How much do you need the money?” Phil scratched the back of his neck.
“Pretty badly,”
“Perfect.” Phil wet his lips. “I’ll save your number and text you when I want you. Are you not free at any points and willing to be on call?”
“I can’t do Sundays but any other day I can,”
“Good. We’ll talk about payment when we meet. I’ll text you my address and you’ll come over tonight. Bye.”
Phil tried to reply but the line was cut off. He stared at the phone in his hand. Dan didn’t seem too normal. His voice wasn’t soft, and it certainly wasn’t friendly. His words were to the point and every one had a bitter edge to it. Honestly, Phil was quite nervous. He knew this was London but most people were at least polite.
His phone buzzed and he received a text from an unknown number with an address and a time. Phil saved it quickly but didn’t reply. Money was money, he didn’t need to get too involved.
*
Dan opened the door and narrowed his eyes, then smirked. “Phil?” he asked and he sounded bored. Phil licked his lips. At least Dan looked young. He had a paintbrush behind his ear and black paint splatters were up his arms which made Phil wonder what he’d been doing before he’d turned up. His hair looked like it had collected dust in it from months ago and a cigarette hung from his lips.
“Yeah,” Phil nodded, holding out his hand to shake but Dan shook his head, chuckling.
“No need for formalities. Come in,” he said, moving into the apartment and Phil closed the door behind him. There was a sofa, a bare kitchen, a huge window which look like it led onto a balcony, a stool and a few doors leading off. Nothing had colour, apart from Dan’s paint. It was all white or black or silver. Phil felt very out of place her in his good shirt, glasses and with bags under his eyes.
“Mind if I smoke?” Dan asked, holding his cigarette out to an ashtray and tapping it, as if offering to put it out.
“Feel free.” Phil said and took off his coat.
“Right well I’m Dan, I’m twenty-four and I’m trying to make a portfolio. I have rich parents who don’t understand me. I thought I’d get the tragic backstory out the way before this happens,” he said and Phil gave a nervous chuckle, scratching the back of his neck.
“Er, I’m Phil, I’m twenty-eight and I don’t have much money because my job is kind of terrible. I’m close with my family but I don’t accept their charity and I’ve never modelled for anyone nude before,” he said and Dan nodded, a small smirk on his lips.
“Well Phil just pretend we’re going to have sex but instead of having sex I’ll just be sketching you while you sit on my sofa,” Dan said and Phil wondered if he was trying to make him more uncomfortable.
“Okay,” he said slowly. “Should I get undressed?” he asked and Dan nodded.
“Change wherever, I won’t watch.” he said, turning to a cardboard box and pulling paints out of it.
Phil shuffled a little behind the sofa away from Dan so if he did turn around, well, at least there was a little blockage. He undid his shirt and slid it off, happy Dan’s apartment was at least warm and he paused before giving himself a small pep talk and sliding off his jeans. He heard Dan laugh as he hopped around with one sock off and he blushed. Phil then slid off his boxers and stood awkwardly with his hands gingerly covering himself.
“What do you want me to do?” He asked and Dan turned and looked at him, his eyes seeming to stare intensely at every part of his body.
“Sit however is comfortable. And I mean comfortable, I don’t care if I see anything or not,” Dan said and Phil sat down, wiggling a little on the lumpy cushions before bringing one of his legs to rest upon the other in a square. It was revealing he knew, but Dan said comfy and at least Phil knew basic self-defence if Dan tried anything.
Dan lugged his easel over and Phil noticed all Dan’s paint was blue. “Are you doing colour work?” Phil asked and Dan chuckled.
“I see the world differently to other people,” he said dramatically. “I see people in certain colours and shades,” he declared and the words were out of Phil’s lips before he could stop them.
“Are you trying to be pretentious?” he asked curiously, realising his tone might have been a little intrusive, and Dan’s eyes flickered before he smiled. But this time it felt less cold.
“A little. I act my worst to see if you’ll stay, not many people do,” he said honestly and Phil smiled a little.
“Lucky for you I’m pretty patient,”
“And pretty desperate.” Dan added, rolling his eyes; yet evidently looked pleased. He grabbed a pencil and started to sketch Phil, who tried not to move but realised he was tensed up when Dan stared at him for a minute and motioned to lower his shoulders.
Honestly, it wasn’t as awkward as it could have been. At least it was only one person staring at him, and Dan’s art would hopefully make him look good. Dan had also said he liked his body, and instead of running for the hills Phil managed to wink back which had startled Dan for second, but that air of happiness came back to him.
The smoke from Dan’s cigarette was filling up the room a little and Phil got a bit distracted and stared at it spiralling from Dan’s lips.
“Do you smoke?” Dan asked and Phil shook his head.
“Mum would kill me. Also don’t have the money for it,” he said and Dan tutted.
“It’s annoying someone like you doesn’t even try to look artsy,” he said and Phil quirked his head.
“What do you mean?”
Dan rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. “Phil, you’re attractive and with your face and glasses you could easily get away with being out there. You could be so grunge if you smoked, I’d love to paint it. Not that I’d force you to smoke, but you could at least dye your hair or whatever,” Dan explained and Phil pushed his fringe back.
“I do dye my hair, check out these roots,” he said and Dan laughed. It was a little hollow, but rough and real at least.
“Fair enough. I was wondering how it could be natural with your eyebrows.” Dan thought out loud and shoved a paintbrush in his mouth before he started squeezing out the colour on a palette. He used the same base colour and only added a small amount of white or black. Dan was a lot quieter now, but it was actually peaceful to watch him work. Phil wasn’t sure if it was the second paintbrush between his lips or the earnest look in his eyes as he worked that made it fascinating to watch. Phil didn’t even know what Dan was painting. He hoped it was actually him.
“You look like you’re dreaming. Do you always look like that when you’re thinking?” Dan asked randomly and Phil blinked.
“I don’t know, why?”
“It’s really hard to get your expression right,”
“Sorry, should I do something else?” Phil asked and Dan shook his head.
“I said it was hard, not that I couldn’t do it,” he said firmly.
“I didn’t say you couldn’t,” Phil said passively and Dan didn’t look at him. Phil went back to thinking.
*
“Done,” Dan stated and Phil stood up and stretched. He slid his boxers on before wandering over towards Dan and the painting, seeing a smirk on Dan’s lips.
“Decency is important to you? Good choices in life,” he murmured and Phil would have snapped back but he got distracted by the painting. Dan really could paint. It was almost scary. His brush strokes were large but tiny details were added everywhere. Nowhere was just one big block of the same hue, so many tones were worked into each section. It was breathtaking.
“It’s nearly one AM,” Dan said softly, running his fingers through the last bits of paint on his brush, not looking at him. Phil wondered if this was an apology.
“That’s okay,” Phil told him. He didn’t sleep that well anyway, at least he was being productive.
“Er here’s your money,” Dan said timidly. His cheeks were a little flushed. Dan held out some notes from the ends and Phil took them, then his eyes widened.
“I thought it was fifty,” he said quietly. This was double that. Dan looked at the floor.
“You were here for a while. Just use some of it to get a taxi back. You’re a good model; I don’t want you stabbed,” Dan joked and Phil grinned at him.
“A stab wound might make me look interesting though,” Phil commented and Dan shook his head.
“I don’t think you need one.” Dan commented, causing Phil to smile as he caught his eyes.
“Thank you.” he said earnestly and Dan looked away, his eyebrows raised slightly. Phil started to put his clothes on and Dan didn’t say anything, just kept staring at the painting. Once Phil was done he went and stood beside him again.
“It’s beautiful,” he said softly and Dan shook his head.
“You’re just complimenting yourself,” Dan replied bluntly and Phil chuckled.
“Well I do look good in blue; it makes my eyes pop apparently.” Phil said lightly.
Dan’s lips twitched upwards. “Anyways Philip, I’ll text you when I next need you and your wonderful body. You must promise tell me at some point where you got that scar that’s shaped like a banana on your thigh,” he said and Phil blushed, looking down before tugging his scarf around his neck.
“Goodnight Dan.” he said, making sure the money was in his pocket as he left the apartment, casting a glance back at Dan who was looking at the paint on his fingers.
*
Waiting for Dan to text made Phil feel like they had been on a date but neither of them wanted to seem clingy and text first. Dan had said he would text and Phil couldn’t stop glancing at his phone before getting irritated at himself for acting like a teenager. He just wanted to know when he could make some more money. He didn’t actually want to see Dan because he was interested or anything, he just needed to pay his bills.
However after three days when Phil received a text, he was a little more tuneful in his whistling while he fixed a music box.
*
“Hey,” Phil smiled this time when Dan opened the door.
“Coffee?” Dan asked and Phil nodded.
“Sure.” he said and took off his coat as Dan slunk into the kitchen.
“How do you take it?” Dan asked and Phil joined him. It was surprisingly clean.
“Two sugars and milk,”
“I would have thought you’d take it black,” Dan said and Phil shook his head.
“You don’t know that much about me.” Phil pointed out and Dan fell quiet, seeming to ignore him. “Er what do you want to do today?” He asked.
“Lots of brief sketches. You don’t have to get fully naked though, lucky for you and for me,” Dan said snidely and Phil inwardly huffed.
“Are you saying you don’t like dicks?” Phil asked and Dan laughed.
“The opposite. But drawing them is just a bit…” he trailed off and made a weird hand gesture to explain. “I’m sad you’re not wearing a button up shirt though, I was going to ask you to wear it open with your boxers,” Dan said and Phil shrugged.
“Do you want to do something else today instead?” he asked, taking the mug Dan passed him and smiling as he sipped. He really needed this to stay awake right now. Being able to see how dark it was through Dan’s big windows wasn’t helping.
“Nah just borrow one of my shirts,” Dan said and sipped from his own mug, his eyes narrowing as he stared at Phil yet he didn’t say anything.
Phil gave him a small smile and Dan looked away out of the window, grabbing a pack of cigarettes from his jean pocket and pulling one out, tucking it behind his ear for later.
“Right Phil, get stripping and on the sofa,” Dan said winking as he left his cup in the kitchen, walking through to a room leading off. Phil guessed it was his bedroom. He set his cup down on a side table and undid his shoe laces, pulling off his shoes and then undoing his jeans and sliding them off as well.
“Leave your socks on,” Dan called as he walked back in and threw a shirt to Phil, laughing as it hit him in the face.
“Thanks,” Phil said as he pulled his top off and slid the shirt over his shoulders. “Wait is this designer?” Phil asked and Dan turned away, a mild blush on his face.
“I’m going to need to you change positions every ten minutes or so so I hope you’re good at lounging,” Dan told him and Phil didn’t continue the conversation. He sat on the sofa and grabbed his cup, sipping more as Dan pulled out a sketchbook and coloured pencils. He grabbed a chair and sat opposite Phil but closer than the last time.
“Right Phil, get comfy,” Dan said and Phil tucked his legs up and leant back, cradling the mug in his lap. “Okay right now freeze.” Dan decided and he started sketching. Phil watched him while he worked again, seeing him pause half way through to light his cigarette and flash Phil a grin as he blew smoke in his direction.
Dan made Phil change positions often, even making him face away so he could sketch his back. Phil hadn't noticed him pulling his chair closer.
“You need a massage.” Dan had commented when he saw it, and poked his shoulder blade with the end of his pencil, but he spent the longest working on it. When he asked Phil to lie down on the sofa he was woken up at some point later by Dan calling his name and prodding him again with his pencil. Phil realised he couldn’t see and Dan pointed out that his glasses had fallen on the floor. He groped around for them for a second and saw Dan was looking at him, almost with concern.
“Do you often fall asleep on people’s sofas?” Dan asked and Phil chuckled with embarrassment.
“It was a comfy sofa,” he reasoned but Dan was still staring.
“Did you not sleep well?” Dan wondered and Phil let out a sigh, but smiled.
“I don’t sleep too great usually,” he said.
“Insomnia?”
Phil shrugged. “Something like that,” he said and sat up, stretching while Dan stepped away. “Anyway sorry about that, do you need to draw anymore?” he asked and Dan looked confused and shook his head.
“No. It’s getting late. You should sleep in your own home,” Dan said sharply and Phil swallowed back guilt.
“I’m sorry, I’ll get going,” he said and Dan opened his mouth to speak, but then dropped his head and turned away. Phil got dressed, leaving the shirt over the sofa and was about to leave before Dan spoke up.
“Payment,” Dan said and passed him some money before shoving his hands in his pocket. “I meant that you trust me already to fall asleep in my house?” he said quietly and Phil felt his brain ‘oh’.
“Er yeah I guess. I mean if you were going to do something the other day I was naked and you didn’t seem to care. Plus, you’re young; I don’t really see you as a threat,” Phil explained, fixing his glasses.
“Don’t call me young,” Dan responded and Phil laughed.
“That’s what you focused on?”
“I’m not that much younger than you!” Dan argued and Phil teasingly hummed.
“I don’t know, a lot can happen in four years,” he said and Dan squared his shoulders.
“However I am taller than you,” Dan stated and Phil chuckled.
“If that makes you feel better then okay. Bye Dan,” he smiled and opened the door, waving before closing it. He pulled his scarf around him again and smiled to himself. Dan was more interesting than he thought.
*
“Can I look through your sketchbook one day?” Phil asked as he put his clothes back on. He was a lot less self conscious about being naked around Dan now. He’d been doing this for a few weeks, so didn’t care about changing in private anymore. Dan was wiping paint off his hands with a towel and he paused, seeming to consider it. “I mean just the stuff you’ve done of me. I haven’t seen your pencil work yet,” Phil continued, feeling flustered.
Dan paused before speaking.“Sure,” he said slowly and walked over to his sketchbook, picking it up to hand it over but his hand jerked and he dropped it as Phil reached out. “Sorry,” he mumbled. Phil just gave him a soft smile and leant down, picking it up where it had fallen open and saw a woman painted in greens.
“Do you have other models?” Phil asked, curious, and Dan shook his head, looking upset.
“No, er. She was my last one,” he mumbled. “She didn’t last long,” he said and Phil bit his lip.
“Can I ask why?”
“I… You know how I said I saw things in colour? I didn’t like hers, there’s only three of her in there.” Dan shuffled nervously and Phil passed him back his sketchbook. “I tried to, I just…” he trailed off.
“I’ll look another time,” Phil decided and Dan nodded.
“Thanks,” he said quietly and Phil went to put his hand on Dan’s shoulder but he flinched away. “I don’t do touching,” he said firmly, his icy defence coming back up and Phil didn’t think it suited him.
“That’s fine. Also, if you start to hate whatever colour I am then just tell me, I won’t hate you for it,” Phil said honestly and Dan kept staring at the floor.
“I like blue,” he whispered. Then he let out a false laughed and ran a hand through his hair. “Anyways Phil next time I’ll need to see your fabulous ass, do some squats before you come over,” he drawled and Phil inwardly sighed, and outwardly winked.
“Anything for you, highness,” Phil joked. He bowed and then pushed his glasses up his nose, giving Dan a softer smile as he slipped out of his apartment. As he shut the door he rested his hand against it, wondering if Dan would be any warmer than the wood. His phone buzzed and he pulled it out, tilting his head as he saw it was from Dan.
I changed my mind, you won’t have to get naked tomorrow.
Phil couldn’t stop smiling.
*
“It’s open!” he heard Dan call as he knocked on the door, and Phil smiled as he pushed it open. Dan was sat on his windowsill smoking, staring out into the dark.
“You shouldn’t leave your door open, you could get robbed,” Phil tutted but Dan kept staring outside. “Hey you okay?” Phil asked more tentatively and Dan looked around, a little startled.
“Er yeah… yeah,” he muttered and slid down, crushing his cigarette in his ashtray. “You don’t have to get undressed today,” he said quietly and Phil smiled.
“I know, I got your text,” he said and Dan looked uneasy.
“I want to draw your hands, if that’s okay,” he stated and Phil furrowed his brow but nodded.
“Yeah of course. Not to be pushy but Dan, are you sure you’re okay?” he checked and Dan nodded mutely. He didn't look like he was, but Phil didn't want to push him. “Okay,” Phil said quietly, deciding to leave the topic alone. “Where do you want me?”
“On the sofa,” Dan decided and Phil shrugged off his coat and sat down. He was a little shocked when Dan sat beside him, a blanket dividing their thighs but an earnest look on his face. His pencil was clutched in his hand and he passed Phil the coloured ones.
“Show me the palm of your hand,” Dan said and Phil held it up, as if he was looking for a high five.
“Rest it on your knee you idiot,” Dan laughed and Phil blushed as he put it down. He let his hand relax and Dan smiled a little, taking one of the coloured pencils from Phil’s hand and starting to sketch it out, Phil watching him work. Dan was a little flushed but was smiling while he drew, swapping pencils from Phil’s hand often. He wasn’t shading it fully, but when Dan filled in the veins along his wrist Phil felt himself shiver. He felt like Dan had just reminded him he was alive.
Dan raised his eyebrow at him as his hand shook, not looking amused and Phil squirmed, marginally embarrassed at his poetic feelings. “It’s just a bit cold in here,” he lied. “Is it cold in here?” Phil asked and Dan shrugged, continuing to draw.
“I’m boiling,” he said and Phil’s stomach dropped. Phil had goosebumps along his arm and so did Dan, but he was heavily flushed and kept wincing.
“Do you have a headache?” he asked and Dan nodded.
“Yeah, I’ll just draw through it though. I don’t want to waste your time,” Dan said and Phil shook his head.
“Dan I think you have a fever, you look like you’re burning up,” Phil said worriedly and Dan gritted his teeth.
“Phil I’m fine, honestly,”
“You were sitting by the window earlier because you were too hot, weren’t you?” Phil asked sternly and Dan put his pencil down, looking into Phil’s eyes.
“I’m fine.” He said firmly and Phil looked right back, curling his palm up. He wanted to check Dan’s temperature by feeling his forehead, but he was just going to stick with other signs instead. And the other signs stated that Dan wasn’t well.
“You don’t have to be strong all the time you know,” he said softly and Dan’s eyes welled up. “Go to bed, I’ll bring you water and some pain killers. You got any?” he asked and Dan nodded.
“Bathroom cabinet,” he mumbled and stood up, wobbling and gripping the sofa.
“Whoa careful,” Phil said, holding out his arms ready to catch Dan, but making sure he didn’t touch him.
“I don’t like skin touching,” Dan mumbled, clutching his head. “Clothes are fine.” That was the plea Phil needed to hear. He quickly grabbed his scarf and gloves and slid them on before smiling at Dan and pulling his arm over his shoulder and grabbing his waist.
“This okay?” he asked and Dan nodded, looking bleary. “So you’re like Rogue from X-men?” he added, and Dan chuckled weakly.
“Something like that.”
Phil half helped, half carried Dan to his room and sat him down on his bed. “Do you wanna strip off and climb into bed, I’ll go get you water and stuff.” Phil gave Dan a smile before he left.
He threw his scarf on the sofa and quickly ducked into the bathroom, looking in the cabinet and finding the pain killers. He also saw a flannel and grabbed that too before walking into the kitchen. He poured a glass of water and found a bowl, filling that as well and carried all back through to Dan’s room. Dan was sprawled like a starfish against the sheets in just his boxers and Phil rolled his eyes, resting the stuff on his side table.
“Sit up, you need to drink this and take these,” Phil said and Dan let out a groan.
“No,” he whined and Phil sighed.
“I’m not giving you a choice.” He said firmly and without too much trouble, helped Dan up into a sitting position and handed him two pain killers and made him drink at least half the glass.
“Phil, I’m dying,” Dan whined as he swallowed the pills and Phil laughed.
“You’re not. I promise. Those pills will help your head and start to bring your fever down, but now I’m going to make you feel really good,” he drawled and Dan whined again.
“Not sex,”
“No,” Phil chuckled and dipped the flannel into the bowl and wrung it out before pressing it against Dan’s forehead, hearing him gasp in pleasure. His gloves were wet but he honestly didn’t care. He was busy staring at how Dan’s fringe was curling from the moisture.
“Fuck.” Dan said and Phil laughed, pushing his hair back as he dabbed his face. Phil helped Dan lie back down and put the blanket over him (even if he threw it off) and was about to go and top up Dan’s water when Dan spoke up.
“Are you leaving?” he mumbled. Judging by the tone of his voice, Phil knew from the tone in his voice he wasn’t leaving this apartment until Dan was better.
“Just getting you more water. If you want when I come back maybe I’ll explain how I got that scar,” Phil said and Dan closed his eyes and smiled.
“Okay.”
*
Phil was sitting beside Dan on his bed now. Dan was falling in an out of sleep but was still trying to talk to him, and Phil didn’t have the heart to move. It was also comforting to see Dan without personal censors, acting young and more natural. The light was still off, and Dan seemed a lot happier to talk about personal things when he wasn’t able to be seen properly.
“Hey Phil, what are your parents like?” Dan mumbled and Phil smiled fondly.
“Kind. Quite protective and only strict sometimes. I’m very close with them,” he said and Dan hummed.
“Do you have any siblings?”
“A brother. We’re close too, but he lives in Florida,” he said and Dan sighed. “Do you?”
“Only child. M’not close to my parents, they think money is love though so they’d disagree.” Phil wrung the cloth out and looked at Dan for a few seconds. Sadness was clear on his face. “It’s lonely,” he whispered and then rolled away from Phil. “I’m lonely.”
Phil didn’t know what to say. Instead he placed the cloth to the back of Dan’s neck, making him shiver.
“S’nice,” Dan mumbled and Phil smiled, before he noticed the tattoo where his neck dipped into his back. It was a tiny bottle with the words “drink me” on the label, and Phil smiled. His smile quickly faded when he noticed that the bottle was full of pills, and Phil covered it with the cloth.
“Alice in Wonderland?” he asked and Dan rolled onto his back, hiding it.
“Yeah. It’s not such a happy story, even if it’s full of colour and people,” Dan said dryly and Phil slid the cloth along Dan’s collarbones. “Would you get a tattoo?” he shuddered and Phil dipped the cloth again.
“I wouldn’t know what to get it of. I could get a stab wound though,” he teased and Dan smiled and shook his head, rocking his whole body with it.
“No, I said you didn’t need one.” Dan smiled for a while and giggled when he wiped his stomach, and Phil felt the muscles clench. He shut his eyes for a while and Phil had thought he’d maybe fallen asleep, but Dan spoke up again.
“Phil, do you like boys? It would be great if you did. One of my models wasn’t as pretty as you, and he didn’t have such a big-“
“Whoa there Dan. Calm down,” Phil blushed.
“He was also rude, and didn’t care. And he wasn’t blue. Blue is my favourite colour,” he mumbled and Phil smiled.
“Am I blue then?” Phil humoured him and Dan nodded.
“Of course.” He paused, a delicate smile on his lips. “You’re beautiful.”
Phil ran a hand through his hair and looked out the window. They hadn’t closed the curtains and he could see the other flats barely lit it had gotten so late. Dan couldn’t say stuff like this unless he was almost out of his mind, and it was driving Phil a little bit crazy. Dan didn’t feel normal to him.
“I’m not blue,” Dan murmured and Phil looked over at him again. Dan’s eyes were squeezed shut and he was gripping at the fabric of his sheets. “I suck the colour out of people if I touch them. I don’t want to do that to anyone.” Phil was quiet and wrapped his hand in the blanket before patting Dan’s arm.
“How do you see people?” Phil asked and Dan hummed.
“How blind are you without your glasses?” he asked.
“Pretty blind,”
“Take them off.” Dan instructed and Phil paused before sliding them off his nose. “Now imagine someone’s face and imagine swirls going through them. For each person I see a different colour and I can’t stop seeing the colours on them. I’ve seen them lose their colour when I touched them,” he whispered and Phil shook his head.
“I don’t think you’re like that,” Phil said gently. “You give colour to people when you turn them into your artwork,”
“Really?” Dan mumbled hopefully and Dan took the cloth away.
“Goodnight Dan.”
A few minutes later Dan was breathing soundly and Phil shuffled off the bed, shutting the curtains and grabbing a spare blanket from the end of it and making camp on the sofa. He looked at his hands in the dark, and if he squinted enough, he thought he saw the blue Dan liked so much.
*
Phil woke up with a crick in his back and pillow marks all over his face, but he smiled when he remembered where he was. He slipped on his glasses and checked the time on his phone. He had work in about an hour but that was okay.
He stumbled through to Dan’s room and saw him still asleep, his blankets around his ankles and almost eating his pillow. “Dan,” he murmured. “Wake up.” Dan just groaned and rolled over. “Dan,” Phil urged, tugging the blanket off him and wrapping it around his hand before poking him.
“I don’t wanna,” he whined.
“You need to take more painkillers and drink something,” Phil said and Dan turned to look at him, squinting.
“Wait, why are you still here?” he asked, looking more awake.
“I slept on your sofa, I hope that’s okay,” Phil said and Dan shook his head.
“No, I mean why did you sleep on my sofa?”
“In case you needed me,” Phil said as if it was obvious and Dan looked shocked. “I’ve got work soon so I’ll have to leave in a bit but now you need to drink something,” he said, handing Dan his glass of water and popping out two pills for him.
“Can you get my other pills too?” Dan asked quietly and Phil nodded.
“Of course. Where are they?” he asked and Dan pulled the blanket up his body.
“Kitchen,”
“Okay. Wait can you take painkillers with them?” he asked and Dan shrugged. Phil pulled out his phone and went on the NHS website. “Don’t take anything, I’m going to go check your pills,” Phil ordered.
Dan had transferred them into a bottle like his tattoo, the bright blue tablets gleaming against the glass. He was going to groan and ask Dan if he knew the name of them, information being more important than aesthetic purposes, but he noticed a pot beside them and saw the same pills inside. He checked the label and he found out Dan could take both pills and it wouldn’t cause any negative side effects.
“Here, you can take both,” Phil said and passed them to Phil.
“You’re too caring, it’s annoying,” Dan told him bluntly and Phil blinked, then smiled nervously.
“Only when there’s someone important to care about,” he said and went to refill Dan’s cup.
Dan was doing better today. He didn’t look as hot and he had said his head wasn’t as foggy. That didn’t mean Phil would forget everything Dan had told him last night. Dan was lonely and needed someone around. Phil sort of hoped he could be that person. Not for selfish reasons of course.
He stole some toast from Dan’s kitchen and popped his head around the door before he had to leave. “Text me if you need anything, I’ll come back over after my shift to check up on you,” He said and was about to leave when Dan called him back.
“Money,” Dan muttered as Phil walked back over to him, and Dan shoved triple the usual amount in his hand.
“Why are you giving me so much?” Phil asked and Dan looked at his hands and didn’t speak. Phil placed a hundred back in his lap and Dan caught his eye in confusion. “You don’t need to pay me for caring, I do that naturally.” He said and with a smile he had left Dan’s apartment.
*
From Dan: You don’t have to come over tonight.
To Dan: I am and I’m bringing you soup
From Dan: I hate soup
To Dan: Is tomato okay? Also if you get hungry have some toast
From Dan: Fine. What are you doing?
To Dan: Trying to fix an old clock, you know, working
From Dan: Sorry.
To Dan: Don’t worry about it. Focus on getting better ☺
From Dan: Stop being so cheerful
To Dan: ☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺
*
“Dan open the door or I’ll try opening it with what I’m holding and unless you want a soupy door then let me in,” Phil called cheerfully as he knocked on the door and he heard a groan from the other side, but the door swung open.
“I hate you,” Dan mumbled and Phil handed him the soup.
“Yeah yeah now go back to bed,” he said and Dan shook his head.
“I want to paint you,” Dan said and Phil smiled but shook his head.
“You’re not well enough,” Phil told him and Dan glared at him.
“And you’re not my mum,” Dan quipped and Phil rubbed the back of his neck.
“Okay. But have your soup first,” He said and took it back off him, walking back through to the kitchen while Dan huffed on the sofa.
“Did I ever tell you you’re annoying?” Dan asked dryly, his air of ‘asshole’ coming back and Phil just rolled his eyes back.
“You have quite a bit, but then you also told me my dick is big so…” he trailed off and Dan blushed.
“Please don’t tell me you remember everything I rambled about last night?” Dan asked hopefully and Phil just winked. “Fuck you!” Dan called as Phil transferred his soup into a bowl and Phil just laughed in response.
Dan ate his soup on the sofa and let Phil flick through his sketchbook. Phil was in awe with every picture. He had no idea he looked like that. Not in the way that he hadn’t seen his shoulders and back properly, but that he was made up of so many different blues. Some were so dark they could almost be black and some were almost green, but the way they had been placed Phil couldn’t help but believe in the way Dan saw the world. More and more were added as time had gone on and Phil wondered how many he was really made up of if they went on to know each other for years.
He slid of his glasses and looked at Dan, who tilted his head to the side. “What are you doing?” Dan asked.
“Trying to work out what colour you are,” Phil said but Dan shook his head quickly.
“There’s no point,” he told him sharply and Phil squinted further.
“But I think I can see something-“Phil started but Dan grabbed his glasses and shoved them on his face, nearly touching Phil’s cheek in the rush.
“Don’t,” he ordered and Phil swallowed, seeing Dan looking angry.
“Sorry,” he mumbled and stood up, walking into the kitchen and running his hands through his hair. He’d tried to get too much into Dan’s world. He had said he only needed the money, wouldn’t get involved, but now he was invested. He was invested in Dan.
“Fuck,” he whispered to himself. He wasn’t meant to do this, relationships didn’t work out well for Phil. Dan was right, Phil cared too much, cared for others too much and it meant that he was always tossed aside in heartbreak. He didn’t want to go through this again. Dan only needed his body, he didn’t need his personality. Phil needed to distance himself.
He straightened himself and poured a glass of water before taking a breath and walking back into the front room. Dan was sprawled on the sofa with his eyes shut, seeming to have fallen asleep. Phil sipped his water and wondered about running away.
“You know it’s kind of hard painting without a model,” Dan said and Phil stared at him.
“It’s hard to paint with your eyes closed,” Phil retorted as coolly as he could and Dan sat up, keeping his eyes shut.
“Want a bet?”
“Dan, no,” Phil said and Dan opened his eyes tilting his head in confusion. “Because you’d be paying me for nothing,” he explained, trying to be as emotionless as possible and Dan drooped. Phil regretted it the moment he said it. Dan started picking at his sleeves and gnawed on his lip, before a small smile sat upon his lips. His eyes never reached Phil’s as he sighed.
“Yeah, I guess, okay,” he said finally.
Phil modelled for him, but Dan’s painting wasn’t good. He still paid him, but Phil hated the money in his hands. They hadn’t joked, hadn’t smiled, and Dan had used barely any colours. As Phil let himself out he peeked at Dan through the corner of his eye to see him drag his hand through the wet paint, smearing it. Dan just kept running his hands through the paint and then stared at them, and Phil couldn’t stand to look when he saw Dan wipe his cheek and start to shake. He let the door close as quietly as possible and walked home, even if Dan had given him money for a cab. Maybe being stabbed would make him be a less shitty person.
*
Tonight at 9.
Five days. It had been five days before Dan had texted him. Phil hadn’t known how to talk to Dan, and was too scared to just show up at his apartment, and now he had to. He needed to go and apologise, to stop kidding himself that he didn’t like Dan as any more than a friend. Were they even friends in the first place? They weren’t exactly close but Phil knew a lot about him. Technically Dan was his employer, his boss but there was no way in hell he was ever saying that to Dan’s face; he’d tease the shit out of him. They were acquaintances? More than that. They had a mutual ‘like’.
Phil hit the side of his head. He was just thinking about Dan now. Fuck. This like wasn’t mutual, it was skyrocketing on Phil’s side. He was getting too deep. He was sinking though blues and that was all he was clinging to. A brush and a tube of paint. He wasn’t anything more without his artist.
He hit his head against the table and his colleague gave him a concerned look. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
*
Phil stood outside Dan’s flat for about two minutes before he knocked. He couldn’t stop thinking about how to act, how to make things better. Unfortunately he was also thinking about how not to keep getting closer to Dan. It seemed hopeless.
The door creaked open and Phil was met by raised eyebrows and a smirk. “Nice of you to drop by,” Dan said lightly and Phil shifted uncomfortably. “Boxers today, hope it’s not too cold, he said flatly. It almost sounded as if he didn’t care at all. The Dan he had first met was back, defences and all. Phil hated knowing he was the cause of it.
He nodded wordlessly and as Dan walked over to the easel he shut the door behind him before he started to strip down to his boxers. This felt horrible. He didn’t want to be here like this. He didn’t want Dan to look like he hadn’t slept and the apartment to look more covered in more smoke than usual. Dan was stubbing out a cigarette at the moment but lit a new one instantly. Phil frowned. Dan didn't move a muscle.
“On the sofa,” Dan winked and Phil nodded again and shoved his glasses up his nose, almost opening his mouth to tell Dan he didn't have to act like this, but shut it, sitting down normally. “I’m doing your legs today, so cross them and hug them to your body,” Dan told him, gesturing with his paintbrush before he started.
They were completely silent, and Dan was frowning as he worked. Phil had buried his face in his knees but was peering at Dan. This wasn’t the look he had when he concentrated, but was sad, and hopeless. “Phil.” He said softly and Phil looked up from the floor at him. “I need you to be yourself so I can paint you properly. This person you are right now, well, they’re not even blue.” Dan’s words were dry, and he wet his lips after. They had been hard to say and Phil saw that, heard that, and thought about how to fix it. Then he had an idea.
“Is it okay if I move?” Phil asked abruptly and Dan looked nervous.
“Yeah,” he said, glancing towards the front door, assuming that’s where he thought Phil would be going. But Phil was looking at a different exit.
“You have a balcony right?” Phil said, letting his legs drop and walk over to the window which connected it, unlocking it and pushing it open. “Come with me,” Phil said, flashing Dan a smile before slipping out. The cold gnawed at his skin and it was absolutely freezing but he could see across the city and it was so beautiful at night. The sky was such a deep purple and few dusty clouds were drifting above his head, the moon floating behind them every so often. No one could see him while he could see the world, hiding in the shadows. He'd have to come out here more.
“Phil you’re going to freeze,” Dan said, having followed and Phil just grinned at him as he stepped down beside him. “Now what?” he asked and Phil rolled his shoulders.
“Dan, I’m gonna scream. Cover your ears.” He warned and Dan looked bewildered before Phil grabbed the brick wall and yelled. He closed his eyes and started to yell at the top of his lungs, letting the cold air paralyse his mouth but his eyes flickered open when he heard screaming from beside him. Dan was shouting too, and there was a grin on his face as he looked back at him.
Phil thought he might have fallen in love with that midnight smile.
Their screams died down into laughter and Dan quickly ducked back inside, but came out and threw a blanket over Phil. He was thankful Dan wanted to stay outside too. They stared out at the car lights flashing and the moon that was so small it barely gave off any light, and then Dan began to talk to him.
"Some people I see together, their colours clash, and that’s okay. But some people I see drain their lover's colour, and those are the people I can’t stand. No one is the same colour, but when I see a couple where one person's hue is brighter than their partner's, I get angry. It makes me want to run up to the person and tell them about it all, but then I’d just be some mad man, wouldn’t I? It’s so sad, and it makes me forget of all the bright colours around me. Seeing that sadness, it scares me away from people. It’s like they’re slowly sucking the soul from the other and only I can see it. I would never want to do that to someone." Dan didn’t look at him, but Phil saw the unspoken words on his lips. 'I would never want to do that to you’.
He wanted to bolt, he wanted to run away, but if he did that he wanted Dan to come with him. He wanted to clash his colours with Dan's and make new ones but he didn’t want to change things to grey. He didn't want to risk it, just like Dan didn’t want to.
"I wouldn’t want to do it either," Phil said softly and Dan gave a hollow laugh.
"No wonder we get on so well.” Dan chuckled, and Phil had to look away. They kept looking out before Phil made sure the blanket was covering him and nudged his hip against Dan to get his attention.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered and Dan half smiled.
“Me too,” Dan said. “But you’re getting your colour back now,” he added and Phil smiled.
“Thanks to you,” he said and Dan laughed and shook his head.
“Let’s say I’m returning it then.” Dan said and climbed back through the window.
Dan used more colours this time when he painted, and he was smiling a little when Phil talked to him. Phil finally told him where that scar had come from and Dan had laughed at the irony, accidentally getting flecks of teal in his hair and Dan told him that his hair had been bleached light blue for a bit and that he’d dyed it brown back on top of it, so it looked a bit like he was going grey early. Phil said he had a white patch he always dyed over and Dan tried to guess where. They made jokes and teased each other and smiled as they learnt more and more. Phil had been so busy talking that when Dan had said he’d finished, he was shocked. He stood up and went to look at it and almost choked when he saw Dan had painted him out of waves and sea foam.
“I think it’s my best so far,” Dan said softly and smiled at Phil before leaving to wash his brushes.
Phil squinted his eyes after him, but he couldn’t quite see Dan’s colour yet. He was going to keep trying until he could.
Dan forgot to pay Phil that night, but Phil knew he wasn't doing this for the money at all anymore. He was doing it for colours and the hope of a dimpled smile.
*
The next time Dan asked him to come over it was a Saturday, and he asked him to come later than usual. When he turned up, he saw Dan had created a mound of blankets on the floor, and when Phil asked about them, he rubbed the back of his neck and flushed, looking away as he mumbled about maybe going out onto the balcony. Phil couldn't stop his smile.
"Also I ordered Chinese, I hope you like Chow Mein and Sweet and Sour," Dan said and Phil smiled so wide he could only nod. While they waited for the food to turn up they huddled on the balcony, each swathed in blankets. Dan had put candles in jars on the wall so they could see and they flickered light into his eyes. There wasn't much room so Phil relished in the feel of Dan's knees against his as they faced each other, tilting their heads back and resting on heavy palms to look at the stars, breath rising to meet the clouds.
"I don't know much about the stars," Phil told him quietly. "I mean apart from the belt and the dipper. And that they're pretty and aliens live among them," he said thoughtfully and Dan grinned.
"But we live among the stars too Phil, doesn't that mean we're aliens as well?" Dan asked. Phil groaned in response and Dan chuckled before his voice softened. "I know a bit about the stars, my dad taught me when I was little." He then fell quiet and Phil watched Dan look back upwards and sigh.
"What are your parents like?" Phil wondered out loud and Dan looked down at his hands. Phil opened his mouth to say that Dan didn't have to say, but he had already began talking.
"Cold. Well, they weren't always. When I was little they were warm and caring. We didn't have much money and that was okay. Then when I was eleven my dad's little company got investors and suddenly we were rolling in it. I went to private school and yeah I had whatever I wanted, but videogames don't love you. I was home alone a lot and in that time I secretly learnt how to draw and paint. The first time I showed my parents something I had done when I was sixteen they waved it off. I fought to go to a public sixth form where I took art B-Tech and it went really well. My parents never came to parents evening, and when it was the second year I still had no idea what to do after. I had the money for Uni so I went and did art there as far away from my parents as possible up north. They came to visit me once I think, but I spent holidays down there. It still felt lonely. I think second year in I went to the doctors and I got counselling, which didn't work. I never told them, and they don't know about my pills. They haven't even noticed my tattoo. I only moved here recently because I moved back home for a bit. I had to leave though, I couldn't face being around them. They were just so empty. They still pay money into my bank account- way too much money, so I spend most of it on art materials. I like living without a lot, so it's just necessities." He chewed his lips. "And you," he added as an afterthought, before laughing nervously, flicking his gaze back up to Phil. "Sorry, you didn't ask for my life story," he said and Phil wrapped his hand in his blanket and nearly slid his hand onto Dan’s cheek, but poked his forehead instead.
"Hey," he said softly so Dan would look at him. "You're not paying me to be on this balcony, are you?" he pointed out and Dan flushed. "I mean maybe in Chinese food, but I'd be here without it," he added and Dan laughed, grinning at him. They heard the bell ring and they looked around at the door. "Bagsy not getting it," Phil said quickly and Dan groaned but stood up and stepped over Phil, pushing his shoulder with his leg as he climbed out the window. Phil savoured the movement before staring up at the moon.
"You grant wishes sometimes, right?" he whispered to it. "Then please, if you can, make this one work. Just this once. Please." he murmured and he heard the door shut inside and soon Dan was climbing back out the window.
"I hope you can eat with chopsticks," Dan told him. "What do you want?" Dan said, offering him the bag. "There's also pineapple fritters."
"Should we eat half and then swap?" Phil asked and Dan nodded.
"I like your thinking." They shared the crackers and swapped food, feeling warmer with every bite and laughing when Phil managed to flick noodles over the wall. When they were done Dan held a fortune cookie in each hand, offering them out to Phil. "Pick one."
Phil chose the one on the right and broke into it as quickly as possible, Dan laughing at his eagerness. He unfurled his fortune and glared up at the moon. Asshole. It was probably smirking at him. He then looked over at Dan reading his, seeing a smile sketch onto his lips.
"What does yours say?" Phil asked and Dan cleared his throat dramatically.
“A friend asks only for your time, not your money." He laughed. "Your point was proven by a fortune cookie, are you proud?"
"I wrote it, that's why. I have fast food connections," he said, pretending to be mysterious. "Mine tells me to stop wishing and start doing," he told him and Dan wiggled his eyebrows.
"And what are you wishing for Philip?"
"I can't tell you or it won't come true, so unless you can bribe the moon then you will never know," he said and Dan laughed harder.
"You wished on the moon when there's a bunch of stars right in front of you? You're very special, I hope you know that," Dan teased.
"Actually..." Phil began, hoping he knew where this was going. "The moon reflects the sun's light so I'm using that to bounce my wish back to the sun so I'm actually wishing on the closest star so it happens faster," He burbled and Dan stared at him.
"You are so full of shit," he stated and started laughing again.
"I'm pretty though," Phil pointed out, sniggering too.
"Yeah, you're lucky about that," Dan chuckled.
“What even is the speed of wishes? Is it like the speed of light or slower?” Phil wondered and Dan laughed, then moved the food out of the way and turned around, lying back on Phil's ankles to look up at the sky. Phil was holding his breath. "You know how Van Gogh saw the sky? Imagine that with UFOs and rockets," Dan said and Phil smiled, looking down at him. He was wonderful. "Wouldn't that be amazing?" Dan asked, now looking at Phil with bliss in his eyes.
Phil should have probably told him he loved him, but he didn't. At least he didn't run away.
*
Dan had fallen asleep against his legs. It was probably inconvenient and too close, but Phil would have never wanted to move if Dan hadn't started shivering. Phil tried not to be, but he was a huge romantic. So stars, candles and a fucking beautiful artist asleep on his legs was making his heart beat faster. Phil wondered if Dan felt the same. Dan liked blue, told Phil he was beautiful, and didn't do touching, but was curled up against Phil practically purring. Phil wondered if Dan was like this with other people. He had no idea if Dan had other people. Phil didn't really have friends, in fact, Dan was his closest over Mo who worked in the shop with him. At least Dan didn't have other models. Unless he was hiding another sketchbook. Sometimes Phil saw different coloured splotches up Dan's arms and hands, but they were always grey. Dan had always said he didn't like people like that. Phil was happy Dan didn't think Phil was like that.
"Dan," Phil mumbled softly, trying to wake him up in the kindest way possible. Dan was lying on the folds of Phil's blankets so his hands were stuck, and he didn't want to move his ankles so Dan fell. "Dan," he repeated, and Dan whined, pulling the blanket around himself further. "Dan you'll freeze to death outside, go to bed," he told him and Dan paused and bit his lip.
"Will you stay over?" he asked, scrunching his eyes shut, and Phil looked up at the stars again. He had work tomorrow, and he shouldn't be doing something so intimate when he was trying to repress his emotions. Actually, he was forgetting why he was trying to do that as he felt Dan's hand clench over his ankle.
"Of course," he decided and Dan smiled before opening his eyes, looking up at Phil with enough warmth to heat Dan's apartment. His apartment was always toasty.
Dan sat up and they scrambled back through the window, not bothering to shut it and Phil was about to flop down on the sofa when Dan rubbed his eyes, pulling the blanket around him protectively, letting it drape over his head and hiding his mouth.
"You have work tomorrow?" he asked quietly and Phil nodded.
"Yeah. I'll set an alarm," Phil said and Dan bit his lip again, pausing before speaking.
"Your back will ache. Sleep with me," Dan offered, nervous confidence in his voice and Phil felt his jaw drop.
"Sleep with you?"
"I wasn't offering sex but if that's your reaction I never will," Dan teased, but he was twisting his hands under the blanket together. "I meant just share my bed. It is a double," he pointed out and Phil felt like he needed a week to decide his answer. But then he saw the lonely look flash over Dan's eyes. Dan needed this. Needed him. Phil was so fucked.
"If you're okay with it," he said and Dan smiled, bright and bubbly. "Then come to bed Philip." His dark tone and wink shattered that illusion.
"Cheeky." Phil replied, wiggling his eyebrows but honestly curling up in Dan's bed next to him sounded like bliss.
He followed Dan into his room and closed the curtains as Dan changed into pyjamas and then threw some to Phil. Phil smiled at the fact Dan's pyjamas consisted of sweatpants and an oversized jumper when he had passed Phil proper pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt. But the fabric looked so soft and as Dan rubbed his eyes again Phil felt like Dan was rubbing years away from his face. He looked like a child on a sleepover. Phil wondered if Dan had ever had a proper sleepover.
They cocooned themselves in blankets before crawling into bed, Dan facing Phil and curling up, one knee against Phil's leg and closing his eyes instantly.
"Aren't you worried we might actually touch in the night?" Phil asked with concern and Dan's eyes flicked open, but it was too dark for Phil to read them.
"I guess I just trust you a lot tonight," Dan said softly and Phil smiled as Dan shut his eyes again.
There were a lot of things Phil wanted to do. He wanted to feel Dan's hair between his fingers and see if Dan was as warm as he looked. He wanted to know every callous on Dan's hands and how his shoulders curved and dipped. He wanted to know how soft Dan's cheeks were and if his tattoo bumped under his fingertips. Phil didn't even need Dan's leg against his as he heard those words.
*
Phil pulled his shirt over his head, ruffling up his hair as he saw Dan add an extra detail onto Phil's body. "What're you doing?" he asked, crouching down as pulling on his socks.
"Putting highlights on your balls," Dan deadpanned and then tossed a smirk over at Phil. "Not really. Your hair didn't look shiny enough," he said and added another stroke. "Perfect."
"Thanks for the compliment," Phil grinned and walked over, standing behind Dan to ogle the painting. "I don't get how you do that," Phil told him, his voice softening and Dan shuffled in front of him.
"It's not that hard,"
"Yeah but I couldn't do it," Phil said and Dan turned to face him, a huge grin showing on his lips.
"Want a go?" Phil eyes bugged.
"At painting?"
"Or drawing. Want a go?"
"Are you wanting to model naked for me? Is that it? Are you trying to get me into your bed again?" Phil asked skeptically, just to see Dan blush and become flustered.
"I- No! Of course not, I mean..." Dan trailed off when Phil started laughing.
"Dan calm down. I'd love to have a go at painting something," he said and Dan smiled.
"I'll set stuff up for you."
*
For some reason Dan had agreed to being blindfolded. "I could go into another room if you don't want me to see do badly," he complained but Phil grinned, steering him by the shoulders and pushing him down on the sofa. "Oh you're being rough. I didn't think you'd be like that." Dan quirked an eyebrow and bit his lip dramatically.
"I swear you're a teenager sometimes, sex is always on your mind," Phil said and Dan leant forwards a little, his shirt falling to reveal his collarbones, biting his lip again to make it look plumper and Dan felt his neck heat up.
"You're always on my mind Philip," Dan said darkly and Phil shuddered. Dan started laughing, and the joke was over when Phil threw a pillow at him. Dan needed to stop flirting, it was driving Phil insane with want and a need to kiss Dan. However he wouldn't ever try. He wouldn't dare touch Dan's skin without his permission ever.
Anyway, the reason Dan was in here, was because Phil was going to paint him. It wasn’t like it was going to look decent because Phil had always been hopeless at art, but he wanted to try. He at least hoped his efforts would make Dan laugh. It might even show Dan how he felt.
*
"I'm done!" Phil called and Dan grinned.
"Can I take this off?" he asked and ripped off the blindfold anyway before he laughed. "You've got red on your cheek. How? There's nothing red in here," Dan chuckled and Phil smiled.
"I think there is," Phil told him and Dan looked around, still unsure of what he was talking about. "It's technically firebrick red, I looked up the colour online," Phil added and Dan rolled his eyes and walked over to look at Phil's painting. He was quiet for a whole minute before he spoke.
"You painted me?" he clarified slowly and Phil nodded. "You painted me red?" he asked again, reaching out and touching the wet paint, rubbing it between his fingers, before flinching away from it, quickly wiping it off with a rag.
"Yeah," Phil said, scratching the back of his neck. "It's not very good, but it's your colour," he said, finally looking at Dan who was staring at him. His eyes were wide with shock, but more than that, he looked scared.
"You're lying," Dan whispered and Phil stumbled back, nearly tripping over a chair, and he pushed his glasses back onto his nose.
"What?" Dan shook his head, his hands beginning to tremble as he pulled his sleeves over them.
"You're not right. I'm not red," he said, his breath getting heavier. "I could never be red."
Phil licked his lips before looking into Dan's eyes. "You are to me," he whispered and Dan dragged a hand through his hair, laughing nervously, almost madly.
"Phil, you can't... you can't just do things like that. You can't..." he trailed off, gulping the warm air into his lungs.
"Dan, I'm sorry," Phil said, stepping back towards him but Dan held his hands up.
"No. Don't." he said sharply. "Get out," he whispered. Dan finally looked him in the eyes and Phil felt something inside him tear.
"No," he breathed, the sound of ripping deafening his ears. "Please, no, Dan," he pleaded and Dan shook his head. "Please, we can get rid of the painting, we can pretend I don't think that's your colour, we can find you a new one," he begged but Dan shut his eyes.
"Get out!" he screamed but Phil couldn't move away. He didn't want to leave Dan lonely. He started to shuffle towards him.
"Dan, please, believe me," he implored but Dan laughed bitterly.
"This whole thing is over Phil," Dan told him and Phil shook his head, seeing the tears in his eyes. "You aren't my model anymore, whatever else we had, it's gone. I can't..." he trailed off as Phil got closer, their bodies inches away. Phil ducked his head, feeling the hair of their fringes touch as he looked into Dan's tear stained and flickering eyes.
"Please," he breathed against Dan’s lips and watched the caramel orbs quiver. Phil knew he was too close, could see the warning signs in Dan’s eyes and hear the sirens. Then he realised there was something more. Dan’s body was tense but his fingers were soft and brushing his t-shirt, his body was leaning into his, calculations he was making were openly running through his head as if he was planning to do something. He was weighing up what his actions could mean. Dan was still shaking, but the look of longing was almost too much for Phil, and he was about to duck away from the sight when there was a spark and Dan kissed him with his eyes open.
Everything went silent. A bomb dropped as Dan touched him, the sound of his gasp muffled before he felt the impact. He could almost feel the wind flowing through his hair as Dan's hands went to his chest and shoved him away. Everything was mute as Dan pushed him out the door, Dan's eyes squeezed shut as he yelled, but Phil couldn't hear what he was saying. Dan's touch burned on his skin as he was pushed out the door and his coat was thrown on him as the door slammed.
He'd ruined it. He'd ruined it all.
*
I’m sorry.
Phil had sent Dan so many variations of those words. He’d added intensifiers and adverbs but Dan had only seen them, and not responded. Phil shouldn’t have tried to show Dan his colour. He had wanted to but should have just left it. Phil had just hated Dan thinking he sucked the colour out of people. He probably thought he had taken Phil’s colour now as well.
That kiss… it was numb. It only burnt after, but he could only tell Dan’s lips were on his, not feel them. He had focused on the look on Dan’s eyes as he realised what he had done and the fear that registered in them as he looked over Phil’s face before moving away. He had frozen for a second to stare before he pushed him away, and Phil couldn’t forget about it. Such a crumb sized piece of time to replay, but Phil had thought it back so often.
I’m so sorry
He sent Dan the message again. He did it whenever he thought about what had happened, and Dan had received so many texts. It was probably annoying as hell, and Phil was surprised that Dan hadn’t blocked his number. It had been over a week. Nothing Phil was trying to fix at work was doing what he wanted, it all just seemed to break more and Mo kept looking at him warily, as if he’d had his heart trampled. It wasn’t far from the truth, but Phil had unwittingly done the trampling. He was the one staring at the boots that were covered in blood attached to his feet, rather than the one bleeding on the floor.
He hadn’t wanted to hurt Dan. He hadn’t wanted to push him away. He hadn’t wanted to ruin what they had. Dan had kissed him, and Phil would never know why. He hadn’t been sending Dan explanations or excuses or pleaded for his forgiveness. He only wanted Dan to know he was sorry and that he regretted what he had done.
His evenings were dull and empty and he just ended up eating and then lying in bed staring at his ceiling and regretting missing the smoke he was used to clogging his lungs. He wasn’t going to start smoking just so he could smell Dan, but instead he bought some cheap incense sticks and had been lighting those, watching as the smoke curled around the light from his lamp and he relaxed a little more being around it again. They weren’t exactly the same as Dan, but it was a cheaper alternative and it was close enough. He was accepting that he wouldn’t get any closer to him again.
Phil didn’t feel blue anymore. He didn’t feel grey, he just felt that if you looked at him, you’d see no colour. At first he thought he’d do anything to get his blue back, but as time dragged slowly on, he realised he just wanted Dan. Not to give him his colour but just to talk to. Just to smile at late at night, or to share a balcony and a blanket in the cold. To look after him when he was ill and to stare at as he drew. He wanted Dan back in his life. He didn’t want to have taken Dan’s colour.
*
It was almost 3am when Phil got a phone call. He reached for his phone in the dark and nearly dropped it when he squinted through the light to see Dan’s number on screen. He answered and swallowed as he held it to his ear, his fingers trembling.
“Dan.” He sighed with relief, but Dan didn’t reply. Phil knew he was still there because he could hear his breathing, but it didn’t sound like he was going to speak. Unless he couldn’t. “Dan? Are you okay? Has something happened and you’re trapped or something? Are you safe?” he asked quickly and he heard Dan chuckle through his nose, and Phil bit back a smile. He could hear what Dan would be saying. ‘Of course you’d ask that’. “Have you been taking your meds?” He added and he knew Dan’s face would have dropped. He heard shuffling and assumed Dan had rolled over, but at least he hadn’t hung up. “Dan you need to take them,” Phil urged and Dan let out a little huff. ‘I don’t have a reason to’. “Please,” Phil stressed and Dan probably rolled his eyes, but his nails clicked against the phone. “Thank you.”
They stayed quiet for a long time. Phil ended up putting the call on speaker and lying back down, closing his eyes and letting his body sink into his mattress and just listening to Dan breathe. He wondered if Dan was doing the same, and drew some comfort from it. Hopefully it made Dan feel a little less alone.
Dan’s breathing eventually got heavier and Phil smiled, knowing he had fallen asleep. He bid Dan goodnight before ending the call. He hoped this was progress.
*
Tonight at 9.
Phil hoped this wasn’t an old message resending. He was desperately hoping this wasn’t an old message resending. It had been two weeks. Two days from the phone call and two hours since Phil had gotten that message. Phil had no idea what to expect, would Dan still be angry? Did he want Phil to be his model again but nothing else? Phil had no fucking clue but he was giddy, trembling as he paced around his room. He’d get to see Dan again. He didn’t care how long for, just so he got to see him. Phil hoped that asshole had been eating and that he had better have been taking his pills.
*
Phil remembered how long he stood waiting outside Dan’s door when he had messed up the first time. Those minutes had seemed to drag like days hiking in the sun, but these ones were lingering with excitement. Phil had a smile on his face he knew he shouldn’t, but Dan was on the other side of that door and his stomach was clawing to catch a glimpse. Phil needed to not smile and to relax, and find out what Dan wanted of him. He was sure he’d say yes to pretty much anything, even if it was bad news. Somehow even that made Phil keep smiling. ‘Silly defence mechanism’ his mum had once told him, that he’d smile and laugh when he was broken and crumpled, tears gushing down his cheeks and depressing words forming on his lips. Dan was a little like that as well, and Phil’s stomach settled. He had to knock.
Dan answered the door and all of the excitement washed over Phil and turned into worry. Dan’s eyes were red around the edges and had shadows drooping underneath them. He had a lit cigarette behind one ear which Phil was worried was burning a little too close and there was paint all over his arms. It was all black.
“Dan,” Phil whispered, almost in relief that he was at least there, and Dan gave him cracked smile.
“Come in,” he said softly, and Phil heard the edge of tears in his voice. He walked in and took his coat off, sitting down at the sofa as Dan gestured. He didn’t take his eyes off him.
Dan stubbed out the cigarette (Phil was relieved) and sighed, giving Phil a small smile. “Thanks for coming,” he said and Phil’s fist was clenching. He so badly wanted to reach out to him.
“Dan,” he said again, a little more emphasis in his voice, but he had no idea what he meant. Dan was just staring at his hand and breathing shallowly, swallowing, and his mouth hung open for a few seconds.
“I didn’t want to kick you out,” he mumbled and glanced up at him.
“Dan you had every right-“Phil began but Dan cut him off.
“Phil I’m saying I regret what I did and for not replying to you at all and calling you and saying nothing. You’re just so hard to talk to sometimes; you make my fucking mouth mess up and my brain get flustered. It’s so annoying and pisses me off and you don’t even open your eyes enough to realise,” he spat, then pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes and sighed. “Sorry. I just, I want to get this right, and I’m so scared because you’re not my mirror now, you’re actually right here,” he muttered and Phil gnawed on his lip.
“Should I move away?” Phil suggested and Dan shook his head.
“No. I can do this. Just, let me take my time,” Dan murmured and Phil nodded. Dan didn’t talk for a while, just stared at his lap, but very slowly, he shuffled closer so their knees were brushing. Phil honestly wasn’t sure if he was alive at this point when Dan looked up at him with a half-meant smile.
“You know how I liked you because you were blue? Well it worked the other way around. I liked blue because of you,” Dan said simply and Phil could only look back at the fear in Dan’s eyes. “I think, for you, it might be the same. You er, started wearing more red when you came over more, your shirts and boxers and stuff. And then you realised I was red, and it all tied together. I kissed you… I, er… Phil,” he sighed, his shoulders dropping on the last word, as if it was holding a world on them.
“I’m listening,” Phil said softly, smiling encouragingly and trying to not think, not feel, only listen to what Dan was saying before letting it catch up. Dan gave a breathless chuckle and wiped an eye before looking back at Phil, wetting his lips before trying again.
"When I kissed you, you were warmer than I thought you’d be, and it felt like I was burning. And then I felt red, and you turned purple, and I didn’t know what to do. I was expecting grey and I got the evening sky, pink clouds and all, and that probably scared me more than anything. Everything I thought was proven wrong, and the person who had done that was you. I couldn’t stand you for changing it all, and I couldn’t stand that you turned purple. It’s sort of hard to look at you now,” Dan admitted, his eyes darting to catch Phil’s before flickering away again.
“I closed my eyes when I pushed you away, because you were different, and I didn’t know if I liked you changing. I loved everything about you when you were blue, but I didn’t let myself find out if I liked you more purple. I had never thought I could make someone purple. I’d never thought of the colour before at all. I mean, you’re still blue, but now I’ve added to it, and it’s not been like that without physically using paint before. And I still don’t understand how it happened.”
“When I was in my teens, before it all got too bad, I thought I might be blue. Dark, almost navy, but that I had a colour. But then when I had a fight with my boyfriend and we broke up, I touched him to beg him to stay, I saw all the colour drain from both of us. He had been green." Dan winced at the memory. "Because of that I had spent so long making sure I never touched anyone, it made me crave heat without evening realising. You were warm too, when I pushed you away and when you came close. I couldn’t stop thinking of how inviting it felt to be alive. I could be warm with you too. I felt my colour…” he trailed off and reached out, trembling, and let his hand rest on top of Phil’s fist. Phil stared at it.
“I still can’t be normal. I can’t, stop seeing people in colour, and I can’t stop hating myself and I can’t stop thinking I don’t deserve a colour. But, I... I think maybe, one day, with you just hanging around, I might be able to. I think you can help me feel a colour, even if I don’t end up being red. People can change.” He swallowed. “I might even be purple.”
The last sentence lingered on his lips and Dan looked back up at Phil, and held his eyes. “I’ve already confessed to you, and I don’t think I have enough luck left in the world for you to like me in the same way, I mean, you’re too annoyingly nice, but anyway. I just really want you back in my life,” Dan said honestly, sniffing with a bitter smile on his face.
Phil closed his eyes and let everything catch back up to him. All the stutters from Dan’s tongue, the times he looked at him, how he shuffled closer even if he looked uncomfortable doing it and how something burned behind his eyes.
Phil smiled and turned his hand over to wrap over Dan’s. “Do you think you can like purple?” he asked, opening his eyes to see Dan trembling.
“I’ll always love any colour you have,” Dan whispered and Phil started laughing, squeezing Dan’s hand the pushing his glasses away to wipe his eyes.
“You said I was stupid for wishing on the moon,” he chuckled and Dan rolled his eyes.
“You’re really thinking of that now?” he asked, but he was smiling.
“I’m not a different person even if I’m now purple,” Phil said and Dan looked so fond Phil felt his head clench.
“I guess not,” he said softly.
Phil took Dan’s other hand slowly, keeping his touch soft and Dan entwined their fingers. Dan’s hands were quite cold, and when he pressed Phil’s hand to his cheek he shivered, but he looked so determined Phil didn’t care.
“You er, are saying the feeling is mutual, right? The wish wasn’t for like a dog or something,” Dan said, blushing and letting their hands fall onto his lap, a tinge of worry in his eyes.
Phil smiled at him. “I wished for this to work out Dan, the feeling is definitely mutual,” he told him and Dan ducked his head.
“Would you be opposed to having a dog one day?” he asked and Phil laughed and dropped Dan’s hand to cup his face and press a kiss to his cheek.
“Anything,” he said and Dan kissed him with his eyes shut.
*
Dan painted Phil that evening, but not on canvas, on Phil’s body. He painted the swirls of colour as he saw them and added flecks of red wherever he had touched him, and Phil told Dan how warm he felt. Dan had insisted in them both staying in boxers while he painted, saying it would save washing, but Phil knew he just wanted to make up for what he had missed.
When Dan painted Phil’s hands he planted a kiss to the palm before leaving a red mark there, and Phil shivered before smearing Dan’s cheek with a red blush. So Dan stole his glasses.
They yelled on the balcony, ordered Chinese at 2am and Phil set an alarm for the next morning to call in sick for work as they fell into bed, Dan pressing his face into Phil’s neck.
Little splotches of red were all over Phil’s body and Dan lightly touched each one, smiling at himself, before stroking Phil’s cheek, laughing to himself.
love songs for robots was beautiful and I can't stop smiling you are such a good writer and I wish i could make things that meaningful in mine ♥
oh my god hi!! i remember reading your fics when i started reading phanfic and omg this is like a wave of nostalgia i am so honoured thank you so much!!! i was honestly so worried that i hadn’t got any meaning into it so i am so glad!!! thank you so much and i can assure you that you can do that!!! (if i can do it anyone can lmao) <33333
Changing the way you eat is actually super rad and it makes you feel great :3 I recently went vegan and I'm super pumped about it and I feel more energetic so you going veggie is super rad and you're rad (I said rad so many times but I don't regret it)
