Aug 8, 2023
old art I did representing the memories, visuals and flashbacks haunting me
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old art I did representing the memories, visuals and flashbacks haunting me
The places you touched like land scorched by lava, utterly destroyed, but in due time ready to blossom again.
My body is not tainted or corrupted, flowers bloom from it.
Today during EMDR I processed the memory during which I drew this on an envelope. I know this was made with unsteady hands that could not stop shaking while I was hiding. This drawing was me holding onto something powerful while feeling terrified. This drawing symbolizes hope for the future. During EMDR I guided my younger me towards the future, to show them that safety exists now. I cried.
Art project combined with exposure therapy. In therapy we had worked on doing exposure with the initials and full name of my abuser. This project was my own idea and choice to do. It did help desensitize myself to it as I worked on it. It was kind of like working on a mosaic or a puzzle too, in a way. And I had to find the letters in newspapers and magazines. It also specifically had to be the capital version because that's the only version of the letter I had trouble with.
I finished it today but I had started working on it late November. There was a long pause where I didn't touch it or look at it. Therefor I must say that due to that avoidance it seems to have gotten a bit of it's intimidating aspects again. I know when I had worked on it more intensely it felt less intimidating. My therapist did say that exposure does work best if you continue to expose yourself to the trigger from time to time. If you start avoiding the trigger again the trigger becomes more frightening again.
It does help looking at it knowing I took all these letters from words, and realizing it's just a part of a word that somehow becomes threatening when it's presented alone. I can't help but feel like it represents him in a way. Perhaps I need to process more of my trauma memories before I can feel like that association isn't scary anymore.
This one requires a bit of an explanation. During springtime some trees grow catkin. ( in my language they're called: 'katjes' / 'kattenstaartjes', which translates to 'little cats' / 'cat tails' ) These catkin emit a scent. This scent happens to be a strong trigger for my C-PTSD. I feel absolute terror when I smell these catkin, hence the illustration.
These hands have never left since they betrayed me
I can’t protect myself from your hands
ms paint vent art