#phoenix healing progress

[phoenix-positivity]

The places you touched like land scorched by lava, utterly destroyed, but in due time ready to blossom again.

My body is not tainted or corrupted, flowers bloom from it.

[phoenix-positivity]

I will share some helpful things that I use to deal with my trauma, dissociation and flashbacks.

For me it helps to recite what year it is, what the date is, what location I am at, what my name is, what my age is, which other people may or may not be around me, and to keep repeating no harm is currently being done to me. It also helps to repeat reasons as for what proof I have that it isn't or can't easily happen. Such as: I have my phone in my hand to call the police if something happens now. or: my door is locked and I live in a different house and they don't know my address. I usually tend to hold my own hand and squeeze it reassuringly, pet it or even go as far as to hug myself or gently tap the side of my thighs when walking. I try to sort of gently brush my hair sometimes while saying reassuring things to myself. Usually it's just 'I'm safe, nothing bad is happening' over and over again.

I also am in the process of making bracelets and key chains that have the current year on it and 'you are safe, just breathe' on them. so that I can look at them if I have a flashback outside of my house.

Sometimes when I'm really afraid I just curl up hugging my plushie and I imagine a character from my favourite show shows up in the flashback to save me and fight the abuser/make them not be a danger to me anymore. Or take me away to a safe place where I'm protected. Sometimes it helps to imagine revenge, but most of the time the focus is safety. So I will imagine my abuser's hands are tied up, or that I lock him behind a door in a different room. I then imagine myself being comforted. I (or the character) sort of comfort my younger self if that makes any sense.

Grounding techniques help you come to the present reality instead of floating away to your past memories. The most common one is the 5,4,3,2,1 method. Say to yourself out loud or inside your thoughts 5 things that you can hear around you, 4 things you can see, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell and one thing you can taste. You can also name more of each.

You can also pick something up near you and focus on the texture of it, the weight it has, whether it's hot or cold to the touch, the colour, the sound it might make as you let it touch something else. Or if you have something edible around you you can try and really focus on the textures and the taste of it. (helpful things would be menthol gum or something spicy/sour as this will really sort of jolt you out of a dissociated state. but it can also be something really sweet or a fruit with a strong smell such as oranges. In the case of an orange you could also focus on how to peel it and focus on the different textures of that) You can also do this holding a piece of ice and focus on it melting.

If you need a distracting mental exercise you can try counting backwards from 100 to zero subtracting by a number such as 3 or 7. You can also try listing things from a certain category from a to z. So book titles or animals or even just fruits.

There's also the box breathing exercise. It's probably best to google that one rather than I try and explain it. There's also the 4-7-8 breathing technique. And a technique called the butterfly hug.

Also a more vulnerable coping technique that touches on body memories. Is I put on multiple layers of clothes. I tend to do this especially if I have to go to bed. I will put on 3 layers of underwear or sometimes even like a period pad. Then tight fitting leggings or something. For me it helps that I can feel the fabric is covering me tightly against my body. I need that barrier to be there to give me a sense of protection. It really helps when I feel 'exposed'. I can also just wear double underwear on bad days when I go work because nobody can see it but it gives me an extra sense of safety. I tend to wear boxers so it covers more of my skin.

I also have put together a 'grounding box' which is full of distracting and sensory stimulating things. There's a book in it where I have to connect the dots to create pictures. There's some comfort pictures and items in it that make me feel safe (such as my favourite animals and my favourite colours). There's a lot of fidget and stim toys in it that make me use my tactile senses (poppits, infinity cubes, slime, soft things) but also my visual (things with falling glitter, lights) or my hearing. I especially use this one trick. It requires 'Baoding balls'. I discovered that the ringing/chime sound they make has me focus on it in such a specific way that it really grounds me, or at least calms me down. I shake one ball next to my right ear and the other next to my left ear and kinda alternate between them. (I think I was probably inspired by EMDR to do this) The fact I have to move my hand in a specific way to make the actual sound happen, combined with it sort of vibrating and echoing and fading and being so close to my ear, as well as it alternating between both sides of my body has me focus on it in such a way that it calms me down from flashbacks a lot and brings me back to my room. I also use scented candles and I try to buy the ones that have a mixed scent so that I have to focus on trying to figure out what I'm actually smelling. so for example buying 'tropical sunset' and then it's up to me to smell the individual pineapple, coconut, lemon, etc.

I also express a lot of emotion in art such as poetry/singing or drawing/painting. I tend to sing in my shower and car really loudly because it feels like a private space for me. I also used to do an exercise in the shower where I washed every part of my body by really focusing on it and then thanking it. So I started either at the top or bottom and very gently massaging it with soap as I thanked it for doing what it did for me. (like, thanks toes for making me able to stand upright, or thanks hair for protecting me from sunburn on my scalp)

I also express a lot of emotion by moving my body to music and really listening to the lyrics. Dancing just by yourself can really express emotions.

I also have a pet dog that I can lie next to. I will put my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat/breathing as well as pet him. Feeling a warm comforting presence helps with feeling safer. He is not a service dog but I find that outside when I walk him he also helps guide me the right directions as he usually follows the same roads and he ends up bringing me home when I'm dissociated. I also feel safer with him next to me when I walk outside.

This is not by any means all of my coping techniques but it's a large sum of it. They're likely my most frequently used ones.

[phoenix-positivity]

Art project combined with exposure therapy. In therapy we had worked on doing exposure with the initials and full name of my abuser. This project was my own idea and choice to do. It did help desensitize myself to it as I worked on it. It was kind of like working on a mosaic or a puzzle too, in a way. And I had to find the letters in newspapers and magazines. It also specifically had to be the capital version because that's the only version of the letter I had trouble with.

I finished it today but I had started working on it late November. There was a long pause where I didn't touch it or look at it. Therefor I must say that due to that avoidance it seems to have gotten a bit of it's intimidating aspects again. I know when I had worked on it more intensely it felt less intimidating. My therapist did say that exposure does work best if you continue to expose yourself to the trigger from time to time. If you start avoiding the trigger again the trigger becomes more frightening again.

It does help looking at it knowing I took all these letters from words, and realizing it's just a part of a word that somehow becomes threatening when it's presented alone. I can't help but feel like it represents him in a way. Perhaps I need to process more of my trauma memories before I can feel like that association isn't scary anymore.

[phoenix-positivity]

Do you know how much pride I feel as a survivor of sexual abuse to have been able to not only stop a man who was actively sa-ing a girl, but also chase him and guide the police to his location to arrest him? Knowing a man did not get away with his sick perversion? Finally being in a situation where I felt I was able to stand up against a predator? This event for sure triggered me but the fact I was able to save someone from suffering the same fate I suffered. I have never felt this much pride in my life. All the pain I endured, staying alive even when I felt I couldn’t bear it any longer. If I had given up back then I couldn't have been here to make a difference in someone's life. This event proves to me, that me being alive serves a purpose. It shines a whole new light on how valuable my life actually is. There is so much more good that I can bring into this world.

[phoenix-positivity]

I want to share this resource: https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheets

It has multiple therapy worksheets freely available.

[phoenix-positivity]

I have not been made impure by the crimes you have committed against me. The purest of flowers shall grow from your crime scene. My skin is my own and shall not be tainted by you. I flourish despite your evil.

[phoenix-positivity]

The handprints scorched into my body now blossoming in my rebirth

[phoenix-positivity]

Reminder to me:

-write document (preferably something that looks pleasant and safe with some graphics around it) that reminds me of evidence and reasons why abuse was not my fault.

-make a compilation of grounding techniques I can use. Maybe make them postcard sized.

-perhaps continue working on the little book you were making for yourself with the uplifting and calming quotes and graphics

-finish the bracelet that says 'you are safe'

-make the picture to put in the keychain that reminds you of the year and states you re safe as well as perhaos putting a box breathing graphic on it

-make box breathing graphic card

-buy sequin bracelet and the aroma stone and clicker