I had my first appointment today with a psychologist. I was so nervous omg thought I was going to vomit, but I was also really looking forward to it. Ive needed this for a longggg time. I was really emotional during it. I couldn't control it, the tears just came running out and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Talking about all the bull shit I've encountered in my life made me realize; "holy fuck I've been through a lot" and that's not normal for me. Usually I'm like "I don't have it that bad, so many people have it so much more worse, I'm just over reacting and being a whiny baby" but seeing the reactions on her face while telling her my story made me realize that this isn't normal. I didn't even get to finish my assessment completely , we only had an hour but explaining my story took a lot longer then I thought. She was really nice and I feel like she can really help me. I was doing fine until she asked me "tell me about your mom" then all hell broke loose inside of me and I just froze and started crying. I was doing okay again for a little bit explaining her illness and my parents separation then she asked "do you have a group of friends you can talk to about this" and then I just started bawling again, I felt like such a fool. I managed to choke out "I did" then she just looked at me and said "you miss them, don't you?" It just made me think about so many things, my head was completely spinning. Anyways i finally managed to tell her part of that story but then the session ended. I go back next week and I am looking forward to it. She's going to help me with anxiety coping methods and stuff. My aunt is paying for the sessions and I feel really bad about it. It's 200 bucks a session, but this lady is like one of the top psychologist in Toronto. I feel like saying no never mind it's okay, but for once in my life I have a shed of hope that maybe one day I will Edventually feel okay again.
