i really wish i didn't have to live here, but i'm bound here and can't really leave
living here so often makes me feel like i'm going to die
either from the stress of some of the stuff i've had to endure here, and the impact stress has on the body, or from repeat covid infections (i'm still clear, i think, but still knocking on wood because i have to do the heavy lifting to keep myself safe, no one around me cares as much to prevent spread) or Other illness with how bad my immune system is
nearly ever year i have to aid my housemate through a health crisis (i am hoping his current illness doesn't evolve to that point, though things still sound bad) which usually means being on watch for when to make 911 calls. i hate feeling like i need to be ready to conjure paramedics at any given moment, i hate never being able to really fully let my guard down
we once had something happen to our house, that someone else did, that was like something had exploded. i guess by definition it did. i had shrapnel from a window lodged in my door and walls, bricks chunks and dust and debris in my room. i hate constantly feeling like that could happen again
i wish i could live entirely alone and never have to leave, where i could close the rest of the world out
being a part of it is getting so exhausting, and it by and large wants nothing to do with me either
but i can't leave, because i don't work, can't work, medically can't drive, can't support myself
could never in good conscious be a burden outside of the specific arrangement i have here, where me living here keeps my housemate from losing his house and ending up homeless himself (another reason i could never leave) and also keeps him alive. as much as it sucks, this is the only living arrangement available to me where i'm not a burden on someone financially or otherwise
and i like being close in range to see my mom, especially as she gets older, and she supports me financially too, and there's nowhere i could go where i could maintain that even if i could support myself enough to leave. my family has this thing, where once someone moves away we never get to see them again (maybe only every decade if we're 'lucky') because we just don't have the money to. my brother moved away, the only person in my family who actually does care about me without stipulations, and i know i will likely never see him again. i have younger cousins, who i have never met, because they don't live in arm's reach, and that's just how things go with my family. (i've never even spoken to them over the phone either, but that's just my family specifically does not really involve me in The Family a lot of the time, and another topic. more consequence of being biracial. i digress.) i don't want to never see my mom again. as much as she has put me through the ringer herself over the years, she and my brother really often feel like the only blood family i have left. and my brother is already out of reach.
but i really wish i could run away from it and everyone, in a way that wouldn't just be accepting homelessness which i would not be able to survive
and in a way that isn't just me actually dying, though realistically that would be the only thing that would get me out, though i don'twant that right now as much as i sometimes do (though, i don't, i think i just want to escape and it often feels like the only option)
