It's Always You
Chapter 14 : Realizations and Urgencies
A few weeks ago...
Present day...
You were looking around, waiting for Time and Tay to come back to the hall. It has been five minutes since you received the last message from him, telling you to stay put. While you were watching Kim’s cousin and his boyfriend across the hall, you noticed Kinn approach them with Khun and Porsche. A few moments later, Macau and Porchay also approached beside them. The group looked like they were having serious discussions.
Porchay was sending Kinn a confused look when Vegas whispered in Macau’s ears. A moment later, the youngest of the Theerapanyakul boys pulled his best friend away from the huddle. Porchay was trying to pull away and go back to the huddle, but Macau was holding him tightly. The older Theerapanyakuls were huddling even closer. Khun looked disappointed while Vegas was trying to reason with them.
You were too engrossed in what was happening across the hall that you startled when you felt a hand on your shoulder. Turning abruptly in surprise, you were greeted by the face of your best friend and his lover. There were also surprised expressions on their faces while they were looking back at her.
“Are you okay, babes?” Tay asked with a chuckle. Time was also chuckling at the incredulity of the situation beside his lover.
You cannot help but also laugh with them. Shaking the haze off your head, you slipped an arm through your best friend’s. “I’m okay, babes. Are we ready to go?” you asked them.
“We took a long time to get back, didn’t we?” Time asked impishly.
You smiled up at your two best friends, loving how it feels having people who will run to your aid when you need them. “I don’t mind,” your smile was warm and bright. “Besides, people watching is fun,” you wiggled your brows cunningly at the two.
Both men laughed at you and your antics. They love each other’s shenanigans and laugh at whatever game you invent by watching crowds of people. But, it’s also because they rarely find you smiling or laughing the way there is a bright upward tilt to your lips now.
“What game did you come up with now?” Tay asked you as the three of you started walking out of the venue.
He was met with a giggle while you slip your arms through Time’s arm to keep them close to you. “I was guessing what disease this woman has that everyone seems to want to get away from her,” you smiled up at them connivingly. Both boys sent you incredulous looks. You just laughed.
“So, I’ve been watching this woman talk to various groups of people. Then, I notice that one or two people would slip out of the huddle a moment later with horrified looks on their faces,” you narrate, giggling here and there. “I was trying to figure out what was so horrific about her or her words that they ran from the hills,” you smiled at them.
“Well? What’d you find out?” Time asked with a laugh and biting curiosity. The three of you were weaving through huddles of people scattered all over the venue.
Another bout of mischievous giggles came out from between your lips as you tighten your hold on their arms. “Turns out, she’s that eccentric aunt every family has who also does not know how to hold back,” you cackled at what you found, which made the two men laugh.
Everyone can hear your melodic laugh as the three of you walk out of the door of the venue. Unbeknownst to you, an older couple was watching your exchange. The woman was full of contempt while the older man was filled with longing and concern. He watched you, the young girl in the group, step out of the venue doors, laughing and full of life. He has never seen you smile or laugh like you were doing just now with your friends. The man felt grateful to the two men that were accompanying his baby girl. He glanced down and saw the expression on his wife’s face. It made the regret, dread and disdain grow bigger in his chest.
A few days later...
Kim has been sitting on the carpeted floor of his apartment. In front of him lies the box that kept items that represent his memories with the most important person in his life now. The exchange of messages with Vegas provided him an idea on where he should start: himself.
He figured he needs to unravel all his feelings and emotions—his insecurities, doubts, fears, concerns, misbeliefs and indecisions. He needs to zero-in on every emotion he feels and compartmentalize his thoughts. Each piece of polaroid he took out reminds him of happier times, when it feels like heaven.
Every polaroid photo reminds him of the days when he was happier. There were also a few knick knacks—concert and movie tickets, cardboard coasters from cafés, cup sleeves—that he kept to remember their dates. All of it reminds him of the days when he was trying really hard to seem so strong and hide the pain that remained from the fallout. Something that Kim was so ashamed about since he had Porchay live through it with him. He was also afraid that Porchay will always look at him as that man who fell to the ground, crying his eyes out because it was just too painful to lose that part of his life.
He did not have to hide, but he still did. Kim just did not want Porchay to worry, nor let the younger boy see him weak when Kim should be his pillar. He tried so hard to act the part when he did not have to, and Kim just fell apart in the seams. It was an act he should never have started since it was unnecessary, and he sees it now—very clearly.
Yet, he could not take the thought of the woman he chose to try with off his mind. He shouldn’t. It was nice, the thought of loving her. She made it look easy; loving her, committing to her. She has no idea of his dark sides and thoughts. Also, she has not witnessed all the gloom and doom that has been his relationship with his father after music.
It’s one of the reasons he dreaded seeing Porchay. He already saw and heard everything. Porchay knows the inner workings of his mind; his thoughts, fears and insecurities. That is what scared him the most, and the very thought that Porchay would someday regret ever loving him, a weak and insecure mess. It is not what he deserves.
It’s just not it.
Not him.
He deserves someone better.
But, all of them are right. It also means that he should have heeded the pieces of advice his brother and cousin have been giving him. He should have heeded them instead of waiting over a year, trying to make something work when it never will.
It was okay to have fears, uncertainties and doubts. His fears were called for but also unnecessary; having doubts is normal. All of it just means that he loves Porchay enough to be concerned about his welfare, his future.
However, she also has been a catch. She has been his rock over the last year. Being with her was easy. It was worriless… most of the time. She made him forget all his insecurities and doubts. Maybe it is because she never knew the dark sides of his life, he never wanted her to know. Keeping the gloom and doom from her was liberating. It was liberating for Kim that he will always be just Kim, the
Yet, it was still unfair. It is unfair to her that she does not get to know all of Kim. Moreover, despite all his best efforts—even if he really wanted to—he never seems to love her like he loves Porchay. And, he has always known that he can never reciprocate her feelings. He has always known and chose to stay, thinking that someday—if he tries hard enough—he will learn to love her. It was obvious, yet he refused to see it and acknowledge it.
He was busy putting back the photos and other memorabilia inside the box again when his phone started ringing. One look at the screen tells him it’s Tay. He ignored it first, thinking that it’s not urgent and he’ll call them back later. But, it rang again a few seconds later. Figuring it was urgent, he picked up the call and put it on speaker.
“Tay, I’m occupied right now—” Kim told Tay as soon as he switched the speaker on.
Tay cut him off, sounding really panicked and urgent. “Kim, I need you to come right now,” anyone can hear the tears in Tay’s voice. “Kim, s-she really needs you r-right now and I-I c-can’t handle it anymore,” it’s apparent that Tay is shaking by the sound of his voice.
“I’m coming,” was the only thing Kim could say. He picked up his phone from the table and ran to his bedroom to change clothes. It did not take him more than ten minutes before he emerged from his bedroom in more decent clothes and out the door, car keys in hand.
