Chapter 12: I See You Now
Kim watched as the smile on Porchay’s face slowly dimmed until it completely faded. On the other hand, Macau was glaring at him from beside Chay. He chose to ignore his younger cousin. However, Porchay’s eyes were shifting between the man he does not dare to possess and the woman beside him. He felt like someone was trying to pull his heart out based on the pain he was feeling on his chest.
The feel of someone’s fingers on his cheek brought his attention back to the present. He looked down at the woman beside him, following the arm that owns the hand lightly brushing his cheek.
You were smiling at him, taking pride in the thought that he is standing beside you, albeit his heart and mind are yearning for the boy across from you. Despite that knowledge, you're determined to keep him with you for however long you can manage. Flashing the brightest affectionate smile you can muster, you brushed off the strands of hair hanging in front of his face, slightly grazing his cheek.
“You did so amazing, love,” you proudly muttered as you tucked the strands behind his ear. He gave you a grateful smile, yet his eyes looked so dead, unlike when he was looking at the younger male across from you.
A clearing of someone’s throat took both of your attention. You looked at the two persons standing across you while Kim looked at the people around, trying to locate his brothers. “I apologize, boys,” you addressed them impishly. Turning to Porchay, you flashed an inquisitive smile, silently hoping that your envy and jealousy was not showing through. “Were you about to ask me something?” you asked Porchay.
Macau released an obnoxious scoff, seeing through the veil that you so hardly put up. Your well-placed smile slightly faltered, it was barely noticeable. It earned him a slight smack on his tummy from Porchay as a warning. The latter shot him a reproaching look, telling him to behave. You watched as Macau rolled his eyes although they became softer when it landed on the softer-looking boy. After reprimanding his best friend, Porchay turned back to the couple in front of them, although he refused to even glance at the older male.
He flashed you a soft and shy smile, fiddling with his fingers by his chest. There was a visible blush blooming on his cheeks, making him look more like an edgy cherub in his all white outfit. “I just wanted to tell you Macau and I,” the uninterested look on Macau’s face morphed into one of confusion and reproach. Porchay pinched Macau’s side to stop him from protesting. “Macau and I are pleased to meet you and want to become your friend. After all, you are dating his cousin,” he covered his mouth because of bashfulness, letting out a small laugh.
Watching the younger male, you came to understand how Kim was not able to stop loving him. Chay was everything that is pure in this world. He was innocent, kind and humble. you can’t find anything hostile, antagonistic or malicious in the way he addresses. In fact, it is quite the contrary. All you can feel from his energy is warmth, acceptance and comfort. Despite your desire to hate the boy, you just can’t find yourself to feel anything negative. A small, fond smile also bloomed on your lips, in spite of yourself.
“It was my pleasure,” you uttered. Macau can see the conflict in your eyes, yet he chose to not comment on it.
Kim cannot help but feel anxious and apprehensive as he watches you and Porchay interact. He can’t help but feel nervous about his two worlds colliding––a past he cannot let go and a present he needs to free.
Feeling restless and anxious, he looked around for his big brothers. He found them a few meters away from where he and the two boys were standing. Relieved to find them, he immediately excused himself and approached his brothers. He left a lively Porchay with you, knowing that whatever happens, he will always treat others with warmth and sympathy.
“Kinn,” he called on his second eldest brother. Khun, Porsche and Kinn were talking to a few people that looked to run on their circle. Coming closer, Kim heard them spitting statistics and stock prices with other unfamiliar terms in between. “Kinn,” Kim called his brother again, this time he was successful since the older man turned at the sound of his voice.
Kinn smiled at the group of men and excused himself. “What’s wrong, Kim?” Kinn asked as soon as he saw the anxious look in his younger brother’s face. “Did something happen?” his Hia was worried.
“Hia, I need to talk to you,” Kim sighed. “But, not here,” he added as he looked at the crowd surrounding them.
Kinn looked around, seeing the collection of guests scattered all over the events hall. It is very likely that someone will be eavesdropping on their conversation with how packed the hall is.
He nodded at Kim before approaching Khun and Porsche to tell them that they will be stepping away for a while. Kim saw Khun wanting to come with them, but Kinn was able to dissuade him with the help of Porsche.
A few moments later, Kinn stepped away from the two men and walked towards him. Kinn took his shoulder, laying his arm over it and started dragging him along. Kim voluntarily went with his older brother, feeling relieved that he can talk to him now. Yet, his eyes met yours as they were walking out. You shot him an inquisitive look that he reciprocated with a reassuring one, telling you it’s nothing serious.
The brothers decided to make full use of the small park inside the mall property. It was filled with plants and large trees, and benches scattered in regular intervals. Kinn pulled his younger brother to the middle of the park where there were less people.
Kinn stared at Kim who was fidgeting beside him. He’s just waiting for the younger male to finally confide in him. Although he already knows about what happened between his brother and Porchay, he does not intrude on his brother’s affairs. Kim already came to him a few times, but all he has ever done is listen to what Kim had to say and advise him on matters objectively.
Kim gulped and rubbed his face with the palm of his hand as he sighed. He took a deep breath before turning towards his brother with confusion in his eyes, like a lost child. “Hia,” Kim called Kinn. He raked his hand through his hair again as he tried to find the right words to phrase his question. “Have you—“ Kinn raised an eyebrow when Kim abruptly stopped. Kim sighed, feeling nervous and apprehensive. He looked away from his brother before uttering his question. “Have you ever thought about not deserving P’Porsche or his love?” Kim rubbed his palm on his thighs to stop himself from fidgeting.
Kinn watched his younger brother as he squirms in his seat and fidget with everything—from his fingers, the helm of his coat to the wood of the bench. He felt a fond smile bloom on his face because of the way Kim was acting beside him. Reminiscing the days when Kim was still young and Kinn was already in high school, he thought his younger brother is the same cranky kid that sulked because he did not get the toy he was asking for. The thought made Kinn release a fond chuckle which caused Kim to look at him with knotted brows. He just shook his head at Kim.
“Why are you laughing?” there was annoyance in Kim’s voice.
“I just remembered something. Don’t mind me,” Kinn answered as he scratched the tip of his nose.
“Just answer my question, Hia,” Kim groaned, feeling anxious and ashamed.
Kinn took a deep breath to calm himself before clearing his throat. “You want to know if I ever thought Porsche was too good for me?” he asked Kim. His younger brother nodded with eagerness and anticipation. He gave him a small smile. “Always,” was his simple answer.
Kinn saw Kim’s curiosity and wonder grow through eyes. He’s sure that his answer both confused and satisfied his brother’s mind. “Why?” Kim asked.
“What do you mean ‘why’?” Kinn asked in confusion.
“Why do you think you don’t deserve P’Porsche?” Kim clarified. He looked intently at his brother, his fingers remained locked and stopped fidgeting.
Kinn looked up at the night sky. There were barely any stars since the city lights are overpowering the glow of most of the celestial bodies. Nevertheless, a small but fond smile remained on his face.
“Everyone knows our story,” Kinn began. His smile dimmed as he remembered the past. “The society we lived in was not as forgiving as it is now,” he gave Kim a side glance. “It was harsher on people like us, people that chose to stray away from what society dictates is right—from what most people deem is normal,” he continued. Kinn sat up straighter and fixed his gaze on the bank of shrubs across from them. “A lot of people were against the kind of relationship we have. People that chose to be open about being gay, loving someone in the same gender and committing to a relationship with that person… were were made outcasts by everyone. It was all taboo,” he scoffed at the thought of every person that called him names and mocked him for everything he is. “I had been afraid of ever admitting that I liked men,” he confessed.
Kinn noticed his younger brother’s surprised and confused look–eyes bulging, forehead knitted, mouth hanging open. He laughed at his expression. For Kim, his older brother has always been proud about who he is. He never thought Kinn ever felt ashamed or resentful of his identity.
“Believe me. I had been afraid of telling anyone that I prefer men and don’t find women attractive in that way,” Kinn laughingly said. “It was especially pressuring since our family is such well-respected and revered by most,” he sighed. “But, Porsche… He was a different breed of proud and confident,” Kinn chuckled at the thought of his lover and their first encounter. “He was beating up the asshole that called him a fag when we actually met,” he laughed at the memory.
“What?” Kim was surprised. His brother was only laughing while nodding his head. Kim’s eyebrow knitted in confusion again. “I thought the first time you saw him was at the school fitness gym, when you were coming in to work out,” he recited his brother’s response when they asked how he first met Porsche.
Kinn laughed louder. “That’s just it, Kim,” Kim got even more confused. “I first saw him when we bumped into each other at the fitness gym at school,” Kinn started explaining. “But, I never said that was the first time he saw me nor met me,” he laughed. Kim’s mouth hung loose since his mind is a jumbled mess of confused thoughts. He looked incredulously at his brother. Kinn laughed again because he found his brother’s confusion endearingly funny. “Okay, I’ll explain,” Kinn conceded with a chuckle as he sat straighter and cleared his throat.
“You better. Because my head hurts from trying to understand what you mean,” Kim glared at his brother.
“Like I said, I first saw Porsche when I was entering the school fitness gym some time in junior year at college,” Kinn began with a small smile on his lips. “He was coming out of the facility with his friends and I was just about to get inside. He was at the head of their group. Hence, he was the one who had to push the glass door open and held it until I was able to get inside. That and his mirthy laugh as he joked with his friends was what caught my attention,” you can see the fondness in Kinn’s expression.
“He did not really stop to take a good look at me, only I did that with him. I did not formally meet him until 10 months later, when I saw him beating up the asshole that called him names,” Kinn explained. Kim nodded as he slowly understood the situation. He rolled his eyes since his brother can be really sappy, which made the older male laugh hard again.
“As I was saying, Porsche was a whole different story to me,” Kinn began his story again. “He was never ashamed of who and what he was. Although he does not outrightly say his sexuality or preference, he never hid it either,” a fond and proud smile is permanently etched on his lips at the thought of his lover and his outlook on life. “It was already obvious and there is no need for explanations. That is what he believes," Kinn also adopted that philosophy and found himself happier.
"I was the one who held him back from the fight and dragged him away from the asshole, though that dirtbag deserved the beating he got,” Kinn sneered when he remembered that asshole’s face. “We both were called to the office and got in a little trouble,” he shook his head, a fond smile came back on his lips. “Thankfully, the dean recognized that it was not our faults and only gave us demerits for punishments. Porsche still felt sorry, so he asked me to come and eat with him, his treat, as compensation for also getting me in trouble,” Kinn reminisced.
The memory will never fade from his mind. He can still remember how Porsche was so impish as he looked embarrassed and shy as he asked Kinn to eat with him. He thinks Porsche was afraid that he would reject, which did not happen. Kinn was happy to take the opportunity and get to know the person that took his breath away a few months prior.
He remembered Porsche not seeming like the son of a powerful family to him. The other man spoke and acted like he came from a normal household, one that does not hold power in the fashion industry. He was kind, humble and compassionate to everyone he met. Porsche dragged him to a food stall where you will eat your food on a table at the side of the street. That was the first time Kinn ever ate at a place like that. Porsche ordered everything his eyes landed on. Surprisingly, Kinn loved the food. They came back many times after that and every moment they spent is a fond memory for the older boy.
“I remembered thinking how interesting of a character he was. Porsche was unashamed, unapologetic and carefree. He was proud of who he is and took no shit from others,” Kinn looked at his brother who was intently listening to him.
"It is also why I had believed I didn't deserve him," he smiled sadly. "You see, I was ashamed of myself, afraid that everyone will turn their backs on me when they learn about who I am," Kim was about to protest, but his older brother covered his mouth. "I know, you dimwit! I will always have you and Hia Khun, and I'm grateful for that. But, that was then. It's not the case now," he chuckled.
"I believed that he deserves someone who will be proud to say they're his and he is theirs. Porsche deserved someone that can give him the world, unashamed. And, I thought that it was not me," he admitted.
"I was really conscious of what other people thought about me. Back then, I minded and weighed other people's opinions about me so heavily. I wanted to please everyone that I was unknowingly placing such immense pressure over my shoulders. As I have been saying since earlier, although society has already been accepting of homosexuality, it has not been as welcoming as it is now,” Kinn gulped as he remembered the fear he felt back then. “People had their eyes on our family. We were always watched. I remember hating being born in an influential family as ours,” Kim saw a shameful smirk come about Kinn’s lips.
“I wished that I was born in a normal family so that people would not care about me and not watch my every move,” Kinn confessed as he crossed his legs. “I was also envious of Porsche and how carefree he is despite the circumstances we face,” Kinn leaned back more comfortably in their seat.
“As I was saying, after realizing I was slowly falling for Porsche but thinking I’m not good enough, I was okay with being his friend, but nothing beyond that. Not that I did not want to. Oh, you have no idea how much I yearned for that jerk of a lover of mine," Kinn cannot help but chuckle at his foolishness and naivety.
"That bullshit of a hoax I was trying to pull lasted for almost half a year. And, it was pure torture," Kim can see the pain still lingering inside his older brother's eyes. He can't describe how profound it looked on the older man. "It was a kind of torture that eats you from the inside and destroys everything within you. Each instance that I see him smile, watch him laugh and be himself made me fall for him even more. Each second and moment that I was not able to tell him how I feel and claim him as mine was excruciating,” Kinn’s voice broke, as if he was living that time again. “It pained me so deeply that I cannot proudly tell the world that I love that man with all of my being. I was so deep into my denial and my struggle to restrain myself that I was blinded. It made me blind to his feelings, that I was already hurting him unknowingly," Kinn looked at his brother and gave him a sad smile. "And, honestly, it's what you are doing to Porchay and yourself right now, dear brother," he uttered frankly.
Kim felt ashamed because of the honest evaluation his brother gave him. He dropped his head so his brother would not see tears brim his eyes. Although his brothers do not meddle with his life, he knows that they can still see and notice everything. However he tries to hide, there is no cover that his brothers cannot penetrate.
Kim felt Kinn wrap him in a warm embrace. It was a hug that meant to tell Kim he does not need to put a front nor pretend to not hurt in front of his brothers. Kinn was telling him that he's always available for Kim to approach and always ready to listen. The hug was full of warmth, comfort and love that the tears Kim was trying so hard to suppress freely fell.
"You're brave and strong, our little brother," Kinn stroked his back to comfort and appease him. "But, Kim, sometimes our strength comes from our weaknesses. We sometimes need to be vulnerable to be strong, little brother," he continued. Kim let out a sob as his last straw of strength flushed out of his body. He held onto his brother's arms that tightened around him more.
"I know you were afraid to feel and seem vulnerable in front of Chay, Kimhan. And, I understand where you are coming from. I see why you refuse to. But, Kimhan," Kinn pulled one of his hands away to stroke Kim's hair. "Being the older one does not mean you need to be strong all the time, because you don't. It's okay to fall apart, little brother. Let Chay piece you back together. That is all he ever wants from you," was Kinn's advice.
Kinn continued to hold his younger brother as he cried his eyes out. Although it breaks his heart to hear his brother's sobs, he can't do anything but let him release everything he feels. Kim needs to cry his eyes out. It took a whole year before he let it happen, anyway. Kim needed this, and he was grateful that Kinn was there to somehow hold him together as he fell apart.
“We’re not the ones who can say what other people deserve, Kim. Neither one of us had the right to,” Kinn spoke again as he continually tried to comfort his brother. “That was what Porsche taught me. It’s what I wanted you to realize, baby bro,” he told him.
It took a while for Kim to stop crying. Kinn slowly let go as he felt Kim gradually calm down. Kim rubbed his face with his palm, uncaring of erasing his makeup. He felt his older brother pat his back as he rose out of his despair. Wiping his remaining tears away, Kim looked up at the night sky and watched what glittering stars were showing.
“I took his choice away by doing this, did I?” he asked his brother. Kinn looked at him, a glimmer of pride shining in his eyes. He hummed in assent to Kim’s question. “That was unfair of me,” Kim sighed with the realization. It’s not a question, but Kinn still hummed in assent.
The brothers remain silent for some time. Kim was reflecting on everything—from his decisions, insecurities, opinions and what he assumed was the right thing for him and Porchay. Kinn let his brother have his silence, to think and reflect. He was happy to just accompany him, to be there for him, to not let him feel alone.
“It’s the right thing to do, right?” Kinn heard his younger brother ask after a few moments. He turned to look at Kim. “It’s what I should do, right?” Kim asked again as he turned to his brother.
Kinn’s eyes looked directly and intently at the younger man’s. He saw fear and apprehension clouding them. Yet, he can also see a resolve that was missing from those sad eyes the past year. This resolve was made from love, one that was pure and unconditional. Although there is not much context to the question, he knows that what his brother is thinking about involves the decision he has to make for his relationship.
Kinn patted his brother’s shoulder before standing up. “Always remember, Kim,” he said as straightens his suit. Kinn looked at his younger brother with an encouraging smile as he pulled on the sleeve of his suit to fix it, “Khun and I will always be behind you, no matter what you decide to do,” he continued as he buttoned his coat. He gave Kim one last shoulder pat before walking away, back to where he knows his lover is anxiously waiting for him.
