he is stable (you are deep) - part five
pairing: nerd!paige x cheerleader!azzi
synopsis: paige sad and gay :/// basically that's it idk
warnings: homophobia, angst, more angst, sad loser lesbian
wc: 9.24k
author’s note: long time no see! i missed you guys hahaha uconn plays today and i'm scared as shit!! enjoy this or don't idk i'm sorry this took so long and if it's ass i'm.... sorry <34333434. again. chapter six (hopefully) should be out much sooner :) love yall
...
nine years ago
paige didn’t know much, but she did know that girls were amazing. like, substantially more perfect than boys. she’d pretend that she liked to gossip with girls about their boy drama, but really, it just made her feel uncomfortable. she feels out of place, like a goddamn poser dressed up in an ill-fitting skirt and a polo. sure, they were true to size, but she never felt like she could relax while wearing them.
she didn’t like how she felt when hailey smiled at her. the way her hands got clammy and her face grew hot. it was embarrassing. it was humiliating. it was weird. she was so weird and there’s no way anyone could think of her differently.
she wasn’t unfamiliar with the concept of homosexuality. it didn’t make her uncomfortable when other people talked about it, but the thought of not marrying a man one day made the bile crawl up her throat. her mom had never talked to her about it, but when she spoke of her future, she’d always speak with a certainty that paige would marry a man.
so naturally, paige complied. she did a good job of pushing down any possible strong feelings she might’ve had towards other girls, and it was usually simple. but with hailey, it felt impossible. she was around girls — by beautiful, perfect girls — nearly all day every day, but there was something different about hailey.
maybe it was the way she welcomed paige when the blonde felt out of place in a school where she didn’t know anyone. hailey treated her with a sense of welcoming and kindness, instead of writing her off as the weird quiet girl. when the other girls would send mean looks at paige, hailey would always offer a smile.
paige and hailey had officially met in science class. paige spent most of her days pretending to solidify material that she already understood, and one day, hailey sat next to her. they didn’t talk much at first, but hailey did her best to initiate conversations. one day, after a particularly long conversation (that may or may not have gotten them in trouble with their teacher), hailey spontaneously invited her over, to which paige agreed.
they started having study sessions nearly every day after that. it was calm and easy at first, but then paige realized how her heart rate would speed up and how her face warmed at the mere thought of hailey. she had beautiful dark green eyes and light brown curly hair, and she had the sweetest smile paige had ever seen.
the studying would turn into talking about everything except school, and then the talking turned into sleepovers. paige never liked sleepovers because she always preferred to have her own space to sleep, but she made an exception for hailey.
but then, sleepovers turned into talking through the night, and paige found herself becoming vulnerable with a girl for the first time ever. she told hailey all about her parents divorce and how she’d always feel a bit guilty about it, and hailey genuinely listened. paige found that she could trust her.
one night, at an ungodly hour, paige really felt like there had been some sort of shift. hailey had been trying to prod information out of paige all night, mostly about boys, but paige gave her nothing.
“so,” hailey said, propped up on her elbow as she looked down at paige. “have you ever kissed anyone before?”
“uh,” paige murmured stupidly. “no.”
hailey giggled. “i have,” she replied, shrugging. “a lot.”
paige nodded, shifting to stare at the ceiling. “cool,” she muttered, doing her best to mask the ugly feeling forming in her stomach. of course hailey had kissed people before. she was pretty, and smart, and popular.
“just cool?” hailey repeated, mimicking paige’s tone. she paused before speaking again. “do you wanna practice?” she asked.
paige froze. was she seriously suggesting that they’d kiss? she couldn’t find her words, so she just shrugged and whispered, “i dunno.”
when she turned back towards hailey, their faces were suddenly inches apart. “do you,” hailey started, eyes flitting down to paige's lips before meeting her eyes, “or do you not?”
paige nodded like an idiot, thanking god that it was too dark for hailey to see the bright pink color in her cheeks. hailey smiled, leaning in before gently pressing their lips together once. “there,” she said, before lying back down as if it meant nothing.
paige didn’t rest that night, her brain too wired to sleep.
a couple days later, hailey had come to her house again to study. they’d finished working, and paige took it as her opportunity. she was sure hailey would respond positively.
hailey was sketching something when paige spoke. “hailey,” she stumbled out. “can i tell you something?
hailey paused her movements for a moment, before nodding and resuming her drawing.
“i think — “ paige paused, taking a deep breath. “i think i like girls.”
hailey paused again, that time setting her pencil down. “you what?” she asked, except she looked puzzled as if she hadn’t expected anything of the sort.
“i think i like girls,” paige said, eyes searching hailey’s as she wrung out her clammy hands.
hailey sat up and looked around the room. “you don’t, paige,” she spat out. “you’re confused.”
paige’s eyes had widened at the denial. how was hailey going to sit there after kissing paige, and then tell her that she was confused? “you kissed me,” paige choked out, holding back tears.
“friends do that,” hailey said, as if it was ridiculous that paige could’ve read into it. “wouldn’t have done it if i knew you were in love with me,” she added, packing up her stuff.
paige’s face was bright red, shame, sadness, and complete confusion clear in her features. she couldn’t speak. all she could do was stare at the floor. if she looked at hailey again she knew she’d cry.
finally, as hailey got to her door, she spoke once again. “i can’t believe this,” she all but spits out. “you really thought—“ she paused, scoffing before she slammed paige’s door, causing paige to flinch.
she listened to hailey’s footsteps retreat down her staircase and heard the front door slam before watching out the window for her mom to pick her up. when the car door shut, the door to her room opened.
her dad’s voice made her flinch out of her daze. “everything okay, pumpkin?” he asked, concerned.
paige wiped at the tears threatening to fall before turning around and shook her head. “no,” she said honestly. she was happy to know that there was at least one person in the universe who’d love her unconditionally. she’d accepted that god probably couldn’t. not like this, at least.
her dad outstretched his arms as he walked towards paige, inviting her into a hug. paige fell into his arms, letting out a loud sob as he kissed the crown of her head. “tell me about it, sweetheart,” he mumbled into her hair.
paige pulled away before sitting on her bed and took a deep exhale. “okay,” she whispers. “promise you won’t get mad.”
bob took a seat next to her, grabbing her hand. “promise i won’t, paige.”
paige took a few moments to gather her thoughts as she tried to steady her breathing enough to utter a full sentence. shakily, she mutters out, “i’m gay, dad.”
“i know, pumpkin,” her father smiles. “and i don’t love you any less,” he whispers, a tear trailing down his cheek before he tugs paige into another hug.
…
present day
paige wakes up in the early morning cold and naked. she can already tell azzi is gone by how quiet her apartment is. she’d expected this to happen as soon as azzi had left the room, but a bit of hope lingered that maybe she’d come back.
she didn’t leave super abrubtly, or anything. after all, she did say she was only going to grab a glass of water for paige. it had been sweet of her to be putting paige first.
paige wishes she’d been the one to leave. she’s been in similar situations an embarrassing amount of times, but this level of heartbreak is shameful, especially for a girl she’d properly met less than a week ago.
as paige’s eyes well up with tears, she searches around for her clothes on the floor. they’re all rumpled from the way she’d rushed to take them off, but she doesn’t have the energy to care about that.
she sits back down on the bed before getting dressed, wiping her eyes until the tears stop falling.
she cringes thinking about last night. the crying was so fucking embarrassing. she can’t even believe she’d told azzi all of that shit. made herself vulnerable. she probably sounded like a whiny baby talking about her mom.
but azzi truly made her feel safe. she’d been so open and kind, and she’d insisted on cooking dinner even when paige had tried her hardest to help. she was an angel. she was looking at paige with genuine care, and paige felt like she could trust her with anything.
so, yeah, she did tell the girl she’d only been friends with for a week about her childhood and her mother’s death. took her almost a year to tell kate, but azzi made it so easy.
she wipes the last of her tears away, taking a few deep breaths before making azzi’s bed for her. really, it’s the least she can do. she tidies up the floor, and even takes some time organzing her desk. it doesn’t take her long, since azzi is a neat and organized person.
finally, she pulls her hair up into a messy bun as she walks out of the bedroom. on the kitchen counter, there’s a full glass of water. paige’s phone sits on the table from last night’s dinner. no note, but it’s not like paige was really expecting one either.
maybe the boyfriend had texted and called her. maybe she just couldn’t bear to see paige. whatever it was, it was probably valid.
and as much as she wants to curse azzi for the rest of her life, paige shares just as much blame. azzi had a fucking boyfriend. no matter how much of an cornball loser he was, that was a taken woman.
azzi must have been so scared. cheating was bad, but it has to suck, like, a million times worse when you’re unsure about your sexuality. even if azzi was straight, she must have felt an unimaginable amount of shame and confusion.
so it'll be their little secret. most people didn’t notice paige, anyways, so it’s not like it’ll be a problem. if kate asks, she’ll tell her. but for now, she’ll do her very best to pretend everything is fine. she’s good at that.
sort of.
she grabs her keys from the entry table, doing her best to ignore the photo of azzi kissing her fuckass boyfriend’s cheek. paige had never hated a man (lie), but she really wants to strangle him right about now.
the thought makes her feel guilty. she has no right being possessive over azzi, especially since the brunette clearly doesn’t want anything to do with her after last night, but she can’t help it. there was no way in hell that any mediocre man could be better than a woman. paige isn’t cocky, but she knows that, based on the noises azzi was letting out last night, it’d been a while since someone had made her feel good.
she groans and runs her hands down her face before finally opening the door and walking out. she trudges down the hallway as quietly as she can, not wanting to wake the other people sleeping on the floor. when she makes it to the elevator, she lets out an exaggerated groan as it descends at a painfully slow rate.
she finally checks her phone as she walks to her car. kate has called her about a million times, and has texted her a million times more, but she’s going back to their apartment, so she decides not to respond. hopefully kate hasn’t filed a missing person report or some shit.
her phone’s bluetooth connects and immediately starts playing love by keyshia cole. ironic, considering she felt everything but loved at the moment. she felt like a sad middle schooler who just broke up with her first girlfriend. although, even more ironically, her and azzi weren’t dating. at this point, they weren’t anything.
paige groans, banging her head into the steering wheel as the chorus plays. she throws her head back in frustration as it blares through the speakers, and she scrambles around to shut it off before putting her car in reverse.
her whole body is stiff and her car is freezing cold, and azzi lives really out of the way. if it weren’t for the streetlamps lining the empty ass roads, paige probably would’ve fallen asleep by now. she kind of wishes she does. dying in a car accident wouldn’t be that bad. plus, it’s not like it’d be on purpose — it’d just be destiny. a sign from the universe, if you will.
but the universe is cruel and unforgiving. so of course, all she can think about on the entire ride home is azzi. azzi’s eyes, azzi’s hair, azzi’s beautiful, perfect body. the way azzi sounded when she came. the way she held paige tightly when she opened up about her mom. the way she refused help with dinner even though it was being offered to her so openly.
she was so fucking selfless. it’s the reason paige can’t bring herself to feel angry or bitter at anyone but herself. she knows azzi didn’t mean to hurt her feelings by walking out. she knows azzi was probably in shock, or scared, and the thought of azzi ever feeling that way blows every other feeling involved out of the water.
she does contemplate texting azzi a few times. she wants to check in, maybe see how she’s doing, but she knows it’s better to not talk about it at all.
she reaches her apartment complex, putting her car in park before sitting silence for a few minutes. she enjoys it, since she knows kate will probably be bombarding her with questions as soon as she walks in.
people tell paige she’s the smartest person in the room all the time. they talk about how they wish they had her brain, how they can only imagine having the ability to do the things she does. but honestly, paige doesn’t think she’s all that special.
at the end of the day, she’s literally just a stupid loser lesbian who happens to be crazy good at math. she feels the same things everyone else does, gets hurt and frustrated and confused and so fucking lost in the same way anyone else would.
and sure, she’d slept with enough women to know she was decent at it, but that was fucking useless when feelings became invovled. it’s partly why she stopped casually having sex after her mom died. she couldn’t do it, couldn’t fathom how people fucked and then acted normal about it, because paige hadn’t been normal about a single thing in her life.
she’d never slept with the same person more than once, mainly because she’d feel sick for days afterwards. it made her feel like an asshole, and maybe she was, a bit. but she knew relationships didn’t tend to end well in her family. her dad had been divorced twice, and she had a tendency to follow in his footsteps. so instead of ever commititing to falling in love in college, she would commit to studying instead.
and then a girl with curly brown hair and the prettiest eyes paige had ever seen came into play. paige felt herself falling quickly, and instead of distancing herself, she slept with her. whatever.
she slams her head against the steering wheel, squeezing her eyes shut to try and stop the tears from falling. there’s no use, though, since they rush down her face anyways, hot and angry.
she exhales shakily before finally forcing herself to step out of her car. it’s freezing outside, but she allows the cold wind to hit her face as she takes her time walking into the apartment complex. she deserves it anyways. stupid, stupid girl, she was.
she ignores the elevator once she makes it inside, settling for walking up the stairs. she needs the leg work anyways. once she makes it to her floor, she tries to compose herself. there’s no use, since she can’t seem to force the tears away.
she fumbles with her keys, trying to open the door a few times before failing and giving up once she grows frustrated with herself. a tear falls onto her shoe, and then and she knows she looks like a fucking mess as she bites her lip to choke the sobs back.
she slides down her door and slumps against it, exhaustion pulling her to sleep after a few minutes.
she doesn’t know how long she’s out for, but she’s awoken by kate’s voice blasting through the hallway. “jesus fucking christ,” she yells, a bit frightened. “why the hell are you out here?”
paige flinches at the volume, scrambling to stand up before walking past kate and attempting to beeline for her bedroom. this doesn’t work out, since kate wraps her arm around paige’s wrist and guides her to the couch. “talk to me,” she demands.
“i’m tired, kate,” paige mutters, trying to stand up but failing once kate pulls her back down to the couch.
“me too, paige,” kate huffs out angrily. “but you didn’t respond to any of my calls after disappearing last night, and then i wake up to you slumped against the door looking like shit.”
paige sighs. “gee, thanks for the words of encouragement,” she mutters out before feeling a sharp slap across her face. “jesus fuck, kate! what was that for?”
kate scoffs. “you think i’m joking. i was worried sick and you didn’t even call.”
paige shrugs. “’s embarrassing.”
kate rolls her eyes at the lame excuse. “nothing is embarrassing between us anymore, paige. i’ve known you since high school, for god’s sake.”
paige shrugs at the comment, since she can’t really argue with that. too tired to dance around the explanation for any longer, she lays it out plainly. “i had sex with azzi,” she admits quietly before resting her head on her hand that sits on the armresr. she feels the tears fall and doesn’t attempt to make them stay back this time.
all paige hears is a “shit” before kate wraps her arms around her shoulders and brings her into a tight embrace. they don’t say anything, the only sound being paiges quiet sobs.
“that good, huh?” kate attempts to joke, but when paige doesn’t laugh, she just sends her a sympathetic look. “too soon?” paige nods. “sorry. d’you wanna get some breakfast and talk about it?” paige shakes her head. “okay,” kate agrees before prodding paige to stand up.
she walks paige to her bedroom, tucking her in before bringing her a glass of water. paige finally allows herself to get good sleep.
…
she wakes up to the sound of her alarm blaring through her bedroom, a sharp reminder that, as much as she’d love to lay in her bed and sulk all day, she’s still a student with obligations. she groans before shutting it off, sipping the water kate kindly left out before checking her phone. as expected, there’s nothing from azzi, so she sets the phone back on her nightstand before staring at her ceiling.
a spaceship hangs from it, a necessary detail she always knew she wanted once she figured out what her dream career was. she watches as it swings back and forth from the light breeze blowing through the room.
as much as she loves her major and as excited as she is for her future, she also hates how lonely she feels at times as woman in engineering. in most of her classes, there’s only one or two other girls, and paige isn’t exactly social, so she doesn’t have any friends who really know what it’s like.
and jesus christ, some of the men could be exhausting. they’re so self-assured, so goddamn egotistical, always acting like they know more because they’re men. paige always thought that smarter men were slightly more refreshing, but her time in college has proven anything but.
kate always teases her about how much disdain she has for men, but they’re just such shallow creatures. they struggle to think about anything except their damn selves, and they think they’re so fucking worthy, when in reality, they’re anything but.
she’s annoyed when she thinks about azzi’s stupid boyfriend, who probably hasn’t had to work for a damn thing in his life. she’s sure that if she knocked on his skull she’d hear echoes. there was no way he had anything meaningful to offer, especially not to such a perfect girl like azzi. she groans into her pillow, smacking it into her face a few times in frustration before finally standing up to get ready for the day.
her shower goes smoothly enough, and it makes her feel just the tiniest bit less shitty.
today she decides on a worn vikings hoodie and a pair of sweatpants she’s probably owned since her freshman year of high school. they’re kind of short and sit like high waters, but she doesn’t have it in her to change. if she looks like shit, so fucking be it. she definitely fits the part.
kate is already in the kitchen cooking breakfast when she walks out of her bedroom. she’s making her usual: scrambled eggs with some toast and a side of avocado. paige wasn’t super fond of the avocado at first, but she’s grown to like it. plus, it’s good for her.
“morning,” she mumbles quietly, before clearing the rasp out of her throat.
kate smiles at the sound of her voice as she plates the food, sliding it across the counter while paige takes her seat at the island. “how’d you sleep, p?”
paige shrugs. no point in lying, so she just admits it. “like shit,” she sighs, self-depreciation all over her face as she shoves a bite of food into her mouth.
kate nods. “wanna talk about it now?” she asks, to which paige quickly declines with a firm head shake. “that’s okay. tell me anyways?”
paige groans at her nosy best friend’s insistence, but she speaks anyways. “she made dinner,” she starts, and when she looks up, kate is nodding along as if she wants her to tell the whole story. paige swallows, setting her fork down and rubbing her eyes with the bases of her palms. “told her about my mom.”
she doesn’t see kate, although she’s sure that there’s a look of surprise across her face. “shit,” she mumbles. “you didn’t tell me until six months after.”
paige nods. “yup,” she mutters. “and then we kissed, and then — yeah.”
kate looks puzzled. “so you had sex and then — and then what? you left at the asscrack of dawn?” when paige shakes her head, it seems to confuse kate more. “so then what happened, paige? seriously?”
paige shakes her head. “we had sex and then she said she was grabbing water. and then—" she pauses, frustrated at the recollection of events. “i dunno. guess she just never came back. wasn’t there when i woke up.”
kate nods along, satisfied enough with the explanation. “have you talked to her yet?”
paige stretches her arms above her head before dropping her hands back into her lap and shaking her head again. “don’t really know what i’d say. ‘hey azzi, i know we had mind blowing sex last night and you have a boyfriend, but i think i’m in love with you and i don’t really know what do do about it. also —‘“
“hold on,” kate cuts her off. “did you just say you’re in love with her?”
paige’s face burns up in surprise. she didn’t really mean for it to come out that way. or at all. “uh —“ she starts, but stops when she realizes she can’t really lie her way out of this one. “guess i did,” she says, toying at her lip with her teeth as she lets out a long sigh.
“damn…” kate huffs. “i understand it, though. respectfully, she’s hot as fuck,” when paige flips her off, she giggles. “and yeah. it seems like a good idea to me, she mumbles, and when paige sends her a look of confusion, she explains. “all i’m saying is that i’m not entirely against cheating if boring men are involved. you’re fucking hot, paige! worst thing that could happen is you don’t talk to her again.”
“no, kate, the worst thing that could happen is her boyfriend beating me the fuck up or something! are you insane?” paige looks at her as if she has two heads at the suggestion. the idea was nice and might work for other less socially-inept masc lesbians, but paige isn’t that forward and life doesn’t really tend to work out in her favor anyway.
“i mean — for what it’s worth, i bet you could take him,” kate mutters. “ow! stop slapping me, you bitch!”
“whatever, dude,” paige scoffs. “i’m going to class,” she says as she stands up from the rickety barstool. she rinses her dishes before taking a trip to the bathroom to wash her hands and brush her teeth. she hears kate shout out “you’re six feet tall and pretty damn strong, bueckers! it’s not that crazy!” causing paige to roll her eyes and send her a middle finger.
once she makes it to the bathroom, she looks at herself in the mirror. god, she’s a fucking mess. her eyes are all red and puffy and she feels pathetic. the last time she cried this much was probably when her mom died.
she wonders what her mom would think of her daughter. studying aerospace engineering, cool! being a sad loser lesbian who is probably going to die alone because she feels too deeply, not so cool.
at least maybe she’d be congratulating her for once.
for the engineering, she means. not the sad loser lesbian shit.
…
class goes by slowly as always, but paige is relieved when her professor lets them out a few minutes early. that is, until she checks her calendar and sees that she has a shift in less than an hour. wonderful. she’ll spend her already shitty day serving college students overpriced lattes and pastries.
when she gets to cafe, her coworker, nika, is already there making a drink for a customer. “hey, paige,” she says, looking over her shoulder right as she calls out the order. nika’s been working at the cafe a bit longer than paige, but she’s significantly more accustomed to the environment. they’re not close by any means, and to be completely honest, nika scares the ever living shit out of paige.
“hey, nika,” paige replies with the best smile she can muster as she ties her apron. nika flashes a quick smile before shouting out the order again. when no one shows up, she curses under her breath in Croatian and tosses the drink down the drain.
“fucking americans,” she mutters, rolling her eyes and motioning with her head for paige to take the next order as she goes to throw the cup in the trash can.
technically paige’s shift hasn’t started, but she’d never try to oppose nika, so she walks up to the counter. “hey! what can i get started for you today?” she asks, pushing her glasses up her face as she waits for the customer to order.
the customer side-eyes the girl next to her before scoffing. “give me a second, damn,” she mutters before sharing a laugh with the friend.
paige deals with a lot of unhappy customers, and this isn’t even close to the worst. she’s too irritated to give her the time of day, so she just backs up from the counter and waits until the girl is ready to order.
nika sidles up next to her after wiping a nonexistent stain from the counter. “why do you let people talk to you like that?”
paige shrugs. “maybe she’s having a bad day. don’t wanna make it worse.” just as she’s about to speak again, the girl waves her hand up to signal that she’s ready to order. she talks way too quickly for paige to process, which is unhelpful with how laggy paige had felt all day. “sorry, can you repeat that?” she asks meekly.
the girl rolls her eyes. “you work at a coffee shop and you can’t even process a basic order?” she complains, before repeating her order. “medium sugar-free iced vanilla latte with light ice and almond milk.”
just as she’s about to back up from the counter, nika walks up next to paige and stops her. “hold on,” she says to the girl. “you’re not getting shit until you apologize to her,” she spits, crossing her arms. “you know, you could be making your own skinny vanilla latte, bitch.”
the girl’s eyes widen and her jaw drops as she lets out a sound of surprise. “excuse me?”
nika tilts her head in mockery. “you heard me. apologize or leave,” she bites, causing the girl to flinch.
“jesus. i’m sorry,” she says, face turning beet red as she turns around and backs away from the counter.
nika turns back towards paige. “these people aren’t considerate of you, paige. sometimes you have to be a little mean.”
paige keeps her head down to hide how red her face probably is, shakily making the coffee. she’s really grateful that nika is so kind, but it’s so embarrassing knowing everyone feels an obligation to stick up for her all the time. she doesn’t know why she has such a problem standing up for herself, but she can’t fix it. so, she eventually just mutters a quiet thank you right after handing the customer her drink.
nika takes it upon herself to jot down the next few orders while paige prepares them, and eventually the cafe dies down for a while. nika laughs at something on her phone before pocketing it to playfully shoulder-check paige. “what’s up?” she asks, groaning when the taller girl shrugs. “you can’t do that. we’re work besties, so basically you gotta tell me everything. plus, you seem upset. like, more than usual. and that’s saying something.”
paige smiles internally at the comment. nika considers her a friend. nice. well, if they’re friends, paige supposes she can talk while being vague. “what would you do,” she starts, figuring out how to word her sentence to not sound so pathetic, “if you slept with a girl who has a boyfriend and then she left you in her bedroom in the middle of the night — well, technically this morning — and you haven’t spoken since?” she asks, realizing there’s no way to make her sound like less of a loser.
nika is stunned, eyebrows raised and jaw about two inches from the floor, and she looks like she’s about to question paige further, but a customer walks in. paige takes this one.
she finishes the order, and nika is still standing by the sink looking like she’s just seen a ghost. damn. it wasn’t that crazy. “nika?” paige calls, waving a hand in front of her face. “anyone home?” she questions as she wipes down the counter.
nika finally moves, but this time she just looks dumbfounded, almost like she can’t believe paige would do this. “bro, you’re not a virgin?” she questions, obviously doing some type of mental math in her head.
paige laughs at that, shaking her head as she wipes down some unoccupied tables. “nope,” she says, nika smiling at the admission from behind the counter.
“damn, p. and here i thought you were completely allergic to women,” she says, paige flipping her off at the comment. they both laugh, paige genuinely smiling for the first time that day. nika sits on the counter, the cafe now empty. “so who’s the lucky girl?” she asks, wiggling her eyebrows.
paige throws the dirty rag back into the bucket before draining the water in the sink and washes her hands. “doesn’t matter,” she says.
nika hums at the response. “she pretty?” she asks, and paige nods immediately. “nice,” she replies, eyes studyinge paige like she wants to say something more.
“what?” paige asks, leaning against the counter.
“you gotta let me see her, bro,” nika asks. “please! promise it’ll be our little secret. i need some drama.”
paige shakes her head again. “nope, sorry” she refuses, and when nika gives her puppy eyes she explains. “look — it just wouldn’t be safe. i don’t even think she’s out. or if she’s even gay. but yeah, she’s beautiful.”
she hopes that nika won’t go on a wild goose chase trying to find azzi, but she’s already worried that she’s said too much. jesus. she probably shouldn’t have told nika anything at all. whatever. if this got out, she’d feel terrible.
"ah, that makes sense," nika sighs, a bit dissapointedly. it seems like nika can sense her thoughts, and she reassures paige. “thanks for telling me. promise this stays between us.” she smiles, holding her arms out for paige to hug her. when they step away, she speaks again. “hey — i know this is like super last-minute, but would you wanna come to ted’s tonight? promise it’ll be chill. just me and a couple of friends.”
damn, maybe nika is nicer than she thought. honestly, there’s been a few times where paige has been scared that nika would commit murder. right now, though, you wouldn’t know it. paige considers the invite. she doesn’t really go out, and she honest-to-god hates drinking, especially in public, but she's terrified nika might murder she declines. can't be that bad. plus, kate is probably gonna be with lucy anyways. she weighs her options, before deciding to accept the offer with a quiet “sure,” shrugging.
nika shrieks, causing paige to flinch, and then pulls her into a hug. “yay! if you hate it, i’ll totally call you an uber,” she offers. “but promise we don’t go too crazy.”
paige laughs, since she can’t really imagine nika being anything but crazy, and they plan out their night as the customers continue to file in every once in a while.
is drinking a good way to get a girl out of your head? definitely not. but it is fun! sometimes. and besides, maybe paige will work up the courage to, like, block azzi or something.
…
paige is wearing a white t-shirt and black cargo pants with her beat up white air force ones that she’s probably had since high school, and her hair is pulled back into a low bun.
nika whistles when she walks into the bar, clearly already a few drinks in based on how laid back she is. “damn, paige. you clean up nice,” she says, giving paige a side hug. there’s a taller girl next to her, probably the same height as paige, and she smiles as she holds her hand out to greet her. paige wipes her already sweaty hands on her shirt before meeting it.
“jordan,” the girl says, still smiling kindly as she wraps her arm around nika’s shoulder. “you work with nika, right?”
paige nods. “yup,” she confirms, rocking back and forth on her feet. jesus. she needs a drink immediately if she’s going to be here for more than two minutes. “’scuse me,” she mutters, motioning towards the bar before turning around and walking towards it.
when she gets to the bar, she orders a few shots of tequila and hesitates before downing them all. they fill her body with a burning sensation, and she probably shouldn’t have taken them so quickly, but it feels oddly nice. just as she’s about to order more, she hears a familiar voice on her left.
“going all in tonight, huh?” the voice says, and she turns to confirm her suspicions. of fucking course ariana’s here. this is where they met, after all.
ariana was one of the girls paige had slept with during freshman year, and they haven’t spoken since. she’s changed, her previously bleached blonde hair now toned down to a medium brown color, and her style seems more like her.
they didn’t end on bad terms or anything, but that’s just usually how it went with paige’s hookups. she isn’t super surprised that this is the way they meet again, but it’s ironic since neither of them are really drinkers. “funny seeing you here,” paige smiles, ordering another round.
“is it?” ariana questions, taking the seat next to paige.
paige shakes her head. “not really,” she says. “what have you been up to? it’s been a while.”
ariana shrugs, picking at her nail polish. “i’m fine. got broken up with a couple of days ago but i’m okay other than that.”
paige cringes at that. “damn. you might be worse than me.”
the brunette chuckles. “oh yeah? what happened to you?”
paige shrugs. “doesn’t really matter,” she says, downing the other two shots. they burn as they go down her throat, and the room is already spinning around her at this point. “wanna dance?” she asks, stumbling as she stands from the barstool.
ariana laughs. “why not?” she agrees, following paige to the dance floor.
they keep a respectable distance, laughing and jumping as the upbeat music plays. ariana actually seems cool as shit, and paige is kind of upset that they didn’t ever explore a platonic relationship, because even if they didn’t share many interests, paige is still having a fun time.
she wonders how many friendships she’s lost out on because of her anxiety. talking to new people, especially girls, scared the shit out of her. when ariana approached her that one night, they barely talked before heading to her place. paige, as always, was out of ariana's dorm by 2 am. she’s glad ariana didn’t take that personally. although, she wouldn’t blame her if she did. she knows how much of a dick she used to be when it came to girls, even if it was unintentional.
she doesn’t know how much time passes, but paige feels ridiculously out of place and honestly wants to go home. however, she knows that if she leaves, all she’ll be able to think about is azzi.
with azzi in mind, a tear starts to fall down her cheek, and concern takes over ariana’s face. “are you okay?” she asks, pulling paige into a hug.
in the back of paige’s mind, she knows that this is probably super weird, especially for ariana. they’d only slept together one time, and they hadn’t spoken in over two years. hell, they barely knew each other. still, paige is too sad and tired to care. she shakes her head and lets out a sob into ariana’s shoulder. “i miss her,” she mutters.
ariana hums. “you miss who?”
paige’s breath shudders. “i can’t tell you,” she sobs. after a moment, she pulls back, studying ariana’s face. ariana’s face is scrunched in confusion, but she nods. she’s really pretty.
paige misses azzi.
azzi is so pretty. she’s the prettiest girl to ever exist, paige thinks. maybe if paige kisses ariana she can forget about her. she slowly moves her hands to cradle either side of her face, leaning in and closing her eyes.
but just as she thinks she’s about to meet ariana’s lips, she meets a hand instead. ariana laughs. “absolutely not, paige,” she says, politely backing her away and removing her hands from her face. “i think you’re drunk. and confused. let me order you an uber.”
paige huffs out a sigh and finally looks around. her entire body feels like jello, and the room is really spinning now. she swears she sees azzi, but just as she’s about to walk towards her, she feels the bile rise in her throat.
she sprints to the bathroom, thankful her hair is tied back when she throws herself onto the dirty floor and hurls into the toilet. her forehead beads with sweat and the corners of her eyes fill up with tears as she empties her stomach.
there’s a knock on the other side of the stall, and she’s relieved to hear nika’s voice. “you good?” she asks.
paige hums an affirmative, letting out a strong grunt as she wills herself to stand up from the floor. she flushes the toilet and steps out of the stall, washing her hands and splashing water on her face.
she looks like a fucking mess. her face is red, her hair is all messed up because she forgot to use gel, and her eyes are somehow more puffier than they were this morning. “need to leave,” she says, looking at nika in the mirror.
nika gives her a look of sympathy before nodding in understanding. “already ordered one. want me to stand outside with you?”
paige shakes her head. “no thanks,” she mutters, making her way out of the bathroom.
she kind of wishes that throwing up made her less drunk, but her limbs still feel like jello and she can barely type on her phone.
today, 1:38 am
lil paigey: on my wau homw
k money: what
lil paigey: five minute
k money: see you soon drunkie!!
paige giggles at kate’s text just as the uber pulls up, and she opens the window as soon as she gets in. she makes sure not to go on her phone so she doesn’t get carsick, and before she knows it, the uber is outside her apartment building. she thanks the driver, stumbling out of the car towards the building doors.
she somehow manages to make it into her apartment safely, and kate is sitting with lucy on the couch when she gets there. they wave hello, and she forces a smile as she stumbles to her bedroom before stripping down into only her boxers. she finds an old t-shirt in her drawer, and pulls it over her head before flopping onto her matress.
she sees that azzi has posted a new story. she clicks on it, curiosity taking over. it’s a selfie, round cheeks poking out and her perfect smile on display. she looks beautiful. she looks so fucking beautiful and paige needs to die. paige moves her thumb to get a better look at the photo, but she realizes that she accidentally liked the story.
whatever. azzi should know that paige misses her. maybe she’ll take pity on her and then she’ll stop acting like paige doesn’t exist and then they’ll live happily ever after.
she opens her phone app, seeing azzi’s name near the top. her finger hovers over the button, and she goes back and forth for a few minutes, even turning her phone off at some point, but she eventually presses the call button. what's the worst that could happen? azzi probably won't pick up anyways.
it rings a few times and she almost hangs up, but right as she pulls the phone away from her ear, she hears a raspy voice on the other side. “paige?” azzi asks, clearly just asleep. paige doesn’t respond, and azzi speaks again. “are you okay, paige?” she asks, and paige swallows.
she feels sick again, but she doesn’t think she can throw up anything more at this point. she sobs quietly, and she really considers hanging up, but she just needs to hear azzi’s voice for a few minutes longer. “i miss you so fucking much,” she slurs out, “and i’m so sorry about last night.”
she hears azzi sigh on the other end, and it sounds like a door shuts behind her before she speaks. “are you drunk, paige?”
paige sobs. “who cares?”
“go to sleep, paige” azzi says, audibly exhausted.
“‘m not tired,” paige mumbles, clearly lying. her eyes are struggling to stay open and she can barely move.
“it’s almost two in the morning, paige. you’re probably fucking exhausted,” azzi says, annoyed.
“can’t sleep without brushing my teeth,” paige mumbles, fighting to stay awake so she can savor every last moment with azzi. she knows it’s stupid but this will probably be the last time they talk anyways.
azzi laughs at that. paige smiles, even though she knows azzi can’t see her. hearing her laugh is probably the best thing that will every happen to paige. she wishes she had a recording of it, just to hear it every time she needed some happiness in her life. “are you going to brush them?” azzi asks, and paige can almost hear her bunny teeth poking out of her beautiful, plush lips.
paige wishes she’d let herself indulge in the feeling of azzi more when she had the chance. she starts to cry at the memory again, forgetting azzi’s still on the line when she hears her speak again. “paige?”
she clears her throat. “you’re so pretty azzi. i’m so sorry,” she croaks out.
she hears azzi sigh again. “how much did you have to drink?”
god, how much did she have? it couldn’t have been that much, but paige has become a lightweight. “i dunno,” she replies honestly.
she hears azzi hum on the other side of the line. “okay. do you wanna brush your teeth before you go to sleep?”
paige thinks about it for a moment. she should brush her teeth, but does that mean azzi will hang up? “need your help.”
“you need my help?” azzi asks, confused.
“can you stay on the line, baby? please?” paige asks nervously, the pet name slipping out by accident.
she hears azzi sigh again, the phone going silent. paige wonders, for a brief instant, if azzi hung up the call. when she pulls it away from her ear, it’s still ongoing. she hears movement on the other line, and azzi sighs out a tired “okay” before instructing her to walk to the bathroom.
“i’m in the bathroom,” paige mumbles once she reaches the door.
“okay,” azzi giggles. “i believe you. now brush your teeth.”
paige stumbles toward the sink, head still fuzzy as she uncaps the toothpaste and drops some onto the counter as she tries to get it on the toothbrush. she runs it under the water, putting azzi on speaker while she lazily brushes her teeth. she forces her eyes to stay open, fighting against the bright light of the bathroom.
“y’know,” she says around her toothbrush. “there was this girl at the bar,” she continues, and azzi is silent on the other end. “i tried to kiss her so i could forget about you,”
“did you?” azzi says, tired.
“yeah. but she pushed me away. i was kinda happy, though, cause i don’ think any girl could kiss as good as you,” paige admits before spitting into the sink and rinsing her mouth out. azzi’s silent on the other end of the phone, so paige takes it as a cue to speak again. “azzi?”
azzi hums. “‘m still here, paige.”
paige smiles. “good, cause i was not ready to say good night,”
she hears azzi laugh exhaustedly on the other side of the phone. “oh yeah?”
“yeah,” paige admits, taking her hair out of her bun and brushing through the tangled bits. “will you call me tomorrow?” she asks nervously.
azzi audibly swallows. it almost sounds like she’s trying not to cry when she whispers, “it’s late, paige,”
paige feels her eyes well up with tears again. “i know, but — c’mon azzi, you gotta promise me.”
“go to sleep, paige,” azzi says, her end of the phone going completely silent this time. paige desperately tries to call out her name a few times to see if there’s any response, but she sees that azzi has hung up the call.
she spits into the sink, gums scrubbed so raw that there’s blood, and she turns on the shower. she finally looks in the mirror after doing her best to avoid it, and she barely recognizes the woman looking back at her.
her eye bags are somehow more prominent than they were this morning, and her lips are red from the salt of her tears. she wishes the sight of herself could be enough to stop crying, but instead it just makes her feel even more pitiful. she hates it. she hates feeling sorry for herself.
even more, she hates knowing that everything that happened was one hundred percent avoidable. if she had never entertained azzi, she wouldn’t be in this stupid fucking predicament. maybe she’d be getting drunk and having fun instead of thinking about every single thing she’s done wrong in her life.
she steps into the shower, the salty sting of her tears mixing with the heat of the water. she can’t really decipher which is which anymore.
…
paige’s alarm wakes her up at an ungodly hour, reminding her that hangovers don’t mean she can forget about her responsibilites. the winter sun filters through her curtains, immediately producing a sharp headache at the base of her skull.
she groans into her pillow before making the dumb decision to go on her phone. she lowers the brightness, annoyed when it immediately opens to her call log, and unfortunately, she remembers the previous night rather vividly. she remembers the moment she ignored her brain and called azzi. she remembers calling her baby. she remembers sobbing to her while azzi refused to make that promise.
paige doesn’t blame her. in fact, she thinks azzi has every right to be pissed off at her. honestly, last night gave her even more reason to never speak to paige again. still, the thought doesn’t make it hurt any less. she can’t help but think about what they would’ve said if azzi did make that promise. maybe they could agree to forgive and forget. it’d hurt, but paige hated leaving doors opened. closure is so much better than confusion, even if it killed her. it was probably meaningless to azzi, but it would’ve meant the world to paige.
she knows she shouldn’t get stuck in the hypotheticals. truthfully, she’s completely against them. when she was younger, her mom always told her to expect disappointment. if you allowed yourself to hope, even a small amount, you’d always end up dissatisfied in the end. it’s why so many people call paige a pessimist. it used to make her upset, but nowadays she likes to think it’s saved her from a lot of heartbreak.
why was it different with azzi, then? well, paige doesn’t have a clue, but it probably had something to do with her kind eyes and the way she never made paige feel out of place. she’s never had that, the sense of normalcy azzi gave her. it was nice.
paige knows that people find her odd and rather off-putting sometimes. she’s accepted it at this point, and she sometimes wishes she had the courage to change the way people constantly pitied her, but she doesn’t like herself enough to do that. it’s hard to change someone else’s opinion of her when she doesn’t even know how to change the opinon she has of herself.
she turns her phone off, plugging it into the outlet to try and charge it as much as possible before she has to leave for work. she lazily goes through her morning routine, eyes threatening to shut with every move, before walking out into the kitchen. kate isn’t awake yet, so she brews herself a coffee and does her best to make a nutritious breakfast. she settles on a random omelette recipe she had saved on instagram reels.
the eggs come out a little burnt, and the vegetables aren’t her favorite, but it’s good enough. the coffee is bitter, as always, but it does its job and wakes her up. she scrolls through instagram on her ipad as she works through her meal, catching herself smiling at the cute kitten videos that pop up. she cringes at some point when she realizes how much of a loser she seems like, and promptly shuts off her ipad and cleans up the table.
she washes off in the bathroom, doing her makeup to look at least a little bit more presentable. most days, she wouldn’t wear it for work, but she’d rather not explain why she looks like she’s seen satan himself at eight in the morning.
the cafe is more packed than she’d like, but at least she isn’t working alone. kk took the opening shift, and when she leaves, nika’s shift starts. kk greets her with a “hey, paige!” as she ties her apron around her waist. she seems awfully cheery, as always, and paige smiles at the positive tone in her voice. “morning, kk,” she replies.
everyone should be more like kk, she thinks.
(including herself).
the first part of her shift goes by pretty smoothly, only dealing with a couple of annoyed customers. she doesn’t let it bother her, especially since being more negative won’t help her case at all. just as she thinks she’s going to finally have a small break, though, another customer walks in. paige squints to get a better look, and dies internally when she realizes that it’s ariana.
shit. paige forgot about that detail when she was recounting the events of last night. she’d been so embarrassing, and of fucking course ariana shows up to her place of work. she clears her throat when ariana makes it to the counter, but her voice is still shaky when she speaks. “ari! hey — uh, let me know what i can get started for you.”
ariana smiles, nodding. “sure,” she replies, pretending to study the menu board. great. this isn’t awkward in the slightest. paige looks away, trying to hide her mortification until she accidentally makes eye contact. ariana is waiting expectantly. “i’ll just have a peppermint mocha, please,” she orders, tapping her phone to pay when paige presents the menu screen.
she leaves a generous tip, and paige nervously mouths a “thank you” as she turns to prepare the coffee. she hands it over, knowing it’s probably a good idea to apologize for last night. “hey, ari?” she calls out just as ariana turns around, fidgeting with her hands.
“yeah?” she responds, walking back up to the counter.
paige sighs. “i’m sorry about last night. seriously, got way too drunk and confused.”
ariana giggles. “you were really drunk,” she agrees. “but swear, you’re good. figured you were thinking about someone else anyways.”
paige tilts her head. “yeah?”
ariana nods. “you were talking about this girl. you wouldn’t tell me who, but you said you missed her,” she explains. “i hope it works out, paige. whoever she is.”
paige blinks in confusion. huh. she didn’t remember that part. had she really brought up azzi right before trying to kiss ariana. damn, she really is an asshole. “thank you,” she mutters stupidly, ariana nodding once before walking out of the cafe.
