I would have hated myself more if I was someone that could be properly loved by you. I know she was grooming me to adapt so I wouldn’t leave. I fell out of love with you both months ago, but kept tying to hold the pieces together out of a crippling fear of loneliness, a fear she knew about before and during- but she never actually loved ME, she loved how I loved her and how I treated her, but she didn’t even know me. She blew smoke up my ass about understanding and made her own conclusions, she made assumptions, she thought I had feelings and emotions I didn’t, and read most of our discussions about serious shit as fights and ran with that without confirming if I was even angry. She kept pressing the things her abusive ex did and compared me anytime I acted out of line, she guilted me into playing the role she needed. Both of you admitted to and reminded me periodically that you don’t feel empathy, she would remind me when I needed support to shut me up, apologize to end conversations without any sort of actual acknowledgment as of why she was remorseful for hurting people because she just didn’t want someone mad at her, it had nothing to do with them. I had to give life advice at 19 to two 22 year olds that claimed they knew what life was. I was made into an emotional support dog, and when my mental illnesses flared up I was offered nothing. I had to put myself together and pretend that they helped my struggles to make them feel better, because if they tried and failed I had to reassure them they weren’t bad people and that they did their best and actively prevent the chick from self destructing and she would reassure him that he’s doing a good job. There was an incident that he had to reassure me about, and she turned it into a learning opportunity for him and praised him for doing a good job, without even asking me if it helped at all. If she thought things were good, then there was nothing wrong. She constantly went on about how he was trying and improving, but it was only on her side, he progressively got worse and less interested and interactive with me while getting better with her. She called me mean about being upset. She wouldn’t listen. She could never fucking listen if she thought things were okay. She told me I was toxic and that talking about things was bad and the things I do was bad for relationships, and then switch and tell me how great I was and how well I was doing and how proud she was, and then I’d piss her off and it’d go back to me being the source of all the relationships problems. And good, if that’s the one thing you didn’t lie about then I hope I made you fucking miserable, but I know that you only said that to manipulate me into being a good boy. I was crying every week several times a week for hours in front of her from their actions, and she told me it was me. She told me I was having nightmares about him and sleep talking about everything and still said that it was me. We broke up and got back together and she told me she didn’t mean that I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I was the only one that ever wanted to talk things out, I was the one that tried to put pieces back together because if she actually realized they did something wrong she would shut down or spiral about being a bad person and again need reassurance. I tried to talk about my feelings after she said she would “fix things”, and she would tell me everything on his side, explained all his actions, told me why I should think differently, why it wasn’t a big deal, why he didn’t mean to and why he did it. I would ask her if she explained me to him and it was always no. I asked her why and it was because “…it never came up” or some other misdirection. I went into every talk with me not being understood and him not trying to understand and just trying to defend himself. Everything got him defensive. Everything. And they would defend him and scold me. I could and had to admit my misdoings and he could not and that was fine. Our compromises consisted of me giving up and forgiving and bottling and him moving on and joking with them.
