I may not know much but I do think that balancing good and bad outlooks is a tricky thing, and that a common pitfall for people trying to better themselves is giving too much credit to misfortune.
It is an important skill to recognize when things are bad or when you feel bad; and when developing it, it is easy to overdue it, and to give objectivity to the badness. Mindset is still a powerful thing, and reality really is as subjective as what you make of it. However, lacking awareness or denying when you do feel bad is not helpful. And neither is deferring absolutely to when you do feel bad.
It is a balancing act that I think comes more naturally with time ... YES there are abysmal things about your past or present situation, YES it is alright to feel all sorts of negative or painful things about it, YES you should develop the patience and security to invite yourself back into yourself.
But also: YES, feelings are as prone to influence as they are innate, and simply moving yourself to a different physical location may make all the difference in your level of optimism and activity today. YES, maintaining a hopeful outlook - even if no action is taken today - is the difference between helping yourself and letting yourself rot.
When you start involving others, it gets tricky: YES, you've been hurt, and YES, it is not unwise to pull back from those whom you cannot trust.
But: and especially in the case of family: YES, you are older than you used to be, and you are much more capable at handling yourself.
Sometimes people who have hurt you try to change, too. This can be entirely vexing, because it is always easy to let things be black and white: either "I suck" or "they suck."
YES, you reserve the full right to offer or withhold your forgiveness. And also, YES, it is entirely possible for you to have a decent interaction with them in current times. You still don't owe them anything, but perhaps you owe it to yourself to keep yourself steady and to keep things feeling alright and in-control.
And if you do have a bad interaction: that is alright. You're older, and you do have power over the things you do and say, and ultimately - they don't have to affect you anymore. You don't have to let them.
And in some situations - it really is a fine route to let yourself turn to stone just to get through it. IT IS NOT THE WAY THAT YOU WANT TO LIVE FOR FOREVER! But if it is not yet safe to thaw, then you can hold onto your ice.
It's complicated, because every situation is unique, isn't it? For example, it can be hard to convince somebody that they have self-control when they just don't feel that way inside. This post may not mean anything to them. There have plenty of times where I am grasping for anything inside that will teach me that I actually do have some sort of stability or that I really am alright in life - but sometimes you just don't yet have that. And I keep asking how to find that, and I haven't found an easy answer yet.
But there are also days where I simply do feel more in-control, and that life is doable after all, and that despite it all I actually AM an adult.
And it's good to be able to track how you feel inside - but again, organisms are one with their environment in the sense that the cause/response event is one action. Your environment affects you, and your response to it defines it and you, and in that way you are your surroundings are functionally one.
Going somewhere nice or having some sort of success can give you heart as if anew. Finding ways to tap into feelings of safety or success can change your mindset which will in turn change your reality today.
To circle back: it's a common pitfall for people who are finally connecting with their pain to damn the whole thing to hellfire. YES, it's vital that people can connect with their natural aggression and find the drive to defend themselves, that they can honor their feelings of violation and indignance; and also, YES, sticking so rigidly to that negativity is a besmirchment to the reality of subjectivity: that life really is what you make of it, and it's not really good for you to commit yourself to pessimism and misery!
You have to let yourself move in and out of that negativity, I think.
Here's the thing: growth and healing is constant learning, unfortunately. Stagnation is a symptom of unresolved pain, and it is a tough habit to break when you try to get the ball rolling. You will stagnate every now and then. But over time you'll gain the grace to recognize when you are stuck in something unhelpful and to be able to see yourself out of it.
It's obviously easier said than done, isn't it?
This post is long enough, but: I guess my point is to remember to never think that the job is done. You'll learn something new and think that this time you know everything. But then later you'll be faced with something contrary and you'll have to navigate the discomfort of being wrong. Work on growing a tolerance to that discomfort - because it is a perfectly fine thing - and allowing it to happen will move you through it; and eventually, you'll grow comfortable with the element of change that is necessary for living.
I guess, don't anticipate or expect something to go bad. Because then it almost certainly will. Be reasonable, and be prepared, but have faith in your ability to be older and more stable than you used to be. Strength comes from flexibility and in being able to feel your feelings as they come and go - and they will go, if you allow them to arrive to begin with.
This next thing is a feeling that is hard to instill when you just don't believe in it inside, so when you do come across it, make sure to take a good long look at it and commit it to memory: it's actually quite fun to be the master of your own fate. To be an adult. You won't always FEEL like you're in control, and you may still feel the victim to circumstance or to helplessness, but I assure, you are still alive and you are still here and things don't really have to be your problem. Other people's feelings are not your problem. Your own problems don't even have to be problems, just events. Your own feelings certainly aren't a problem: when you don't know how to be responsible with yourself and to tolerate your feelings, it can seem like a problem, but that's just your current perspective. Feelings, sensations, opinions, thoughts, intuition, ETC - it's all how you live. They're not the problem. It takes time to integrate into yourself when you've been severed or poorly taught, but that's not a problem either: it's just the way it is right now.
You are a living organism who is doing what it can. And that will be true until you die. Life is fluid, reality is fluid, and you are fluid; and transforming rigidity of mind, body, or spirit into movement will always be discomforting, but that does not mean that it is impossible. It is perfectly possible to tolerate, lean into, and even love the discomfort of change; and all feelings, good or bad, are reliably temporary.
