HIT LIKE IF YOU GOT SCARED. Icon from the youtube video where vegeta is an awful father ("Vegeta's Christmas Present") (IT IS SO FUNNY...) Posts on a queue except when I just hit post on that shit.
Welcome to me blog sire...! I'll respond to any name, including Rhubi. Currently in my dragon ball phase.
I keep rewriting this post and it keeps being long, so for now I'll stick the whole thing under a readmore - I'm at the point now where I think that I can be brief.
I read slow but I'm working on finishing a few books right now. The most important one that I'd recommend is "In An Unspoken Voice" by Peter Levine - it's about the nature of trauma and the healing of it, and it's a real life-changer. I am going to be annoying about this.
I'm a neophyte in everything that this blog is, but that won't stop me from trying to make discussions out of things! I'm uneducated, but interested. I don't know what online niche this is or what sorts of online communities I'm meant to assimilate into, but I'm here.
I'm open-minded. I like to think and feel.
This blog is for DISTURBING THINGS.
Also SWEET things, like healing mindsets, or genuinely lovely things.
It will also get personal.
I also LOVE TO LAUGH and so I may peddle a lot of BULLSHIT!!!!!
Also everything I draw is a PR nightmare. & it all means the world to me.
Below is a more comprehensive take on this blog that was written previously (sept 2023), as well as a breakdown of the tagging system.
PEACE & LOVE ON PLANET EARTH !!
This blog is for disturbing things. But not exclusively - I have no allegiance to explicit taboo, and there is no point that I am trying to make in being deliberately gross (unless stated otherwise; and not to overshadow the artistic value, merit, and necessity of being purposefully counter or grotesque & macabre in a sensitive sense).
Things well within the range of acceptable/conventional and empathetic, and are still difficult and raw and honest and vulnerable, are of steep interest as well. Even just things that I find BOLD! Given stigma or otherwise. Further generalized: anything piquant in a certain, potent way!
There will be MORBIDLY / SINCERELY SWEET THINGS as well because ... there's so much there that is important.
Also just like. Interesting things. Art or insights about, like, humanity or nature that I found interesting. If my brain is turned on yknow. Sometimes it is
This blog will GET PERSONAL. As a mode of self-expression, self-comprehension in context of an outer whole, interconnectivity - HONESTY, really.
I want to encourage self-protection as much as self-exploration - Use the block button if there is something here that you cannot tolerate, now or ever! Or send me asks about it.
This goes without saying but: This post is prone to change/replacement, as no one can tell the future, and who knows what features + atmospheres + intentions will move in and out of this blog (and in other words, myself). When you consider life to be an ongoing journey: I would expect to post forward, toward deeper understanding or new thoughts, as well as in retroactive art-moods in order to express the backlog of ideas that I've entertained. But if the latter doesn't happen, that's alright. I'll try to let things pass with grace, then. I won't hold my horses, but I won't beat them, either.
It's unnatural, and natural given the unnatural circumstances: see it before you and accept reality. View it with due criticism, contempt, or aversion, and without taboo.
When it comes to fucked up art, my favorite subjects are those of an inappropriate intimacy, a damning devotion, and misappropriated/forsaken parental/power dynamics - and/or anything that I can call "honey horror" as an aesthetic term. I think that they're conducive for many interesting themes, insights, and discussions!
I am also very partial to the patterns of freezing -> thawing and of a soul returning (hopelessness as felt by a character is one thing, but a true hopelessness by conviction of the author has never been my thing!). So the topic of health and healing will come up frequently, I think. Unless it doesn't. Lol
Again, there will be gravely sweet things here as well! They're important, and when I suddenly care, I care DEEPLY.
Although - and I cannot overstate this - there will also be quite a fair amount of bullshit on this blog. It's what I do.
Healing is always in your loving hands.
TAGS:
Reblog - all reblogs (others' posts)
Art - reblogged art (mostly visual)
pinotnoirposts - all original posts (even if reblogged from another blog of mine--tagged at my own discretion)
rhubi archives - a subset of the above tag that is longer, perhaps more personal, textposts; either contained or open discussions
rhubi arts - personal art tag
Trauma - Posts that are predominately or explicitly about trauma in a visible way, moreso than the rest (all posts will have an undercurrent naturally!)
Healing - Posts that predominately or explicitly carry the theme or hope for healing
SWEET - Things that are so very sweet and wholesome, or morbidly sweet
BLOOD - blood! An aesthetic tag. Red blood (literal and visual), flesh, intimacy, devotion, damnation
FROOT - An aesthetic tag that is a focused subset of the above one: The need for love, intimacy, sex, rest, or pleasure - and the FEAR of it (or, the coming-around sensitivity to the need of it in the context of healing, which often has you weak and tremulous and feeling the awe/fear of nature/god)
Categorical tags, like "Quotes," "Video," and "Music"
Fandom tags, like "dragon ball"
CONCEPT TAGS:
Castor & Cain - Tarble and Vegeta tag (dragon ball)
Table - I like Tarble so he gets his own tag. Mutually exclusive with the previous tag
Mankind has such a wealth of art and science due to admiration for the natural world and a desire to touch the stars ... But also sooo much of it has been forwarded by our obsession with self-observation, due to the various forms of self-detachment present in like every freakin' culture (and to varying degrees) ... We want to find ourselves and pin ourselves like a moth because on some level, we feel the imperative to come home, and we want to force ourselves back in .. I think ... That's how it feels anyway.
So much art is expression of disarray or repressed experiences, and an attempt to reconcile with it or communicate it to ourselves or others. So much science is an attempt to reconnect with the natural world or to mollify the confusion of our minds, having been severed from our bodies.
That self-disconnect and rigidity against the rhythm of healing manifests in such bizarre ways, I'm telling you - and once you start seeing it, you notice it everywhere.
We have a limitless wealth of culture, art, science, and dialogue pertaining; having taken mankind thousands of years to gather and build it all; and that's a beautiful thing, because life is robust, and this gives us much to admire.
But also, at some point, you have to learn how to LIVE the life you're observing.
Until then, we will keep creating branches of change and progress and mistakes, sprouting like fungi and spreading like tendrils; limitless; and what we find is remarkable, but driven by an obsession to break apart, understand, and find a way in; it's not necessarily embodied.
As an animal species, we've probably chased our way out of any chance for total embodiment, just because we've been going this way for too long now. We're not just gonna one day start living like bonobos do. We're too creative and complex (and spiritually driven) for that, anyway.
But I think at the beginning (and still, in several places) we were embodied, in tuned with the world, and speaking the same language as our instincts. Things change, though, and as it turns out, all of our gifts of evolution (our powerful frontal cortex, for one) also make it possible for us to avoid healing from trauma, so we just gather up the dysfunction with the generations.
I'm not asking everyone on the entire planet to drop everything and form matrist cultures or anything. Or for every individual to join a Buddhist monastery. I mean what the hell do I know.
I mean this is just the way it is. No amount of self-subjugation can eliminate the fact that humans are animals, and from the earliest link in the evolutionary chain have been capable of responding and adapting to shocks or hardships. Nature is on our side with this one. It's just a matter of gathering the courage, knowledge, patience, and mutual support to invite some healing into us.
I read somewhere today something that was very apt, and my understanding of it was:
regardless of their trauma, dysregulated and toxic individuals will treat you based on how they're feeling on the inside
--
I so often wonder about some of my really really bad relationships: was any of it real? Did they love me?
It's so hard to engage with these thoughts because... during the beginning of those relationships, I was love-bombed.
Some love-bombing can be straight up a lie and manipulative, yes.
I think that some love-bombing is genuine from the other person - but that they are only acting in such a way because they feel happy on the inside.
Once they start feeling bad about themselves... all the stuff they used to do or say falls away - the love and action aren't consistent.
Most of these people are chronically empty on the inside... it's heartbreaking to realize, and it's dangerous to live with them. It's impossible to keep filling them up.
--
And yes, I knew that my ex-spouse was hurting really badly - I could see it in their eyes, their body, etc. You have no idea how hard it was to break up with them. I loved them so much, but they hated me... I don't think they liked themselves very much.
At the end of the day, abuse and mistreatment is just that. It doesn't matter what the other person is going through - they don't have to put it on you.
Some scary things are worth doing. Going outside, talking to people, public speaking, trying out something new, getting a job even tho you're unsure how it will go. You're a scared little plant but you can blossom into a beautiful, self assured tulip if you try being brave.
more stories where falling in love is a horrifying fate worse than death rather than a source of comfort and hope. more stories where love is understood as a terminal affliction.
check it out, i jsut made blood and flesh actually kind of sexual and epic. I put a bit of catholic vocabulary in there as well, "the divine" makes an appearence. itslike if romance and death was eating.... well... you get the picture. do you like it? do you? what if i showed you another one? what if i showed you this one? what if i showed you the first one again? what if i showed you another? what about this one? what if i included more raw meat and reference to biting and teeth in it? its good right? ok let me explain its like if, love meat consume godly fuck possession blood gnaw kill each other sexual. yes?
thats the hiding message. the dogs are all the lovers taht are also love style ripping and consuming displaying the romance is the meat biting holy consummation. its like dogs how attacking loving sexual biteblood love hurt swallow each other, but represented feminiene feral primmitive raw of each other. can i show you another? blood cup
#Ok Im gonna say Something.#First of all SORRY to Op for reblogging this but NEVER READING IT!!!! Im Sorry I know that thatās not how things are typcially done.#BUT LET ME SAY SOMETHING.#OK Im so sorry to OP for ranting in the tags of their 0 note fanfic that i wont even read but GIMME A MINUTE !! OK.#How do I say this.#I cant believe it was this long ago by now but it was I believe MAY of 2023 and it was 7 AM and i was scrolling on OPās blog?#And i was scrolling throuhg their fanficiton tag and i was like. Oh Dear. As you may expect#how do i put thisā¦ I DIDNT READ THIS STORY but I did skim what was written here and IT STUCK WITH ME ?#In truth i missed the breeding kink detail and went straight to reality-as-is rape. Over time I stopped thinking abt the trans detail even#BUT ANYWAY THIS ONE ā¦ disturbed me of course ā¦ AND IT MADE ME THINKā¦#IDKā¦. I just started thinking abt that ghoulish year they spent in the room of spirit & time ā¦#Vegetaās lack of loyalty to anything good & holy at this timeā¦ The conflict of their characters ā¦#I started listening to Rob Zombie at this time ā¦#Long story short I felt like the idea of an extreme violation occuring b/t them in that room was a DEEPLY FASCINATING story and#it showed a lot of facets of their realities & the realities of emotional and familial ā¦ difficulties .#And. Idkkkk. It was so morbid. BUT THEN I ALSO GOT HUNG UP ON HOW FUNNY IT WAS THAT#IN DBS TRUNKS HAD TO SEE HIM AGAIN ??!??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?#LIKEā¦ā¦ OMG ?!?!?!?! im sorryyyyy but it had me fist-pounding-on-desk LAUGHING like..#OK I should just make my own post. But ohmy god. LIKE ITāS SO BAD !??!? Vegetaās a changed man and sort of forgot abt all that.#BUT THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE & TRUNKS IS TRYING TO BE COOL ABT IT BUT ā¦ Heās freaking out inside. Worrying for Present Trunks. Etc
#Eventually vegeta approches him abt it and ALL HE SAYS IS āHey. No hard feelings. Okay?ā AND SLAPS HIM ON THE BACK.#SOO SORRY OP LIKE THIS IS YOUR STORY THIS ISNT ABT MEā¦#But I always intended to reblog this post onto this blog bc it did INSPIRE something in me and i dont know much about the world but#I do respect OP for the weird things they write & post. AND IT MAKES ME SAD THAT THIS POST STILL HAS 0 NOTES?#I saw it 7 months ago and in that time no one has read it or hit like. SAD. I am sorry for not reading it myself but#Just the strange way I feel reading the description is thrill enough for me thank you ā¦#I always thought that I would post some about Vegeta & Future Trunks on this blog and IDK if I ever will but#This post needs to be reblogged onto this blog for in case I do ā¦#Reblog#Writing
NOBODY HAS EVER GOT IT LIKE THIS. YOU. YOU GET IT. and my god I hope you do write a thing someday PLEASE tag me if you do!!!
cause you are right, in the grand scheme of things the implications and ramifications are SO dark and morbid and awful because of who Vegeta was at the time of their year in the chamber? itās incredible that Trunks retained any affection or admiration for Vegeta after that. and then Vegeta of DBS era is a drastically different person?? Iām not sure Future! Trunks could even fathom it. So he keeps half an eye on Vegeta and half an eye on his younger self and tries not to shy away from his not-father.
also donāt be sad for me about not having notes. with the kind of subject matter i usually write about, iām used to it. i get a LOT of hits, bookmarks, and kudos on ao3 but rarely any comments or reblogs. and from past experiences in other fandoms, itās 100% because people donāt want to be perceived consuming the kind of fic i write.
I rarely log onto this account so I'm late ... OUGH THIS IS MAKING ME SO HAPPY THOUGH.
NGGGH CAN WE LISTEN TO "Foxy Foxy" by Rob Zombie together !??!?!
This is so awesome ...
This is going to sound so crass but I'm just trying to refer to a phenomenon so bear with me: You know how people tend to keep finding certain stories, certain patterns or situations, in their art or in the art they see, and it's a perspective unique to them that has to do with whatever life they have lived and whatever imprint it has left on their psyche? It's an expression of the raw material of the mindbody? Or whatever?
Well my point is that when it comes to the character of Vegeta, he represents some specific things to me, and I tend to need a few different things out of him - and one of those tropes that I seem to keep putting him in is the role of the unequivocal abuser/MONSTER. Usually I have to admit that I'm just throwing him under the bus (or reaching if I do have some sort of explanation per his proposed psychological state), but in THIS INSTANCE, it's JUSTIFIED because he really WASN'T anyone commendable yet!!!!! He hadn't changed his ways or reflected on how his history or philosophies are keeping his spirit down. He hasn't attempted any healing.
It's less overt but I've caught myself peddling this one too many times for it to be innocuous: I tend to need Trunks to experience UTTER BETRAYAL. Just the absolute shaking-shuttering of a shattered trust-bond, where the only reflex that remains is to retreat and isolate.
THIS IS BOTH OF THOSE THINGS.
THIS CONCEPT AWAKENED SOMETHING IN ME ... In truth it would have bounced off of me if it weren't for previous ghoulish stories that had me open to these sorts of things, but, this one was interesting, and I had a lot of fun piecing it apart / mulling it over / figuring out what it could mean / why it struck me the way it did / what I could do with it.
In the end, it's really something poetic... succinct and distilled. There's a lot of room for discussions about reenactment, the pervasive trend of parents not respecting their children's boundaries, the power dynamics therein, sexual repression and sexual perversion, the duo nature of the sexual instinct and how the yin-yang aspect of it could be disturbed and abused, how hurt people hurt people, ETC - LITERALLY ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING ELSE - all from the epicenter of one tangible event:
That old man fucked him in the Room of Spirit and Time. (<- A venerated place meant to teach discipline and constitution, but that never once promised to protect you...!)
I agree that people are afraid of the "antis" -> they are afraid of being outcasted -> they don't feel like they are strong enough to defend themselves -> they are afraid of themselves and of their own potential to resonate with art that is not palatable to the shallow ego and current trends of astringent (but not meaningful!) morality.
THATS SO FUNNY THAT BITCHES HIT LIKE ON YOUR FICS THO!! BUT JUST DONT WANT TO BE SEEN READING IT ... GAH.
Also like other than how fucked up this is the comedic potential is also like .... there. Future Trunks lying in bed in the room of spirit and time tyring to sleep and obviously not sleeping and thinking in his head "Okay Today Was Messed Up But Um I Mean I Mean I'm Sure theres some Meaning to it like some Reason Um ... Um ... OK So I'm going to deal with this when i get Out becasue for now I just have to make it throuhg the year." And then when they do exit the room we can see Future Trunks walk out Hair Unkempt & Overgrown and his posture looks stuck-scared-stiff and his muscles are all constricted because he is still carrying the trauma but he thinks "OK we just have to defeat Cell first and then I can go home and process this then." And then when he does go back to his own timeline he's like "Oh that was all LITERALLY in the past why would i think about that .. I just wont think about it ever again." And so he does nothing to try to work throuhg it or create a sense of safety within himself or anything.
And then when he has to come back Vegeta is such a different man and Future Trunks thinks to himself that he has to be "mature" about this so he conducts himself as if he wasn't tortured by Vegeta in the Room of Spirit and Time all those years ago ... And he hangs out with his present self and he's trying to look interested while little Trunks talks about Minecraft but Future Trunks is stuck thinking on loop in his head "HE IS IN DANGER. HE IS IN DANGER. HE IS IN DANGER."
Becasue he hasn't resolve the original trauma and he is hypervigilant and by instinct he is waiting for the other shoe to drop.
IT'S SO MORBID..... But funny..... Idk ...SORRY FOR RAMBLING AGAIN ....
Oh my god this made me so happy you have no idea. I feel like it's just been me out here in the trenches writing in my journals ... it's so refreshing to see another user openly acknowledge and peddle fucked up shit. Like as long as this is a safe space I'm just gonna say that the story that had me right before I found this fic (and what had those doors of consideration open for me) was a story where EOZ Goten finds himself being .. Well what's the term .. GROOMED by Vegeta. I understand that formally Vegeta is very much a virtuous man by this point in time but the ETERNAL DEPTH and NUANCE of the MADNESS compelled me .. What can i say I evidently needed to express it. (And TBH the spin-off versions were ADDICTIVELY HILARIOUS and IMMENSELY POPULAR (to the audience of myself))
