#plural textpost

[theatre-system]

The Long Awaited Sequal

Straight up pluraling it, and by it, let’s just say, my system

[theatre-system]

CW: potentially disturbing imagery, light allusions to CA

I’m not just plural.

To be clearer, I’m talking about my whole, mental state/ inner world. I’m plural yes, but I also am pretty sure I do suffer from very bad hallucinations, along with just having an overactive imagination. You’d think the syscovery would make things easier to figure out up hear, but nowadays all I seem do to is ask myself more questions.

I suppose since this is my blog, I could describe what I see when entering my own mind. It might help me stand out a bit more. Might help me figure myself out, who knows? Ill try to explain it as best as I can, but its a mind, so things may not be clear. Feel free to fill those gaps with your own ideas.

When I visualize myself in my mind, I first give myself form. Any form will do. Sometimes I can feel other facets of my”self” hover around me like multicolored apparitions. I can’t hear them though. I then fly around a large black void. Although, void isn’t the right word. It’s very full, I can feel it, but I can’t see it at all. Almost like the “light” of my mind isn’t being correctly processed by my “eyes”. That doesn’t mean I see nothing though, or at least have visions of nothing.

If I focus, I can see a body. It seems similar to mine, but I’d never know, it’s always covered in a silky grey cloth. It’s painting, always painting. If I look at the painting. It seems to be painting my very own death, which if I am seeing correctly, won’t be very pretty, and won’t be very far away. I couldn’t tell you if this being is an alter, facet, hallucination, or what have you. All I know is that I see it, and I’ve only ever seen it painting this one image.

I can see another being, most likely an alter or facet. It’s body similar to my physical one, but its hair like white fire, its four eyes like a rainbow exploded. I recognize it clearly though, they’ve been in my head for as long as I can remember. It’s ecstasy. And ecstasy for fighting, for violence, arguable the first language I was truly talked to in. You’d think them mad, but they’re honestly quiet… calm. I sense no malice, if anything I sense protectiveness. I feel I know the answer, but it makes my stomach churn to truly think about.

I sometimes meet spots I can’t move past, almost like a wall or glitch. I feel it’s my own mind blocking me. Blocking me from memories, thoughts, ideas, what have you. I still don’t know how to break all of them down.

Sometimes I find a road. Landing on it, I find what it’s made out of. It’s a red carpet of my own beaten forms throughout my life. Walking down the road, I find myself immersing myself in memories much more painful to remember. I remember the first time I know I hallucinated. A horrid time. I can see all the nights I stayed awake in paranoia of a stalker. The latest times are terribly recent. I see ‘better’ lives I could have had. I do not mourn. Not only do I do that far too much already, they’re far too removed from who I am now to relate to them. I step off the road, it’s not healthy staying on it for too long.

I don’t want to give the impression that I’m usually a morose person. I think of plenty of happy thoughts. Plenty of funny ideas. I’ve been described as jovial more often than not. But for some reason, when visualizing myself in my own mind, this is what pops up. I wonder what that says about me.

People always say plurality answered a lot for them. And it helped me too! Don’t get me wrong. But it always feels like the more I discover about myself, the more I learn I have a lot more about myself to discover.

[theatre-system]

To "volalite", "not people friendly", and/or anger holder alters (or more if you feel this resonates with you)

Ok, starting off, I want to say that the one writing this isn't any of what I wrote in the title, at least I wouldn't consider myself that. But I did still want to post a message for all of you. I hope I don't say anything bad, and that you'll read this all the way through.

You're valid. No buts about it. No ifs. No only in the case of. You are valid, and I'm happy you exist. You are good people that deserve to exist. People, even within the community, have this preconception that everyone in a system must be friendly and willing to talk all the time. They shouldn't. You wouldn't expect every single person to be friendly all the time or outgoing, and alters are people too.

Also wanna note that these people are often very reasonable. Like people act like all non-friendly alters are Satan spawn that love the pain of innocents, when honestly like 90% of the time I can visually see the exact reason why they are angry, and that reason is completely understandable. You can talk with these people like normal, because they aren't some evil beings out to hurt your feelings, they're people that, often at most, you MIGHT have to approach a bit differently.

And also, to these alters, while I may not be one of you, I do have something I might at least draw relation with. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I'm physically disabled. One of my legs is slightly shorter than the other. Barely noticeable if you don't look for it. But it causes me to not be able to walk long distances without an aid, and even then sometimes I still have to take some breaks. I used to enjoy long walks, but this has made it harder for me, or I'd have to tackle it in a different way. Despite that, it'd be insane to say that I shouldn't still be allowed to go on long walks, or that my different routes for doing long walks is 'wrong'. And moreover, I shouldn't be mad at making these differences so I can personally enjoy these long walks.

Now to be clear, "I shouldn't be mad" and "its wrong for me to be mad" are two very different things. I can understand that I am the way I am, and all the logic can follow through. But sometimes I get frustrated I have to take a break, or I get mad when I have to readjust my aid inside of my shoe. And that's not even getting into when other people shame me for it, just because I can't walk as fast as them, or have to walk different routs, or often just because I'm different. But just because I am angry, doesn't mean its wrong. And just because I shouldn't be, doesn't mean its wrong either.

I hope the metaphor came across to where you could tell I wasn't just talking about my disability.

So yeah, you are valid. All types of alters are valid, no matter who/what they are. End of.

Be sure to hug your nearest anger-holder/unfriendly/volatile/etc. alter right now. And that includes hugging yourself.

[theatre-system]

I woke up and not only did I wake up much later than I should have, but a whole new post appeared on my tumblr that I don’t remember making 😭. Someone must have taken the controls for a few hours last night.