Is it okay for people in poly relationships to dictate the sex lives of their partners?
That really depends on what you mean, and on the people in the relationship you’re talking about.
Examples of polyamorous situations where that is okay:
In polyfidelity situations (such as a closed triad or quad), it is common for those involved to lay down ground rules that limit each other’s sexual behavior with outsiders. This is okay because everyone involved is consenting to this limitation.
In polyamorous arrangements that are not polyfi, some people will elect to be sexually intimate only with those who follow particular safety practices with their other partners. Sometimes the utilization of this particular set of safety practices with other partners becomes part of the agreement between lovers. Again, this is okay because everyone involved is consenting to this arrangement.
Any other situation wherein all parties have discussed limitations and have fully informed consent are also okay.
Examples of polyamorous situations where that is not okay:
Forcing or coercing someone into sexual acts they do not wish to perform is not okay. This goes for pressuring people into sexual acts with other people, not just sexual acts with yourself.
Consent is the key here. If no one consents to being limited with their other partners, then you have no right to dictate their actions with those people. If someone is doing something with other partners that you’re not comfortable with, and they say they will continue doing so after you’ve discussed it with them, then it’s up to you whether you want to stay involved with the person, and if so, at what level.
Hope this helps. I sense a specific situation may be behind this question. Feel free to send me fanmail or an ask if you’d like personal advice.
-Pauli